The Vine: April 28, 2006
Dear Sars,I currently have a good job which I like well enough and am happy with. My department has gone through a few years of turmoil. Every six months or so since I started, there was a better than 50% chance we’d be cut.
During this time, I have been working on a major project. While most other staff jumped ship to more secure positions, I repeatedly gave my word that I would not leave until the project was done. This wasn’t just for the department; I wanted to see it through because of all the energy and time I’ve invested.
Against all odds, the department has been secured for at least the next three years. My project is winding down and I’m in clean-up mode. There is plenty of other work for me to do once it’s over and I won’t be bored or on the breadline or anything. This was just the first of many things that they hired me to take care of.
A couple of weeks ago, I interviewed for a job with another department which would essentially be the next step up the ladder for me (not that it’s much of a ladder). I have an…unusual mix of skills for my geographic area and stand a better than good chance of getting the offer. While the new job would be a few hundred more a paycheck, I like my current position’s coworkers and environment. So I’ve been split with the whole idea of what I would do if offered the position.
My present supervisor, Dana, went through a pretty rough battle with cancer last year. I took on a lot of her duties in addition to my own, so that she could receive treatment. I was happy to do it. She’s a good person with whom I work well. Last week, a coworker, Jane, felt that I needed to know that Dana has recently received news that the cancer has infiltrated her lungs and breasts and that she’ll need extensive therapy. Dana hasn’t said anything to me about it, which would have been nice, but it’s difficult, so I’m not mentioning it, she’s not mentioning it, we’re just getting our work knocked out as well as ever.
Sorry it took so long, but here’s the conundrum: If I am offered and take the new position, I will be leaving Dana in the lurch, big-time. She’ll have to spend at least six weeks replacing me. (We work in government and it takes for-ev-er to fill slots.) This would be at the same time as her treatment is beginning. Should I take this into consideration when weighing my options?
Of course, there’s no guarantee that I’m going to get the offer, or that if I did, I would accept. Right now it’s basically comfort and familiarity versus change and money, and money’s not that big a deal to me. It’s not like I’m going bankrupt now. I don’t know whether I should factor the burden my leaving would place on the department into the equation, though. We’re already down to less than 50% manpower and we all do a lot of covering.
I want to do the right thing, but I can’t unknow what I’ve learned and am afraid that it may steer me wrong.
Confused by all the variables
Dear Confused,
It’s good of you to want to look out for Dana, but in the end, that’s for her to do, not you — and given that she hasn’t even told you herself what she’s going through right now, health-wise, I think you need to avoid thinking of that as an obligation of yours. I know it’s hard; like you said, you can’t unknow that information.
But at the same time, this is a career issue, in your career, and you have to be unafraid to put yourself first in that regard — to make the call that is going to work best for you, irrespective of whether it inconveniences your old ofice or whether everyone else is happy with it. Because — that’s working life these days. People come and go, you have to train replacements, blah blah. If this is too much for Dana to handle at this juncture in her life, that’s her career issue, and having compassion for her situation should not necessarily extend to sacrificing your own advancement, if that’s what it comes down to.
Now, if you decide that what would make you happiest, and do you the most good career-wise, is to play out the string with Dana and feel good about doing that, then that’s what you do. But let yourself be selfish about the decision, because you’re the one who has to live with it.
Dear Sars,I really would appreciate your input on this weird situation that is my life.
For various reasons I was depressed and basically didn’t function during my senior year of college a couple years ago, and that culminated with my not graduating, and basically crying for about six months straight. Looking back on it, I feel that my friends were either absent or unhelpful during this time. So, I’m a bit resentful still, but mostly I don’t think about it, and whatever, people do their best. Not to mention, I wasn’t exactly pleasant to be around and generally didn’t ask for help. After that I finally got some counseling, have been seeing a nice shrink since, and was on some very helpful meds that quit working after I’d enjoyed the best few months of my life.
Anyway, last spring I met and dated a nice young man, and when he broke up with me a few months later, I was hurt, but not too depressed. I do think that the reason that it ended was because I’m kind of a downer, have weird issues with sex, and am generally a bit hateful; he wasn’t the great love of my life, but he was nice, and I liked him a lot. I also lost my (crappy) job right before that, my good friend and roommate moved to another city shortly afterwards, and I moved in with some other women I didn’t particularly like.
But it’s all good, right? I’d already finished the classes I needed for my BA, shortly after losing my crappy job I got a better one, and am just beginning to move forward with a new career interest. I want to be happy, and be the kind of person that I would want to date, or befriend. I’m getting involved with volunteer activities, recently started going to the gym, and going out, to movies, shows, even just the library or the coffee shop, all of which had been really tough for me to do for two years.
