I have a dilemma involving an ex and a trip to Japan. I’ll start with
some background.

Let’s not give the ex an alias, because “he” works just fine. He and
I met over four years ago and have had a ridiculously unstable, on-again
off-again relationship ever since. At the peak, he put a down payment on an
engagement ring. At the lowest…well, there have been lots of lows
involving other people, him forgetting my birthday, me sending him angry
soapbox emails, et cetera. Throughout these four years, we have never been able to
cease communication for longer than about three months. He and I have both
broken down and contacted each other after swearing not to, several times.

Although he still holds a place in my heart that is more or less
untouchable, I have slowly realized that for some reason we don’t work as a
couple, and I am working on accepting this. We haven’t talked for about two
months, and when he sent a brief “Are you alive?” email a month ago, I
didn’t respond. This would have been unthinkable/impossible for me as little
as six months ago, and I feel like I’m finally making some progress with
letting go of “us.”

One thing that I always wanted, however, was to go to Japan with him.
I visit family there occasionally, and he is a kind of “Texas born and
raised” guy who hasn’t had many opportunities to see what else is out there.
He was always very interested in the trip, but we were never able to make it
happen because of our stupid fights.

Now, I have gotten the chance to go again on short notice, and I am
considering inviting him. In my heart, I feel like it would be a “good for
him, good for me, and bad for us” experience. I’m not interested in the idea
of a “romantic rendezvous in an exotic locale”…I just always wanted to
observe, as a friend, the effect that two weeks in Japan would have on him as
a person. And yes, I also liked the idea of being his tour guide.

So my question is, after all this strife, is it a terrible idea to
travel across the world with this guy who is so much more than a guy to me?
Or does the fact that I’m getting over him finally make it safer because I am
no longer harboring hope for us as a couple? It is definitely possible for
me to bring another friend as a buffer in case things get hairy between me
and him. I know this situation screams, “No, you idiot!” but I really feel
that for the majority of the rest of my life, I’ll wish that I could have
shown Japan to my ex. This type of lifelong lament really sits ill with me.
Outside our personal history, he is a really cool guy who would really
respond well to a little globetrotting.

Sorry so lengthy, and thanks Sars!

Already Jet-Lagged

This is a different sort of grammar question, but as you’re well versed in these things, I’d appreciate your opinion. In the situation where a word or phrase’s colloquial usage is different to its actual meaning, which is the more appropriate to use? For example, the word “moot” (as in “a moot point”) is generally used to indicate something which has already been settled or decided, and therefore is not worth discussing. Its original and more correct meaning, however, indicates something which is hypothetical and open to debate.

In a different but related vein, “chaise longue” is commonly changed to “chaise lounge.” Being something of a word freak, I would prefer to be as exact as possible; on the other hand, using the more accurate meaning or term could create more confusion, as well as putting me in a potentially awkward situation if called on the apparent misusage (and then being forced into a pompous and nitpicky-sounding “actually, I think you’ll find…”).

So what’s your take on it?

Sincerely,
A Word to the Wise

My mom and I have a very tumultuous relationship. Sometimes I feel very close to her; sometimes we fight like crazy. The dynamic is really passive-aggressive, and I never really know when a conversation will take a turn for the worse and she’ll flip out.

I’m exploring the deeper issues that really cause the problems between us in therapy, and I’m working on some ways to avoid confrontation with her, although she can be very hurtful and infuriating. I’m working on not “taking the bait,” as I really do love her very much and hate how fighting with her hurts us both.

One of the things that has always bugged me, however, is her smoking. I wish she wouldn’t smoke for all the health reasons, et cetera, but my biggest problem with it is that I found out approximately five years ago that she smoked surreptiously for years, after preaching to my sister and me about how we should never do it all throughout our childhoods. She knows I know. She knows I don’t like it, but I especially dislike how she would outwardly lie about it, which was and is annoying and touches on some of the deeper issues. She never smoked in the house I grew up in, because my sister had asthma.

I am currently 23, and I live on my own in a one-bedroom apartment in Florida (1,100 miles from my parents), with my dog and my cat, whom I absolutely adore. I make a very diligent effort to keep my apartment from smelling like, well, like I have a dog and a cat. I love them to bits, but I don’t necessarily want my home, my clothes, and so on to smell like a litterbox, dog crate, et cetera. I know it sounds a little odd, but fragrance is really important to me. (A guy with nice, non-oppressive cologne or aftershave is a huge turn-on for me. Go figure.)

My mom came to visit a few weeks ago, and I had asked her to please smoke outside on the porch if she felt the need to light up. She said, “I’m trying to quit, I don’t even have any cigarettes on me.” I said, “Great, I’m really proud of you!” Of course, on day two, we got into an argument, and she went out and bought some cigarettes, probably to soothe her nerves with the added bonus of further grating on mine, because she knows I hate it.

She did respect my wishes and smoked on the porch. But she also smoked directly before going to bed, and my pull-out couch bed, pillows, and sheets still smelled strongly of secondhand smoke when she left, which is what I was ultimately trying to avoid.

