The Vine: April 22, 2009
Hey Sars,
I can’t shake these feelings I have for a guy.
We dated for less than three months in the summer of 2007 (geez is right). Met at work, started light flirtations, and then took the plunge into dating. And the dating? It was really nice. We had a lot in common, and being around him was easy. Yeah, there was that general nervousness you get in the beginning, the one brought on by the need to make a good/lasting impression, but, still, being around him was easy. And I think it’s safe to say he felt the same about me (I have emails from him as proof).
Things ended between us because, well, it just wasn’t right. I realize that contradicts the last two or three run-ons. The thing is, or was, about a month and a half into dating, I told him about this dream I had. In the dream, I caught him half-interestedly kissing a girlfriend of mine.
Sorry, wait, I need to back up a step.
See, because he and I worked together, we kept the fact that we were seeing each other hidden from our coworkers, save for one or two individuals in our respective circles that we trusted. We weren’t in a superior/subordinate situation at work; we just didn’t want anyone in our business, especially since I was fairly new to the department.
Back to the dream: because our relationship was a secret in real life, naturally it was a secret in dream life. So, in the dream, after kissing my girlfriend, he found himself troubled, whereas she found herself hopeful. My girlfriend proceeded to gush to dream-me about the kiss, and all dream-me could do was sit and stew and play the good cheerleading friend. But deep down, dream-me was extremely upset by the kiss. And that feeling of upset carried over when I awoke. Real-me sat in bed and decided it was time to have “a prelude to a talk.”
To know me is to know that I don’t like committing myself to someone so quickly. Well, that’s not entirely true. What I mean is I’m comfortable with monogamy from the onset, but don’t call me your girlfriend until I feel like it’s safe to call me your girlfriend (safe usually takes a few months).
So about a day or so after the dream, I told him about it, told him it left me troubled. In that same conversation, I said to him, “I need to know if you plan on seeing other people. Because if you do, that’s fine. But know that, right now, I like you to the point where seeing other people is not OK with me. Were we a couple of weeks into dating, sure; but this far along, no. I’m not asking you to call me your girlfriend; I’m not ready for that. I’m just saying that if you want to see other people, I need to know so I can make my exit. I don’t want to get hurt later on.”
He proceeded to tell me that he had no interest in seeing anyone else, and that he intended to continue seeing only me (he took down his Match.com profile after meeting me). But he also told me that he wasn’t ready to start using labels (i.e. girlfriend and boyfriend). I assured him I was on the same page. We continued to date happily for another two weeks before he called things off.
He said that he felt like his feelings for me weren’t progressing. He liked me, no doubt, but he questioned how much he should be liking me after X amount of time. He said that after the talk we had (the seeing other people-slash-dream talk) he started to get concerned that my feelings for him would progress, but his for me wouldn’t. And all he could see was me getting needlessly hurt in the process.
I’m a stubborn and proud jackhole, Sars. So my response to him was, “OK, if that’s how you feel. We’re both adults. That’s what dating’s all about; you spend time with someone and either it works or it doesn’t.” To which he replied, “It’s not that black and white. This is truly sad.”
He stayed on with the company for another year, and he and I remained good friends. The kidding around, the jovial behavior, everything we were minus a couple remained intact. I can’t speak for him, but it was effing hard. I really liked the guy, Sars. And to be able to be around him in all the ways that made us great, but not be dating him was agony.
Fast forward to the summer of 2008. He lands a new job on the East Coast, 2,000 miles away. In the days approaching his last weekend in town, he asked me to dinner, a swan song, if you will. At dinner, I playfully asked him to eulogize our friends/coworkers. I wanted to know what about them he’d miss the most. I saved myself for last, of course. And what he said, is largely why I can’t shake my feelings for him.
He said, “You know I care about you, I do. But honestly [my name here], when people talk about ‘the one,’ I think of you.”
He went on to tell me about the emotional turmoils he was having right around the time we were dating — his brother was admitted into a psychiatric facility for depression, and he was contemplating his future with the company we worked for (he wasn’t entirely happy with his job). This was all unbeknownst to me at the time they were transpiring, of course.
He also went on to say that a large reason for his ending things between us was because he couldn’t say for certain how long he’d be around. He was in talks with a headhunter and actively seeking employment elsewhere, employment that probably would’ve taken him out of the state (and subsequently did).
Then he got a bit morose and said, “I’m just afraid I won’t know when to stop looking for the next big opportunity.” To which I replied, “You’ll know.” Maybe I’m completely off my mark, but I took his statement to mean that he’s afraid he won’t be able to permit himself to stand still for the sake of a woman. Being good at your job is easy in comparison to being good at a relationship. The man’s only had one relationship. And by his account, he wasn’t that into it, not like he was his career (it was a move to Spain courtesy of a promotion that prompted him to dump his girlfriend). Go with what you know — that’s what I think he’s functioning to.
Anyway, I can’t change who he is, nor do I want to. I suspect he’ll be a career chaser for a good while longer. Nonetheless, I still have these feelings for him, feelings that make it hard for me to date other people (there’s only been one man after him). I think of him constantly, and what we could’ve been. And the truth is I don’t not want to feel this way. I need to not feel this way.
I’m the one who was the one but isn’t the one
Dear None,
You weren’t The One.Weren’t, aren’t — won’t be.You’re making excuses for him so that you can continue to hope: listing all the other issues he had at the time; citing old emails; noting that he’s only had the one other serious relationship.
You do this so that it doesn’t have to be your fault, so that it wasn’t you or anything you are that he didn’t want.It’s a totally normal instinct, we’ve all done it, and the fact is that it wasn’t your fault — it wasn’t anyone’s fault.It just didn’t go anywhere.
But because he said the things he did about your One-ness, and because you stayed friends with him and didn’t let yourself move on completely, you’re still telling yourself stories about what could have been (or could be, one day).It’s easier than accepting the truth, which is that it costs him nothing to say some flatteringly regretful stuff about destiny, but you’ll notice he didn’t actually act on it.
He’s not a bad guy, but he’s not your One, either.I have put this in rather harsh termsbecause accepting that he’s not the guy will set you free to enjoy your life, stop second-guessing yourself, and recognize the One when he does come along, and you should do it posthaste.The good news is that Not One is moving far away; you don’t have to have any contact with him from now on, and you shouldn’t, for a minimum period of three months.
Again: I’m not saying this sugar-free to make you feel bad.You should feel good — that it’s not on you, and that you get to move on.Everyone does these port-mortems and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but eventually, you’ve got to forgive yourself and forget the guy.Wish him luck and lose his number.
Sars,
I could use some perspective, stat.