But Sars, I’m miserable. My shrink says I’m not depressed, which I guess is true, because I can get off the couch and am crossing a lot of things off of my to-do list. But god I’m unhappy. I go out alone because I can’t stand to be around people. I am either not really speaking to or on bad terms with my friends. I don’t have anyone over because I hate my new apartment. I’ve been fighting with my best friend (an ex fling from three years ago, but that’s a whole other letter), and basically we haven’t spoken for two months. I just want to be alone and figure out what’s wrong with me, but it’s killing me.
On paper things should be great, but WTF? Are my expectations too high? Am I still pining over my spring/summer romance? Why can’t I stand to be around anyone?
Signed,
At least before when I wanted to kill myself, I was too lazy to actually do it
Dear You Know, I Don’t Love It When Y’all Make Threats Like That,
All right, first and foremost: if you really feel like ending things is the answer, please, go to a hospital or call a hotline, or your parents, someone who can help you hang on.
Second of all: You hate your life because you’re doing a bunch of things that aren’t working for you, which you continue to do because you think it’s what “normal people” do. I would say that your shrink is the number-one not-working thing in your life, since I think you are depressed (half this letter is self-hating) and since you didn’t mention switching to new meds that worked for you, just that the old ones quit working. That happens; antidepressants sometimes have an expiration date with certain people where they do you right for a while and then just don’t. Go back to the doctor, get on new meds, and then get a different shrink who actually listens to you, because my God.
Stop forcing yourself to Be Happy! and Do Happy Things! all the time. Participate in the world, yes; get some sunshine when you can, yes; keep cramming yourself into a box that doesn’t fit you, no. You’re miserable, at least in part, because you’re not happy, but you’re following what you think of as the happy-people script, and it’s not working, because there is no script. You don’t like yourself, so you don’t listen to yourself; you don’t do things you like to do. I would bet you don’t even know what those things are. “I don’t like to do anything, actually.” Yeah, I thought that was coming. You’re depressed. And you don’t like being around other people, because it’s too much effort, because you think you’re “hateful,” so you have to act out another role that isn’t you, and it’s exhausting. Because? You’re depressed.
Look, happiness isn’t a state that, once achieved, is constant. Sometimes you slip out of phase, and you have to look around at what you’re doing and where you are and make a few adjustments. Start by switching up your meds and going to a different shrink. Spend more time by yourself, doing alone things you like — reading, playing the guitar, whatever you enjoy that doesn’t give you pressure. Don’t talk to your best friend for a while to minimize the drama; look at new apartments. Make a list of things to do that might change your outlook, put the first two things I mentioned at the top, and then write down everything you hate and are unhappy with. Be honest; the list is for you. Then really read the list and hear yourself and trust your instincts.
But stop beating yourself up for going through a hard time. You aren’t required to have it together and be Miss Merry Sunshine every second; give yourself some time to work things out.
Hey Sars,I have a sort of bizarre wedding etiquette question — my fiance and I have asked family members and so on for input, but the responses have mainly been raised eyebrows and vague “we have no idea” responses. Apologies in advance for it being long; so far we haven’t been able to get any helpful outside input, so we have quite a few questions.
So, fiance and I aren’t too keen on the huge weddings. We’ve agreed that, pretty much, we want an outdoor spring/summer ceremony with just our two sets of parents in attendance (along with a photographer). Neither of us wants to risk the friend-shattering dramas or family-splitting feuds that weddings can sometimes cause/exacerbate, nor do we really want our special day to be spent organising a large number of friends/relations (not all of whom get along or could be trusted to act maturely around each other).
But we also want to send something to our close friends/family, so they can know that, while we don’t want a large wedding, we are still thinking of them; and also to hopefully cut short all the “So, why’d you two feel the need to elope” comments that we’re anticipating. My idea is sending out letters, in lieu of a standard “invitation,” asking friends and family if they would want a professional portfolio with wedding photos, our personal vows, and similar wedding things like that included. Then guests could respond one way or the other and we’d get the portfolios printed up and send them out.
So…questions (feel free to just answer the easy ones…any advice we can get at this point will leave us eternally grateful):
Is the idea in general tacky? It’s not standard fare, so we’re having trouble getting input on whether it’s this line of tacky or the other. Everything would be professionally put together (professional colour photos, nice stiff/embossed card stock, formal wording et cetera…we want something that people would want to keep, as well as something that shows we were thinking of our friends/family).
