O divine Sars,

I’m a senior in high school — turning 18 in less than a month — and I’m what could be considered a pretty good kid. My GPA is above a 4.0, I do well on all those standardized acronym-happy tests that are supposed to mean something, most teachers I’ve had like me, and I’ve never been in trouble. I don’t drink or do drugs or anything like that. I am respectful to people, unless they’re assholes. I swear a blue streak but that’s kind of my only vice. I’m happy — I have some good friends, a boyfriend, two dogs, and a fish. I’m involved with some extra-curricular activities that I really enjoy. My only problem right now is with my parents.

I’m an only child, so my parents have always been a bit on the controlling side — my mom more so than my dad, but my mom is the dominant force in the partnership so her word goes, for the most part. I have always tried to respect their views on things, and in the past it hasn’t required too much effort to keep them happy while also keeping myself happy.

In the last few months, though, I’ve found that sort of diplomacy harder and harder to achieve, and our relationship is all the more strained for it. Lately, my mom is much harder to keep happy — she doesn’t think I’m home often enough, or that I’m spending enough time on homework, or whatever. Yesterday afternoon my best friend returned from a college visitation trip she had been on and I asked my parents if I could go over to her house in the evening to watch a movie, and was informed that in the future I would no longer be included in family dinner plans if I wasn’t going to make an effort to be home. My boyfriend sometimes comes over to see me Sunday evenings after he goes to Catholic mass, and my mom is openly disparaging about that practice as well.

I have recently been trying to make concessions — for instance, last night I came home about an hour before my curfew in hopes to score some points. I’ve also told my boyfriend he may not be able to come over Sundays or weeknights to see me anymore. I always make school my top priority, so none of my grades are in any danger of slipping below an A, and when I do go out I always call periodically throughout the evening to let her and my dad know what’s up, but none of it really seems to be helping. I have tried to talk to my mother about this on several occasions, but communication has never been her strong suit. She usually just ends up reminding me about how hard she works to give me all the things I have, and how lucky I am and how ungrateful I can be, and then I really do end up feeling guilty because I’m not more appreciative, and nothing gets accomplished.

I’m at my wit’s end, and when I’m home more often than not I just feel like crying. I don’t want my relationship with my mother to be this way. I truly do love her. She didn’t have a particularly good childhood, and that reflects itself in her parenting, but I know she tries. How can I make her happy again, while also making time with my friends and my boyfriend? I’m not sure what to do. The advice I’ve gotten from other sources has been to talk to her about it, but I’ve tried that. A bunch of times. I’m hoping you can offer me some fresh perspective.

Sincerely,
Am I a Bad Kid?

Dear Hardly,

You’re a senior. Next year, you’ll be gone. Your mom is reacting to that before it even happens, and she’s probably not even aware of it, but all this snappishness and unreasonably controlling behavior is an attempt to involve herself in your life. It’s not the healthiest way to do it, and in fact it’s downright counterintuitive, but that’s what’s going on.

The trick, in your place, is to recognize it for what it is without giving in to it too much. You could try talking to her again, although it doesn’t sound like it does much good, so you might ask your dad if he’s got any suggestions — don’t ask him to talk to her for you, just get some advice.

And, honestly, if she’s not grounding you for going out, or giving you any consequences besides being a bitch? I’d just try to work around it. I mean, sure, keep making an effort to spend time with her and make her feel included. You might start telling her that you’ll miss her next year, now and then, or set up a thing where the just the two of you hang out once a week — Girls’ Brunch or something. And then, if she’s still reacting clingily, just do your thing and let her get over it, because eventually, you won’t live with them anymore, and she’s going to have to make her peace with it somehow. Your best effort here is not going to be enough, quite, because it doesn’t change the facts, so do just do the best you can manage and don’t cut yourself off from your friends — it won’t work anyway.

