The Vine: April 24, 2003
Hi Sars —
Could you pass this on to Rodent? I work in animal rescue, and our
organization is affiliated with the Baraboo Guinea Pig Rescue. She has a
list of links to medical information and is easily has the most knowledge
about cavies among any people I know. Here’s a link to her links:
http://webpages.charter.net/ladyveg/links.htm
Eden
Hi Sars,
I have an answer for your guinea pig writer from The Vine.
I currently work as a medical researcher doing HIV research. However, while I was still in college, I worked as a vet tech for about five years. I’ve also owned several guinea pigs in my day and can attest to their high cuteness factor. One of mine died in my arms just like the writer’s did. It was tough.
One thing I’d like to stress is that there are many qualified veterinarians who treat exotic pets. The writer should call around in her area to find one.
The writer could also look into purchasing a text entitled Ferrets, Rabbits and Rodents: Clinical Medicine and Surgery by Elizabeth V. Hillyer and Katherine Quesenberry and edited by Sandra Valkoff. I personally own this text, and while it may be a little too technical for the layperson, it is still an excellent source of information about guinea pigs. It covers a range of topics, including husbandry, housing and disease. Barnes and Noble online has it here.
There are also some very knowledgable people on a message board I occasionally frequent. They are all pet owners and have proven to be on target with their advice to others in the past. You can find them here, under the “Critters” section.
Best of luck to “Seriously Attached To A Rodent”!
Lori
Hi Sars,
I work for Fancy Publications — publisher of Dog Fancy, Cat Fancy, Horse Illustrated, et cetera. You may want to send the guinea pig concerned owner to www.animalnetwork.com/critters for more information on caring for her guinea pig. There is expert advice, as well as a community where she could ask questions of other guinea owners. We also publish an annual magazine, Critters USA, which contains info on guineas and other small mammals.
Even the smallest pets are pets. I applaud her for her level of committment to her furry friend.
Kate Weaver
Sars,
I have this problem, or, well, problems. Well, I am 20 now, but I first noticed this starting my freshman year of high school, and I have been too embarrassed to tell or ask anyone about it. I lie a lot, and it’s not that I am a morally corrupt individual, although I have been in the past; it’s just something I do. I lie about everything, almost. It takes a real effort for me to tell the truth about anything, and this ranges from an exaggerated story about my weekend to just an outright lie that never happened. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not everything, but enough that I see it’s a problem, and I know people see right through me. It really bothers me, and I am kept up at night cursing myself about it to the point I can’t sleep. I am constantly embarrassed about my actions, and I feel like I am not able to go into public because of it.
It gets worse — sometimes I drink and I do things that really embarrass me. I am always feeling guilty like I did something wrong. It brings this feeling of weird bubbly butterflies through my stomach up into my chest. I have been getting better about the lying when I began dating my current boyfriend, but I recently have picked it up again. Also, I get this weird feeling a lot; I call it the “I was molested as a child” feeling, because I really can’t place what else it feels like, and I have had this for as long as I can remember, just at odd times — like getting out of a car, and sometimes when I am intimate with my boyfriend. It has gotten to the point that we can’t even really be intimate because I am afraid to have sex with him, and this fear is what makes me yell at him when he tries to touch me sometimes, and I am so ashamed that I do this.
To top it all off, I was raped when I was 18 by my boyfriend at the time, who was very needy and abusive. He wouldn’t exactly hit me, but force his will on me. He made me do things that make me sick to think about now. I have never told anyone about what happened. It has been two years since this happened, but it really bothers me. In fact, last July I got pregnant and I had a miscarriage, and for about a week before the miscarriage I was having horrible nightmares about it and I would wake up sick.
I don’t know who to tell or what to do about all of this; my boyfriend now gets angry with me if I even try to bring it up because when we first started dating, I lied to him about being with him, and he caught me in that lie. I don’t know what to do; my life is getting out of control and I don’t even want to leave my house for fear of myself. I have a fear that if I go to counseling I will just lie to my counselor, or I will tell her about the ex raping me and nobody will believe me, or he will somehow be brought back into my life from it. Is it okay to feel this way? And I would like to know if there is any alternative to counseling that could help me with my problems?
Needs Help
Dear Needs,
You need to go to a counselor. You’ve suffered various emotional traumas, you hate yourself, you feel out of control, and it’s bigger than you can handle by yourself.
Of course it’s “okay” to feel that way — you feel how you feel. It doesn’t make you weak. But you should take steps not to feel that way, because it sucks to feel that way and because it’s preventing you from becoming the happy person you want to be.
Find a counselor or therapist you feel comfortable with. Tell him exactly what you just told me — what you’ve gone through, how you feel, that you’re afraid you’re going to lie to him too. Believe me, he’s heard worse, and in any case, he’s not there to judge you; he’s there to help you. And you do need help, but you seem to realize that, which is an important first step. So, don’t lose hope, and don’t be so hard on yourself.
Although I understand this only works for a stretch, I’ve always been
called an old soul, even since I was a toddler. I’d been mistaken (both in
personality and looks) for eighteen when I was twelve. I just seem older
than I am.
I had plenty of opportunities (especially in elementary school) to jump
grades and receive “gifted” classes. I did some of the latter, none of the
former. There were worries of making new friends and all that — not like I
was making many in the grade I was currently in. I’m in high school now; no biggie, right? Of course not. But, as you might
have guessed, the hormones, they are a-raging.