We also want to include gift bags, or boxes of bomboniera (candy-coated almonds, a traditional Italian wedding gift) — would it be appropriate to include that in the list of Things Guests Would Be Receiving? Or would that be stepping too close to the “respond and get free stuff!” line?
And what to do about gifts from guests? Etiquette seems to say that if you are invited to a wedding, you bring a gift. But…this isn’t an “invitation” so much as…something else. Still, we don’t want to have to say “gifts not necessary” because: tacky. But we also don’t want people to think we’re going on the cheap by not having a “proper” ceremony but sending out “wedding notices” just so we’ll get gifts. I’m considering a wording along the lines of “gifts appreciated, but cards and well-wishes preferred”…though…”preferred”? Still seems wrong somehow? Help?
Also, would it be appropriate to send thank-you notes as part of the packages? Individually written, of course, but maybe matching the package theme, and included all together with everything else? Or should they be sent out separately so people don’t think we’ve just had them produced en masse like the packages will be?
Something my fiance suggested was having the bouquet pressed, and drawing a guest at random to send it to, to fill the gap of “tossing the bouquet.” Of course, we wouldn’t be advertising that “we picked someone at random, but it wasn’t you, oh well” in everyone else’s packages, but we thought maybe just having a note in the “winner’s” package (“we know this might not be as fun as catching it yourself, but we hope it still brings you luck,” or some such) might prove a nice touch. Or would it just open us up to the wedding dramas we’re trying to avoid? Convincing people that random selections are truly random is pretty tricky, after all…
Also, I’d like to leave a specific place in the front of the portfolios for people to attach the initial “invitation”-style letters, since (if including thank-you notes in the portfolios wouldn’t be tacky) I think invites/thank-you notes would make nice bookends to the whole piece. Is there a non-tacky way to suggest people keep those first letters, or is it safe to assume they’ll keep them at least for a few months anyway? What do people normally do with wedding invites anyway?
Thanks for any light you can shed,
At least this way I don’t have to worry about picking out ugly bridesmaid dresses
Dear Yeah, That One Thing You Haven’t Already Worried To Death,
Dude. Go back and read this letter again. See if anything jumps out at you.
…Yeah. That desire to manage every response your non-guests have? The fact that every single question is about what people might think if you do or don’t do this or that? Way overboard. I don’t think the idea is a bad one on its face, but it’s entirely motivated by the fear that people will 1) disapprove, 2) think you’re tacky, 3) not “get” what you’re trying to do…I mean, you want a small wedding. Just have the damn small wedding, then. Send wedding notices, and if people ask where you’re registered, tell them (or direct them to a charity, or demur, or whatever), and if people are offended or want to tell you some shit about How Things Are Done, that’s their problem and you can change the subject.
This entire thing, honestly, is going to make just as much work and stress for yourself as an actual wedding, which you might as well go ahead and have at this point since you’re going to bankrupt yourself on postage anyway, not to mention staying up nights wondering if people are going to remember to save their non-invitations…? Decide to keep it small and stand behind it already.
And this is entirely aside from the fact that, if I opened an envelope from a friend who had gotten married and found 1) an offer to avail myself of the formal wedding portfolio and 2) a dried bouquet? I would think it was really weird, and I would probably not order the portfolio, because…what? This is not to say that you shouldn’t do it, I’m not trying to stifle your creativity, but…if you want to send pictures, just send the pictures. Pick your favorite one, inset it on a card, print the card with the wedding info, next!
Either have the wedding you want and learn to live with not apologizing for it? Or have an actual wedding wedding, throw the bouquet, blah blah, and do it up in person instead via the mail. But this is not about “tacky,” or whether it’s correct to send the thank-you notes with the portfolios (which, to my mind, it isn’t). This is about the fact that you are out-of-proportion uncomfortable with just doing your own thing.
Dear Sars,My husband and I are considering moving to New York City in the next year or so. I am getting a master’s degree in Children’s Literature and am hoping to trade my humdrum job in marketing for a job in children’s publishing, doing what I’ve always wanted to do. New York, of course, is the crème de la crème for that sort of thing.
Now, I grew up in suburbia, though very near to both Baltimore and D.C. However…I’ve never really had the chance to try out being a City Girl before. At this point, I am torn between the fear of taking a chance with a completely new life in a completely new place, and the unbelievable excitement of having the life I’ve always wanted.