Your mom is clinging, because she’s anticipating losing you, and she’s doing it in the same passive-aggressive, frustrating way mothers have done it since the beginning of time. It’s maddening, but try to sympathize with it without giving up your life.

Sars! Love you, love the column, love everything about
you.

A little background: I’ve been best friends with
“Mariska” since junior high. She helped to bring me
out of my shell, and we could suffer the pain of our
small, conservative town together.

We had a close-knit
group of friends in high school and after graduation,
we all went our separate ways. Most of us went to
universities out of town, including me, but Mariska
stayed at home and went to the local community
college. Even though I moved two hours away, we would
see each other and our other friends a few times a
month (small-town syndrome, I know) and she became
pretty hardcore. She would sneak out of her parents’
house, she would sleep around, she would drink us all
under the table, she experienced every problem a
teenage girl could (boyfriends, eating disorders, et cetera
et cetera). She was extreme, but she had always been a bit
of a drama queen so we were used to it.

But lately things with her have been different. It’s a
few years later, and my friends and myself are all
readying for graduation — except for Mariska. She’s
finishing her fourth year at the community college
without any degree at all. We had always stayed in
contact over the phone, but instead of calling to tell
me when the next party is or to talk about how wild
her weekend was, she tells me about how much she hates
her life and how boring her night is. She doesn’t go
out anymore, at all, and she is condescending and
bitchy when I tell that her I am. (She called me at 8
on New Year’s and was angry that I was out — at a
party I had invited her to.) She stays at home with
her parents every night and calls me at the same time
to talk about whatever show she’s watching. We were
talking about getting together in the next few weeks
and she was all for it, until I mentioned a party with
my friends and she completely shut down.

I really, really don’t want to be one of those “omigod
my friends are so cool and we got sooooo drunk” type
of people, but I only have a few more undergrad months
and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to live
them up. I feel like I finally have a good group of
friends who care about me for the first time since
high school. I don’t call her when I’m out because I
know it will look like I’m bragging or something lame,
but she calls me every time and becomes livid when she
hears a guy’s voice in the background. If I don’t
answer, she’ll call again and again and again until I
do.

I don’t understand! This was the girl who would
take a shot before saying hello to anyone at a party,
who would flash the neighborhood on a dare, who would
drive to Vegas on a whim and lie flawlessly to her
parents about it. She’s not a prude. I know she’s
depressed, but every suggestion I have to make her
situation better is met with griping and bitchiness.
It’s even worse when I mention a date with a guy —
she’s more judgmental than my mother!

I won’t lie, her situation sucks. She’s stuck in that
town and she’s been in a crappy school for four years,
working to get an associate’s that won’t get her a job
anyway. And truthfully, she had been her Wild And
Crazy self with people we’d known for ten years. But
her personality has changed so drastically in the last
year that I do worry. If she suddenly stopped calling
I would worry that she was in trouble with depression,
but for now I think she’s okay.

My problem is this: I’m moving closer to our hometown
for grad school, and while she seems excited to be
able to hang out at my new place, I don’t want to
upset her or make her uncomfortable if I do happen to
hang out with people at the new school. Worse, if I
start dating someone seriously, I’m afraid Mariska
will be so irritated with me that one of my
relationships will be seriously damaged. I know how
much you hate to hear “I don’t want to lose her as a
friend,” but I think I’m the only one she’s got.
Sometimes it’s a relief to not talk to her for a few
days, but other times I feel guilty about not picking
up the phone. I want to help her out but I am out of
ideas. How do I balance her in my life, while still
trying to have one?

Signed,
I Wish I Could Try A Jersey Tomato

Dear Let’s Start With The Backbone Appetizer Instead,

Did you ever think that maybe there’s a reason you’re the only friend she’s got? And that it’s because she’s overly possessive, judgmental, and bitter — and that you’re the only one left who hasn’t called her on it?

