The Vine: April 2, 2003
Hi, Sars:
So, my boyfriend of three years and I broke up in the last few weeks, an act
that was not my choice and was also a bit shocking to me. I’ve been through
a rather gross break-up before, so I know the routine, though it doesn’t
hurt any less. The problem? I live with him. And have to continue to live
with him. We’re college kids, and along with four other roommates, the two
of us are stuck in the house together until the lease runs out in June.
Because of this, any attempt to “get over him” is thwarted by the fact that
his room is right across the hall from me. I see him every day, and while I
try to keep busy, the break-up is sliming my life. I can’t concentrate on
school or work, and as a result, my already iffy grades are plummeting as we
speak. My house has become uncomfortable to be in because there’s him, or
memories of him, in every corner. He was my dearest friend and, I believed,
“it” for me — I was all ready to marry this guy and have a jazillion dogs and
maybe a few kids.
So how do I move past him when I can’t remove myself from the situation? I
fear I’m going to sit and blubber over my ::sniff:: lost love forever if I
don’t figure out a way to get my ass in gear and heal my ruptured heart.
For many reasons, moving out is not an option.
Thanks,
Brokenhearted With The Breaker In My Face
Dear Broken,
First of all, give yourself a break. You don’t have to bounce back right away; give yourself time to sulk and grieve and brood.
Start spending as much time as you can outside the house. Study at the library. Stop by friends’ houses. Go to the movies. Sit in a coffee shop. You know his movements; hang at home when you know he won’t be around, and when he comes home, make yourself scarce. Behave nicely to him, but interact with him as little as possible, and let your roommates know that, while you don’t expect them to pick a side or anything, you can’t deal with the house much these days and you hope they won’t take it personally.
Just get through each day. Pack a bag with snacks and books and bolt when you get up, and don’t come back until you feel comfortable. It’ll get easier with time, and you’ll care less about seeing him in the living room eventually, but at first, you need to minimize your exposure so that the wound has time to heal.
Dear Sars,
It was between you and my Magic 8-Ball, and the 8-Ball told me to come to
you.
I came out my junior year of college, to the surprise of exactly no one.
Happy gayness abounded (more or less, but that’s off-topic). Now, several
years later, my college friends are all starting to get married, and when I
promise to bring good gifts, they sometimes invite me to their weddings.
The question is, when the invitation is for me and a guest, what kind of
guest do I bring?
More to the point, do I deliberately bring a woman to the wedding of a
fairly conservative (but accepting and lovely) friend whose
ultra-conservative (to the right of Buchanan and relentlessly homophobic)
parents will possibly stroke out? If I were in a serious relationship, this
wouldn’t be a dilemma, but am I justified in possibly causing a stir with a
casual date? I don’t want to do anything to distract from the bride and
groom, but I hate closeting myself just to keep the peace. On the other
hand, bringing a male friend usually clears up the confusion about who
leads…
I’m a political kind of woman, Sars, and a little too close to the situation
to have perspective. Who would have thought two women dancing to “Mony
Mony” would be such a headache?
Your grateful pal,
Actually, I’m Not Much Of A Dancer
Dear Not Much,
I consulted an online Magic 8-Ball about whether you should bring a woman to the wedding, and it said, “Without a doubt.”
Honestly? Let your friend’s parents stroke out if they like. It ain’t their wedding. Your friend invited you, your sexuality included, so if there’s a fetching young lady you’d like to bring with you as your date, you should do it. I mean, don’t go out and find a fetching young lady for the express purpose of sticking it to the bride’s parents — the wedding day isn’t about you. But if you have a date in mind, bring her.
Dear Sars,
I want to preface this letter by saying that I realize no one should ever invade the privacy of another human being. It’s wrong, and you will always get repaid for it, believe me. Which is why I shouldn’t even have the right to complain about this now, but I’m in a lot of emotional pain right now. I have no one to talk to about this.
I have this friend, let’s call him “Jason.” We’ve been close for almost eight years. I also have two sisters that are eight years and ten years older than me. I’m VERY close with the middle sister. We’re inseparable. She hasn’t always had it easy; she spent some time in serious trouble when she was younger. As a result of this, she’s a little bit messed up — not very much, but just enough.
Anyway, I’m in love with Jason. Have been for the past eight years. I’m not the prettiest girl in the world. (I have that lovely Jewish nose that everyone pays so much to get rid of, and I’ve always been overweight. I’m not huge, but I’m chunky.) Things between Jason and me have always been platonic. I respect the fact that he’s not into me, but secretly I always held out hope that he’d want me when I was thin. I started dieting and was able to lose about thirty pounds, with more on the way.
Sorry it’s taking so long for me to get to the point, there’s a LOT of history here.
