Dear J,

Not really. This is the honeymoon period, after all, where people traditionally put their best, best-behaved selves forward; if this is the best she can do now in terms of getting back to you promptly, you probably don’t have much better to look forward to.

But we’re ahead of ourselves here, a bit, because it doesn’t sound like you’ve addressed this with her directly, which you should try doing before you mentally compose your “this isn’t working out” speech. Let’s say she promises to call you around a certain time, and doesn’t do it. Give her a grace period, then call her yourself; mention, pleasantly, that she’d said she’d call; then move on. Do a version of this each time she flakes until either she gets the hint (she won’t, most likely) or she’s done it three times, and then say something along the lines of, “This is the third time in X days that you’ve kind of disappeared on me and I’d like to know if I should take it personally. If this is just how you roll, well, all right, but I’m the kind of person who likes to make plans quickly and stick to them” — or whatever. Put it in a way that’s about you, and the fact that you would prefer it if she didn’t go off the radar when you’re expecting to hear from her.

But the thing is, you can’t take it personally. I had a boyfriend who didn’t really use his cell phone except in emergencies, and as a result, he didn’t check it that often for messages, and as a result of that, wires got crossed a few times on planning updates or meeting times, and I asked each time for him to please check the dang cell display when he got off the train so it didn’t keep happening, and sometimes he’d remember and sometimes he wouldn’t. He didn’t care about his cell; he tried to, for me, when he remembered, but it wasn’t his nature. Having to leave him physical notes, like, on the doors of restaurants bugged me, but I couldn’t make it about me, because it wasn’t. All you can do with stuff like this is 1) tell the person a behavior bothers you, 2) explain why, using “I” statements, and 3) decide if it’s a deal-breaker when it continues.

And at this point…you know, unless you missed each other for a hang-out because she didn’t get her act together, or there was an emergency and she didn’t respond in a timely fashion, it’s probably not the worst thing in the world. Start calling her on it, gently, and see how you feel about it as things progress. Flakes are often dreamers, too, which is something you might not want to let go of. It just might have its price, is all.

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