The Vine: April 21, 2004
Dear Sars,
Hey there, I’m hoping maybe you can help me with a wee problem I’m having.
I’m 21, and in my final year of university. Last year I moved off-campus into a shared house (our university only provides on-campus accomodation for first-years and post-graduates). I was very lucky in that my dad wanted to invest and he bought a house close to campus for me to live in until I finished uni. All good so far. Last year I moved in with three girls, Blonde #1, Blonde #2, and Christian. At the end of the year Christian decided that she was going to move home, and my boyfriend moved into her room in her place (he’s on a work-placement year in the area, but he studies at a different university). Blondes #1 and 2 get on really well with Boyfriend, they’ve known him for as long as they’ve known me and they had no problems with him moving in — in fact, rather the opposite, because it has helped to fend off the advances of Creepy Guy, who had a big old creepy fixation with Blonde #2.
All good, until now. Blondes #1 and 2 are very close, they have been since first year. It was cool last year living with them, because we integrated really well. I’m not kidding myself about anything here, I know that their main reasons for asking to live with me was because they knew my Dad was buying a house and that it would be a more favourable situation than renting some skanky student house elsewhere. We got on okay, not terribly friendly, but not unfriendly either, and when we all moved in together last year we got on well and I got to know them pretty well.
This year, though, things have changed a little bit. Before term started, Blondes #1 and 2 went on holiday to Crete together for a week and since that have practically been joined at the hip, like seriously, to the extent of eating their breakfast together in Blonde#1’s bedroom in the morning and drying their hair together, EVERYTHING. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous or anything. I don’t want to be as close to them as they are to each other because I don’t think I would have enough energy for that intense a friendship as well as a relationship. It’s just that, well, I feel so much like a guest in my own home, like I’m in the way. If we’re in the sitting room they’ll sit together and talk in hushed tones about really ordinary things — so it’s not like it’s a big secret they don’t want me to know about, they just can’t really be bothered letting me in on it, and when they’re whispering, I CAN’T join in without looking really desperate and sad.
I feel like, if I didn’t make all the effort to talk to them, they’d just forget I was here, and that’s really hurtful. I can literally, and have done this, sit in my room alone all day while they go back and forth from each other’s rooms and only talk to me if they want to ask me to connect to the internet. I like them both a lot, and I don’t want them to feel like I’m trying to muscle in on what they’ve got together, because I’m not, but the way they behave around me makes me feel really isolated and lonely. Boyfriend says maybe I should talk to them about it, and tell them how I’m feeling, but I’m scared that might make them act even more weirdly around me. I’m in my final year of my degree and I don’t want to live in an environment that is stressful for me.
They were friendly with a girl in first year, Not-So-Blonde, and they had a big falling out with her. I never liked Not-So-Blonde that much, she’s a bit bitchy, but she has maintained to this day that Blondes #1 and 2 totally froze her out, made her feel like a fifth wheel (or third wheel, if you’re in Dawson’s Creek-land), and I’m afraid that if I try to talk to Blondes about it, that’ll happen with me too. Any ideas on what I should do?
Thanks so much,
Paranoid Brunette
Dear Para,
Do nothing. The Blondes don’t treat you rudely, and presumably you have 1) your own close friends, besides said Blondes, and 2) something better to do than sit in your room until they notice and include you. Call those friends. Read a book. Who cares what the Blondes get up to? “I do!” Okay…have you made any effort in their direction? Suggested going out for a drink? Rented a movie and invited them to watch? Or have you just folded your arms and waited for them to invite you into The Cone Of Blonde? If you want to hang out with them, you might try actually offering to hang out with them. I’m just saying.
In any case, I don’t quite see why you feel like the odd person out when your boyfriend lives there too. You have your own partner in crime, and again, it doesn’t seem like the Blondes dislike you; they just like each other more, which is going to happen sometimes in life. I think you need to get over it.