My husband A has two friends, B and C, whom he’s known since grade school.A and B have been best friends practically forever.I met B and C when I was in high school, and we’d all stayed pretty close even after graduation, college, moves across the country, and marriage.
A and B had another friend from high school, D.D and B were tight while they were in college, and when D died after a long illness, B took it pretty hard.B’s never been the same after that loss, but even though we worried about him, he always tried to make time for us when we were in town and almost seemed like his old self again when we were all together.
Then B began to really fall on some hard times; his major is not something that commands a great deal of respect or money, and he’s had some difficulty trying to find a good job.Of course, the more obstacles he encounters, the less motivated he gets to try to find a job.He was barely able to make ends meet, and we got the impression that he was embarrassed to hang out with us, because while A and C and I are all thriving professionally and personally, he’s stuck in this shithole that he can’t seem to get out of.
B began to withdraw, and when we were able to see him, he acted like an envious jackass.A and I tried to maintain the friendship with B for as long as we could, but B made it harder and harder to do that, so we fell out of touch.Meanwhile, C lived close enough to B that she could still see him once in a while.
Cut to the present.Yesterday A and I got a frantic call from C saying that B is suicidal.This past weekend, C’s job took her to a conference in the town where B lives.While there, C asked B whether he could put her up for the night, and he agreed.C arrived to find B living in absolute squalor, and her visit also uncovered a myriad of other concerns, like B mixing sleeping antidepressants with alcohol, credit-card companies coming after him, and emotional fallout from a recent breakup with a girl.
B’s had enough, I guess, because he started talking about how the world would be a better place without him.He even led C to believe that he’d been giving the logistics of suicide a great deal of thought, because he was so concerned about who would find him and how they would know to look for him, since he lives alone and isn’t dating.
C was terrified and stayed up all night with B so he wouldn’t do anything to hurt himself.Eventually she was able to talk him off the ledge, so to speak.
None of us is sure what to do.I don’t want to sound callous, but A and I are expecting our first child this summer and have our hands full with work and baby prep as it is.C has her own job and personal life to contend with.None of us lives close enough to B to keep an eye on him at all times, and I don’t feel it would be our responsibility to do that even if we could.We’re all feeling helpless right now.
What should we do?Should we call his parents, who have no idea what’s going on with their son?Should we call the local authorities and inform them that we have reason to believe B might hurt himself?Should we try to gently prod him into seeking professional help?
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
No, you can’t keep an eye on B at all times; he’s an adult.He also seems to have a history of emotional problems, or problems dealing productively with his problems, and he’d definitely benefit from an intervention — but do you have “the right” to do that?And if you do, how do you do it?
My belief is that, if a friend or family member has stated even obliquely that he wants to harm himself, you need to do something.Nobody wants to be a drama queen, or do something ineffectual, and if B is really determined, there won’t be much you can do, but you’d rather not look back and wonder, if you know what I mean.
I think B needs to be told, with love but as firmly and clearly as possible, that he is scaring all of you a great deal — his long psychological decline, the self-destructive behavior, the living like a pig, all of that would concern you enough, but now he’s having suicidal thoughts, and you want him to get some help, because he needs it and he deserves better than this.
You love him, you don’t judge him, but he’s got to find a clinic or go to a hospital or start intensive counseling — something to save his life.And if he doesn’t do it, you will call the cops and his parents, because you’re afraid that if you don’t, he’ll die.
And then call his parents anyway.Better yet, track down his local friends somehow, or a neighbor, and let them know what C witnessed; see if they have any thoughts, see if anyone’s checking on him.I would try to avoid involving the ex, but if you have to, you have to.
He may hate you for it; he may not get help.Or he may have been waiting for someone to say something, for someone to notice and tell him it’s okay to get help.I can’t predict.But if he’s given voice to suicidal thoughts or plans, someone has to do something.
I know you have other things to deal with in your life; you’re going to resent him a little for this, and that’s okay.Just try to remember that this level of depression is really not something he can control any longer — and be open with your husband about any concerns you have that the B situation is going to interfere with your own family.
Hi Sars,
I have a wedding etiquette question that I can’t seem to find addressed anywhere on the Interwebs, so I turn to you.
Last fall, I received a “save the date” for the wedding of two coworkers, Bob and Jane, both members of my social circle at work. Fast forward several months, and for whatever reason, that circle sort of disintegrated (or, at least, stopped including me). I was actually surprised to receive an invitation to the actual wedding, since I hadn’t spoken with Bob or Jane for months despite working in the same building. I was flattered to be included, so I returned my RSVP card accepting their invitation right away.
In seemingly unrelated news, I recently received a scholarship to attend Prestigious Graduate School A, which I also gleefully accepted. I was careful not to brag about my scholarship at work, since many of my coworkers have finished or are currently attending the same sort of graduate program and paying for it themselves. However, since I had been leaning toward Prestigious Graduate School B, where Jane goes, I wanted to tell her about my decision to switch to A.
I mentioned the scholarship to a few other close friends at my office, but I didn’t send a mass email or anything…for the most part, people were really happy for me and totally agreed that A is the right choice.
The problem is, Bob has never congratulated me on the scholarship or even acknowledged that I got it. I can tell from our sparse interactions that he is not supportive of my decision for whatever reason. Perhaps it is because Jane goes to B and has to pay for it herself, or perhaps it is because he went to Less Prestigious School C and is jealous. I don’t know.
I am more than a little hurt that he cannot get it up and even fake being happy for me, especially because I am in no way a jealous person and have been nothing but happy for Bob and Jane that they found each other and are totally in love and getting married. I got the scholarship over a month ago, and his office is next door to mine, so he has had plenty of chances to say “congratulations,” but instead he is avoiding me and telling other coworkers that he thinks I am making a mistake for not paying an ungodly sum for school B. This is all so junior high with all of the talking behind everyone’s back that I have decided I am over this whole group and their backstabbing (I have seen them turn on other people but didn’t think it would happen to me — duh).
If I had known this was how it was going to be, I would not have accepted their wedding invitation. I don’t feel like I am close enough friends with Jane to be invited to the wedding, and I thought I was closer friends with Bob, but clearly, we are not. I wish I had waited, like, a day longer to send in my reply card, because I am in no way looking forward to going.
This whole situation makes me want to distance myself from these people, and I am doing so, but what about this wedding? Is there any graceful way to change my reply? Or should I suck it up and go and face some awkwardness at the table from the social circle (a few of whom side with Bob)?
Thanks in advance!
RSVPlease get me off this crazy thing
Dear Thing,
It’s unclear to me whether you have to continue to work with these people after you start the program.If you do, it’s easiest just to go.Wear a nice dress, smile, have a couple of free drinks, and as soon as you can exit gracefully, do so.
