Sincerely,
Dammit, Cat, Get A Job!

I think this is going to come off vaguely pathetic. I am an 18-year-old girl, and have never had a boyfriend, or kissed a boy. I’m definitely
straight, and really not at all hideous or creepy. I was just really shy
for most of my high school years, and this resulted in me never being able
to act on any feelings that I may have had for anyone. I’ve gotten over a
lot of my shyness and insecurity, especially since starting university.

A few months ago, I walked into one of my classic situations with boys.
I fell for an awesome guy, but was wary to act on it. He flirts with
everyone (he’s “one of the girls,” if you know what I mean), so I had no
idea how he felt towards me, until I found out that he liked another girl.
Then I was peeved, not at him or at her, but at the fact that this is
exactly what happens to me all the time.

A few months more brings us to the present. I was kind of depressed
for a while, thinking things along the lines of “what’s wrong with me?” but
I made up my mind that shit happens and I should get over it. I did — I no
longer have feelings for boy and we are just friends on both sides now. The
point of this story is just to say that I was feeling a little down in the
boy department.

I also would like to add that I’m not quite as sad as I sound. I don’t
pine after a boyfriend constantly, as if I needed one to complete me or make
me a good person. ANY-ways, this weekend I was at a party, taking full
advantage of the fact that it was last weekend before midterms hit. In a
word, I was drunkety drunk drunk. It should have been a fun night. Until
Boy #2 came along.

This letter’s getting a bit long, but let me give a quick description
of Boy #2: seems sweet at first, but a little socially awkward when it comes
to girls, obviously didn’t drink much before university and is pressured
into doing it here (something I’m not that cool with — I like it when people
have their own personality, and shy as I am, I don’t often let peer pressure
get to me), has apparently been working his way through having a crush on
every girl in his residence. I don’t know how true the last statement is,
as I’m not very close to Boy #2 and don’t like to take rumours at face
value, but I do know that he asked my good friend out on a date, she gently
turned him down because she was coming out of a bad break-up, and he
consequently never talked to her again.

Okay, moving on, at this party I was at (which was a gong show from
beginning to end), I kissed Boy #2. Or rather he kissed me, and I was a
little too incapacitated to get over the shell shock in time to avoid it.
And Sars, IT WAS AWFUL. Trust me. It may have been the first time I have
ever been kissed, but I can honestly tell you that I can only go up from
here. For the rest of the night I was alternately angry at myself for
allowing it to happen, disappointed that my first kiss was one of the worst
experiences of my life, and mad at him for putting me in this situation,
because I have no feelings for him at all and hot damn is this going to be
awkward.

So my question is this. How polite do I have to be to Boy #2? I
haven’t talked to him yet, and am planning on politely but firmly telling
him that while I do think he is very nice, I don’t have feelings for him in
that way. Should I throw a “we can just be friends” line in there? Because
honestly, I wasn’t really “friends” with him in the first place and don’t
want to be. After delivering this polite-but-firm speech, can I run away
every time I see him after that? I don’t want to do to him what he did to
my friend, but I honestly don’t want to see him anymore, at least for a
while. Am I a horrible person? I WAS drunk, but there was definitely a
part of me that was enjoying the attention I normally don’t get, even if it
was from someone I wasn’t interested in — was The Most Awkward Kiss of All
Time a punishment for that? Help! I’m terrible at these situations and
need someone to screw my head on straight.

Contemplating spending the rest of my life in a box

I’ve been friend with B, C, and D since after high school. The four of us were always together, as girls sometimes do. Time goes by, and D and I grow a bit apart, but that’s all right. We decided to move in together two years ago, got a few house rules, and everything is still smooth. Cue last April, as my long-distance boyfriend moved in with us, with her approval because money was a little tight and they were practically friends anyways. Everyone was getting along fine, and as she was living on a different time frame than us, she didn’t have to be the third wheel to our couple.

Last October, she got a job in her field in another city. She gave us one week notice and OFFERED to give us a hundred a month, to help us with our budget, because she was giving us a very short notice. Also, she OFFERED to let us keep her fridge and some things until July, to help us but mainly because she couldn’t move them and didn’t want to put them in storage.

A month later, she told us she found an apartment (she was then renting a room from a family she knew) and, thus, was getting her things back, including her fridge, in two months. Two days later, another email: she needed her stuff the next week (SUCH a short notice!). We hadn’t planned for that, but hey, didn’t really have a choice, did we? So by the time we bought our own fridge (she even tried to sell us her old fridge, at such a high price it was stupid even to consider it, to save herself the moving costs…), she said, “Sorry for the short notice, turns out I’ll only take it in mid-December.” By then, we had two full-size fridges in our kitchen. Turns out she only came in to get hers at the beginning of January, waking us up after a New Year’s party, without even giving us a call. But hey, at least we weren’t stuck with it anymore.

After I asked her what was up with the hundred I was waiting to pay the rent (due the previous day), she wrote me a very short email telling me blah blah sorry-cakes, I can’t give it to you anymore. With NO notice. I got REALLY upset, but managed to take my time to answer, and pretty much wrote her an email telling her that I was sad that she didn’t consider our friendship a little more than that, that I was hurt she didn’t think I deserved at least a few days notice for that. (Did I mention that, as a student, I don’t have any extra cash laying around for that? Hey, I already have an unplanned refrigerator to pay for…) Now she answered me, proud of herself for sending me the first draft, thus no editing and second thoughts, basically telling me that I was the worst friend ever, I never should have taken her money, I was basically stealing it from her, blah blah, after all that she had given us (she offered us a cooler in case we didn’t find a fridge in time!), I was basically heartless. Not that she had given me any indication whatsoever that it was a rough time, money-wise, for her. Oh, and also, she didn’t appreciate that we weren’t all smiles when she came to take her stuff.

