The Vine: April 25, 2012
My daughter told me today that she really, really, really does not want to participate in her upcoming high-school graduation ceremony. I think I’m okay with this, but…
On the one hand I am thrilled to not have to sit through a three-to-four-hour ceremony (she goes to a giant high school with something like 650 kids in her class — they hold the ceremony in the arena where our NBA team plays) just to watch her cross the stage for four seconds.
On the other hand there are the grandmas, who likely won’t understand why we would even consider letting her skip this milestone/ritual/tradition. One of the grandmas is my mother, who apparently has a sore spot about graduations; she read Jeffrey Eugenides’s new book and called me in a snit about the way the (fictional) characters treated their (fictional!) parents at their (did I mention this was fictional?) graduation from Brown. Turns out, she was still harboring some anger at me because of how I treated her at my own non-fictional college graduation (24 years ago!) (which was exactly how many college seniors treats their parents at graduation — a little annoyed, a little embarrassed but mostly totally self-absorbed and oblivious). So I will have to deal with that all over again, and I’m not looking forward to it. I assume we will still have some kind of celebration so perhaps that will placate her, but in the meantime there will be much judging.
On the other, other hand, I wonder if I should push back a little and encourage (perhaps make?) my daughter go. Her attitude is a bit hard for me to relate to, because I loved high school and loved graduation — sharing that experience with my classmates and friends for the last time together. She is much more like her father, who didn’t attend any of his graduations, has no regrets and thinks this is the best idea ever. But maybe she will look back in 10 or 20 years and wish she had gone? Or does no one ever do that?
With all these hands and all this obvious overthinking on my part, I’d love to get your take on the situation and have the readers weigh in. Is it as simple as letting the kid do what she wants and standing my ground with my mom? Is there a secret fourth hand I haven’t considered?
Yes, I’ve Noticed That All My Vine Questions Involve My Parents In Some Way
Dear Way,
What I remember of my graduation days is almost exclusively the other dramas going on at the time: the revelation that my boyfriend was cheating on me with three other people, including a classmate (high school); my parents finding out about my possession arrest (college). The prevailing mood in both cases was “OMFG can we just get this shit over with,” and I suspect that it still pertains, even if you don’t have infidelity or misdemeanor drug charges floating around. At that point in the process, the grad mostly wants to get the damn diploma and start her summer job/stop knowing various assholes she’s been billeted with for four years, and even for the proud parents, as you said, it’s four seconds of photo op that somehow eats up an entire day of sweating in dress-up clothes.
But we have rituals for a reason, and it does put a period on a time in one’s life, so it’s not completely worthless — if you find customs valuable in that way, and the thing is, the grandmas do. The fam wants to take the pictures and admire/pick out a frame for the diploma, and come together for the occasion (or just an occasion), and as someone who had to deliver her valedictory address 20 minutes after threatening to kick two other people to death, in a white dress, before it started pouring rain? Yeah, I’d have skipped that shit if it had been an option, but in the end, it was worth doing; I’d gone to the school for 12 years…and my grandmother didn’t get to see my college graduation. It’s not just about Daughter finishing high school. It’s about the rest of the family marking the occasion of her leaving childhood. And about keeping the peace, which as an adult she’s going to have to weigh the costs of, without you buffering it for her.
So, that’s how I’d put it to your daughter. You agree it’s an ass-tear, and she probably won’t be missing anything for herself if she skips the ceremony. But it means a lot to her grandmother(s), so it is still Daughter’s choice — but if she chooses to bail on walking, she is therefore also choosing to explain it to your mother, because you ain’t doing it. Up to her.
Honestly, though, I don’t think there’s a “wrong” here for any of you. You may want to sit your mother down in advance and apologize, separately, for being a dicksmack at your own graduation, just so that’s done with and isn’t getting mixed up with your daughter’s decisions, but other than that, I don’t think any of the choices is going to cause huge regrets in 20 years.
Tags: Donna Martin graduates! etiquette the fam
Just wanted to chime in as another non-regretter here. It’s been 15 years and I’m still glad I didn’t bother. We moved to another state halfway through my senior year, and I went from a small, close-knit school to a 700+ grad class in which I had maybe 6 friends. I humored everyone by going to prom with said 6, but graduation was just not happening for me.
Since then, I’ve walked for my BA and MS at Beloved Big 12 University, skipped the MA ceremony at Regional Satellite School, and am still debating the doctoral hooding at same RSS next year. [I like school apparently.]
