The Vine: April 12, 2007
Dear Sars,
I have an unusual problem, and I hope you can offer some insight.
I am a twenty-five-year-old virgin. I have had virtually no romantic or sexual experiences — ever. Essentially, I am afraid of sex for reasons I will not expound upon here — mainly, because I don’t wish to bore you, but also because I don’t quite understand them myself, but my therapist and I are working on it.
Anyway, about eight months ago, I decided that enough was enough, and I was no longer going to be ruled by fear. I set out to find a guy to like… Fast forward to a few short months later when I realized finding someone I could really like would quite possibly take a lifetime, so I lowered the bar. Excepting those of an offensive, rude or overtly sleazy nature, I resolved to accept all invitations that came my way. Along with a little help from my precious beta-blockers, I was dating. However, I soon noticed an annoying pattern: I couldn’t get any of these guys to sleep with me. Although they all seemed interested enough to ask me out over and over again, once my virginal status was revealed, it was over.
Guy A figured I must be waiting for love/marriage and felt consummating our relationship would imply a serious commitment. Despite my reassurances that I found him just a smidge over tolerable, I never heard from him again. Guy B “respected [my] choices” and felt “it wouldn’t be right to do that.” Guy C thought I was very special and wanted to wait until we got “serious.” When I inquired as to how long that would take, something involving the word “marriage” was uttered, and I was out the door. Guy D didn’t understand how “such a pretty and socially adept woman could possibly be a virgin,” and so, there must be something “wrong” with me.
So, here is my question: What does it take to get some sex around here? I’ve considered lying or omitting the truth, but I’m not a very good liar, and anyway, I’m afraid my inexperience would become quite obvious once the moment struck. Do you have any suggestions?
Frustrated Doesn’t Begin To Describe
Dear Frustrated,
It depends on what you want — it sounds like your priority is to go ahead and have sex without any big discussions or commitment, so I think your best bet if that’s the case is to find a suitable candidate, sleep with him without telling him anything one way or the other, and go your merry devirginized way afterwards.
If what you want is a guy who knows already, so he knows what to expect, but doesn’t judge you or get freaked out, well, you can find that too, but it’s a little harder to set that situation up for yourself if it’s not a relationship — not impossible, but harder. Knowingly entering into the experience as the other person’s first sexual partner is not necessarily something a guy (or a girl) is going to want to do on a casual basis. If you do choose to share your virgin status with a prospective partner, it is in fact your choice, but you may want to make that choice with a boyfriend or a trusted friend — someone you can rely on to treat the situation with dignity, but not make a huge hairy deal out of it.
But again, it kind of boils down to which is more important to you: getting it over with, or full disclosure in an emotionally safe environment. If it’s the former, you may have to decide for yourself to forge ahead without the latter.
One other note: there’s full disclosure, and then there’s informing a prospective partner that he’s “just a smidge over tolerable.” If you are actually telling guys that you want to sleep with them because you don’t like them very much and therefore don’t have to invest romantically, well, that’s not exactly a turn-on, even if the guy isn’t looking for a long-term thing himself. Forthrightness is great, but…you know. Sprinkle a little sugar, maybe.
Hi Sars,
Bah. I’m in a total pickle, and I am unsure how to proceed. The situation is a little delicate, so some unbiased advice would be really helpful.
A little background:
About 6 months ago, I procured herpes simplex 1. This is the virus usually associated with oral cold sores, but I was lucky enough to get it genitally. I was aware that the person I got it from got cold sores from time to time, and he was asymptomatic when he gave it to me. Basically, it was just a case of unfortunate circumstances. Of course, I was devastated. He was the first and only person I had slept with outside of a long-term, monogamous relationship and we had always practiced safe sex. Dental dams aren’t something most people use, but it turns out YOU REALLY SHOULD.
On the plus side, my case seems to be really minor…I haven’t had another outbreak since, I take antiviral medication every day and it’s generally been totally absent from my life other than the original outbreak which surfaced when I was ill and my immune system was generally comprimised.
Now, why I’m really writing…I did something that really sucked. I recently met someone I started to like and slept with him without telling him first. I know, bad call. The only excuse I have is that it was the first time I had a new partner since getting herpes, and I chickened out at first. My conscience did eventually get the better of me and I did tell him the next time I saw him. He reacted in a totally understandable way…he was taken aback, not angry but generally a little distant and unsure of how to proceed. He said some things that were minorly hurtful, but he genuinely apologized and I do believe they were more an issue of bad semantics than mean spirit.
After two hours of laying together in bed having intense conversation about the whole thing (as well as just general big stuff about who we both are…we are still in the get-to-know-each-other period), we went out to dinner, drank a lot, exhibited various levels of emotional availability and distance, and then eventually went back to his place and slept together again. He was sober at that point and initiated it after I had slowed down another initiation from him earlier in the night. I wanted to make sure that he knew I wasn’t trying to manipulate the situation with sex and give him some time to make a real decision, but at that point I was drunk from dinner.
The next morning, we slept together again (initiated again by him while sober…I guess if he was already drunk in the morning I would have to write another letter), after which I started crying and told him his response to my admission was confusing me. He didn’t know exactly how to respond…I think he is just as confused as me.
I guess my question is…what next? I am fearful that this will hurt his ability to trust me (he said as much and I don’t blame him) and the whole thing will devolve into a terrible, damaging affair. He has revealed that he has not always been a great partner and he seemed to be attempting to change some bad habits by making an effort to communicate with me about conflicts early, and I’m worried that he will fall back into bad habits because he feels like our bond is tainted.
I sort of want to say something to the effect of “if you don’t think you can fully forgive me for my mistake and push forward with the same enthusiasm you had before, we need to end it completely right away because I don’t want some dramatic, unhealthy relationship in my life,” but I don’t know if it’s appropriate or, if it is, how long I should wait to say it. Maybe it’s just an issue of waiting to see how things develop now, but I could use some pointers as to how I can make him feel at ease and let him know that this was a one-time thing, not an indication of my true character. I really dig him, and it seems like he feels the same way, and I would like to salvage it if possible.
Any advice you can give is EXTREMELY appreciated,
Should have just said so in the first place
Dear Said,
Just leave it alone for right now. There’s no faster way to kill a relationship than to cut it open for exploratory surgery every two days; sometimes you just have to let it…be. Be itself. Trust is not built, or rebuilt, in hours or days. It takes time. Getting to know another person, let him in, make the adjustments, see if he and his secrets fit into your life, it takes time, and this is part of that process.
If you don’t want a dramatic relationship, don’t turn it into one. Don’t throw down the gauntlet all “forgive me and love me completely or take your toothbrush and get out”; it’s not there yet. The two of you just started sleeping together, and the relationship does go through an evolution at that point emotionally, regardless of whether you have a sexual-health issue on the table or in what manner that gets dealt with.
The two of you will figure this out, but for the moment, try not to foreground this issue 24/7 at the expense of just hanging out, talking, fooling around, watching movies, whatever you’d do if you weren’t anxious about this. The ambiguity is uncomfortable, I know, but you kind of can’t always be bringing his attention back to the fact that it’s there, not if you want him to “feel at ease.”
I’m not saying you should avoid the subject, but if this is the only thing you guys talk about, that’s no good. Decide for yourself to confront issues of this type a little earlier in the future, and make your best effort not to obsess about it.
Tags: boys (and girls) sex
