The Vine: April 18, 2003
Oh, oh, I know this one! I do! Impulsiveness-Impaired said:
“But you want to go to the beach and hang out? Ummm, sorry, can’t. I’ve got
readings and papers to catch up on, say I.”
Several paragraphs later, she says that she’s not keeping the conversational
ball in the air (she thinks), and adds:
“Naturally, this means that when people have an afternoon to kill, I am not
the first person they call.”
Ten to one, they don’t always call because she’s regularly turning down
invitations, and they figure she’ll turn this one down, too. I mean, if you
don’t want to go to the beach with the gang, you certainly don’t want to
hang out in a dorm room and watch TV with one person. Which isn’t true, but
it’s a reasonable thing to assume.
If group activities make her self-conscious, the next time there’s an
invitation like that, she could at least open the door a little. “I’ve
already got plans today, but maybe you and I could get lunch tomorrow.”
Something to make it clear that she’s turning down the activity, not the
people. Plus, some one-on-one get-togethers might help ease her into group
dynamics more easily — if that’s what she wants, and it sounds like it is.
During my freshman year, I often felt like the idiot hanger-on with nothing
to say. After hanging out with just one or two other people at a time, I
felt less like an outsider in the larger group.
I do agree with everything you said, particularly that she’s judging herself
too harshly, but those lines jumped out at me. I think it’s likely that her
nervousness is reading as disinterest, so they don’t always include her, and
then she feels even more awkward.
S
Dear S,
That’s good advice, and it occurred to me to mention it yesterday as I wrote my response. People don’t always have the insights into our behavior that we assume they do; it’s one of the reasons “shy” is so often mistaken for “stuck up,” for example.
She might also try inviting a couple of the less intimidatingly funny/outgoing members of the group to her room for a study break or something — that’s another way to make it clear that she’s interested in hanging out, without exposing herself to too overwhelming a situation socially.
I think I understand the use of the subjunctive, but some readers may not. Can you clarify what the subjunctive is and in which cases it’s used?
I normally don’t use grammar terms and say things like, “You use ‘were’ instead of ‘was’ if the situation is hypothetical.” In other words, I use “were” when there is a written or implied “if.” However, I don’t know if there is any more to the subjunctive rule and what other verbs are affected by it. Care to elucidate?
Thanks!
Alexia
Dear Alexia,
Whew. Tough one.
My high school Spanish teacher used to say that the subjunctive expressed a wish, a desire — but in Señora’s rich accent, it came out as “the subshhunctive exprayses a weesh…[meaningful pause]…a dee-sigh-yer,” which made the whole prospect sound far more sultry and forbidden than our workbook had thus far led us to believe.
What can I say — girls’ school. We didn’t get out much. Anyway, in Latin and the Romance languages, you usually know when the subjunctive is indicated and which verb ending you should use, but of course nothing is that simple in English.
According to my other Garner (The Oxford Dictionary of American Usage and Style — thanks, Omar!), the subjunctive mood is used in six instances: conditions contrary to fact (“if I were queen”); suppositions (“if I were to become queen, I wouldn’t wear my crown every day”); wishes (“I wish that I were queen”); demands (“I insisted that they crown me queen”); suggestions (“I suggest that you crown me queen”); and statements of necessity (“it’s imperative that I be crowned queen today”). Compare these examples to how the indicative mood would read in each case — “I am queen,” “when I became queen, I didn’t wear my crown every day,” and so on. Basically, the subjunctive can express possibility and potential, the hypothetical and the theoretical, “could” or “might” versus “is.”
The subjunctive “affects” all verbs, but because the verb “to be” is irregular, it’s more noticeable with that verb than with others. Generally, you use the base of the verb in the subjunctive clause, i.e. “if she were to run” versus “if she runs.” But not every subjunctive-mood or conditional clauses contains a handy “if” to alert you to its presence. For a more complete guide, try Bartleby.com’s excellent explication of the rules and usage of the subjunctive.
O Wise Sars,
I’ve been reading The Vine for awhile now, and I think you give great
advice, and I really
appreciate how you aren’t afraid to administer an ass-kicking if the
occasion calls for it. I’m
writing ’cause I think I might need one of those.
Here’s the unfortunate story: very recently, my boyfriend of two years
and one month (one
month to the day, actually) decided that he wanted to “take a break” from
me for awhile.
This was totally out of the blue, and I mean totally — we haven’t gotten in
so much as a minor
disagreement in over a month, and he had spent the last weekend visiting
me at college and
we had a fabulous time, the whole time with him telling me how much he
loved me and how
happy he was. He gave me a birthday card with “forever” and things of
that nature written
in it, and I’ve always thought we’ve been very happy together. Then, a
week later, this.
He
didn’t give me any explanation that really made sense — everything he said
was a really lame
excuse, like “I need more freedom” (which is crap — I live two hours away
and we see each
other every other weekend at most) and “I’m not sure anymore how I feel.”
I thought
maybe there was another girl, but he denied it; I’ve spoken to a few
of his friends and
they all deny it, too, and I think they or he would tell me the truth in
that case.
Here’s my
problem…he said he wanted a break, and I agreed, seeing as how it was
either agree to a
break or give up altogether on the relationship, and I wasn’t prepared to
do that, because I
still love him very much. I now feel like no matter what, I’ll never be
able to forgive him for
hurting me like this, so even if we do get back together, it won’t ever
be the same. I don’t
know if or when he’ll want to get back with me, but I don’t know what to
do if he does want
to. Should I just forgive and forget and try to start anew with him, or
should I tell him he
hurt me too badly and he can fuck off and die?
It wasn’t just a little
fling, either…we were
friends for a long time before falling in love, and we’ve been through a
lot together. I feel
like I should make a decision about this, the sooner the better, because
if he catches me
unawares and tells me he wants me back, I’ll cave. I need time to steel
my resolve,
whatever I decide. What would you do?
Thank you so much,
Love’s bitch and not ashamed to admit it
Dear Bitch,
Sit him down and tell him that you need to hear once more why he wants to take a break. Tell him that you don’t entirely believe the reasons he’s given so far, and that he needs to tell you honestly what’s going on with him, even if he thinks it might hurt you; you have the right to know, and to make decisions for yourself based on what he says.
Also, tell him what you just told me about thinking that you’ll probably resent him if he decides he wants to continue the relationship. Let him know that the choice to take a break might end the relationship permanently whether that’s what he wants or not. You might as well put all your cards on the table now; you don’t have much to lose at this point.
After you’ve told him these things, what you do next really depends on how he responds, and on how credible you find it. It’s entirely possible that he really doesn’t know how he feels anymore and that he just needs time to think; that doesn’t obligate you to wait around for him to get that done, of course, but if you believe him when he says that, you can make an informed decision. He might admit that actually, yes, he’s seeing another girl, in which case, one-way ticket to Dump City. He might tell you that he loves you, but he’s not in love with you anymore, and he didn’t say so before because he was afraid to, and then you can accept that and grieve the relationship and try to move on.
I will say, as I’ve said before, that when the break-upper is evasive with the break-up-ee about the reasons for the split, it generally means one of two things: 1) the break-upper is cheating (and, in the case of only wanting “a break,” wants to have it both ways for awhile if he/she can manage it); or 2) the break-upper has fallen out of love with the break-up-ee, but would prefer not to have to say so in so many words, or to explain in detail how that happened.
In any case, give him the break he wants, but before you do, make it clear that you haven’t decided how the break is going to shake out, and you need more information if he has it to offer. If he sticks to the “I just need more freedom” story, decide on a sell-by date for the break for yourself, and make it clear to him that you won’t wait forever. And don’t. No situation messes with your head quite like the undefined break; try to avoid letting that happen to you.
Dear Sars,
I’ve been debating whether or not to write to you about this, but I’m at my
wit’s end and in dire need of some advice. This is pretty long, sorry, but
here goes.
I moved to a new city and started university in March of this year. For the
most part, everything so far has been great — it’s a good school, I love my
classes and my new city, and finally getting away from my abusive junkie
parents has been a real treat. However, since I’ve been here, I’ve had a bit
of trouble making new friends. In fact, I’ve only made one. In part, this is
due to the fact my uni is pretty huge and it’s hard to get to know people on
a more personal level, but more it’s because I’m somewhat shy around new
people; it takes me a while to get comfortable enough to be myself around
new folks. It’s not really a problem in itself; I tend to be a bit of a
loner anyway and in the past, I’ve been okay with one or two good friends I
can count on. I’m also just coming off a pretty lengthy depression and some
other emotional problems, which doesn’t help.
Anyway. Enter “Sally.” We
shared a few classes together, and got to talking and just sort of clicked
right away. At first, we just hung out and talked about anything and
everything and it was lots of fun, as well as nice and reassuring to know
that I had one good friend here to keep me going and confide in. And because
I had Sally, from that point on, I pretty much stopped trying to make new
friends here and was content to just hang with her.
Fast forward to August. Sally falls in love with this guy, “Adam.” She’s had
a pretty rough life, and I was thrilled for her. After a couple of months,
though, it seemed like she was only capable of talking about the
never-ending soap opera that is her relationship with Adam. I consider
myself a good friend, and in the beginning, I was more than happy to be there
for her, listen to her problems and excessive gushing, support her, and
offer advice where it was needed. But I started to feel as though Sally was
just treating me as her own personal counselling service, instead of an
actual friend. She and Adam seem to have a million ups and downs every day
and I would patiently listen to her, but whenever I’d try to discuss
anything in my own life, she’d go all monosyllabic and then somehow segue
right back into the Confounding!Drama! of Adam. And if — god forbid — I
should act for one second as though the every minute detail of her life with
Adam wasn’t exactly the world’s most fascinating news, she would tell me I
was selfish and unsupportive.
A month ago, I tried talking to her about all of this over a phone call and
told her that I felt like she was just using me, but she basically accused
me of being paranoid. I said I didn’t feel that was the case at all, and when
she brushed me off, I lost my temper and more or less said that I didn’t
want to have anything more to do with her until she understood that my sole
purpose on this earth was not, in fact, to cater to her every need and
desire. Part of me didn’t really want to lose my only friend here, but I put
up with a lot of shit myself to get here, and spending my time playing Dr.
Laura with a self-involved drama queen from hell isn’t exactly how I
envisioned college turning out.
Thing is, she just won’t leave me alone. I’ve tried to avoid her as best I
can in the last month (we still share three classes though, unfortunately),
but she seems to have some sort of radar or homing device on me, because no
matter WHAT I do, I run into her every five minutes on campus. She calls me
at all hours of the night and day, accosts me in classes, and just generally
WILL NOT TAKE A FUCKING HINT. I even asked her once if she understood what
the words “leave me alone” meant and mentioned what I’d said on the phone,
and she acted as though she had no idea what I was talking about. The hell?
About a week ago, I was studying late on campus at the library and (of
course) ran into Adam and Sally. They came over to my table, and I
immediately packed up my things and excused myself to go to the bathroom.
When I came out of the toilet stall, Adam was standing right outside the
door just staring at me. I got a bit freaked out (he’s a big guy) and asked
what the hell he was doing in the girls’ bathroom. He said he had a little
“issue” to discuss with me, and after I told him I didn’t think this was
really the time or place, I tried to leave. He grabbed me and pushed me,
pretty hard, up against the exit and told me he was angry because I had been
saying “upsetting” things to Sally, and that I should learn to respect my
friends; if I didn’t, he might have to “teach” me how to respect other
people. I didn’t say a word, and after shoving me once more for good measure,
he left.
I haven’t attended a class since then because I’m afraid I’m going to run
into Sally — or worse, Adam — and I’ve had my phone unplugged too. I know it’s
nuts and I’m probably just being paranoid, but I’m starting to feel as though
I’m stuck in that episode of Friends where Chandler can’t escape his
psychotic roommate Eddie, and it’s only a matter of time before she turns up
at my house with a fruit-drying device and a mannequin head. I find myself
spending more and more time just endlessly obsessing over ways to avoid her
without completely flunking out of school, or praying for a pile of bricks
straight from God’s own house to fall from the sky and knock her into a coma
so I can at last have a minute’s peace.