That’s probably the best solution regardless.Yes, you can always send an email or tell Bob in person that you’re very sorry, but you won’t be able to make it after all — don’t give details, just wish them well.But then it’s a whole thing where you’ve messed with their head count, and if they’re already childishly treating you like a frenemy, it just gives them more ammunition.
People at your table might “side with” Bob, but Bob’s wedding isn’t really the place to discuss those things anyway.Stick to small talk; it’s only a few hours.
(This is all assuming that you won’t have to travel to the wedding; if it’s more than an hour away, changing your RSVP is a more viable option.You can also just…not show up, as it’s unlikely they’d notice, but I don’t recommend that.)
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships workplace
@concerned: As someone who’s brother attempted suicide and who works in suicide prevention as a result of that, I would second Sars’ advice and add to call someone–friends, his parents, as soon as possible. If someone has plans on how they would kill themselves, and they are not vague that is a BIG HONKING warning sign. I would not say you’d be a drama queen for involving his parents or anyone else.
But to add to that (and again, as Sars said)–it’s not your job, nor A or C’s to fix him. You’re not trained professionals. You can offer support and be there as a friend, but he has to be the one to start fixing his life–and the first part of that is getting help, my guess probably in patient.
It’s OK to feel resentful of your friend–suicide (the act, the attempt, or threatening) is a selfish, horrible act. But know the person doing this is in deep deep pain and is unaware of how much this is affecting others.
If it helps–my brother was seriously depressed and was a complete asshole for 3+ years. After his attempt and once he got treatment and committed to that (which didn’t happen right away), he turned back into the kind sibling I had always known. Men suffering from depression sometimes get angry and push people away–not a statistical statement, just something I’ve found. That could explain some of his jerkiness–or not. I’m not saying that will happen for your friend, or that this is the norm, but I hope it works out for you and him both. Congrats on your baby.
@Thing–Look, you accepted the wedding invitation. You don’t get to beg off unless there’s some kind of an emergency that comes up. “Bob hasn’t congratulated me” is A) petty and B) not wedding etiquette in the first damn place.
I agree with the advice given to Concerned, but I feel compelled to mention something. Syph, you refer to suicide as a “selfish, horrible act,” and although I agree with the “horrible” part, I have to admit that I bristle when I hear people talk about how selfish suicide is. To me, that’s the same as calling someone who dies form lung cancer selfish. Both lung cancer and depression are diseases, and although both have treatments, and the treatments in both cases can fail to cure the illness, resulting in death. I’ll get off my soap box now, but I feel like statements like that demonize the sufferer and perpetuate the stigma attached to mental illness.
@Thing – did you ever tell Bob about the scholarship directly? I can’t tell from your letter if you talked with him, or if he just learned about it through Jane, the grapevine, whatever. Not that I condone him talking shit about your choice behind your back, but part of his prickliness could stem from feeling hurt that he didn’t hear about it from you (if that’s the case). People can be funny about that kind of thing.
But I also agree with slythwolf. This isn’t one you take to the mat. I know the scholarship and grad school decision is the sun of your universe right now (really and truly, I have SO been there), but you have to understand that it’s of relatively little significance to your coworkers. It’s not like you had a baby or a heart attack and he’s not acknowledging it. It’s a scholarship. Cool, and wonderful for you, but not high on the ranks of Things That Must Be Socially Acknowledged.
That said, congratulations! Enjoy it!
As someone whose sister committed suicide two years ago, I want to protest the “suicide is a selfish, horrible act” statement that Syph makes. (Well, not the “horrible” part. It is, undeniably, horrible for everyone involved.) My sister suffered from some version of schizophrenia on top of bipolar disorder. It was probably schizoaffective disorder, but although she was in some form of treatment for nearly ten years, she never got a definite diagnosis. Her doctors looked her at her with fear in their faces when she told them she heard voices. The only drug that stopped the voices was Thorazine, which effectively turned her into a zombie. She worked really hard over many years to climb out of depression, and conquer severe anxiety attacks, and put her life back together again. She had a loving boyfriend and a steady job and had gone back to school. And then her brain chemistry shifted on her yet again, and the voices got worse than ever. Have you ever been to a demonstration of what a schizophrenic goes through? Try to having someone scream at you 24 hours a day that you are worthless and laugh at you while telling you how stupid you are. Then try to come to terms with the fact that it’s your own brain doing the screaming and laughing. She couldn’t face that struggle again, and I can’t possibly blame her for that. I don’t see her decision as a selfish act. I know that not everyone struggling with suicidal ideation has a story quite as extreme as my sister’s, but I don’t see how it’s fair to generalize about people’s decisions to end their lives or to imply that survivors of suicide should see their loved ones’ painful (and often silent) struggle as an act of “supreme selfishness,” which is something I heard from others in the aftermath of my sister’s death.
@slythwolf: I don’t think she’s saying “I don’t want to go to his wedding because he didn’t congratulate me” –he’s saying nasty things behind her back. I wouldn’t want to go to his wedding either. If she has to work with them, it’s easy enough to suck it up and go, but if not –I’d retract my acceptance, too.
@concerned: A little over a year ago, after a serious of horrible events, I became clinically depressed and suicidal. B let C come stay, which I think in some way was a plea for help, by letting her see what his life’d become and by sharing his thoughts. I think sometimes when people sink that low, they need help but don’t know how to get it or feel too hopeless to try. I felt so bad about my life, I didn’t even want to try to get better because everything felt so pointless.
That said, my closest friend J at the time demanded I get professional help. Kindly, compassionately, but without taking no for an answer. Either I got help immediately or he had to contact my family. And that did it. He followed up to make sure I contacted a therapist and made sure I went to that first appt. I got therapy, twice a week, and while I’m still paying for it, I’m no longer clinically depressed or suicidal and that money’s worth every cent.
I can’t speak for B, but if my friend had contacted my family, I wouldn’t have hated him for it (much as I’m glad he didn’t). I think when things get that dire, it’s worth the risk of saving the life, losing the friendship. And I totally echo Sars on the contacting local people, even if the ex can’t help, maybe she can point out the best people to contact. Good luck to you and A and especially to B.
@ thing… The wedding and your wish for congratulations are two very different issues.
Being invited to a wedding means that a couple wants you to celebrate with them. You say that you’re genuinely happy for them… be genuinely happy and go.
I totally get why you’re miffed about the no congrats thing. Seems like he’s being a bit of a dink, but his behaviour is still unrelated to his wedding. In an interesting side-bar, my fiance is considering not inviting one of his oldest friends to our wedding because the friend has yet to offer congratulations on our engagement (it’s been about two months.)
