The Vine: April 27, 2001
Hi Sarah,
I have a friend who I’m very worried about. She is 17 like me and has been with her current boyfriend for well over two years, but he treats her as if she is worthless.
He bitches about her behind her back, which is bad enough, but he treats her like some kind of verbal punchbag. It’s like he treats her as badly as he can in front of everyone, just to show that he has this power over her, and the worst thing is that she thinks it’s her fault. We were at a party once and she went up to speak to him, and he called her a “stupid bitch” and told her to “fuck off” because he was trying to talk to his mates. And they’re supposed to be in love. But she insisted that no, it was an entirely understandable reaction, since she had unwittingly interrupted his conversation. There is nothing he can do that would make her dump him.
He dumped her last summer, telling her that it was her fault and that she’d driven him away. The break-up came out of nowhere, and the first thing she knew about it was when he stopped calling and ignored her all the time. But he couldn’t even stop hurting her then; he turned up drunk at our forget-that-loser sleepover, verbally abused her, and then, when we were finally able to kick him out, bombarded one of her friends with obscene and suggestive text-messages. My friend does not know about the last part because we know that it would do no good to tell her. She always believes his story because she believes in loyalty to your man above all else. Then to add insult to injury he fooled around with someone else at the prom, and when she found out he said it had only made him realise how much he loved my friend, and they got back together. But now he treats her worse than before. I think the fact that she took him back then made him realise he could get away with absolutely anything and she’d put up with it. He continually belittles her, makes her feel stupid and worthless, but she accepts this as normal male behaviour.
I think this stems at least partly from her home situation. In her family, the men are way more important than the women; her younger brothers are allowed to do what they like, her dad is supreme master of the house, and her parents continually rag on her for not working hard enough. This could not be further from the truth. Also, during an argument, her mother said, “It’s no wonder X broke up with you; you’re such a bitch.” Again, my friend is the nicest person I know. Perhaps she’s too nice. Her parents started dating when they were 15 so my friend is convinced that every relationship is going to be for keeps, and she is positive that X is the only man for her. She thinks that they will be together forever and so, if she were to break up with him, it would be like denying her destiny. Never mind that their relationship makes her miserable. She expects men to dominate and mistreat her.
We don’t know what to do because she won’t hear any criticism of X; it makes her defensive on his behalf and she puts all the blame on herself. None of us know how to show her that relationships shouldn’t work that way and that she deserves more than this shoddy treatment. She refuses to accept that men can treat women with respect and that it shouldn’t be too much to expect. We’re worried because X seems to harbour so much anger and contempt towards her and it seems like a small step from verbal to physical abuse. We don’t want to see her slip into this pattern because I know from experience that it is very difficult to break, but none of us know what to do from here. How can we help her to find some self-worth and get out of this destructive situation before it is too late?
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest and if you can give any advice whatsoever, I would be very grateful.
Concerned in Oxford
Dear Concerned,
Sad to say, there isn’t much you can do. She’s young, your friend, and young women often don’t understand that they don’t have to tolerate the bullshit of young men.
Make it clear to your friend — and I think you have — that you love her and you want the best for her, and that you don’t think X is the best, or even tolerable, and you think she should punt his scuzzy ass to the curb. You’ll support her if she needs you, whatever she decides to do about him, but you think she can — and should — do better. You might also suggest that she see a counselor, just to sort out a few of her family issues and see if she can’t break the pattern of low self-esteem that she’s gotten into. Beyond that, well, some lessons people have to learn for themselves, no matter how painful and pointless they seem to the people who love them.
In short, stay out of it…unless he starts hitting her, in which case you need to step in immediately.
Sarah —
Help me! I’m in the eighth grade, and I’m a 34D. There’s this boy in my class who drives me crazy. We’ll call him The Boob. He bothers me almost every day! I’ve tried threatening him, screaming at him, hitting him, you name it. Here are some of The Boob’s jokes (I’ll call myself “DeeDee”):
The Boob: DeeDee’s so racked, she makes Playboy look like a toy (I was wearing a Playboy shirt).
The Boob: Why did the Titanic sink? DeeDee took her bra off.
The Boob: (after the call sign was played on the Z100 radio station) DeeDee wears a Z100 bra size.
The Boob: (about to be pushed, I was behind him) Go ahead, I have a lot of padding.
And other jokes. It’s really starting to bug me; I’ve been laughing it off for way too long. I don’t want to have to dress differently just because of him. What should I do?
DeeDee
Dear DeeDee,
Oh, ha ha. “Z100” — that’s so funny. Oh, wait — it isn’t, because it doesn’t make sense to begin with. And…uh, the Titanic? What does that even mean? Shut up, Boob.
I hate that girls have to go through this because of a secondary sex characteristic we don’t even control. But let’s look at why The Boob makes the jokes. He makes the jokes because he’s insecure and intimidated. You have large breasts, he doesn’t know how to process that information maturely, and he turns his own discomfort around and projects it onto you, because he’s confronted with female sexuality, and even though it’s indirect, it terrifies him. In other words, he doesn’t do it because of you; he does it because of himself. There’s no reason to reward his behavior with a response, or to change your own behavior just because his parents didn’t raise him with any manners.
Ignore The Boob. Don’t bitch him out; don’t cry. It’s going to bug you, no doubt, but he’s an eighth-grade boy; an eighth-grade boy will find a way to bug you, no matter what you’ve got going on up front. Just roll your eyes and keep walking, and rock your bod with whatever clothes you want. Stand up straight. Model the baby tees and spandex if that’s your thing. Don’t let a dickweed with no manners tell you how to be. And if he crosses the line from “dumb” into “lewd and scary,” or tries to touch your breasts, report his jerky ass. I mean it. There’s puerile teasing, and then there’s harassment, and you can tolerate teasing — you’ll have to — but you don’t have to tolerate harassment.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships
