The Vine: April 18, 2012
I’m not the parent, but a very supportive godmother to my goddaughter, who is a sophomore dance and biology major. She is highly motivated, takes a heavy course load, is making all As, and realistic about what it takes to get ahead in the dance world.
In a recent chat with her father he told me he is planning on driving 4 hours to see our girl in a performance. He is upset that she is not going to ask her teachers if she can skip rehearsal or leave early in order to spend more time with him on the weekend (performances are on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday). I think this is an unreasonable request and definitely sends the wrong message about the importance of school and classes.
The more I think about this, the more it bothers me. It would be different if he were asking her to skip a lecture for which she could get notes, or a lab which could be rescheduled. I think that missing a rehearsal or cutting it short would adversely affect the entire group and such a request would make a bad impression on the teacher. Her father is aware that dance teachers are very important for providing recommendation letters and mentioned that his daughter already had glowing recommendation letters to study dance during her year abroad. He doesn’t seem to make the connection that her current behavior will still affect future letters.
His attitude that she should put his visit ahead of her educational commitments strikes me as selfish. He says that it is no more than the courtesy he would show by trying to leave work meetings early or reschedule them in order to have more time with a visitor. Am I off base here?
Which should come first, the rooster or the dance egg?
Not-So-Fairy Godmother
Dear God,
I agree that it’s poor form for your goddaughter to skip rehearsals for the very performance her father is coming to town to attend. I also agree that Dad is behaving somewhat selfishly in insisting that she hit pause on her daily life, instead of just coming to support her and spending quality time with her on another trip.
But it’s between them, isn’t it? And your goddaughter evidently set a boundary with his requests, to wit: she’s maintaining her schedule. I mean, any number of variables could lead me to think that 1) she’s being standoffish and/or a bad host, or 2) he’s being irrational and self-absorbed, but I don’t know any of those variables. Whether he’s justified in his take on the sitch or not, she’s not budging, so…what do you want me to say? Sure, maybe he’s selfish, but do you want me to agree with you? Or do you want me to give you permission to say as much to him?
I think he should go and support her and not attach any strings or expectations to the visit, and maybe not get bent out of shape when his kid takes him for granted because: welcome to parenting. But Goddaughter has it handled, and what you may see as taking her side by pointing out his selfishness is not helpful. Feel what you feel, have your opinion, stay out of it.
Tags: kids the fam
You can love ’em all you want, but you’re not actually a party to this argument. I’ve been there. The only thing you can do is listen, nod, and say, “Well, I may think (this), but ultimately, you have to work this out between you.”
If you try to get too involved, you could end up damaging your own relationship with them both (and end up looking like a busybody at the same time, no matter how good your intentions are).
Hope it goes well!
If you’re just worried about what to say to either one of them during a conversation, a neutral comment along the lines of “wow, it gets harder and harder to get everything done, huh? What a shame it couldn’t work out better” or something along those lines–that says you’re sympathetic without actively taking sides in what’s ultimately between them.
If you’re worried it’s going to blow up and you’ll be asked to mediate or take sides, decide if A) you want to get into this at all, and if so B) how to state what you really think in as diplomatic a way as possible. Don’t lie, but you’ve got nothing to lose by telling your truth at that point.
If you’re just sick of hearing them bitch about it, say so, albiet in a “freindly” way–“really, guys, six months from now, you’ll wonder why you were so worked up. So, how about that local sports team and the weather, huh?”
I agree with Sars in that you shouldn’t be giving your opinion unsolicited. But, if Dad starts venting his frustration to you again, feel free to offer him another perspective.
Two things jump out at me: First, a rehearsal just before a preformance is critical and only to be missed because you are hospitalized or have a death in the family. Her missing the rehearsal could adversely affect the other dancers in the class (particularly if partnering is involved) and final stage placement of certain moves are often worked out at the final “on stage” rehearsal. Dad may not be fully aware or thinking of that aspect of these specific rehearsals.
Second, Dad’s comment regarding rescheduling meetings makes me think he is corporate management. He probably has the position/power in his job to reschedule a meeting or request a change. A student in a class doesn’t have that position to make that request. Realistically, only the teacher does or, maybe, a key soloist. Otherwise, you show up at your assigned time, or else you won’t be performing in the show.
Shoot, I just took a single dance CLASS in college, and if we missed a class for any reason at all, our grade went down a full letter.
Dad must not be a performer at all, but the same concept would apply if he were flying in while she had a bio final or something. She can’t “reschedule” studying or a test – if he wants to see her, come the day of the performance and stay after.
I agree with others on several points:
*In general, we don’t have enough information to judge. But based on what we DO know:
*Fairy really doesn’t have a dog in the fight and should keep quiet. Further, her loving and supporting Goddaughter in general doesn’t automatically make Goddaughter right in this instance. I tend to lean toward agreeing with Goddaughter, but a couple more facts could make this a totally diffeent situation.
*Dad is not comparing apples to apples. A person with a secure job and enough clout to rearrange meetings that can occur on another day in the first place really can’t make a comparison to a person who is dealing with events that MUST occur at this time (it’s not like these rehearsals can occur three weeks later); who is low enough on the totem pole to have to ask about leaving / rearranging; and for whom that rearranging affects future job prospects. A dad who wants his daughter to be employed does not ask her to blow off a job interview and pout when she refuses.
*And most of all, if Dad is so good at rearranging his schedule to suit his life, he should give some serious thought to doing so at another time, in order to spend time with his daughter on a weekend she’s NOT booked to the hilt with dance rehearsals and performances.
I think a lot of parents (even professional, well-educated people) don’t understand the family implications of the higher education they encourage their kids to get.
I’ve worked in higher education for a while now, and I’ve seen much worse – my favorite (not my favorite) example would be a student I worked with whose parents were putting her through a very expensive, very demanding professional graduate program but who still pulled her out of class for three weeks to go get married in their home country. Unsurprisingly, she failed the semester. I mean really.
Anyway, I’d let it go if I were you.
Also, as someone who performs (in a small way, not professionally) I stopped inviting some people to my performances because they could not get their heads around the idea that the performance was going to take up a lot of my time and I wouldn’t be able to go out to dinner right before a concert, for example.
As a retired dancer — the rehearsals the weekend of a performance are the dress and tech rehearsals. You miss those, and the understudy goes in. So dad wouldn’t get to see daughter perform, but he’d get to spend a lot of time with her.
I just find it aggravating that Fairy Godmother is cool with her missing her actual educational classes… Not that I didn’t skip many of those, myself, but I didn’t think it was a good idea.
As somebody who’s been involved in a number of amateur performance modes, I don’t know if I’ve ever been involved with one in which every. single. rehearsal didn’t have a person or two AWOL. In fact, my own habit of making every one was deemed weird enough to be especially noted by the director after production wrapped.
Which isn’t to defend it in Goddaughter’s case. In fact, it’s a totally different thing when it comes to professional or academic performances, as noted by several commenters. But it may be the frame of mind that Dad is bringing to the situation; he doesn’t see the kid’s circumstance any different than the local parish production of “Oliver!”
I’m another higher ed type, and I see this from parents all the time. Many of our freshmen miss huge parts of orientation because their parents want to take them to lunch and shop for sheets at Walmart, and when they finally leave town, they expect the student to come home every weekend for family events. We have solid research over a decade or more that shows a direct correlation between this kind of activity and academic probation.
However, everybody’s correct here, and Fairy Godmother really can’t do anything more than support the student in her decision.
What surprised me is that the parent of a dance major doesn’t understand the importance of rehearsals. Surely she didn’t just take up dance once she got to college–she must have been dancing and rehearsing while she lived at home.
There’s something about the phrase “to see our girl” that stood out to me. Godmother is placing herself on equal footing with the dad, which feels… inappropriate, maybe?Which is not to say she doesn’t make some good points overall (I think she does, and it’s super-cool that she so supportive of her goddaughter) and that dad might be unreasonable. It’s just all the more reason for Godmother to step back a bit — if it jumped out at me I can only imagine how much that vibe jumps out at dad and daughter? Dancer Girl seems to have things well in control (obviously a smart young woman), so there’s nothing to be gained by taking sides or offering an unsolicited viewpoint.