And really? What do you care about what co-workers think about your education choices? What matters is that you are making the right decision for yourself.
I get a feeling we’re not getting a complete picture of Thing’s sitch. Her hint about ‘the circle [stopped including me]’, the confession of not talking to these people for months, the what strikes me as out-of-proportion umbrage at the lack of Bob’s congratulations, all seem to suggest more than meets the eye here.
But since we can only opine on what’s before us, Sars’s advice to sack up and go to the wedding is correct. Once you’ve accepted an invitation, you’re obligated, excepting illness, injury, or invite to the White House.
Which might be the takeaway lesson here: Don’t be hasty with the RSVP for folks with whom relations are strained.
@ Jaime @JC I didn’t mean to stigmatize mental illness or insult anyone with my statement and I’m truly sorry if I offended you or any other readers. I actually work in for a non-profit that does suicide and mental health prevention and education for young people.
Look, we all have different experiences. I do not mean to generalize. I am completely proud of my brother and how far he’s come since his suicide attempt. But yes, I do feel his suicide attempt, especially since he had 2 young children who were in the house when he tried, was a selfish act. My brother is a kind wonderful father who would normally never do anything that would hurt his children, but he was in deep pain. Absolutely it was a cry for help. But it was also, in my opinion, a really terrible thing to do to 2 young children. But those are my issues, which yes, I am working out in therapy.
Again, my apologizes.
Yeah, something about Thing’s letter struck me as a little bit hinky. Like…other people’s lives are not about you. It would be nice if he congratulated you, but keeping score of whether other people have gone out of their way to acknowledge your good fortune is kind of…weird, to me.
As far as saying he disagrees with your decision…that’s not shit-talking you. Shit-talking you is “she’s a bitch.” Disagreeing with your decision — as in, “That’s certainly not the decision I would make; I think she’s crazy to go to School A instead of School B” — is called “discussing your friends,” and everyone I know does it. Believing you’re making a bad decision, and expressing that to other people (if you’re going around telling other people at work), doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person. People owe you enough courtesy not to tell you they don’t support your decisions; I don’t know if you have a right to demand, as you seem to, that (1) they agree with your decision; and (2) they tell you so.
It almost sounds to me like you’re upset because he won’t admit that you’ve somehow beaten Jane by getting a scholarship when she has to pay for herself. Furthermore, the mention of how you’re nothing but happy for them that they fell in love and got married came TOTALLY out of left field for me and caused massive sirens to start going off. I’m not sure what’s going on with you and these people, but the “stopped including me” comment and all this other stuff just makes me feel like…there’s more to this, which makes me think you might be better off sending a gift and pretending to be sick, because I’m not sure anybody needs anybody at their wedding who’s in attendance resentfully.
Concerned;
I agree with Sars–and would add that you have an opportunity to help your friend; if he was willing to let someone see his mess and willing to share his suicidal thoughts, he probably is open to help. And even if he isn’t–well, as a depressive, I know firsthand how the disease skews your judgement. It’s nearly impossible to know what is best for you.
And as the sister of someone who didn’t reach out before ending his life, it’s an opportunity I, my family, and all his friends sincerely wish we’d been given.
“…that circle sort of disintegrated (or, at least, stopped including me). …since I hadn’t spoken with Bob or Jane for months despite working in the same building. …and his office is next door to mine, so he has had plenty of chances to say “congratulations,” but instead he is avoiding me….”
Yeah, I think there is more going on with this situation than Thing has written. I smell DRAMA. You haven’t spoken in months but want to skip their wedding because he hasn’t congradulated you on a scholarship? Skip the all the drama and keep your relationships at work professional. Life is not an episode of The Hills.
To the One: having had a really, really similar situation that left me hung up for years (like 6), what finally moved me past him was this: if I was the One for him, or he was the One for me, he wouldn’t have left. It’s that simple. He would have stayed, or asked me to go with. He did neither. Make him a sweet memory, and move on.
I know that depression is a real and difficult illness to overcome. But in most cases suicide is a selfish thing to do. It is also often a mistake. Mental illness warps a person’s perceptions.
If there is anything you can do to prevent someone from killing himself, please do it. If there is a risk of imminent harm try to get the person to an ER and see if they can be admitted .
Telling a person who has a plan to kill him/herself that it’s either go to the doctor or and ambulance will be called will probably really piss the depressed person off. It did me. Please do something anyway. A real friend eventually thank you but even if they don’t, wouldn’t you rather have a live former friend than a dead friend?
You know, speaking as someone who has, quite literally, been on suicide watch in the last couple of weeks (and I mean friends watching out for me to the extent that one evening I wasn’t allowed to take a shower without a friend in the room, facing the wall but monitoring me nonetheless)…
I think Sars is right. Suicide is selfish. Suicide is when you decide that you would rather give up, rather hurt the people who love you than try and fight through the pain.
On the other hand, it’s quite easy to convince yourself that, no, really, those people will get over it and they’ll be better off in the long run. Even when, like me, you have people who love you who tell you otherwise in so many words, tell you how your suicide would ruin their lives, would haunt them forever. People who’ll go so far as to make sure you’re not alone, ever, for several days straight until you’re out of that hole.
When you sink that low, you might not be able to help it. So you need not to sink that low, and people who care about you, who know you’re sick (and it’s called a mental ILLNESS for a reason) sometimes need to be there to make sure you don’t when you can’t stop yourself on your own.
It’s hard. It sucks. I know my friends would be better off if I wasn’t mentally ill, but I also know that despite my mental illness, my friends wouldn’t be better off without me. B might not know that, and needs to.
For the record, I wasn’t the one who called suicide selfish. We could describe it that way, and we can feel enormously angry at and betrayed by people we love who attempt it, successfully or not, because they’re depriving us of themselves without our consent. That reaction is, I think, appropriate, and is a part of grieving regardless of the circumstances of a death.
But the self-absorption that is so often a hallmark of profound depression, as trying as it is to others, is a power of ten more painful to the sufferer, and it tends to warp their perceptions. I’m not saying suicidally depressed people aren’t responsible for their actions, or that their loved ones can’t feel frustrated and ripped off, but “selfish” isn’t really the right term. It’s a facet of it, sort of, but it’s not the whole story.
People have different opinions on this. My feeling is that you have to try to imagine for a few minutes what it’s like to feel so bad that you just want to lie down forever, and then try to forgive the wounded animal for biting you.
To NOT the ONE
Sars was blunt, but she is right.
