The Vine: April 17, 2007
Hi Sars,
I have a grammatical question for Tomato Nation. Is “Didn’t you used to …” grammatically correct? It sounds funny but I’m not sure. A pedantic person I know says it should be “Didn’t you use to,” and that sounds funny too, but again, I’m not sure.
I think the whole thing sounds pretty awkward, either way. I suppose if you wanted to avoid the issue altogether, you could just say, “You used to have purple hair, didn’t you?”
Thanks,
Miranda
Dear Miranda,
Garner tacitly approves both “used to” and “didn’t used to”; “use to,” on the other hand, is incorrect, regardless of whether it’s in the negative. It’s okay to say it (Garner deems it “dialect”), but it’s not appropriate for formal writing.
Dear Sars,
My older brother is engaged to a woman whom I — and the rest of the nuclear and extended family — believe will make him very unhappy. I could spend this entire letter listing her negative attributes, but for the sake of argument, let’s just assume that she is, in fact, a poor choice for him. My dilemma is this: what should a supportive sister (and bridesmaid!) do? Should I respect his choice, support the marriage, and make the best of a bad situation? Or should I gently inform him of my doubts as soon as possible?
I fear that if I tell him my worries, he will become so angry and defensive that any avenues for effective communication will be cut off. Likewise, I worry that if our entire family stays silent and the marriage subsequently falls apart, we will have reason to be angry at ourselves for not stepping forward sooner.
Ultimately, I love my brother and want him to be happy. I know that breaking off his engagement now (the wedding is in eight months) would be a crushing blow, but a divorce later in life would be even worse.
Thanks for your time,
Wedding Worries
Dear WW,
Without knowing the specifics of these negative attributes, it’s hard to say. If you know things about her that he doesn’t, that could harm him or the relationship — she’s hiding some significant aspect of her past, or her health; she cheated on him; you could classify any number of things this way — then yes, I think you say something.
If you just think she’s a bitch, well, then I think you have to leave it alone. You express to your brother what you just told me, that you love him and you want only happiness for him, and you let him know that, if he ever needs to talk, you’re available. You don’t have to lie and pretend she’s your favorite or anything; if he asks you directly, you can mention a few concerns you have, non-confrontationally and in terms that have to do with your worries for him, not your personal dislike of the bride-to-be.
But if we’re talking about a full-on intervention-style sit-down where you announce to him that you think she’s wrong for him, as a result of which you want him to break their engagement? It needs to be something you would break an engagement for, in his shoes. “I don’t like her” doesn’t qualify. “I don’t like her because she abuses drugs” is a different story. I don’t know which it is, so: tread lightly.
Tags: grammar the fam
