The Vine: April 22, 2015
I have a good friend (former college roommate) who I have known for about 17 years or so. She lives about 20 minutes from me in the same city.
However, occasionally she feels the need to housesit for extra cash for some of her work friends (also in town) who have a zoo’s worth of animals. It’s usually for about 7-10 days at a time. That’s great and all, but it means that she will then need a pro bono (in her opinion) catsitter for HER cat in those cases. I don’t entirely get it because conceivably she should be able to drive back and forth but won’t. I care about her and her cat, but I am tired of being the only one who can ever do it. Her other friends have proven too untrustworthy to check on said cat, or they just live far away and tell her they’d rather not. Also, she only has someone come every other day, and I just feel bad for the cat. She’s a nice lovely cat, and she clearly wants to hang out whenever I come to check on her. (I definitely stay a while when I can.)
I feel like if I say I can’t one time then she’ll just ask me again when I’d rather not be asked every single time. How do I say this? I don’t always feel like doing it just because I happen to be free most of the time, but I’m also annoyed that she acts like she can leave her house for extended periods (in town!) whenever she wants when she definitely has a cat to take into consideration. I’m happy to do it once in a while, but it’s been every time recently. I can’t very well say that in a whole 7-10 day period I can’t do it at all unless I’m out of town! She will watch my cats when we go on vacation (maybe once a year for a few days) so there’s a little back and forth.
I feel like she needs to learn that she should pay someone to catsit instead of relying on friends who have lives or just not house-sit as much. Is there a good way to phrase that also? This particular friend can be moody/touchy at times. Just because I am available doesn’t mean I want to do it.
Thanks to you and the Nation!
I Feel Like I’m Too Nice
Dear Too,
“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to this time.” Don’t get ahead of yourself with what she might assume about the next time she asks, which 1) you can’t control and 2) you’re welcome to decline again, or not. Don’t get into trying to correct her behavior, which: see #s 1 and 2 above. I agree that she’s being presumptuous and the pet-sitting Peter to…pet-sit Paul? Okay, that doesn’t work, but: it’s absurd that she can’t cat-sit her own cat across town once a day. Lazy, as well, but she does it because she can. It’s not your job to “teach” her anything about that — but to date, you have, in a way, namely that she can ask an unreasonable favor and you’ll do it.
The only phrasing you need is “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to this time.” You don’t need a “good” reason; “I don’t feel like it” is plenty of reason. Don’t explain. Don’t make anything up. Have a pet-sitting service name ready to drop on her if she starts whining about the “problem,” but the only “problem” here is that she wants a service she doesn’t need provided for free, and again, if you want to do it and it’s not a hassle, hey, go for it. But if you don’t, you have to say no, and you have to feel okay about her maybe getting a little bent out of shape, because she’s not in the right, and she’ll get over it. Or…she won’t, and you’re out a “friend” who’s an unreasonable mooch.
We all train people how to treat us, and it can get uncomfortable when the workout regimen changes; you’re not required to enjoy saying no. But everyone has That Friend, the “borrows the car, last-minute, to ‘run errands,’ which means going to Philly, and doesn’t gas it up” friend, the “hears about your summer rental and assumes he’s invited to drop in for a couple days” friend. Generally, it’s cluelessness and not an attempt to get over on the world — but it doesn’t mean we have to deal with it. “I’m sorry, the car’s not available.” “I’m sorry, we won’t be able to get together then.” “I’m sorry, I can’t cat-sit this time.” Again: no explanation, no negotiation. Don’t act like you’re the one petitioning for a favor. Don’t offer an alternative. You will get used to doing the regretful head-tilt and the rephrasing of “it’s none of your biz what else I have to do,” trust me, if only because the results are so very worth it.
But here’s the key: don’t focus on what she “needs to learn.” This is about you “needing” not to do things you don’t want to do.
Tags: cats friendships
And if it means she refuses to watch your cats once a year any more….even if you end up paying a service, I still think you’ve come out ahead if you stop doing her this favor on this much more frequent basis.
No is a complete sentence. Learn it, live it, love it.
Maybe I’m missing something about cats, or about some Petsitters’ Code, but why can’t the friend bring her own cat when she is sitting? If they already have a zoo’s worth, what is one more?
As usual Sars is dead on. If you absolutely feel the need to add to “I’m Unavailable” and say, “I’m slammed this week, I just can’t add another thing” go with that. You don’t need to itemize what slammed means, it can mean “Gilmore Girls marathon in my jammies” and it is none of her business if it does mean that. It’s tough, and you’ll feel guilty the first time you say it and might even worry about kitty, but kitty will be fine.
Not clear on how often this is, but asking someone to drive forty minutes & spend time with their cat IS a big request. It’s not like you are next door neighbours. For a 10 day period, that’s nearly three and a half hours of driving, forget the time required to check on cat.
If she was out of town that would still be a big request that I would only say yes to if I really enjoyed doing it (not just out of guilt, which I find usually not a good reason to do anything).
But she’s not actually out of town, just not at her own house, if I understood correctly. She’s clearly not going to leave the cat unattended for the full time if you say no. Not your cat, not your choice to housesit, not clear why you are making it your problem, but if a longstanding friend who isn’t willing to make the drive for her own animal terminates your friendship over drawing a very reasonable boundary, then I’d say not a friend in the first place!
I’m going to my grandma’s 98th birthday party next month and my husband is not coming with me because we can’t afford boarding and asking somebody to watch our cats is a full time job. They’d have to stay here, feed them three times a day, etc. and it’s too much to ask.
Her pet, her responsibility.