Along the way to now, he could have said something to try to restart the relationship. YOU could have asked if he wanted to try that. No one did that. I don’t think either of you cares enough to take that small but honest (and mature) emotional risk.
i am making some assumptions here, but i think you have made part of the relationship better in memory than it really was. And pining over the perfect relationship (that wasn’t perfect) is so much easier than doing the work to find/create a realistic happy relationship. Stated another way – your story would make a typical romance novel, where you really could write the romantic ending you want. But since this is your life, not a novel, i think the healthy thing to do is move on, and do the work on finding a more right relationship.
Or WRITE the novel and the ending you want – maybe it will help you see it more clearly.
@Jane and @JC:
My brother killed himself two and a half years ago. It was a selfish, horrible thing to do. Sure, he had his reasons, and was in pain, and blah blah blah. Rapists and murderers often also have heartbreaking stories of abuse, maladjustment, and sometimes mental illness (not too often – mentally ill people are usually not dangerous to others, only themselves). What they do is still horrible and criminal.
I don’t care what the reasons are for a person to commit suicide – hell, they HAVE to be compelling for someone to go against the most basic instinct we have – y’know, living. It’s still a selfish, horrible, destructive, and cowardly thing to do.
I haven’t forgiven my brother, and never will, and if there is an afterlife (which I don’t believe in), the first thing I will do upon seeing his selfish, horrible, cowardly face is kick him in his ghostly balls.
As someone who is currently planning a wedding (2 months away now unbelievably), can I just say:
1) please don’t “just not show up” (although I know Sars did say she didn’t recommend this) which I think is incredibly rude after you’ve actually accepted the invite; and
2) if you are not really friends with the couple, you don’t really want to be there and you don’t think they rate you that much anyway, for goodness sake, come up with a good excuse to decline now!
Out of my 150 invites, there is one person we have invited which I now really regret (long story) and I know she doesn’t really want to come either – I am yet to receive her reply but I’d much rather she gracefully declined than have her resentful, unjoyous presence there on the day!
Sami: On the other hand, it’s quite easy to convince yourself that, no, really, those people will get over it and they’ll be better off in the long run.
Yes. You are troublesome and unpleasant to be around, so of course people only put up with you because they feel obliged to, and they’d surely recognize their good fortune if you were to die. In fact, they’d probably be grateful… right?
Living with depression can be so overwhelming that one assumes everybody is having that much trouble getting through the day, because it seems like a normal condition of life. So obviously you don’t want to ask for help, because you’d be making life harder for a fellow sufferer, and really it would be easier for everybody if you just went away permanently… right?
Sars has it right. Depressed people are almost always wrapped up in themselves, but it’s not because they feel like having all the attention — it’s because they really can’t see beyond their feelings. At some point, you kind of have to put the normal rules of accountability on hold while you deal with the immediate problem. There’s time enough to discuss their behavior once they’re not looking to kill themselves.
I spent nearly 20 years being seriously depressed and often suicidal. What changed to move me into therapy? It wasn’t my doctor, recommending a therapist every time I saw her. It wasn’t the fear of eternal damnation if I succeeded to be an at-the-time Catholic suicide. It was a friend. A friend who told me she’d always be there to listen and she loved me, but she was afraid for me that she wouldn’t be enough to help me and wanted me to see a therapist. So I did. And fortunately for me, talk therapy worked for me.
One conversation may not do it. You may need to get others involved. Being depressed means you have a really skewed idea of yourself and the world and your place in it.
Suicide is no more selfish than dying of cancer. It’s dying of depression because you don’t see the forest for the trees. Help your friend see the forest.
@RSVPlease
I agree with everyone who said there’s got to be more to this story. In any case, I do think you should learn that keeping a friendship scorecard is a way to a) lose friends over stupid shit and b) make yourself really unhappy.
From what I can tell, you haven’t told Bob directly about the scholarship, just trusted to him to learn about it elsewhere and then got pissed when he didn’t make it A Thing to come to you and say congratulations. That’s really passive aggressive. You have to understand that people get absorbed in their own life, and while the scholarship is a huge deal to you, it just isn’t to other people who have their own lives and problems, particularly ones who are caught up in wedding planning. Yes, your friends should care about and be happy for the big things in your life, but sometimes you have to wake them up and say, “Hey! Big thing here has happened to me! Isn’t it great?” I learned this lesson with my own friends-when I set out to do Big Meaningful Thing to me, and they didn’t understand it was BMT and made lots of jokes about it, meaning no harm; we just like to give each other shit. I finally blew up, ripped them a new one, explaining why it was BMT, and then they were like “…oh. That’s great, then. We’re happy for you. Sorry we didn’t get it.” If I had explained up front that it was BMT and why, it would have saved drama. If you had told Bob about the scholarship, or e-mailed him, or whatever, I’m sure he would have said Congrats even if he thought the other school was better.
In any case, you are obligated to go, barring an emergency. Bob and Jane are going to be busy with all their guests; you won’t have to really talk to them for more than five minutes if you don’t want to. And after everyone’s eaten, which is what, two hours tops, you can move around and socialize with people you want to socialize with. Suck it up.
Suicide isn’t about you, the survivor. It’s about the depressed person who is so utterly bereft and miserable and having so much difficulty even getting out of bed that they cannot take another minute of their agony. I feel it’s just as selfish to ask that a suicidal, depressed person stay in that agony for the rest of their lives for the sake of everyone else than to be “selfish” enough to end their own lives and their pain and put other people through agony. If suicidal people could just deal with the pain, then they would. But they find it awfully, awfully hard to do that.
When I was in treatment for depression, and finally coming out of it, I was sort of marvelling to my psychiatrist about how I couldn’t believe some of my earlier thought processes. She said, “Yes, depression is an incredibly self-centered disease.”
That really rang true for me. It’s not the depressed person’s fault, but depression makes it basically impossible for the sufferer to focus on anything but himself and his pain. That’s why they feel guilty for things that they have no need to feel guilt for; that’s why suicide starts to look reasonable. I don’t think it’s inaccurate to say that suicide is selfish.
@The One: the premise of “He’s Just Not That Into You†and books/advice of that ilk is basically that actions speak louder than words. If someone wants to call you, s/he will call; if someone wants to ask you out, s/he will ask; if someone wants to commit to you, s/he will commit. Your guy said a bunch of nice things … and then left, which means he wanted to leave (and also that he didn’t have to deal with the fallout of saying nice things). If he wanted to be with you, y’all would be together. He’ll “stand still for the love of a good woman†when he meets a woman who makes him want to do it. Sadly, you were not that woman. Remember the good times fondly, but keep him a memory.