Let’s call him “T.” That works. He’s a freshman in college right now, and
he’s absolutely everything I could hope for. No, he isn’t gorgeous like in
teen mags, he isn’t “hot,” he’s not in a band (although I think he was at
one point, now that I think on it)…but he’s invariably caring and
hilarious and smart all at once…and he’s nineteen. So young, really, and
yet old enough that it’s a legal issue. It’s not like I have a general
inclination for older men, it’s just that the people my age tend to be
immature and have petty goals, ideas, and conversation. They just know
they’re going to grow up to be football players or famous movie actresses,
et cetera et cetera. T is down-to-earth and mature, and he has the ability to be very
fetching without being drop-dead gorgeous (which I tend to despise. Go
figure). He’d like to grow up to be a professor. Hey, it’s far better than
any “football player.”
He never pressures anything. Ever. I can’t stress how very Non-Pressuring
he is. He has this glorious system of Whatever She Wants, which works
quite well, if I’m asked.
When he stayed interested in me after finding my age, I was both happy and
nervous. My first thought was the paranoid one: why isn’t he dating people
his age? You know, the generic guy that can’t get a girl his age, so he’ll
go for younger ones. Well, he generally dates those in his own age range
(I’m the first young one), and there don’t seem to be any problems with
him. He doesn’t do drugs, and he thinks about more than himself — two things
that you can’t say for any of the boys my age. My friends know about him,
and those that have met him approve of him. I have a fear of informing my
guardians, more for his sake than mine. I mean, I don’t know how many years
you can get for statutory, but it’s certainly enough. He has a clean
record so far. (Not that we’ve gone that far quite yet. I’m still being a
bit cautious, and he, with his infinite compliance and patience, isn’t
complaining at all.)
Thoughts? Suggestions?
Alida
Dear Alida,
What do you want me to say here? You haven’t asked me a question, exactly. Do you want me to tell you that it’s okay to sleep with the guy, even though it’s illegal, because he’s a nice guy and “not like the others”? I mean, I guess it is, as long as you feel ready. It’s okay not to sleep with him, too…if that’s your question.
But I don’t think your letter is really about your relationship with T. It’s about how much you hate everything that T isn’t. You tell me a lot about yourself, actually, that you maybe didn’t intend to. There’s a lot of bitter defensiveness here that has nothing to do with T and everything to do with you skipping a grade, getting stuck with the “gifted” label, not registering with the boys you go to school with, hating the pretty people, that kind of thing, which…okay, sure. Welcome to high school. Still…read over what you’ve written here. It’s not about T. It’s about how much you hate the popular kids. Again, nothing wrong with that per se, but it’s not a good motivation when it comes to starting a sexual relationship.
If you go forward with the T thing, do it because you like him, not because you dislike every other guy you know…and to tell you the truth, I think you need to grow up a bit in terms of not comparing yourself to other people before you start having sex.
Sarah,
I have a somewhat petty problem that even I realize is immature, and I am realizing what it kinda spells out about a relationship, but I will ask anyway, because somehow this has become a very large problem despite the stupidity behind it.
My boyfriend of two years and I are planning to rent a home together. It is a nice home that I went out of my way to find and contact the owner for the lease. I have all along been the one that has pursued and finalized the deal with the house, and I really love this house; it is my dream home.
My boyfriend and I have lived together before in an apartment; we were both on the lease, but somehow he got it into his mind that the place was his alone and all of my belongings ended up in a closet because there was no room for them. “J” is a grown man, eight years my senior (I am 20). I realized he had accumulated furniture and other items through his whole life, and I allowed my belongings to be closeted. After about six months and my being very unhappy with not being treated as an equal in a home that I paid rent and was on the lease for, I moved out. The apartment was obviously too small for my belongings and for us both to live.
Now, I have found a place that I really like; as I said, I pursued it and have finalized the deal with the landlord. All that is left is the paperwork. “J” says that he will not move in unless his name is on the lease, which means that once again if I am unhappy I will be the one forced to move, while he gets the comfort of staying in the home that I worked so hard to get. I am afraid that the same problems will occur if he is on the lease; I feel that he is selfish, and I can’t trust that I will be treated as an equal if we do move back in together. I am afraid that I will be unhappy and that he will be as controlling and manipulative with this home as he was with the last.
I am not sure how to tell someone I love that I do not want to have him on the lease because if anything does happen between us, I want the stability of knowing that I can keep the home. What would you do, Sars?
Sincerely,
Signing the lease
Dear Sign,
You haven’t even moved in yet, and already you’re worried about what happens when one of you has to move out? Girl, please. You did the legwork; it’s your place. If J won’t move in unless he’s on the lease, then J won’t move in. Period.
Tell him so. Tell him why. Better yet, just break up with him now — you yourself describe him as “selfish,” “controlling,” and “manipulative.” It’s pretty clear that the two of you have problems communicating about the issue, and that he thinks he’s going to get his way by blackmailing you emotionally with his threats not to move in — probably because it’s worked before.
Move into the house without him, and let him figure out whether it’s worth it to him not to compromise in any way.
I’ve fancied myself a grammar and language maven for quite some time, but lately I’ve been seeing something that irks me, and I’m hoping you can help me figure out why.
The phrase “deep-seated” has been popping up all over (certainly in NY we’ve been told we’re experiencing “deep-seated” fears of all sorts of things), but I have always believed (perhaps quite wrongly) that it should be “deep-seeded,” only because to me that makes more sense. “Deep-seeded” = deep roots, so to speak. What the heck does “deep-seated” mean?
Any enlightenment would be most welcome.
Thanks,
Robin
Dear Robin,
“Deep-seated” means “situated far below the surface” or “firmly established.” The phrase derives from the definition of “seat” as “a place occupied by something” or “a place from which authority is exercised.”
There is no such phrase as “deep-seeded.”
Tags: cats grammar roommates
