The Vine: April 20, 2005
Dear Sars,
Here’s the situation. My cousin and I are the same age, 19, and go to the same college, where we are both sophomores. We live one dorm away from each other and share the same dining hall. Most of my friends live in his dorm, so I go over there often.
That would all be fine except for the fact that the two of us, and our respective families, have not spoken or seen each other for about four years now. There was a huge family fight, which was mainly between our parents, and as a result, his family doesn’t talk to the rest of my extended family. I have never seen him at school, even though it would seem inevitable. The only reason I know where he lives is because our other cousin looked him up in our school’s directory.
I do not know what I should do if I accidentaly run into him on campus. I also feel somewhat compelled to go over to his room and talk to him before that even happens. I don’t know how good of an idea that is, but I am really afraid that I will spend the rest of my life never talking to him, and that now is my chance to possibly change that. I am just worried that going to talk to him might make things worse in the end.
I could really use some guidance on this situation as I don’t really want to talk to my friends about personal family stuff, and my family does not like to bring up the fight. I know I didn’t ask any specific questions, but any advice you have on the situation would be really appreciated.
Signed,
Conflicted Cousin
Dear Cuz,
I think it depends on how close you were with your cousin prior to the schism — because if you were very close, and the only thing keeping the two of you from speaking is a fight that’s more about side-picking than about any grievance either of you has with the other, then maybe it’s time for you to reach out. Call him, see if he wants to meet for coffee and just spend some time together. No need to discuss the fight, and it’s probably best that you don’t, in fact.
If you weren’t all that tight to begin with, or you’re not yet comfortable making the first move here, resolve to be civil and friendly should you run into him. Rehearse greeting him pleasantly, telling him how good it is to see him again, and so on. If he reacts rudely or awkwardly, well, you’ll handle that then, but don’t worry too much about that now; just envision your own response to the situation so you aren’t as apprehensive about it.
But I’d just call him up. Families always have cross-currents like this, some riptides worse than others, and the trick is to keep feuds you aren’t really involved in from affecting your relationships. It’s not easy, but it’s doable, and he probably feels the same way you do. Why not bridge the gap now and get it over with, so at least you can stop worrying about what might happen?
Hi Sars,
I live with what is perhaps the World’s Stickiest Conscience, part and
parcel with a severe case of perfectionism. Thus I’m frequently
chastising myself about something or other, but I sorely need some
perspective on one particular issue.
Over the weekend I hooked up with a friend of a friend on whom I
formerly had a bit of a crush. Mostly it was just heavy petting, and
that’s as far as I had intended it to go. However, the next morning,
sleepy and dull-headed with hangover, his advances weren’t rejected
and we ended up having sex. It was fine with me at the time, but now
I’m beating myself up for having let yet another guy into my pants.
I know that sexual mores are a very personal issue with a very broad
spectrum of opinions, but the issue of number of sexual partners keeps
hanging me up, getting my conscience going on what it perceives as my
slow descent into the level of hell reserved for loose women. My brain
is totally at odds with this, though. I don’t feel like number of
sexual partners should be an issue, and I certainly don’t think that
it is any reflection on a person’s character. So why can’t I let this
go?
Part of it, certainly, is a control issue: I wish I had done better at
keeping things on the not-sex level, but it’s certainly not as large
an assault on my picture of my character as some earlier, infinitely
more stupid and naive sexual encounters. Part of this is that I know
that it’s not healthy behavior to be looking for interest and thus
self-esteem in others, and I see these incidents as a corrolated, and
while they’re getting less dumb and reckless, they’re not not
happening. And part of it, also, is having had some craptastic
boyfriends, like the last one in particular, who thought that five
partners is the most one person should have had, and who then I lied
to about and eventually broke up with in part because of this issue,
for fear of judgment. Seriously — I’m hard enough on myself about
this, I don’t need to deal with this from others.
But the problem is that I’m not dealing well with it myself. Like I
said, I’ve done some supremely dumb-ass things, mostly in college and
while drunk and in bad emotional and self-esteem straits. I want to
get some professional help with this and other things, but am in
health-insurance no-man’s-land at the moment, so another perspective
would be appreciated.
My sincerest thanks for even glancing at this, and seriously, I think
that reading The Vine regularly has helped me to become a better
adult.
Tired of this
Dear Me Too, But Not Because Of You,
The first thing, I think, to try to keep in mind here: the horse is out of the barn. You can’t reseal your hymen, you can’t unfuck your friend or anyone else in your past. You made your choices; you did the best you could at the time; maybe you wish you’d chosen differently, but you can’t go back, so…it’s done. Learning from your past decisions does not mean flagellating yourself for them, so, if you can, try to remember that what’s done is done and that that’s not always a bad thing. Try to let go a little bit. I know how hard that is, believe me, to stop going over situations in your head and wondering what if, so when I say “try not to do it,” I really mean “give yourself like thirty seconds to do it and then think about something else.”
Okay. The next thing is to realize is that we do not live in Victorian England, and therefore phrases like “loose women” are best left to Dickens and DeLay. If you have been as careful as you could about the sexual health and the feelings of yourself and others, any judgment as to the quantity of your sexual partners is bullshit — even if you make them about yourself, because the thing is, this isn’t really about how many people you’ve slept with. It’s about control, and it’s about self-esteem, and if you weren’t giving yourself a hard time about this aspect of your life, you’d be doing it about something else. I’m too fat, I’m too scatterbrained, I’m too much this and not enough that.
So, try to think about why you’ve seized on this particular thing to beat yourself up for. Think about why your opinion of yourself is tied up in other people’s judgments about how many partners you’ve had. Look at the conflict you’ve set up between wanting the validation of sex and sexual attraction — which, who doesn’t, it’s fun — and wanting to be seen as pure. It’s classic Madonna/whore stuff, and it’s totally normal to get caught up in it, but it’s also a big hassle and life is way too short to do that to yourself, trust me — because, see above. You already slept with those guys. The only thing you should regret about that is if you made a poor emotional choice that’s become a pattern, or if he sucked in bed.
I mean, look, next to “sin in haste, repent at leisure” in the dictionary is a picture of me, glaring in the direction of That Guy. I feel you. Regrets, I’ve had a few, blah blah. But there’s a difference between “I can’t believe I DID that, I’m a bad person” and “I don’t want to do that again, it made me an unhappy person.” You need to give yourself a break.
Hi Sars,
I have a grammar question for you. I am currently writing an
independent study on literature for children as a part of my
undergraduate program. In one part of my paper, I quote Oscar Wilde. My
advisor noted a spot in the quotation where a comma should be. I
checked the original. There is no comma there. Should I use “[sic]” in
the place where the comma should be or should I just leave it alone?
Here is the passage from “The Remarkable Rocket”:
“I can see all the ugliness and all the misery of my city, and though my
heart is made of lead yet I cannot choose but weep”
She noted that there should be a comma after “lead.”
Thanks so much,
100 pages long and I’m starting not to care
Dear I Hear That,
“I can see all the ugliness and all the misery of my city, and though my
heart is made of lead[,] yet I cannot choose but weep”
Just bracket the additional punctuation.
Tags: boys (and girls) grammar sex the fam