@Thing: if you RSVPed yes and do not become ill or injured or have a family emergency, you have to go. (And if you do become ill, injured, or have a family emergency, you have to let them know, preferably before the date, if possible.) I’m not married, but my best friend married last fall and one of our mutual friends didn’t show up to the wedding. To this day, 6 months later, he has offered no explanation. It cost them money and it’s rude. If you already suspect you’ve fallen out of the couple’s favor, then it will only get worse if they’re stuck paying $100 for a meal you didn’t eat. And if I’m part of the couple and you don’t show up and I see you at work and ask why you didn’t come and you said it was because you didn’t get congratulated about your scholarship, I’d be like, “Seriously?” (Actually, I’d probably say “… Congratulations,” with a pointed pause.)
Yeah, I’m not sure there’s any conflict between “it’s selfish” and “it’s the result of an illness.” There are illnesses that make people behave violently; if you’re the target of the violence, it’s absurd to say, “You shouldn’t feel angry.” I think it’s expecting too much compartmentalization for someone in that situation not to struggle with anger and resentment, even if they know the violence is illness-driven. I kind of see this the same way.
When I hear suicide described as “selfish,” I don’t hear “because the person is fundamentally a selfish person,” I just hear, “because the person has lost the ability to weigh their own needs against the effects of their behavior on others.”
But in both cases, you meet your own needs in a way that causes immense suffering to other people. Being angry seems totally understandable to me, but so does distinguishing between illnesses and failures of character.
Agree with all above who say suicide is a selfish, horrible act. My mother suffered with depression all her life and attempted suicide many times over a 15-year period, had us on needles and pins. Our lives revolved around her. For example, I was instructed at the age of 12 to check on mom when I got home from school to see if she was sleeping and if she was, to wake her up and if I couldn’t, to call an ambulance. And of course this all had to be kept secret, just among our family. However, when she really almost succeeded (while being on suicide watch at an in-patient facility) I spilled it to a couple of friends. She had managed to hang herself a few days before Christmas and I was taking finals at college and the tears and rage came spilling out of me in front of a couple of friends. I swallowed it all back up after that night, again. (again again again) Oh, and she survived after being in a coma for a little while. Fast-forward a few more years, and she finally got to a place, after all the kids were out of the house, and probably after my dad died, too, where she was sufficiently medicated and isolated enough that she didn’t feel the need to let us all know how much pain she was in by trying to leave us all. I was a real mess for years. She wrecked my life. For years I would panic about not being there, just in case. But I’m working on it.
You can try to get them help but you can’t fix them. They have to fix themselves. It’s a horrible fact.
Thanks for giving the space to vent anonymously.
@ Elizabeth: Yes. You are troublesome and unpleasant to be around, so of course people only put up with you because they feel obliged to, and they’d surely recognize their good fortune if you were to die. In fact, they’d probably be grateful… right?
Yes. Very much yes. I have been so fortunate to have not experienced suicidal ideation in several years (moving out of my mom’s house and actively avoiding romantic relationships, which tend to not work out well for me, has been a HUGE help), but I attempted suicide twice in the past, and both times this was the sort of thing that was running through my head. People who are suicidal are not thinking “ha ha ha, everyone will feel really bad when I’m dead and then they’ll be sorry” unless they are age 16 or younger. I, at least, was thinking something much more along the lines of “it’ll be better for everyone when I’m gone, anyway. I’m just a waste of space and people only put up with me because they feel obligated, not because they actually like me. No one could like a fuck-up as big as I am. At least when I’m gone they can spend their time with friends who are actually worth their time and aren’t such obnoxious bitchy crybaby drama queens like me.”
@ Syph, obviously, I can’t put thoughts in your brother’s head, but I’d put dollars to donuts that it’s more likely he was thinking something like “I’m such a crappy father and person that my kids will be better off without me” than considering how badly their father’s suicide attempt might mess them up. A person who is seriously depressed genuinely does not see themselves as a valuable person who enriches the lives of the people around them, they see themselves as a mistake who drags everyone else around them down. Even when that’s virtually never actually the case, the depression makes it impossible for them to see and really acknowledge the good they bring into people’s lives, only the (massively over-exaggerated) bad.
Depression is absolutely a self-centred affliction. That’s not the same thing as “selfish.”
Er, I should probably say “age 16 or younger and being melodramatic,” or something, since serious depression DOES exist in teens and all. I’m just thinking of the stereotypical “man, I should totally try to kill myself and THEN that girl will be sorry she didn’t want to go to the prom with me” mentality.
@Concerned Having a parent who has been checked into the hospital with both mania and depression (yup, bipolar), dealing with mental illness is difficult (fortunately suicide was not part of the depression). I don’t know what sort of parents your friend has, but I think letting them know that they son may be in trouble is not crossing any boundaries. They may or may not know. If they don’t know, they should know. You don’t have to call them up all hysterical, but you should lay it out as factual as possible and urge them to visit their son in person so they can see what’s going on (he may be able to mask it over the phone). Have them call the friend that was there (or encourage her to make the call instead if she’s willing). Does this suck? Yes. Do you not want to do it? Yes. Will his parents maybe not believe you? Could be. Will you regret at least making the effort? No.
Are there any clergy in the picture? A parish nurse? Coworker/boss? Sisters or brothers? I know these people may not want to get elbow deep, but he may need someone to show up and drive him to a hospital and get checked in. That’s blunt, I know, but he may be in such a state.
My father committed suicide when I was 10.
He was horribly depressed and in treatment for it. The treatment didn’t work. He was killed by an illness that used his own actions to win the war and destroy him. He was not at fault — unlike many other people, he had been trying to be cured for years, doing everything that medicine and psychiatry could offer him. From where he was, he did what he had to do when living with the pain defeated him. I know he fought a good fight, and I know he loved me.
I also know what it was like to lose a father to a disease that caused him to act without regard for anyone else’s needs, for his responsibilities as a parent to do everything he could to see his children to adulthood, for all the people who loved him and suffered horribly when he died.
It’s a disease that creates selfishness. I have had years of therapy to recover from having lost a parent to suicide. Children are very good at figuring out how whatever happens is their fault, and it took me years to understand that people who told me that it was a disease and had nothing to do with me were, you know, actually telling the truth.
The disease creates monstrous selfishness and horrific pain. And there is more than enough anguish in these situations without casting blame. We can all use compassion when depression wins.
Let’s wend our way back to the actual topic, if we can, please: whether/how to help B.
For anyone who is unsure how to act in a situation where there is suicidal ideation going on (whether it’s you or someone you know), a call to a local suicide hotline may help. Either call one of the national ones or choose a local one in the area where the person in trouble is located. They will be able to help you assess the situation and advise you about what to do.