I agree with Sars and the Nation entirely, and only wanted to jump in on Erin W’s question, “Why doesn’t Friend bring the cat to the Zoo house?”
Short story, cats don’t travel well. Unlike dogs, who for the most part love a car ride and a visit to the dog park, cats don’t tend to do well outside of their space, particularly when said space is the territory of other beasties.
It’s possible that one of the Zoo house animals would attack the cat, or that the cat would run and hide, refuse to eat, pee/poop outside of the litter box, etc. It would really be hard on the kitty to be thrown into that situation.
That said, this doesn’t justify how the friend is taking advantage of the letter writer. Too Nice should say no, and the friend should either arrange for another pet sitter or drive across town to take care of her own cat.
I agree that the OP should just say no, but I have a tactical question for Sars and the Nation. How do you avoid giving an explanation if people ask for one? If you’re trying to set boundaries with people who have already demonstrated they have none, a simple “The car is not available then” or “that’s not going to work for me” isn’t going to cut it. When I’ve tried this, I get a million follow-up questions: “Why isn’t the car available? Are you going out of town? Is it broken? Oh, so you just don’t want to lend me your car?” I admire the method in theory but I find that it doesn’t work very well in practice, particularly with the pushy people you need to use it on!
I just…don’t answer the questions. I’m not saying it’s easy, mind you. It took me years to get to that Jedi place where I can just be silent/change the subject. But it’s about getting out of the mindset where you’re, like, on trial for not wanting to do something for someone else that’s a pain in the ass.
If, like most people, you’re negotiating most of this stuff via text, it’s way easier. You can plan your responses. In-person it’s harder. It’s just something you have to practice, IME.
@Erin: Just keep repeating the same line with only slight variations. “I’m sorry, that’s not possible.” “I’m afraid that just can’t work.” Do NOT get into specifics or give direct answers, that’s exactly what the person wants, so they can find a way around all your restrictions and override you. Stick to the general “it’s just not possible.” Note that that doesn’t mean Entitled McPushyPants won’t get huffy and pissed off, but it will teach them you aren’t budging and they should give up (and move on to someone else they can push around). And-if someone truly just won’t take the hint, after like 3 polite refusals, I bust out something like, “I’m sorry, but I’ve said no politely enough times. Please stop asking.”
Em,
In the past, I have had trouble saying no to pushy people, and I had to cultivate this skill. I find that giving a vague answer to the follow-up question, followed by raised eyebrows (when the inevitable follow-up to the follow-up happens) works pretty well.
Pushy Person (PP): (heh, pee pee) Can I borrow your car for X dates?
Lisa: I’m sorry, you can’t.
PP: Why?
Lisa: The car isn’t available then [super vague, but you don’t need to say why it isn’t.]
PP: Why? Couldn’t I just have it for Y days?
Lisa: no, I’m sorry. [Raises eyebrows to indicate: “are you done yet?”]
If you wanted to include something like: “I need to have the car available for various vague eventualities that might crop up”, you could.
Additionally, I remember SARS saying that you can just keep repeating variants of “no, I’m sorry” until they realize that they aren’t going to be able to steamroll you into giving them what they want. This has worked well for me in faculty meetings.
@Em – I agree with Sars on this: just don’t answer the questions. Someone who pushes on the details is trying to trip you up, catch you on your excuses, and guilt you into doing what they wanted in the first place: “OMG, you lied to me? HOW COULD YOU? But to make it up to me, you could…”
Witness cross-examination is less fraught than that kind of convo; get out of it fast & do a version “I plead the fifth.”
Agree 100% with Sars. YOU are not the supplicant, here, and nobody gets to turn you into one except you. No need to explain, no need to justify; if Mrs. Noah there doesn’t appreciate an oblique “No”, she can spring for her own wheels. Boat. Whatever. It’s on her.
Em, a trick I use to nip the follow-up questions is my tone on first answering the request. I like to use an amused tone that suggests the question is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard, and that the word ‘no’ I utter is the most reasonable response to a silly question, if not the only reasonable response. Pretend they’ve just asked you to board a one-way rocket to Mars. It helps to smile and hold the smile for a beat before speaking. “[grin] No, sorry, no can do.” Or, “Nope! Wish you luck!” “No, but have fun storming the castle!” And then leave it there. Follow-ups get a raised eyebrow and a ‘are you kidding me here?’ smile. If they keep up, then advance to the indulgent pat on their hand. “There, there. I’m sure you’ll think of something.”
Put the awkward back where it belongs, on the supplicant.
Thank you for everyone who asked about and/or responded to the, “But what if they ask WHY when I say no?” dilemma. That’s a problem I’ve had when saying no to people. I get the follow-up questions and I never know how to handle it. If I tell them the truth (“Because I’m tired of you taking advantage of me”) they’ll get butt hurt; if I act vague I get the, “Why can’t you tell me, I thought we were friends” response which is a total guilt trip; and if I lie, well, that’s not good for anyone. I think I may have one of these situations on the horizon (friend has taken advantage, I’m ready to start saying NO), so I’m going to utilize the advice here and see how it turns out…
On another site that I frequent, they often say that you shouldn’t ever “J.A.D.E.” in response to a request. That stands for “justify, apologize, defend, or explain.” “No” really is a complete sentence!
So the weirdest thing happened not long after I sent this letter. I really appreciate the great responses in addition to SARS great advice, by the way! It turns out she had to housesit again and didn’t even ask me to cat-sit. She had a neighbor do it (makes much more sense but no word on whether it was free or not). I’m relieved it worked out, and I will visit kitty one day if she has to leave town for a weekend or something. If a big request comes up again, I at least now have good responses!