The Vine: April 17, 2001
Dear Sarah,
Some time ago, I found out I was pregnant. I’d only been dating the father of this baby for two months, but things had already gotten pretty serious between us. And while I fully and wholeheartedly support a woman’s right to choose, I realized I just couldn’t justify my getting an abortion.
However, I knew/know that I didn’t/don’t want to raise a child. So, my partner (the baby’s father) and I have found an absolutely fantastic family through an adoption agency to take this baby. While things have been difficult, it’s been, overall, a good experience. If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
The problem is my parents. They live half the country away from me, and have spoken to me, basically, twice since I told them what was happening. Both of these times were because I have called them. I’ve gone through all of the emotions you go through when people don’t act the way you’ve hoped, and have come to realize that I can’t force them to be happy with my decision, and that I have more important things with which to deal than making them happy. Since I’m 29, I guess it’s about freakin’ time, eh?
However, I’m going to have the baby some time in the next three weeks, and I’m trying to figure out what to do. Should I call them after I have the baby, just to let them know I’m okay? Should I have my partner call them? Should I do nothing, and wait and see if they call me (not terribly constructive, but perversely tempting)?
Maybe they don’t care if I’m okay — they know (from other family members) that this has been a crazy pregnancy, with several short and one long hospital stay, and some serious scares for both the baby and me, but they haven’t called once. Maybe I shouldn’t bother with calling them at all. Maybe I’m whining too much. I don’t know.
Sarah, I’ve been so impressed by your ability to cut through people’s self-absorption, self-pity, and general bullshit. I really need your no-nonsense (shoe purchases aside) perspective and guidance here.
Thank you,
Three weeks and counting
P.S. You know that Learning Channel show Maternity Ward? Well, I think I’m going to be featured on that, so I could just wait, then send my parents the tape. Okay, that is such a bad idea, but it makes me snicker every time I consider it.
Dear Three,
You should do whatever you want to do — whatever feels right to you at the time. Your parents have given you absolutely no support during a very trying time; they have shown absolutely no concern for you or your health, and no sign that they love you no matter what you decide for the baby…or that they love you at all. So, I don’t think you should base a decision to get in touch with them (or not) on what you “should” do or on what they would “want,” because they haven’t earned even that measure of respect from you.
If you want to call, call. If you don’t care whether they know, don’t bother. If you want to punish them by cutting them out of the information loop completely — and I wouldn’t blame you — then do it. Yeah, the sending-the-tape idea is passive-aggressive, but you know what? Fuck them.
It’s rant time. I have disagreements with my parents. They nag me. They ride me for smoking. My dad picks at me about my credit-card debt. My mother bitches at me for coming home late…still. But if I got pregnant and had to make a tough choice like the one in this letter, both of them would have my back, without question, from start to finish. They’d roll their eyes and cry and whatnot, but they’d get on the bus, no doubt, and I thank God for that, frequently, because it seems a lot of parents believe that disapproving of the choices of their children means that they can just cut their children off or treat them like crap. And that is bullshit. Your daughter marries a black guy and you don’t like black folks? Tough shit — suck it up. Your son likes other men That Way and you read in the Bible that homosexuality is evil? Tough shit — suck it up. Parenting does not mean crafting small replicas of yourself and popping them out into the world like ice cubes out of a tray. You don’t have to give them money all the time, or approve of everything they do, or pretend that you don’t mind when they fuck up. Nag and moan at will. Do some yelling. But love your children, and guide them, and stand behind them when they need you to, because that’s the commitment you made when you brought them home from the hospital. Grown children can learn to live without the emotional support of their parents, but they shouldn’t have to.
If Three’s parents are reading this, listen up: unless she stole money from you to feed a drug habit or something, you have no excuse at all for blowing her off. Not one. I hope neither of you has ever made a mistake in your lives, because if you have, your implied judgment of your daughter is revolting.
Tags: the fam