Laws vary a great deal from place to place. For instance, in some states, it is extremely difficult to involuntarily put someone into in-patient care. In other states such as the one where I live), a trained police officer who is certified to make such determinations can involuntarily commit someone for 72 hours. Because the legal situation and the treatment options available will vary by locale, getting good advice about who can help is often well worth doing.
In general, the people answering the phones at suicide lines are trained to help you, whoever you are. It’s useful to write down all the information you know before you call, especially if you are calling about another person. You don’t want to forget something that may turn out to be important.
I hear you, Sars. Yes, the writer should help B but I do say that the level of help has to be within reason and evaluated often. Because the writer cannot fix B. I think these posts about how to deal with suicidal people, while they have gone on, do I hope create a context for the writer. The person who is entangles herself deeply with a suicidal person can find herself in serious emotional trouble through prolonged exposure. They are self-centered and can be very manipulative. That’s the nature of the beast. Keep some emotional distance and do not feel responsible in any way for the illness. I would say that the writer has an obligation arising from their relationship to get in touch with B’s family if at all possible, to get information to B on suicide hotlines, and to get B a contact at B’s local branch of church/synagogue/mosque, if B is or was ever so inclined. And I do think the writer has the obligation to be there when/if B calls or otherwise reaches out.
I’m Thing from the wedding etiquette letter. Thanks, everyone, for the insight. I didn’t put all of the details in my question because I didn’t want to be ridiculously verbose. I did want to clarify that (a) Bob does know about my scholarship, because he alluded to it in a group conversation a few weeks ago; (b) I did try to go tell him about it, but he told me he was too busy to chat at all; and (c) I am not close with these people anymore because, as I said in my letter, I do want to avoid work drama and have written these people off. I thought I made that clear in my message. There really is not much more to the situation than that, as far as I’m concerned, despite what some commenters have implied. I just didn’t know how to resolve the fact that I don’t want to be friends with them anymore with the fact that I had committed to having them spend money for me to attend. Sorry, everybody, if I wasn’t clear. Everyone will be glad to know that I am going to go and be fun. I certainly will not attend resentfully, as was suggested, since (as I said) I am authentically happy for them. Good thoughts, everyone!
I hate to go against Sars’s wisdom, but I would definitely recommend that RSVP NOT just “not show up” to the wedding. If you decide to sit it out, give them a warning at least. Besides being bad manners, just not showing would give them another reason to badmouth you, if they indeed are doing that. But honestly, to me it sounds like you’re the one being childish. Okay, so he didn’t congratulate you. It’s really not THAT BIG OF A DEAL. (His not congratulating you, that is. The scholarship is a damn big deal, and way to go on that!) So whatever the real drama is, if you can make it through the evening at no real expense to yourself, suck it up and go. Yeah, it’s not going to be the most fun you could have with your clothes on. Have some drinks, stay for cake and leave early, citing needing to get up early. If you REALLY don’t want to do it, come up with a good excuse and apologize like whoa. Sometimes it’s worth it to keep things from getting worse in the long run.
Concerned – as someone who tries really, really hard to get rid of this depression and can’t seem to shake it, and seems like an asshole much of the time for it (I used to be nice, I swear)…I suspect that B appreciates, and will continue to appreciate, your help far more than he says. I have sent a LOT of “I know that particular incident was hard to deal with, thanks for toughing it out” cards in my day. (And I have to say that no, suicide is not “selfish.” When you’re in that mindset, it truly seems like you’re doing the best for everyone around you. I find it hard to believe that anyone who’s genuinely been there thinks that you do it because you just don’t care who you hurt.) So, yeah, I know it can seem like a sucking black hole of “Why bother?” at times. Your buddy B is still in there. You’re not inconveniencing yourself for this strange new person who you really don’t like that much – you’re doing it for your friend. Good luck!
“I hate to go against Sars’s wisdom, but I would definitely recommend that RSVP NOT just “not show up” to the wedding.”
I’m pretty sure I explicitly told her that I DIDN’T recommend that. You’re free to go against my wisdom as long as it’s cited correctly.
LJ, your advice to call a suicide hotline is right on the money. I highly recommend Diane Ackerman’s A Slender Thread, a book she wrote about being a phone crisis couselor. The most important thing she emphasizes is that you do not have to be suicidal to use the service. Plenty of people call because loved ones are on the edge: crying, cutting, drinking, threatening suicide, you name it. You don’t have to be the one with the direct problem. You are also allowed to call as many times as you need to.
B sounds like he’s at a crisis point and I would definitely call his parents first and buy the book second, but it’s beautifully written and well worth it.
@ Tefnut:
I know just how you feel. I lost a friend to suicide 15 years ago. I used to fantasize that he would come back to life and show up at my door so I could beat him up and then shoot him dead in the face. I finally realized *this year* that I’m not angry with him anymore, but it took well over a decade. I think now that the anger was protective– I think it helped me through the worst of my grief– and I am grateful for it.
Good luck to you, and I am so sorry about your brother.
(Sorry, I know this is off topic but I couldn’t figure out another way to reach out.)
Just an FYI re: per person costs of weddings. Final headcount isn’t typically due to venues/caterers until 3 business days before an event (read: Wednesday for a Saturday wedding). There isn’t a stone roster somewhere that starts recording responses the moment they trickle in; it’s absolutely possible to change your response a few weeks out and avoid any costs incurred on your behalf by the wedding financiers. Obviously, that doesn’t mean it’s fine to treat a positive response as highly fungible, but unless you are in spitting distance of the actual event, you aren’t going to cost them anything they wouldn’t otherwise be spending.
@The One but Not the One: I’ve been in your position and seeing the ‘harsh light of day’ in terms of this guys actions is required for you to move on. Sars is spot on with her advice. You didn’t do anything for it to fail-it just did. Because he wasn’t The One. If he was, the complications wouldn’t have been complicated, you both would have worked through them. In terms of his ‘swansong’ dinner, it sounded as though his conversation with you was a combination of his own fantasy about himself and love, as well as stroking his ego when seeing your reaction to what he was saying. Great men don’t talk to women about ‘being the one’ unless there is going to be some follow through. Cut the cord and free up space in your heart to let the Real One come along.
@Concerned: I’m really sorry that you are having to go through this. You are in a very difficult position. Your instincts to involve family and a properly qualified health professional to help with what seems to be a serious case of clinical depression are right on the money. Many others here have highlighted all the trappings of clinical depression so I won’t go over them. I will say that good boundaries are important when dealing with B, you can’t be the reason why he decides to pull through-he needs to do that for himself. But you can be supportive with regular phonecalls, visits (if it is possible). The hard slog is up to him and a healthcare professional. You aren’t qualified to treat this illness and I’m sure that in the longterm he will feel the love and care you and your husband have for him by involving others who can really help him.