In short, I just don’t know what to do. My family wouldn’t be of any help,
being barely coherent themselves, and my only other friends live 3000 km
away, back home. I live alone, and while I don’t think Adam (or Sally for
that matter) would ever physically hurt me or anything, I just don’t know
how to get rid of her, short of getting a radical face transplant, changing
my name, and moving to a remote village in Botswana. I feel like I’m starting
to lose my grip on everything here. She is driving me insane. Any advice you
could lend me would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Trapped In A Shoddy Horror Novel
Dear Trapped,
Sally is harassing you. Adam assaulted you. Report them both to the campus authorities pronto, if not the local police.
If you haven’t already, document every single phone call, note, email, face-to-face conversation, or other interaction you’ve had with either of them since you told Sally to get bent. Tell your neighbors where you live to alert you immediately if they see either Sally or Adam hanging around. And stop interacting with either of them. You’ve made it clear that you want nothing to do with either of them, so do not engage them in any chit-chat, not even “fuck off.” Change your phone number; if you live in a dorm, switch rooms, and if you live in an apartment, get at least one deadbolt and an alarm system, or move.
No, things might not escalate, but let’s review. Adam followed you into the damn women’s bathroom, threatened you, and shoved you. That’s more than enough for you to report at least him to the campus cops and the dean of students, not to mention the fact that Sally is basically stalking you and has enlisted Thug Boy to help her. You need to go on the record about these freaks and put a stop to their behavior.
It isn’t paranoia. I would bet money the administration has had complaints about at least one of them before. Blow the whistle on them, right now.
Dear Sars,
Sorry this is pretty shallow, but I thought I would ask for your advice on this, as you give great advice to others on The Vine.
I’m 22, and I’m currently living at home, working and saving up money for grad school. Things with my parents are mostly fine, but my mother and I butt heads frequently about my clothes, much like we did when I was 16. She refuses to let me out of the house, for example, when she doesn’t like what I’m wearing. (Yes, she actually physically blocks the door. I’ve managed to escape once, and she totally chewed me out when I got home.) Reasons she doesn’t like my clothes are plentiful: it’s not flattering, the cuffs of my pants are ripped, it’s too tight, my pants are too low, red is not my color — you get the picture. I do know what is appropriate and what isn’t — I don’t wear ripped-up jeans to work, for example. But if I’m just hanging out with my friends, who are also probably wearing ripped jeans themselves, I don’t see what’s wrong with that.
Today is the kicker, though, because I was looking for my favorite pair of jeans and I couldn’t find them. I asked her where they were (she does my laundry — I know, but she won’t let anyone else do it!), and she told me she threw them out. Why? Because she doesn’t like them, and she doesn’t like how they look on me. This is not the first time this has happened. I came home with a bunch of t-shirts I picked up in thrift stores in London, and she’s thrown them all out, one by one, despite my protestations and pleadings to just leave them alone. She claims they make me look like a slob. I’m no supermodel, but I did just lose a lot of weight recently, and I’m pleased that I can actually wear clothes that don’t make me look like a whale for once. But she deems them either “slutty” or “unflattering.”
I am really grateful that my parents are allowing me to stay with them for the year and not charge me rent, because I otherwise would be homeless or struggling bad. I try to kick in for expenses, like gas for the car and the phone bill, and I also pay for my own clothes. Thus, it is really frustrating to see my hard-earned money go down the trash can. My mom’s rationale is, “Well, if you didn’t buy those clothes in the first place, I wouldn’t have to throw them out.” How can I get my mom to stop throwing away my clothes?! (BTW, my dad will occasionally step in and defend me, but he travels during the week and is not always home for these disputes.)
Thank you,
Trying To Be A Good Daughter
Dear Trying,
You do understand that your mother’s behavior is abusive, right? And that physically trying to prevent a voting adult from leaving the house because she doesn’t approve of that voting adult’s attire is so controlling as to indicate a psychiatric pathology? She insults you and she steals your things — why on earth would you put up with that? I can’t think of a single good reason, and if I could, I assure you that “saving for grad school,” while generally speaking a worthy goal, would not make the list.
You can start doing your own laundry, put a padlock on the door of your room, and inform your mother that she does not have a say in how you dress and she can keep her comments to herself. Or you can put off grad school a little while longer, find another means to support yourself, and move out. One way or the other, you need to stop tolerating your mother’s bullshit. She pulls the crazy manipulation because you allow it, so lay down the law, and if she won’t obey it, leave. Her behavior is way way past acceptable. Stop accepting it.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar the fam