There is certainly a case to be made for doing unpleasant things to humor or benefit others, but I just don’t think HS graduations are the hill to die on. It makes me wonder more about the grandmothers’ state of mind than the daughter’s.
@Lulu: your story made me giggle.
I was still drinking the Kool-Aid during my senior year of high school, and did the whole graduation ceremony thing (with the invitations, the cap and gown, the extra tassels, the name cards to exchange with classmates, yadda yadda yadda) – and I had a good time, largely because it was the first graduation ceremony I’d been to where I wasn’t stuck behind a bass clarinet playing Elgar’s monotonous bass lines for what seemed like hours…
But I’d still need to hear more about why Way’s daughter “really, really, really” doesn’t want to go before judging whether or not her reasons outweigh what sounds like a fairly robust set of family norms – or vice versa.
I skipped my college graduation for my own reasons, and just flat out told my parents and one remaining grandparent that it wasn’t happening – I’d already been accepted to grad school at the same campus, was a year behind my “graduating class” (not that I knew that many people outside of my department anyway, only one of whom was graduating that quarter…), and basically felt like it wasn’t really that much of a milestone – and as it turned out, I dropped out of grad school and wound up in a completely unrelated career trajectory.
Can you stand one more story in favor of Daughter going to the ceremony? When I graduated HS back in ’69, skipping it was not really an option. Only someone with a really dire situation (deathly ill or showing pregnant or house just burnt down) would’ve skipped. So I went, and made the family happy, and it was all chaotic and stuffy and boring. But one of my closest friends (“M”) at the time was having really horrible problems at home, and her mother and sibs didn’t attend or acknowledge that she made it through, and that was very sad. My mom was appalled when she found out that “M” was alone, and insisted that she come with us back home for our little party. Which kind of saved the day for “M”, being included with people who cared about her.
I’m glad I went. When it came time to get my BA 4 years later, Mom & Dad couldn’t come to that because Mom was in hospital from a horrid car crash, the only family I recall attending were some distant cousins who wanted to take a ride up the Hudson for the day. And when it came time a little later for my MLS, I think I finished on an “off” semester without a ceremony? (At least , I don’t now recall one.) So it turned out that the HS deal was the only one they got to attend for me.
I did bail out on the big church wedding, had a small justice of the peace wedding in a judge’s office, with reception afterward for just our immediate families and a few nearby cousins,about 20 of us in all. After (that is,between) the big blowout extravaganzas for both my sisters, that was definitely the right thing to do for me for then, and the husband agreed. The wedding was OK, the marriage wasn’t, I’m glad it wasn’t a huge expensive waste.
So: try to persuade Daughter to go to graduation, some unforeseen good may come of it. Let her skip whatever she wants to after that.
I am with those on the “it really doesn’t matter but she needs to own her choice” side. And she needs to explain to the grandparents herself. Though Mom may have to step in because if her grandparents are anything like my great-aunt, they will never understand how someone can opt out of something that is just supposed to be done.
I went to mine but it was a very tiny class (19) and a more intimate service. We passed out flowers to parents/grandparents and had time to do a song just for dads and one for moms. I couldn’t imagine not doing it. Someone in the year behind me skipped so people even skip out of the short services too.
I’ve attended services with classes in the 200+ and services in the 700+ and have to say being there didn’t really matter. We were never anywhere close and couldn’t see anything, plus it’s hot, and we knew one person out of those hundreds. We never saw the graduate until the party after anyway. The get-togethers afterward are actually memorable so maybe a party with the graduate front and center would suffice.
I reluctantly went to my Graduation Mass and Graduation in high school — and instead of bringing Pearl Buck, I brought A Prayer For Owen Meany and my grandmother thought it was really funny. Otherwise, it was boring as hell, but I didn’t regret going. College I skipped because there were so many people in my graduating class we didn’t get to walk, and I was going to grad school right after, so it didn’t feel like I was finished. My grandmother was scandalized, but she got over it. I think I did go out drinking with friends. Didn’t regret that either.
Late to the game here, but here’s what happened with me.
I didn’t even want to bother graduating from high school. I wanted to do my equivalency and get it over with. I only even bothered for my mom. And you know what she said afterwards?
Fuck this shit, let’s go get drunk. (My mom, she is made of win.) We then had a party at my house for 3 days while my stepdad was out of town.