@RSVP: Maybe I’ve read your letter a little differently than to some others that have responded but I didn’t get anything from it other than these people you were initially friends with at work are no longer people you are friends with (for whatever reasons. I get the impression the feeling is mutual) I didn’t get any drama out of it and I sensed that a considerable period of time had passed between the ‘friends’ and ‘we aren’t friends’ stage. I did sense you brought up your graduate school thing because you were looking for a decent excuse to go to something you really don’t want to go too, even though you hare RSVP-ed. As many have pointed out here, it really isn’t a good reason. It really is now a case of what is easier for you in the long run-is it easier to go and leave as early as politely possible, or is it better to say something unavoidable (family crisis etc) has cropped up and recind your RSVP. So long as you aren’t broadcasting that you are making up a reason not to go, or that anyone has another way of finding out you’ve made up a reason to back out, I don’t see there is any problem with that. It’s just which avenue consumes more energy for you. I think this is one of those things you have to chalk up to life experience-at least you won’t be RSVP-ing to weddings/parties of people you don’t get on with in the future!
Sorry @RSVP, I left out an important word “…you were looking for a decent excuse for NOT go to something your really don’t want to go too,..”
D’oh!
@Thing: Now the conundrum is that if you decide not to go is it because (or will it be seen as) pouting about the lack of congrats? Also, I just want to throw another possible idea out there and ask if maybe since the friendship has disinigrated and you have written them off – they might actually be regretting having invited you in the first place.
Why not just address the issue head on with Bob and ask?
This is moot, as weddings shall be attended and fun shall be had, but I can add as a recentish bride that if anyone had cancelled even two days before the wedding, I would have been not-so-secretly delighted. We had a pretty tight headcount and there were several people we wish we could have invited to the reception but just couldn’t. And that’s why we had an afternoon tea after the ceremony for anyone who wanted to show up!
Thing: I do think you’ve made the correct decision to go to the wedding. Primarily because you said you would – but secondarily, because you still work with these people. I do realize that it is not a comfortable situation for you – and that the problem with Bob is NOT just that “he didn’t congratulate me!” – but that he’s talking smack about you to a group of people who are no longer your friends, who will ALSO be at the wedding – with whom you also work. I get the impression that there’s really no one coming to this shindig you will want to spend time with. For all the people who are saying, “So he didn’t congratulate you! No big deal!” – I think the subtext here is that these people are no longer Thing’s friends, and Thing doesn’t really know why. Well congratulations on winning the scholarship, because I think that’s pretty excellent. Look forward to school, and to finding a new social circle. And for what it’s worth – if you’re working at the same place while you’re in school, don’t share anything personal with anyone at work.
Not the One: I hope that you take Sars’s advice and give yourself at least three months of zero contact with this guy. Sars is right; he is not the One for you, and you are not the One for him.
I had a similar relationship and breakup last year. I was the one who was moving away, and he knew this from the outset of the relationship, but as the relationship progressed he told me that he loved me so much that he would come with me anywhere. But in the weeks leading up to my departure date, it was clear that despite his words, he was not actually going to come with me. He wasn’t packing anything; his apartment looked the same as it always did; there was no evidence that he was taking any of the normal steps a person would take to prepare to move.
We ended up breaking up right before I left for other, more hurtful reasons, but I moved away. Except for two lapses in the first two weeks, I hewed to Sars’s excellent advice of zero contact. It was very hard, and I was hung up on him for a long time, but it’s been nine months now and I feel healed. The long distance helps a lot, even though it kills you at first. You will feel healed, too, eventually.
Like your guy, my guy said all the right things to me, and I fell for him hard. But when push came to shove, he didn’t act on any of the things he said. With the benefit of time and distance, I know now that he was not the One, even though he sounded like it.
I hope that you’ll give yourself time away from your guy, and the geographical distance will eventually translate into mental and emotional distance. You don’t have to jump back into dating right away while your feelings for him are still strong, but cutting off contact with him will allow your feelings for him to subside. It may take some time, but eventually you’ll be able to move on with your life.
Sorry about that, Sars. I went through and read that response twice…how I managed to misread it twice is beyond me.
@concerned: I’m going to jump on the bandwagon of saying you need to do something for your friend. On Christmas Eve last year, a friend of mine threatened suicide and I advised local friends to go and make sure she was alive and tracked down the crisis hotline number so I could put her in touch with a therapist even though I smelled a lot of bullshit on the attempt (which doesn’t seem to be the case with B) because it’s always better to be pissed off than sorry.
With regard to the lack of congratulations on the scholarship… I think that when you’re an adult you have to realize that other people’s lives revolve around themselves, not you. It’s like another commenter noted, “got a scholarship” is not on the list of mandatory congratulations events, so if that *is* the thing that caused the rift between you and Bob, then you might want to consider letting it go. You didn’t tell him directly, he didn’t congratulate you. You’re evensies.
The same goes for the commenter whose fiance isn’t inviting a close friend to the wedding because he failed to congratulate you on the engagement. You congratulate someone on the wedding, you don’t have to reify with praise every step of other people’s relationships. It’s like a good friend of mine said, “Straight people are so needy– you want to have a party for the planning and a party for the event, a ring for the planning and a ring for the event…”
@Thing: I’m gonna back up Sars and the rest who suggested you not just “not show up”. But whether or not to send off an email or something saying that, oh, sorry – you can’t make it any more? Well, that’s a bit harder for me to gauge, since Thing doesn’t seem to mention when, exactly, the wedding is taking place.
But just as a precaution? I’d say to pull up your big girl panties and go to the wedding. By this point, pulling out would not only screw with their head count, but you’d probably be screwing with their catering arrangements (and if they had to order something special for you, due to dietary concerns? Yeah, they’ll kill you for skipping out).
To Not the One:
I’ve been trying to figure out why my knot of fixation on a dude that didn’t happen hasn’t dissolved. I think part of the resistance comes out of an irrational idea I have about ‘the bargain’. In my case, I had to be a good sport and follow some conventions in the early stages (which your talk of early discretion and then upfront discussion of your dream reminded me of).
Then the relationship didn’t happen, and I think a childish side of me still thinks “but I did it right, followed the rules and didn’t get the reward!” I haven’t entirely let go, because there is still the (not-actually-real) unfulfilled bargain with the universe that if I behave well, I get the guy. After all, I earned him by being so good.
Don’t know if this also applies for you. Perhaps it will give you another idea for something you can release. Hope it happens fast, for all of us who get stuck.