My husband and I are inexperienced party-throwers, and after much
deliberation we’ve finally decided to try our hand at entertaining. We sent
out invitations to friends we know from several different places, so that
everyone will have the chance to meet somebody new. We’re busy cleaning the
house, stocking up on beverages and ordering snacks, but we’re nervous and
want everything to be perfect.

A few days after our invitations went out, one of our guests-to-be sent a
group email to an entire circle of friends. His message was unrelated, but
at the end he said, “And don’t forget Ted and Alice’s party next weekend!”
Now, most of his mailing list knew about the party already, but it included
at least one mutual acquaintance we purposely didn’t invite.

Our friend didn’t mention details like our address, and it’s not a huge
deal if the uninvited guy does show up (some of our other guests won’t be
happy about it, but they’re used to putting up with him). Now I’m
wondering, though — who committed the breach of etiquette here?

We’d assumed that it was our prerogative as adults to invite only the
people we really want to party with. It’s not as if, say, anyone’s work
reputation depends on our diplomacy in this case. But does the grade-school
Valentine rule still apply? If we invite most of the members of one social
circle, are we obliged to invite them all? Are we exclusionary snobs, or
was our friend just being a blabbermouth?

Hesitant Host

(I’d like to add that all of my unpleasant dog experiences were when I was very young; I made a concious decision to understand them. I’ve read about how to approach animals; how to not frighten them — animals of all kinds tend to like me very much as a result.)

Long story short, though I’m a dog person; I’m good with animals. Cats were tough — I had to learn some lessons “claws on” and had to have some pointers. (For example, tail “lashing” is not equal to tail “wagging.”)

I don’t have a pet of my own. I live alone, and I’ve though I’ve wanted a little dog, I didn’t think it was fair to have one and leave it alone a lot. ( I did think about getting an a lil ol’ dog from the pound, but never did it, and I’m ashamed.)

Okay, tonight, I kinda think I adopted a cat.

I kept seeing it tonight around my apartment complex. I kept hearing some cat mewling. I went to get a Coke out of the machine, and we kinda found each other. I’m guessing it’s the equivalent of a “teenager” in cat life — or what they call sub-adult in wildlife films.

I eaten the last of some tuna salad when I got home from work — I’m sure that’s what it smelled. Plus, I’ve never seen an cat that wanted that much affection: I think it was very lonely. (And remember, I’m pretty good with animals.)

Well, long story short, I ended up with this cat in my apartment, earlier tonight. I did make it go back outside (fully clawed, but it’s been humanized, or used to people anyway).

Prob one: I’m kinda allergic. There’s pills for that. I can deal.

Prob two: I can’t tell if it wants food or milk? It did knead at me, but also at my pillows and my bed and pretty much everywhere it felt comfortable.

Prob three: Can I make a stray an indoor cat? I have no idea where to get good info — someplace like Cats for Dummies?

I’d say, “Meh, it’s a stray,” but I kinda already named it. (I think it’s male, I’m not sure.) Even odder, if there was a type of cat I’d ever get, it’s this one.

Any input is good! And thank you for your time, Sars!

Heart,
K

I could really use some advice from an outside source
who won’t be afraid to tell me to pull myself together
and stop being a baby if need be.

To say that my older sister and I are not close would
be the understatement of the century. Despite having
many similar interests and being only three years
apart we were never close. Yeah, okay, I can live with
that. I wish that were the only problem.

Ever since I
can remember she has been verbally abusive towards me
and my parents, but being the younger sister I got the
brunt of the attacks. My parents did everything they
could, but she couldn’t be controlled. When I was
little I was able to control myself and keep from
retaliating, but every now and then it got to be too
much and I would say something I regretted later. As I
got older my outbursts against her became more
frequent, and to prevent this I minimized our already
limited contact. Whenever we saw each other it was
strained at best, but often resulted in some sort of
huge fight.

About three years ago when she was 15 and I was 12 we
discovered that she had a sort of mental illness which
manifested in anorexia and self-mutilation. It
explained a lot of her behavior, and helped me move on
to a certain extent. Up until four months ago I would
have even said our relationship was drastically
improving. She had turned 18 and moved out, and we
would on occasion talk on the phone or meet for a
meal. Never during that time did we fight. Then she
decided that she would come with us to Thanksgiving.

Now that was a big deal. It was like her saying, “I
want to be part of this family again.” Thanksgiving
has always been a big holiday for us; the whole family
meets at my grandmother’s house. Every year my sister
would say that as soon as she turned 18 she was never
coming to Thanksgiving again.

The four-hour car ride up was tense and not without
fighting, but we managed. Things only got worse from
there. It was really the ride home that created the
situation I am in now. She started freaking out when my dad didn’t want to
stop at this vegan restaurant about an hour out of our
way. She was threatening to get off at the next rest
stop and have a friend pick her up and was screaming
and yelling and crying, saying that the only reason
she even came to Thanksgiving was to get the stupid
vegan cheese-steak sub. I had been pretty quiet about
the whole thing and was trying my best to stay out of
it, but then she said something that even in all her
years of put-downs she had never said.
“I can stand Dad, and someday I might be able to
forgive Mom, but I will never be able to forgive you.
I hate you, I hate you all.”