I do think Mariska’s got some problems; the acting out that then became the pinchy, angry territorial behavior suggests to me that she’s trying to deal with something that has nothing to do with you, and she should probably get some counseling — career and otherwise — to help her out of that rut. But that doesn’t mean you have to let her run you in the meantime. It’s time to speak frankly to her about her unreasonable behavior and how it makes you feel, and it’s time to stop cushioning her from imaginary blows.

“Mariska, I love you and I really value our friendship, but I don’t appreciate your judgments, and when you act like you own me, I feel suffocated and angry.” Then just sit there. If she wants to freak shit, well, fine, but you need to listen to yourself in this letter — she’s going to damage a romantic relationship? How exactly would she do that? Oh, that’s right, by you letting her.

She does not in fact own you. You can have other friends; she can meet them and become friends with them too. She’s not dealing with the fact that you have a life outside of your interactions with her, which is immature in the extreme, and whether she wants to address the underlying reason for that is up to her, but you should set some boundaries with it and make it clear that you’re her friend, but not at the expense of the rest of your life.

She’s way over the line. The crappiness of her life is not a mitigating excuse for that. Put her back behind the line, and if necessary leave her there.

Oh great and wonderful Sars —

I had this friend, let’s call her “B” for lack of
anything more creative. We started off working
together, and became great friends, eventually
neighbors for a while, carpool buddies,
cry-on-your-shoulder after too many beers, et cetera. She
encouraged me and helped me out when I divorced my
first husband, was very supportive.

B was a much better friend when things were bad than
when they were good; I think it made her feel bad (or
useless, maybe?) when other people were happy. She
had frequent depression and problems with self-image.
Our relationship had large up-and-down swings, weeks
or months would go by without her speaking to me. It
wasn’t just me that had this experience with her, she
would periodically withdraw from all friends and
family, cocooning herself in her house and not talking
to anyone. When she would be coaxed out of her
depression and solitude everything would go back to
“normal” with no discussion of the problems.

Fast forward a few years and I moved halfway across
the country with my son to start over. I worked very
hard not to lose contact with B, we emailed and IMed
frequently, talking on the phone when we could afford
the long-distance fees. This lasted for a year, at
the end of which I went home to visit my family and
friends for Christmas.

I let B know with lots of notice when I’d be there and
which day I’d have a baby-sitter and be able to hang
out just the two of us (it was an action-packed three-day
trip). When I called her to confirm plans and figure
out when and where we were meeting, she couldn’t be
bothered. I had travelled 1500 miles and she had yoga
or something and couldn’t make any time to meet me.

Right or wrong, I got grumpy and decided hell with
her, she can contact me if she wants. Wait, and wait,
and wait… Nothing for over a year, until this
morning I get a four-word email from her in my inbox:
“I’m getting married. B” …The hell?

Questions: Am I at fault for not trying harder to
contact her? Was it unfair of me to only have one day
available to visit? Should I have continued to
contact her and gotten over myself? Most importantly
at this precise moment, how on earth should I respond
to her email?

Am I The Worst Friend In The World?

Dear No,

Answers: No, no, no, “Congratulations!”

I don’t know why she bothered contacting you in the first place; presumably she thinks that, as has always happened before, all is forgiven and you’ll just go back to normal with no mention of the fact that she disappeared on your ass. And if you want to go that route, okay. But if you don’t, just send a perfunctory “congratulations, I’m happy for you” email, because she’s really already told you what the friendship is worth to her.

I mean, “I’m getting married” — no other comment, nothing? Total drama-queen move. You don’t need that shizz. Don’t get sucked back in; the friendship had a good run, but it’s over.

Wonderful and all-knowing Sars,

I’ll try to keep this brief and as unbiased as possible.

My family frequently hosts foreign students, usually from Europe, for various lengths of time. Up until now we’ve had amazing luck with them, all nice, well-spoken students from good families. This time it’s a little different.