Dear Sars,
Recently, I was downsized from the job that I had a love/hate relationship with — loved the work, hated the particularly caustic office politics — and just as I was starting to panic about bills and rent and the horrid state of the job market, I was offered The Dream Job.
Essentially, a client approached me about working directly for them, on a freelance/consulting basis. I work from home, I’m taking on fun new projects, and I’m making more money than before. Sounds fabulous, right?
There’s one problem: I’m having trouble getting out of the house.
I know that sounds bizarre, but I’ve always been one of those people who hates the idea of going out, but when dragged along, has a great time. Kind of a low-level agoraphobe.
Now that I don’t have to cart my ass to work every morning, it’s getting worse. I don’t go out and see my friends, or go shopping, or even get groceries. I’ve been ducking phone calls and IMs. My only human contact most days is my husband, and since I can’t avoid him outright (what with living together and all), I’ve settled for being emotionally distant. I think I’m spending so much time alone, locked up in my head, that I’m not sure how to pull out of it.
As for the client: their office is out-of-state. So while I have very good working relationships with a few people — and a couple that I’d say are inbetween “co-worker” and “friend” at this point — it’s not like I can drop by to discuss the latest project or take them to lunch.
Sars, I’m about two weeks short of moving out into the mountains and becoming a hermit. I know that this is mostly psychological (and yes, I’m in therapy), but I also can’t help thinking that if I could find some scheduled, structured way to force myself out of the house on a regular basis, that it would at least kick-start things in a better direction.
I know that you work from home, too. Is there anything you set up so that you can be sure to see daylight? Lunches with friends, community college classes, pagan cult rituals? Any suggestions would be welcome.
Thank you,
Greta Garbo ’04
Dear GG,
If you haven’t already, you should discuss with your therapist the possibility that you suffer from depression, and discuss going on meds for that. Not really feeling like going out is one thing, but pointedly avoiding human contact even when it comes to you is another, and you might need some short-term chemical means to pop you out of that.
As far as seeing daylight goes, you could do what I do and take advantage of the relative peace and quiet of mornings to run errands when everyone with office jobs is at work, but your problem isn’t that you don’t want to go out; it’s that you don’t want to interact with anyone, and you need to address that first.
Sars,
I have a dilemma, and need some third-party advice. I would love it if you
would oblige…I am
graduating from university this year, and will be going to grad school in
the fall. The question is: where? I have been accepted at two schools, in
two cities, in two different professional programs.
School A is in Montreal, my home city. I love Montreal, I have good friends
there, and I think the program there would be slightly more enjoyable than
the other. Further, this program would lead to a more convenient and
tolerable career than the other (I’m a pragmatist when it comes to work).
The downside is that my family lives there, and, although I love them very
much, the stress of being around them on a regular basis is nearly
unimaginable. Their dramas and manipulations are psycho. I can’t express
enough how the idea of getting involved in their bullshit again irritates
me. Another downside is that School A is located three hours away from
where my partner lives. He would probably be able to visit me
semi-frequently (twice a month) and might be able to stay with me for a few
extended periods, but essentially it would be a long-distance relationship
for two years.
This is pretty much where School B comes in. School B is in the (small)
city where my partner and I have been living for the last four years, while
I was getting my BA and he is working on his PhD (he won’t be done for
another two years, so him moving is not an option). The city is okay, and I
do have great friends and a good life here. The program is interesting, and
I think I would enjoy the academics, but the idea of working in that field
is less than thrilling (there might be cubicles) and less convenient than
the other. In addition, the program at School B is only a year long, so
after that year, I would likely have the same dilemma, since the city my
partner and I live in has minimal opportunity for work. Sars, my partner is
a wonderful person — I love him more than anything.
He supports me, calms
me, excites me, keeps me sane and generally makes my life better in every
way I can think of. The idea of leaving him scares me, but not as much as
the idea that our relationship might not survive the strain of separation.
