The Vine: April 25, 2006
I am hoping you or your readers can help. I have a fashion dilemma. Recent weight loss has put me into a whole range of previously unfamiliar styles (not available in larger sizes) plus I am dating again after a very long hiatus. So, I am trying to shop and dress for dates at nicer places than the local Starbucks. The fashion directions from various friends are conflicting, as is the help from salesclerks at upscale shops. I have failed to find a “current fashion” site with pictures that could help.
Specific example: When trying to find outfit for first date at the DC Army & Navy Country Club (coat and tie required for men, “equivalent” for women per their web site), fashion guru friend (FGF) from Richmond had me buy the Nine West black lace skirt. I know this is current and popular because I’ve found it at every upscale shop I’ve been in (Talbot’s, Lord & Taylor, Hecht’s, Bloomingdales). FGF says not to pair it with anything glittery in any way but to find a plain sweater top in a pastel color. L&T salesclerk winced at the idea and directed me to tops with some sequin or bead designs at the neck and cuffs. Their only point of agreement is that I must never wear all black or animal prints (guess what’s in my closet).
My two-fold question — what does the current fashion trend say I should wear with that damn skirt? And IS there a web site or two where I can see what the well-dressed woman is supposed to be wearing these days in various settings from casual to semiformal?
Oh, and to complicate the question, I’m allergic to all wool including cashmere and mohair.
Sign me,
Raised by Wolves
Dear Wolf,
Well, without confusing “the current fashion trend” and “Sarah,” I’m with FGF. The skirt is to be the focus of the outfit, so you want to avoid tops that compete with it; glitter and lace is a little mother-of-the-bride for me. A pastel sweater top is good, although it’s reading a bit dowdy when I picture it in my head. Black and white is really in right now, so you might try a puff-sleeved white scoopneck tee with a shrunken jacket, or a very plain fitted white button-down with three-quarter sleeves, or a white cotton or linen wrap top that dresses you up with a little cleavage but isn’t tarty.
As for websites…I don’t really know. I take what I like from what’s “in” and leave the rest, but watching What Not To Wear is always handy (or buy the books by the WNTW UK ladies); Lucky Magazine is great too (note all the trendy stuff, then look for it on eBay in case it goes out again in a year). Or just copy your friends, that’s what I do. If Gen has a cute bracelet on, I ask her where she got it, and I send AB to the MojoWare store to pick me out the newest shirts twice a year.
I think a big part of being “fashionable” is not wearing everything that’s trendy, and just putting on stuff you like — otherwise the outfit wears you instead of the other way around, and it won’t look hip no matter how hot the look is. If you think you look good in all black, wear that, who cares, but until you figure out what your new-size style is, just browse around and try a few different things; get the inexpensive versions at Forever21.com and H&M if you don’t want to invest before you’re sure. And branch out a bit from the chains you mentioned; they have nice classic pieces, but might not be exactly the cutting edge. Head to the area of town that has the independent boutiques and smaller stores and pick up some stuff that not everyone else is going to have.
Sars,
Longtime listener, first-time caller…
I live about an hour from my job, so I was pleased to join a carpool with a couple of guys who also live in my general area. I’ve been riding and driving with them for almost six months now, and they’re basically very good, nice people. We don’t work together closely (or at all, really) so our entire association is the two hours each day when we’re driving to and from work. They’re not my ideal carpool-mates in that they’re a little chattier than I’d prefer to be at 7:00 in the morning, and they seem to have a greater patience for talking about work even when we’ve just spent a whole day there, but these little annoyances aren’t deal-breakers.
The thing is this: they are both very devoutly religious conservative Christians. I am none of those things. In and of itself, no problem. We disagree about a great many things, but we’ve had some very interesting and stimulating conversations about the differences in our religious and political beliefs. One’s a Catholic, one’s an Evangelical Christian; between them they have nine children (and a tenth on the way!), who are home-schooled. They don’t believe in evolution (although I may have made some progress in convincing them). They are opposed to abortion, IVF, and stem-cell research. At least one of them is a die-hard supporter of the president and war in Iraq. They think, politely, that I’m going to hell. This is all fine, though. I think we’ve done an admirable job of talking about difficult things without offending each other too much, and I’d like to practice what I preach when it comes to the value of diversity of opinion and experience.
