The Vine: April 23, 2001
Dear Sars,
Yesterday, I attended the Red Sox/Yankees game with someone I had never met before, but with whom I had had some previous email conversations. So as you could imagine, we spent a good deal of time during the game making conversation, getting to know each other, yada yada yada. A good deal of it was about baseball, and included some good natured jibing concerning the other teams’ players, calling their best players “scrubs” et al., as we were fans of the opposing teams, she a Yankees fan, I a Red Sox fan. It was fun.
So at one point during the game, a gentleman sitting in front of us (though I fret at the use of the word “gentleman”) turns to me and says, “Can I ask you something?” Now, the gentleman was sitting with what appeared to be his very young daughter. So I automatically assumed that he was going to ask me about my use of language. When at a baseball game, emotions and team loyalty can sometimes get the best of you, and a verbal epithet can sometimes be hurled. I’m human (though I did think my usage of foul language was extremely minimal). So I reply to him, “Is it my language? I’m sorry.” To which he then responded, “No, it’s not your language. Your language is fine. I was just wondering if you would stop talking?” Huh? “Excuse me?” “I would really appreciate it if you would just stop talking.” My jaw dropped and hit the ground. I sat there silent for a good two or three minutes in shock, thinking, “What an asshole!” Apparently, he must not have liked the fact that I was a fan of the opposing team, but where the hell does he get the nerve? As it turns out, I did keep my conversation down to a minimum after that, for I was still in a state of total shock for the rest of the game.
What should I have done in this situation? Should I have chosen to ignore him? Should I have told him about my First Amendment rights and basically told him to piss off? I didn’t want to start an argument, for being a Red Sox fan in Yankee territory is dangerous enough in itself. But I’m still not sure if the actions I took yesterday were the right ones. Can ya help me here?
Signed,
Manny Ramirez, a.k.a. “Scrub”
Dear Manny,
Booooooooooo. (Scrub!)
Just kidding. I never know how to handle situations like that either. On the one hand, I’m so taken aback that I wind up shutting up — or doing whatever the asshole asked of me — reflexively. On the other hand, I want to defy the guy just to be contrary.
Here’s my take on it. It’s a Yankees game, not a law library. I could almost understand if you let loose with a little “fucking put Trot Nixon in already for fuck’s sake” and he didn’t want his kid to hear that, but…it’s, you know, a Yankees game. The fans work blue. You don’t want your kid to hear that, watch the game on TV at home. Unless you screamed at him and the kid, he’s got nothing. He didn’t buy a better ticket than you did.
Next time, apologize for bothering him, and then proceed as you had. He wants to make a big deal out of it, he can pull an usher up there, and the usher will do nothing because there’s fights breaking out three sections over, and then the guy can simmer in it.
And for the record, I know the girl you went to the game with, and she has a way worse mouth — and ran it off way more — than you did, so if he’s got a bug in his ass because you had a Red Sox hat on, that’s his little issue to deal with.
I love your site so much! Although I’m pretty sure I’ve emailed you that before.
I just wanted to comment on Jeanne’s letter of 11 April — the one about her friend with the supposedly perfect life, who insists on being a miserable bint whenever she’s asked how she is. Jeanne should remember that her friend’s life probably isn’t as rosy as she perceives it to be, and despite outward appearances, people can get down. I speak from experience as somebody who has a great life going on according to anybody’s standards, but feels extremely sad a lot of the time, for no apparent reason.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is this: Jeanne would be cutting her friend some slack if she realised that people feel happy or unhappy regardless of their car, apartment or job. It’s a self-esteem thing, and it may be that her friend is just lacking in this area.
Cheers,
Miserable Bint
Dear Bint,
Thanks! And I agree with you; I’d considered addressing that in my response, because often when I’ve had panic attacks, I’d think to myself, “Damn, what’s my problem, I have a good life and some people have real problems.” But I felt like that would stray too far from what Jeanne had really asked me.
So let me amend my answer to this: if Jeanne’s friend persists in complaining all the time, Jeanne might gently suggest counseling. There’s no telling what makes people unhappy sometimes, and maybe Jeanne’s friend needs to talk to a professional about why she’s constantly down on things.
Hi Sarah,
I’ve been in the situation Eggshells describes — both from the POV of a witness to bad behaviour (my father-in-law can be a boor) and from the POV of the server taking care of the “hell table.” Eggs is right, her friend Cindy was certainly discussed by the staff as a contender for Asshole Of The Day. I hope it makes her feel better to know that people who work in the service industry are clued in to people like that, and I’m sure that it was obvious to everyone that Cindy was the asshole — not anyone else.
I agree with you, Sars, that there isn’t a need for Eggshells to apologize as she is in no way accountable for the bad behaviour of the person she was with. I don’t agree that her urge to say something to the staff is pathetic, though, unless, as you said, that she uses that as a weak substitute for talking to Cindy (holy moly look at all the commas in that sentence!). I think it’s a kind gesture to say something the victim in a situation like this. Not that she should take responsibility for Cindy’s behaviour in any way, or try excuse it, but something like, “I know my father-in-law was really awful to you and screamed to the manager that he would never be seen in this joint again, but I just want you to know that the rest of us loved the artichoke dip and we know that it’s not your fault the power went out.” An acknowledgement as opposed to an apology. I know I appreciated comments like that from customers, even when I’d already written off the asshole in my own mind. Small acts of kindness never hurt.
Cheers,
Tomatophile
Dear Tomatophile,
I pretty much meant her urge to apologize for Cindy instead of talking to Cindy, not the urge itself. As someone who has frequently stepped in and said, “It’s okay, we’re taking him home now, so sorry, here’s twenty bucks for the broken glass, we’re so sorry, our apologies, please don’t call the cops” — or, you know, something similar — I know what you mean. But she needs to talk to Cindy, not keep apologizing to “the help” after the fact everywhere she and Cindy go.
Tags: etiquette friendships