We’re two months into the five-month period and I’m going insane. This girl, let’s call her W, is completely incapable of taking care of herself. Eating, sleeping, going to school, that’s no problem. Where she lacks any knowledge whatsoever is in the way of domestic common sense. Case in point? It did not occur to this girl to change the towels in her bathroom for a month and a half. The same towels, the same washcloths, for a month and a half. Why? Because at home W’s mother does all of this. That looked after, she began putting wet towels in the laundry hamper for days on end where they would begin to grow their own little communes. She’s been told that this happens, claims to understand (and her English is wonderful, comprehension isn’t a problem), but every few days, I check the hamper and find another damp towel and a few more items of clothing that smell off. Aak!

Now, I’m not easily frustrated. Trust me, there have been worse beginnings, but the kids always got better! They learned to help if they saw someone unloading the dishwasher or vacuuming the floor. They learned to clean up after they made themselves snacks or did laundry. But it just isn’t sinking in with W. I’ve had to show her how to use the washing machine six times in the past few weeks and there are very simple directions written out right beside it.

Sars, this girl is nearly eighteen (older than me by a bit). She’s an excellent student and if we weren’t cohabitating, I’m sure we’d be able to agree on some points, but she’s just got no domestic common sense (or common sense in general, but that’s a whole other story).

It’s hard for my parents to see my older (more rational, I think) sister trying to get away from the house at every opportunity. It’s also no peach for them to watch and listen to the verbal spats that break out when, once again, my jeans smell of mould because there was a wet towel in the hamper. Or when we argue about really pointless things such as whether sunbathing and tanning excessively causes wrinkles and cancer (apparently in Europe, it doesn’t…?).

Sars, I’m at the end of my rope and I’m hoping you’ll either a) slap some sense into me or b) give me some strategies because moving out is not an option (unfortunately, the cost of housing here is insane) and this household can’t take much more tension.

Sincerely,
Even The Cats Sense It

Dear Poor Katzen,

Man, that sounds like…let’s call her “Ulrika.” The exchange student my junior year lived with a good friend of mine, and the number of things they had to tell her, in so many words, to do and not to do…the wearing of the underpants with the mini-skirt? Not so much. The asking before the borrowing? Not so much. Eventually, my friend’s family learned that just saying “could you please” and “if you wouldn’t mind” wouldn’t get it done; they had to tell Rika, in so many words, “Don’t do that.”

So, I think you and/or your parents need to tell W, explicitly, without apologizing, that she’s to help around the house, that she’s to learn how to use the machine, and that she’s not to put wet towels in the hamper. Ever. Period. Rules of the house.

The other solution, which might make fewer waves and be more effective, is to get her her own linens and her own hamper and just let her walk around all mildewy if that’s how she wants to live. Yeah, you don’t want to reinforce the laziness, but she’s not going to learn, and she’s not living with you guys forever; pick a short-term solution that’s going to cut down on the funk.

Oh, Sars. I need your worldly advice. My friends just
keep telling me to shut up.

Yup, so there’s this boy. He’s in one of my classes
this semester and I spent the better half of it gazing
at him longingly. I finally decided to stop playing
the unrequited game and asked him to a casual dinner
party at my house a couple weeks ago. He had other
plans, but called me several times that night to see
if we could meet up afterwards. He ended up coming to
my house and staying until five in the morning.

We
drank tons of beer, smoked tons of cigarettes, and
just talked. For hours. Then he called me the next
night to hang out, but I was out of town. Then he
called me the next night. And the next night. I was
thrilled. We hung out again three days after our first
night together, meeting up at a bar with two of his
friends. We were, once again, having an amazing time.
Quotes from him that night? “You are seriously rad.”
“You’re my kind of girl.” “My best friend thinks
you’re really awesome, and she usually hates girls.”