What has me all twisted up is this: they are, not surprisingly, opposed to gay marriage as well. This one difference of opinion seems to me to be of a slightly different character than the other issues, because I don’t know of any way to think about it other than as bigotry. Do I want to associate with people that I think are bigots, albeit very nice ones? The analogy I’ve been working with is this: if we all lived 50 years ago, would I want to carpool with two guys who didn’t think black people and white people should be allowed to get married? I think I probably wouldn’t, and I’m not sure I think this issue is substantively different. For the sake of my own personal integrity, not to mention out of respect for my gay siblings and friends, is there a morally right thing to do with respect to this carpool?
I can stay in the carpool and keep my mouth shut, stay in the carpool and make a fuss about it, leave the carpool under some other pretense, or leave the carpool and tell them exactly why. What do you think? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I’ve been annoying my wife and friends enough with this, I thought I’d give someone else a turn.
Oh, crap, end of the letter, have to think of a clever signature…
Dear Sig,
I think it depends on what you want to happen. Do you just want to ride to work in peace without having to plant your flag on various issues? Or do you want out of this carpool?
If you want out of the carpool, just call the guys up and tell them pleasantly that you’ll be finding another way to work, thanks for everything, take care. Don’t explain, just bow out.
But if what you want is an end to the discussion of gay marriage as abomination, speak up. “You guys can believe what you want, I guess, although I strongly disagree with you — but those are my friends you’re talking about, so let’s please drop the subject.” I mean, “diversity of opinion” is great, up to a point, but when it’s expressed in a discriminatory way, I think you can stop worrying about appearing rigid or whatever and just ask them to keep certain beliefs to themselves. And if they won’t, well, there you go. You take the train from now on.
What you’re really asking me is if you’re compromising yourself morally by staying in this carpool when their beliefs about gay marriage offend you. I’d wonder the same thing, in your position, but on the other hand, you’re taking a certain pro-conservationist stance by carpooling in the first place, so I guess we could say that it evens out, if you want to look at it that way. Whatever the case, I can’t really decide for you where you put the line with that stuff.
I can tell you that those guys lost me well before you even mentioned the gay marriage thing, and that my tolerance for talking politics before I’m caffeinated is, like, zero, so I’d have left the carpool already for the sake of my blood pressure, but again, that’s me. I’d be carpooling with two gay guys in the first place, probably.
Sars,
I’m trying to make a decision regarding a problem I can see happening in the future. My boyfriend and I have been together, long-distance, while he’s in school and I’m employed full-time 75 miles away for two and a half years! I love him very much, and he will be graduating in December of this year. He’s told me he thinks about marriage, but I’m sure he won’t be ready some time after he graduates so he can get a job and get settled financially (even though he’s almost 30).
I am sure, however, that if he finds a job here in town, he’ll want to live together. It makes sense since I’m planning on buying a house this year and it would help greatly with the bills! That would be just peachy with me, but I know it would seriously be a problem for my parents (since I grew up in a somewhat strict Christian home)! Is there a way I can break it to them if that is the situation in the future?
I realize I’m an adult (age 25), and that I can make my own decisions and live my life, but I really don’t want to hurt them or alienate them since we are a very close family even though I now believe differently than they do. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure my boyfriend to marry me just to please them. That would also make him very unhappy! I guess I could just let him move in and let them find out later, but I doubt that would be the best solution. Even if this doesn’t happen the way I think it will, it would still be nice to have a solution in hand for my own piece of mind.
Wanting to Live in Bliss
Dear Then Do It,
You can continue to let your parents dictate how you live, or you can live your life and let them make their peace with it. These are the choices. Neither of them is terribly attractive to you, but you’ll have to pick one, and you should pick the latter. You’re 25, like you said; your parents do not have to like everything you do, and if they choose to make a big stink about the things you do that they don’t like, you do not have to deal with that if you don’t want to.
I understand that you don’t want to disrupt your family’s closeness, but sometimes that has to happen, and just moving the boyfriend in and letting them find out later is kind of an adolescent solution to the problem. I don’t mean that rudely; it’s just the way adolescents often deal with prospective disapproval or other unpleasantness from their parents, is by…not really dealing at all.
You’re a big girl now, though. If your parents haven’t already twigged to the fact that you aren’t keeping a strict Christian home of your own anymore, they’re going to find out eventually, and then they will have to choose whether to accept that, and accept that you’re your own person, or whether they’re going to treat you like you’re still a child.
The “way you break it to them” is to not take on that child role. You inform them of what’s happening and you let them have their reaction, and you try not to let it affect you as though you still lived under their roof. Be understanding about the fact that it might upset them, of course, but: it isn’t a negotiation. It’s your plan, and they don’t get a vote.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette retail the fam