So, Sars, my question for you, Fabulous and Lovely Nicotine Queen — what is the etiquette on this? I know smokers are finding it more and more difficult to smoke almost everywhere these days, and I know it’s inconvenient and annoying. She technically respected my wishes by staying outside, and I didn’t want to aggravate her further by making it an issue. Plus, she tried really hard to create a loving home for me as a kid (yes, I have baggage, but I had a good childhood overall), so now when she’s a guest in my home, so I don’t really want to follow her around with air freshener or hose her down with Febreze when she comes off the porch.

Do I just suck it up and keep quiet when she visits again? Do I have the right to ask her to please shower before she climbs into bed?

Queen of Febreze

Your piece on dating brought to mind a question I’ve been thinking about lately, and maybe the fact that you were sort of asking this question yourself will prevent you from having an answer for me. But I’ll give it a shot.

The past few months, I’ve been seeing this boy I met on Nerve.com, and it’s going well. Most of my friends, and most of his friends, know how we met. But I know my family, for one, would be appalled and possibly scared, and I would be embarrassed to have people at work know — like you were saying, I think internet dating is normal and cool and all, but they sure don’t. In addition, some old friends of mine, who have been with the same person since they were eighteen and thus have never experienced dating as an adult, find internet dating creepy and weird. (As an aside, I had a taste of this when I was the featured personal for a day; email from people I had not seen since high school asking if that was me on the front page of The Onion “advertising a singles service” and a couple hesitant questions from people at work — it was uncomfortable because they’re all so ashamed for me, and I’m sitting there thinking, shit, I’m not ashamed. I’m catch of the day!)

I should perhaps say that the boy and I have already joined in a mutually-agreed-upon lie when attending a party given by people that he went to college with that happened to be sprinkled with people from my office, so now some people we know think we met at a party, and some know we met online. You just get sick of explaining how totally normal and non-scary it is, you know? I don’t know how many more times I can mention that stupid Times article about how every young urban hipster is on nerve.com these days, without just getting the damn thing laminated for easier reference.

So, what do I tell people? Should I be an honest little pioneer, showing the unenlightened people in my life how normal everyone is and how good relationships can result from the internet and all that noise? Or should I keep my business to myself and give the vague “mutual friends/met at a party” answer? Things have kind of come to this point just now because I want to tell my family that I am seeing someone that I really like, but am hesitant to spit out the truth.

Thanks,
Am I Nerve-y Enough?

I think I do know what to do here, but suspect I need the impetus of someone
else telling me that.

I recently moved to London to take my masters, which is great, except that I
basically transplanted my life across the country and left all my friends,
close or otherwise, behind. Except for one, this guy I’ve known for about three
years (we met at uni) and have always had that long-term friendship/attraction vibe with. Stuff had happened between us in the past, but it was
never the right time; one of us was always involved with someone else or
just recently broken up or something. One of our encounters ended in us not
talking for months; I didn’t want to get involved with him because I
felt I was still in love with an ex and it wouldn’t be fair. Or healthy.
He saw it differently; we didn’t talk for a while. (He’d left uni and we’re
both stubborn people, so it wasn’t as much not talking as just not calling
and waiting for the other to apologise.)

But now we’re back on track, like we used to be and living in the same city.
And we keep falling back into old habits. Which maybe would be a good
idea if we were single, but is just plain bad because he’s got a girlfriend.
Now I know he’s not happy with her, he says he’s not happy with her, and
everyone seems to realise that he’s not happy with her. But he just doesn’t
want to give up on her yet. Now I’ve gone through several stages with this:
the “it doesn’t matter because we were drunk” stage, the “you kinda have to
make a choice here” stage, the “bitchy as hell” stage, and finally the “I
really have to get out of this situation because it is seriously not a good
idea” stage. So I stepped back. He’s with her. Nothing happens with me
and we’re all friends. Two months and nada, nothing. I was feeling quite
proud until a few days ago when we fall back into those bad habits again.
(I should clarify here — this is NOT actual sex I’m talking about, just
foreplay, and affection and intimacy.)

The real problem is that even though I’m not with him, I’m beginning to
develop feelings for him beyond the friendship-and-attraction thing. He
really is a great guy, and (ironically) is not the type to be doing this to
anyone. I’m lost and confused. I’ve stayed away and it didn’t work. I’ve
flirted with other guys in clubs and tried to prove to myself that I don’t
need him. Didn’t work. I’ve flat-out asked him what the hell is going on,
and he cannot give me an answer. If this is something, let’s go for it; if
it isn’t, then let’s stop bloody doing it before we ruin our friendship!

I don’t know what to do; I feel like I should just leave all this, but he’s
become a major part of my life again and I like that. I get on with all his
mates, and if I’m not around him I’m not around them. I’ve got my life down
here in this new city on track now, and I’d hate to think I have to give it
up because I might be falling for him and can’t seem to figure out what to
do.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Confused and Frustrated in London