But then, every time I start to think that I should stay at School B, I feel
like a bad feminist (making decisions based on a man). In addition, if a
(very likely) family crisis occurs, I will not be able to avoid the fallout
no matter how far away I am (but at least I’d have some peace further away).
So, on one hand, I have a long-distance relationship plus a dysfunctional
family with decent long-term employment prospects. On the other, more
stability in terms of life and love, less long-term viability of the plan.
Sincerely,
Relying on Strangers for Life Decision-Making Since 1980
Dear It Was A Very Good Year,
I’d stay put and go to School B. Your degree is going to have less influence on your job prospects than you think, and making decisions based on a man has squat to do with feminism. The decision is based on love, not obedience to the patriarchy, so stop beating yourself up for no reason.
I think it’s what you want to do; you just think you “shouldn’t,” or that a preference based on your personal life isn’t a good enough criterion, but sometimes, it’s the only criterion. Life is short. Do what you think will make you happy — and unless School A can guarantee you your dream job, think twice about assigning that happiness to a career you haven’t even embarked on yet.
Dear Sars,
I have a fairly boring question. You’ve probably heard it before, but none of my friends can give me anything more than, “Well, obviously, he sucks,” so I decided to get another opinion.
Here’s the situation: I met a guy — we’ll call him “W,” for “Wanker” — at a party. We hit it off so we exchanged phone numbers and email addresses and all that. That next weekend we were both leaving for spring break, but we made plans to get together after. W called me the night we both got back and invited me over to watch a movie. The date went really well; he was a lot of fun, great sense of humor, spoke about seven languages. We went on a couple dates after and they also went well. After the last date we made tentative plans to get together the next weekend.
I called him that Saturday to see what he was up to. It’s been two weeks and he hasn’t called me back. Now, during that week we didn’t talk, which wasn’t uncommon as we were both really busy. So how the hell did he suddenly lose all interest in me? I could imagine him not calling back if during the week I had said something stupid, but I didn’t have the chance. And, you know, he seemed to have the maturity level to call back and, you know, lie and say he was busy for the evening.
I’ve been casually seeing another guy (who knows how to use a phone, thankyouverymuch), but it’s still irritating. How can someone just decide they don’t like you when you haven’t been in contact with them? Has he fallen into a hole or something?
Thanks,
Bumquizzled
Dear Bum,
Maybe he reunited with an ex; maybe he got eaten by a bear; maybe he’s a gutless twerp. Except for the “maybe” part on that last one.
I mean, he’s allowed to not like you That Way, obviously, but he could pick up a phone and kindly tell you that he’s not into it and good luck to you, instead of leaving you hanging. In any case, I don’t know “how” (or if) he decided not to like you anymore, but if he’s the guy who doesn’t return phone calls, who cares how? He showed his true colors before any real damage got done. Breathe a sigh of relief and focus on the other guy.
Dear Sars,
I don’t suppose you know any good cures for insomnia, do you?
Not sleeping in Texas
Dear Texas,
Let’s run down the Insomniac Don’ts list quickly, just in case: no caffeine; no booze or drugs; no food for three hours before you go to bed; don’t use the bed for anything but sleeping and sex; if you can’t sleep for fifteen minutes, get up so you don’t associate your bed with sleeplessness.
If you observe these protocols and you still can’t get to sleep, and if nothing in your life is particularly bothering you aside from the fact that you can’t get to sleep, my strategy is roughly “fuck it, I’ll read a book.” Most of my insomnia these days is feline-induced, but if they don’t want to sleep and won’t let me sleep either, I just get up and do dishes or take in a movie on AMC until they simmer down. Either way, most of what’s frustrating about insomnia is that you feel a weird guilt, for lack of a better word, about not sleeping — so make use of the time somehow so that you don’t get stressed out about wasting it. Pay bills. Teach yourself Italian.
Either way, try not to worry about it, because nothing is going to perpetuate insomnia like freaking out about it. It sucks, but it’ll pass. Also, get a Starbucks card.
Tags: boys (and girls) health and beauty roommates workplace