So, my questions. Am I wrong to think that a real friend wouldn’t have done things like that? Was I supposed to assume that she had no money and thus break the deal myself? And, most important of all, how do I tell B and C that it won’t ever be the same? I don’t want to make them choose between us (and I must say it helps that D is living away now), but how do I deal with this. Finally, what do I answer her?

Signed,
So this was the first roommate I didn’t fight with every week…

Jake’s older brother, Tom, already lived out here in New City with his
girlfriend, Dolly. Jake stayed with Tom and Dolly for a couple of
months while he was getting on his feet, and moved out into our new
place right before I came.

I got here to New City with no job, pretty much no friends (except for
Jake) and felt sort of unrooted. I didn’t have much money, either
(all the usual new-city woes). During my first couple of weeks here,
Tom and Dolly invited us (or so I thought) over to dinner about three
times. I wanted to bring them wine or some small token of thanks, but
Jake told me that they “didn’t drink wine,” and wouldn’t use it or
appreciate it. I asked Jake what I could bring them and he told me
not to bother bringing anything — which made me feel weird, but I
didn’t want to bring them something they wouldn’t like, so I just
didn’t, and made sure that I thanked them every time we went over. We
ate dinner there twice more — once when Tom and Jake’s family came to
visit, and once when Jake and I stopped at a restaurant and bought
food to bring to Tom and Dolly.

I always felt uncomfortable around Dolly, because she seemed to look
right through me whenever I was around. As in, let’s say, she’s
passing around a plate of brownies and would ask everyone else (male)
in the room if they wanted one, then maybe take the plate back to the
kitchen. She never looked at me when we were all having
conversations. If I was getting water, or if there was coffee, she’d
make some small comment like, “Don’t use all of that,” or some other
small snarky thing to let me know that she was keeping an eye on me.
Tom was always kind to me, but I felt really weird around Dolly, like
she just wouldn’t acknowledge my presence (other than watching my
actions like a hawk) because she didn’t want me there. Jake said
maybe she was just funny around other girls, and that she was
“particular about her things.” (Not that I was really doing anything
to her “things.”) I decided not to let it get to me.

When Tom and Dolly went out of town, Jake invited me to go over to
their place with him to do laundry, since they have a washer and dryer
and we don’t. Jake has a key, and Tom and Dolly have made it clear
that he’s welcome to stop by anytime. We took our laundry over and
did a couple of loads.

Cut to about a week ago — Jake went over to T and D’s by himself.
When he came home, he mentioned that Tom and Dolly had told him that
next time the both of us came over for dinner or to do laundry, we
could leave a few bucks. I thought this was interesting and pressed
him for more details — he ended up telling me that what Tom and Dolly
had actually said was that, as Tom’s brother, Jake could come over
anytime for dinner, or laundry, or what-have-you, and that they wanted
to help him out as much as they could in any way possible. But also
that they didn’t know me, and they didn’t appreciate me taking
advantage of their hospitality by just showing up for dinner and not
bringing anything, or doing my laundry at their house and running up
the water bill (keep in mind, I did my laundry there ONCE, and Jake
invited me, so I assumed it was cool).

Obviously, I feel like crap. I wanted to bring them something, but
Jake told me not to — and every time I went over, I was invited (or so
I thought). So my question is this: What do I do now? Do I try to
make amends? My instinct is to just send something (chocolates,
maybe, and a card?) over with Jake next time he sees them, and to just
not go over there anymore for any reason. I don’t know if that’s
overreacting or not, but I never felt comfortable over there anyway,
so I guess it’s not a huge loss. Is that an acceptable resolution?
What’s your take, Sars?

Signed,
What Kind of People Don’t Like Wine, Anyway?

I am attractive, I think, but about 30 lbs overweight
and self conscious about it. In one of the emails I asked him what he looks
for in a woman, and while he said he likes girls to be attractive (I think
cute was how he put it), looks weren’t all that important to him. He was
probably being sincere, but what guy doesn’t say that?

So, the problem — I eventually sent him a picture of myself, and then didn’t
hear from him for a week. I figured he was blowing me off so I sent him
another email. I basically said that I had really enjoyed talking to him and
that I hoped that his lack of response wasn’t because he wasn’t attracted to
me, but that if that was the case and he didn’t want to continue
communicating, I would appreciate him letting me know so that I wouldn’t be
waiting and wondering. I just hate that waiting, you know? When you think
they’re blowing you off, but you still jump when the phone rings or get
butterflies while you’re waiting for your email to load. I just wanted to
know, one way or the other.

So, a few days later he sends me an response saying he had been out of town,
and how insulted he is that I would think he was so superficial after he had
said he was interested in a “mental” connection and not worried about the
physical part of it. He was much more offended than I thought appropriate
for what I had written, and said he didn’t think we should talk anymore. I
wrote back apologizing, and felt pretty stupid because I really liked him.

Now, I know that I was being insecure and shouldn’t have even mentioned it
in my second letter. I should have just let it go, assuming he had blown me
off, and we would probably still be talking. I learned from that, and won’t
likely do it in the future. My question is this: Was my reaction normal? Not
the email, but the thought that I was being blown off? Wouldn’t everyone
assume the same, or do I have serious self-esteem issues I need to deal
with? Do you think his reaction was normal, and in these situations is it
reasonable to ask if you are being blown off? I would much rather be given a
bullshit excuse for not wanting to keep talking instead of no communication
at all. What would you have thought or done?

Thanks,
Singing a solo, not a harmony