But then I started noticing that he was being awfully
touchy-feely with the Girl that was there with us.
Then later, after he invited me back to his house,
Girl announced she was going to bed and disappeared
into his room. He told me to stay for another drink. I
casually asked if Girl was his girlfriend. He told me
he didn’t have one, that she was “nothing.” Brimming
with liquid courage, I told him that I “had a thing
for him.” Exact words. A moment of silence followed.
Then he proceeded to tell me about how he can’t be in a
relationship, about this girl that broke his heart a
few months ago, about not being in a good place
mentally. I apologized for being awkward and told him
not to worry about it.

Then I went on (I blame the
whiskey) to tell him that if he just wasn’t interested
he could tell me, he didn’t have to make any excuses
to me. To which he replied, “Would I hook up with you?
Totally. Do I want to hang out with you all the time?
Yes. But I can’t do this right now.” I pretended to
understand. The subject should have been dropped, but
(once again, blaming the drinks) it wasn’t. We
continued to talk about it. However, my drunken memory
fails me after that point, and I honestly do not
remember how we left it. I know that he gave me a hug
goodbye and told me it was all going to be all right.

When I saw him in class two days later, we both acted
like nothing happened. Since then we’ve hung out
several times, and it seems like not a day goes by
when we aren’t in contact, whether by phone or
internet. Every time I talk to him I like him more.
But I am so full of questions, and I know you’re the
person to turn to for that.

First off, is the “She broke my heart and I just can’t
be in a relationship” excuse ever valid? I’ve always
been under the impression that a lot of people say
that as a gentle way of rejecting someone. Secondly,
what the fuck? Why would he call me every day and
compliment me to death, then tell me it’s just not
happening? Now I worry that every time I call him he’s
going to think I’m trying to rope him in somehow. But
I want to call him all the time, because he’s just so
fun to hang out with, and I am still hoping that maybe
he’ll come around and fall madly in love with me.

Also, I told him after the fact that I would never
mention our conversation again, because I wanted to
assure him that I am a rational person who can take no
for an answer and still be cool. But…I really do
want to talk to him about it again, because I don’t
really remember how we concluded the conversation. I
don’t know if he told me to give him time, or not to
bother with it, or whatever. But I don’t know if a new
friendship can survive that much awkwardness. So what
do you think, is he into me, or have I found yet
another guy who loves me like a sister? Should I talk
to him again, or leave it alone? Thanks in advance for
any light you can shed on the situation.

Just Friends?!

Dear I Wouldn’t Go There,

It’s often an excuse, yeah. I mean, most of the time it’s well-meant and sincere, but the dude had another girl sleeping in his bed. So…yeah. Is it possible he’ll “come around”? Sure. Will you always be waiting for the other shoe to drop with this broken-hearted business? Yep.

I think he’s genuine when he says he doesn’t want to get into it with you because it’s not the right time; he doesn’t want to risk screwing something up that could be really good. But the more time you spend with him, the higher the likelihood that there is going to be a hook-up, after which he’s going to freak and distance himself; the more mixed messages and frustration you have to deal with; the more time you waste with someone who just isn’t ready.

How the conversation concluded doesn’t really matter. He may have asked you to give him time, but what usually happens in that case is that he emerges from his alone time…and goes with another girl, and you’re still in reserve, gnashing your teeth. Tell him you can’t deal with the mixed messages and start cutting down on your contact with him. “But –” No. Do it. Don’t set yourself up for unhappiness.

If you only ever take one thing away from The Vine, people, let it be this: When people tell you, “I can’t do this,” for whatever reason and in whatever phrasing — “I’m just coming out of a tough breakup,” “I’m not looking for a boyfriend,” “I don’t want to hurt you in the end,” whatever — believe them. It’s always the truth and they’re always doing you a favor by warning you — so let yourself be warned, and walk away without looking back, because “succeeding” in changing their minds sentences you to a bunch of ambivalent bullshit, none of which they will take responsibility for because, hey, they warned you.

She who turns and runs away lives to fight another day. You will not be the exception.

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