Pretty much, if I end up getting the job of my dreams, we are going to move. I couldn’t bear the idea of going through life thinking I passed up the chance to fulfill my goals because I was scared. Husband is all for it, supportive, everything. But my question is, is New York City (I think we’d probably be looking for a place in Queens/Astoria area) really THAT different a place to live in? I’ve visited a bunch of times, have friends/family there, et cetera, but never really got the vibe of the place as a home rather than a tourist attraction. I know you are a seasoned New Yorker, and thought maybe you would have some insight for us.
So what’s the truth (for you, that is, I’m sure it’s different for everyone) about being a New Yorker? Is it scary? Exciting? Always new and interesting? Or just another place to live?
Sincerely,
Chewing on the Big Apple
Dear Chew,
It’s all of those things. It’s scary, it’s exciting, it’s fascinating, it’s a boring hassle, it’s…just where we live. A lot of it, you’re not going to get until you live here, until you’ve lived here a year and you know your neighborhood, the dry cleaner doesn’t have to ask how your shirts should be done, you know which subway entrance shaves off two minutes of walking underground, you know where and when to catch cabs, you know how to layer for a March day.
But that’s anywhere. New York is unnecessarily intimidating to some people in that regard, but if you can think of it like I do, like hundreds of small cities all mooshed together, it’s less overwhelming — and again, you’d have the same experience getting to know Baltimore or Toronto or L.A. And every city has its unique quirks, of course, but you’ll have New York’s knocked after a while.
Living here is eminently doable; you’re lucky, because you’re coming in with a wing man. Don’t overthink it…and don’t count anything you saw as a tourist towards your decision, because that stuff is pretty much irrelevant to daily life here (except as sidewalk cloggery to be routed around by whatever means necessary). If you go to the Empire State Building again, it’ll be because there’s a drugstore inside.
You know the old saying that, when you go on a trip, you should pack, do your budget, and then take half of what’s in your suitcase and twice as much money as you’d planned? Same kind of deal. It’s expensive, and it adds up, but a lot of the baggage you’ve got as far as how scary it is to live here is just not necessary. You’ll be fine.
Dear Sars,How do I break up with someone who won’t let me break up with them?
I have been dating T for almost three years. I just graduated from college last June, and he graduated this past December. After graduation I moved back to my home state on the other coast, because of my total disdain for the state I went to college in. There’s nothing that wrong with it, it’s just not for me. I know T plans to stay there for at least the next two years because of the job he has…giant argument, the first. He accuses me of abandoning him, not visiting enough…blah blah separation-cakes.
My problem now is that I really want to break up, not because of the long-distance thing, but because I don’t really think we have the same life goals anymore. He likes to talk about how many kids we’ll have, and thinks living in L.A. or NYC would be terrible. I personally hope that my current job gets some openings in L.A. so that I can go. He hates trying new foods and never travels while those are my two favorite hobbies. I know that I’m too young to get married, and I think I need to get a little more life experience before I really commit to someone. Unfortunately, he says things to me like, “I can’t wait until we get married.”
How am I supposed to break up with someone after they say that? When we fight, I feel like it’s a product of the fact that we’re growing apart in general, and should break up. He says, “I don’t want us to break up just because of the long-distance thing,” as if that the only thing wrong with our relationship is distance…it’s not. I love him. But I don’t think I want to marry him.
He says that if we break up he wouldn’t know what to do with his life…I feel trapped, like I’m only staying in this relationship to keep him happy. His life in general isn’t so hot right now (traffic violation court date, broken arm, crappy friends), and he frequently tells me that I’m the only good thing in his life. So how do I tell him I don’t want to be in his life anymore?
Don’t Want To Be Cruel, Just Don’t Want To Be With You Anymore
Dear Oy,
You…tell him that. “I don’t want to be cruel, but I don’t want to be with you anymore.” “I’m sorry, but this relationship isn’t working for me anymore.” “I can’t be with you. I’m unhappy, so I’m ending things.”
He’s going to be hurt; there’s no way around it. He’s not compatible with you; there’s no way around that, either. You don’t get to break up with a guy and have him not get hurt or mad, but if you want an omelet, you’ve got to break some damn eggs.
Sitting on the other end of the phone all “…eesh” whenever he brings up getting married isn’t really any less cruel than cutting him loose and moving on — and letting him move on. You’re giving him false hope, and you’re letting something you don’t want run your life. Grow a pair and break it off, because it doesn’t sound to me like you do love him, actually. It sounds like you’re used to having a boyfriend, but you’ve just got done saying it’s not enough, so: end it.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette NYC rando the fam workplace