Ouch. Yeah, I know she doesn’t mean it. I know it was
the closed space that pushed her over the edge (she is
severely claustrophobic). I know she really does love
me, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to see her
in almost four months. Honestly, I’m scared, and I
don’t want to put myself in another situation where I
know she’ll hurt me again, but she said something to
my dad the other day that made me reconsider.

For
weeks he’s been telling me that she has asked about me
whenever he sees her. Also, two days ago he was
having lunch with her and mentioned something about
me, and she said, “[Little Sister] hates me.”
That’s the last thing I wanted. I don’t hate her;
even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to. She is my
sister and I love her dearly. All I ever wanted was
for things to be okay between us, but I don’t know how
to do it. Normally I would just move on and pretend it
didn’t happen, but that never worked for long. I
would go try to talk to her about our relationship,
but that has never worked well in the past; it almost
always resulting in some sort of blowup. I don’t know
what to do. Any advice you have would be greatly
appreciated, even if it’s a kick in the ass.

Little Sister

I have a grammar question. I was taught, however many years ago, to put two
spaces after a period at the end of a sentence. Yesterday I was proofreading a
document with four other people for a graduate class, and one woman had
switched all our double spaces to single, citing that the extra space is a
holdover from typewriter days (monospaced fonts) when it was needed
to make an appreciable gap between sentences. The rest of us had never heard
of this, but I did some internet research when I got home, and there seems to
be some debate about the spaces depending on whether it’s published material or
personal correspondence, according to personal preference, et cetera.

In my opinion
a single space still looks crowded, but I’m willing to do what’s correct. Help!

Thanks,
Doubting my punctuation even in this email

I apologize for the length but I’m having some problems with an old friend of mine and it’s driving me crazy, so I’m hoping you can help.

Backstory: When I was eighteen, I lost my virginity to D. He’s about thirteen years older than I am, but we had been friends for about a year before we slept together. As much as I loathe the term Friends With Benefits, that’s what we were. We slept together throughout the summer before I shipped off to college in another state, and soon after, he moved to another state for a new job. We kept in touch via the phone (this was before everyone and their mother had an email address) and I enjoyed having an older male friend to give me some insight into the minds of guys.

The last time I saw him was New Year’s Eve of 1996 where yes, we had sex again. We lost touch after that for a few reasons, but then Thanksgiving Eve two years ago, I was going through my address book, saw his number and decided to call him. We ended up talking into the wee hours of the morning about relationships and life in general, and since then we’ve been exchanging emails with a few phone calls here and there.

I talked to him Saturday night after I had been drinking for a few hours. (I had gone to a christening where there was an open bar at the reception.) I should mention that every single time we talk, D brings up our sexual history, which is fine because he obviously holds an important role in my life, but it’s not like I’m going to forget he was the first person I had sex with, and I’m not sure why he sees a few months of sex as the focal point of our friendship, especially since it’s been eight years since we last got naked with each other.

While we were talking, he mentioned coming up to visit me. Great, I’d like to see him again. However, he started saying things which led me to believe he assumed we would have sex. What they say about assumptions absolutely applies here. It’s been ten years since we first slept together and my tastes and desires have changed. I’m not attracted to him anymore and while I was okay with our Friends With Benefits relationship back then, that’s not what I’m looking for right now.

I’m not one of those people who keeps track of how long it has been since I’ve gotten laid because trying to get laid on a regular basis isn’t a priority for me, neither is whining about how long it has been. He is one of those people, though, and it drives me crazy. I told him he shouldn’t expect any sex to happen if he visits. He responded he’d just get me drunk. He was joking…I think…but when you find yourself joking about getting someone inebriated just so you can have sex with them, it should clue you in on how desperate you sound.

The end of the phone conversation weirded me out because he started going down the road towards phone sex and well…ew. And no. I mean, I honestly didn’t even say anything that should turn him on except I guess that’s what happens when you haven’t had sex in almost two years. I told him I was going to go to sleep and to use his right hand.

Today I get an email from him saying he enjoyed out conversation and the only thing that would have made it better was if we had phone sex. Then he joked that it was a shame I was too drunk for that. Again, even if I was stone-cold sober there is no way I would want to have any kind of sex with him.

So my questions are, how do I respond? I’ve always been able to laugh off his feeble suggestions of sleeping together should we ever see each other, but this latest phone call and email really irritate me. I’ve explained to him before that sex is not a priority in my life and I don’t care about having sex, so when he makes these assumptions I feel like he’s not even listening to me or that he feels he’s somehow an exception to the rule because of our past. I’m sorry he has a hard time getting laid, but it’s not my responsibility to give it up to him just because I did so ten years ago. Does sleeping with someone a decade ago really entitle them to a lifetime pass of sex?

I’ve always been big on honesty, but as I grow older, I’m learning there’s a big difference between being honest and being harsh, blunt and/or rude, so I really can’t see myself flat-out telling him I’m not attracted to him. I don’t think I need to cut him out of my life completely, the distance between us (Florida and New York) pretty much takes care of that, but I would like to find some way of putting a lid on the sexual assumptions without hurting his feelings. Short of being busy every time he wants to visit or call (which would look suspicious after a while), I can’t figure out to approach this issue in a delicate way. Any suggestions?

ThisClose To Buying Him a Hooker