My sister started hanging out with me and my friends a lot over the past two years. I don’t like the spending time with my friends; she’s older than I am and I don’t think siblings should have the same friends. I started getting suspicious of her behavior around Jason last year. She swore to me that nothing was going on. She knows how I feel about him. I would never do anything to hurt my sister; I love her dearly. Which is why I cannot understand what I just found out.
I was messing around on her computer the other day, and happened upon her instant message thing. It keeps a log of every conversation ever had with each individual user. Before I could stop myself, I began to read the log of her and Jason’s conversations. It was there that I found out that she has been messing around with him since the point where I became suspicious. And she’s been lying about it the whole time.
I wish I’d never seen any of this. I obviously can’t confront her; I was in no way right for looking at her private conversations. Of course, she was in no way right for lying to me, telling Jason about every private thing I’ve ever said to her about him, telling him to keep it all from me, et cetera.
I don’t know what to do. I’m in so much pain. I need help.
Signed,
Betrayed
Dear Betrayed,
As much as it sucks that your sister moved in on a guy she knew you had feelings for, betrayed your confidence, and lied to you about it — and it sucks, no question — she did you a favor. Really. Or the universe did.
The universe is trying to tell you, finally, years past the time you should have heard it, that you need to forget about Jason and start working on your horribly low self-esteem. Start valuing yourself. Start expecting better of people. Stop letting your sister off the hook because she had a rough time of it years ago, and stop mooning over Jason already. He’s not interested. It’s not going to happen. You hate yourself; don’t think he hasn’t noticed.
Look, your sister is a beeyotch for going behind your back, but you needed a wake-up call, and like it or not, you got it. Answer it. Go to counseling and figure out why you think so little of yourself, and spend a lot less time with Jason and your sister. These two people dictate your entire sense of self, and that’s not right.
Hey Sars,
I have a sort of really embarrassing problem. You probably won’t even answer this letter because it’s so gross. But here it goes.
I have never had sex, and I think I am afraid of sex, largely in the part to the pain I am sure that will result. I have some sort of problem with my, um, vagina. I am unable to use tampons. My doctor was unable to give me a gyno exam because I was in so much pain from the Pap smear doo-hickey he inserted. I was crying, and he said, “I can’t do this.” I left feeling horribly embarrassed and I haven’t been back since.
Anyway, I am even more freaked out. How am I ever supposed to have sex or use tampons? How the hell am I ever going to get tested for cancer?
I guess I am writing for advice of some kind. Is there anything I can do to fix this situation? Do you know if there is something I can do to, er, stretch my vagina? I am so embarrassed, and you must be grossed out. But if there is anything you can offer, I would be most eternally grateful.
Nervous Nell
Dear Nell,
Dude. I used to proofread for Penthouse. You’re going to have to get up a lot earlier in the morning to gross me out. And by the way, the vagina? Not “gross.” Okay? I mean, not to get all Annie Sprinkle on you, because frankly she’s kind of annoying, but the vagina isn’t disgusting. It’s just the vagina. It has its ways. End of story.
Okay. I think you should go back to the GYN, but not to the one you went to before, since he is 1) insensitive, 2) unprofessional, and 3) apparently an idiot. A competent, caring GYN can work with/around your problem and help you to solve it, so ask your friends to recommend a good one — preferably a woman — and go in to see her. Before you submit to the pelvic exam, tell her exactly what’s going on. I won’t tell you that it won’t hurt anyway, because it might, but at least the GYN can use a smaller speculum or use other techniques to relax you and ease the process.
And I think you should spend a little time with your vagina on your own. No, seriously. You’ve let your vagina intimidate you, and with good reason, but it’s important to know how your body works, even if — in fact, especially if — it’s not quite how a lot of other bodies work, so lie down in front of the mirror and take the tour. Get to know the area.
Most of all, try not to worry. Tension tends to exacerbate things like this, so find a good GYN and trust that you’ll get it figured out.
Hey Sars!
I’m 25 years old, and have been divorced for a little over a year. While I
have enjoyed the single life and going out with friends, I am ready to start
dating. I’m not really looking for another husband at the moment, but I
want more than a one-night stand, as those have lost their charm. I’ve
found that the guys I meet in bars are not really interested in my sparkling
personality, if you catch my drift. I don’t go to church, so meeting a nice
guy there is out, and I don’t have the money to enroll in classes or join a
gym.
So my question is this: Where are some other places to meet people?
I feel like I’ve I tried all the normal places, but I know there is more out
there. I just need to get inventive, I suppose, but could use some
inspiration. Got any ideas?
Trying in Texas
Dear Trying,
Here’s an idea — stop trying quite so hard. Live your life. Go to parties. Shop. Listen to music. Participate in activities that you genuinely like because you genuinely like them, not because you think you can find a boyfriend through them.
You’ll meet a guy eventually, but when you view your world as nothing more than a dating pool, it’s obvious, to everyone. And not attractive. Stop hunting.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette roommates sex the fam