Point being, even she didn’t get anything out of it when it was all said and done. Yes, the grandmas will have a fit, as grandmas are wont to do, and there is something to be said for drinking a big cup of suckitup and taking one for the team. There is also a lot to be said for not doing it because you don’t want to do it, for whatever reason. Sometimes, I’m sorry, but sometimes grandma just needs to get over it. It’s not all about the old people. (And as someone who is now *gasp* approaching middle age, that sounds so weird for me to say.)
PS I didn’t go to prom, either. I sat up all night for Depeche Mode tickets, and I bet I had more fun than any of those assholes.
Bottom line, let her decide what she wants to do. Let her make the hard choices, deal with the consequences, and act like a grown up.
I would encourage you to try to get a little more specific with everyone. What’s up with daughter and the “really, really really”s? Did she break up wiht her best freind? Is she developing and anxiety disorder? What’s going on and is it possible to address that in some way and still graduate? or not…
Also why is mom ( grandma ) still mad after all these years? And what is she hoping to get out of grandaughters graduation? I want to point out that sometimes what grandmothers want is the pictures. The sr. portrait, the picture of themself with the grandchild in the cap and gown etc and this can all happen without the ceremony – get the cap and gown, have a party, take some pictures, Grandma still has something to show her freinds it’s all good.
I enjoyed my HS graduation, I’d known many of those kids since I was 5, the speaches were funny & damn, I was glad to be graduating. College graduation was ok. Not only did my parents come, some old family freinds came – I’m not sure why but it was nice of them. By the time I got my Masters I didn’t care, that would have been a tiny department in a huge university and not worth sitting through. My parents are in their late 70s early 80s and my son is 8. If either of them is still alive and able to attend his graduation, he’s doing it.
I didn’t have a college graduation. I finished college one credit short of three years, and they wouldn’t let me walk with the class ahead of me. By the time graduation rolled around for my class, I was well on to my real life. I didn’t feel like I missed anything by not going. (I did go to my high school and law school graduations. Can’t say that either were particularly amazing events that will be etched in my or my family members memories: from 1991 to 2001 there was someone’s graduation (high school or college) every year.)
I would’ve preferred to skip college graduation. But my parents paid my way through all four years, and if they wanted to see me in me a cap and gown, then by god, I wasn’t going to pick a fight over it.
The funny thing is that after the long, hot ceremony was over and I graduated along with my thousands of classmates (big state school), my parents agreed that it had been a big waste of time. Oh well.
Probably no way to convince the grandparents they’d just be bored, eh?
Anecdote: I don’t think I would particularly care if I had not attended my HS graduation. What I do remember is not being permitted to go hang out with my friends because family was in town, and I resented the hell out of it at that time. (We made up for it at the *other* county HS’s graduation, but still.)
So, wevs. She won’t have a hole in her heart, I don’t think.
I know this post is several days old, but I thought I’d bring up another angle. Several people felt that Daughter should suck it up and go, to make her relatives happy. That is the attitude my family takes with me anytime my desires don’t align with theirs…and I resent the hell out of them for it. It makes me feel like I don’t matter to them, as a person – a feeling made worse because when I tried to talk to my mom about it, she told me the problem would be solved if I would just Be Like Them. The LW’s family may not be like that, and even if they are, Daughter may be better at shrugging it off. But every time you tell your kids to suck it up and do things they hate to make the family happy, you increase the risk that they will end up moving 900 miles away and always having excuses for why they can’t make it back for family gatherings.
I should note that I went to high school graduation because I had to give a speech. I refused to go for college even though my family wailed and gnashed their teeth, and I’ve never regretted it.
This comment comes late; I’ve been away from the computer for a few days. But it’s obvious to any “Buffy” fan why Daughter wants to skip graduation–the principal is going to turn into a giant snake and devour the audience.
Amanduh — Oh, YES. The “Well, if you didn’t do X, it would make family unhappy, and we can’t have THAT, now can we…so just suck it up in the interests of keeping the peace.”
One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn, in growing up, was how to deal with the possibility that someone might be disappointed in me. (Because in the real world, you can’t possibly make everyone happy at the same time.) My family did me (I’m the only descendant) no favors in not teaching me those coping skills earlier.
I guess I never realized that graduation is about grandparents, not the grad.
I guess I never realized that graduation is about grandparents, not the grad.
Well, there’s what should be, and there’s what is.