The Vine: April 29, 2004
This is in response question about speech patterns from Wednesday, 4/28/04.
I took a linguistics class last semester and learned about glottal stop and dialects and vernaculars. All that good stuff.
There were some disagreements about lazy language and just plain not knowing all the propers. A lot of people snickered when we saw examples of many different dialects and speech patterns. Anyone who didn’t speak Standard English was considered less intelligent. In the example given yesterday, specifically the Salt and Pepper “suh’en,” this is a pronunciation I would consider cultural. The “oh, no! You DI’en!” would also fall under the same category for me. On occasion I also speak this way (at home, with family and friends). At work and school I am very careful about making these small mistakes.
I love the nuances in dialects and vernaculars but am confused about sounding intelligent and continuing to add these somewhat cultural elements to a language that can otherwise be very boring if everyone sounds the same. I understood that even though these speech patterns were unfavorable, they still followed the rules and patterns of more acceptable speech patterns. What do you think? Is this true?
Don’t want to sound stupid
Dear Don’t,
I think it’s true that dialects, or what I call “regional Englishes,” have rules and patterns particular to them, and those rules and patterns govern them more than the rules of written English — and before you judge relative intelligence based on a person’s speech, you have to figure out the context in which she’s speaking and whether she’s following the rules in that context. If I’m using a day trip to the beach to illustrate some prepositional rule, or discussing such a trip in, say, a book review, I’ll use “down to the shore.” In normal conversation, though, I say “down the shore,” because that’s how we do it in the N.J.
It’s a fascinating question — the way different people will approach the language depending on their backgrounds, what they like to read, where they grew up, and a host of other factors — but as tempting as it is to draw conclusions about intelligence based on verbal expression, it’s a mistake, and you can’t necessarily come to any conclusions about education, either. I went to Princeton with people who couldn’t pick a verb out of a line-up, and then on the other hand you’ve got Buck O’Neil, who I believe was done with his formal schooling by the age of twelve, if not before, but the way he tells a story, it’s like music. If you write out what he says, it doesn’t look like much, but when you hear it…O’Neil does more with an “uhhhh huh” than most of us do all day. And you’ve also got Big Tom on Survivor. You can think of him as a mushmouthed hick, or you can listen to all the things he brings to a voice-over that nobody else on the show can. I pick up a new figure of speech from that guy every week.
I don’t know if that really answers your question, but I guess my answer is that you have to distinguish between spoken and written English, and you have to determine the context, before you draw any larger conclusions about smarts based on language. I mean, yeah, I look like a smartypants with the language stuff (…most of the time), but my checkbook could make a grown man cry and Ray Charles reads a better map than I do. “Ain’t” ain’t a surefire indicator of anything.
Dear Sars,
You seem to be wise in the ways of handling problem housemates, so I
will submit my question here.
I have a roommate. Actually, I have two roommates, but the second one
is decent. In a few weeks, I am leaving these roommates, and here is
why:
Six months ago, I had a friend. She was a good friend who lived in a
bad, bad place. “Thanksgiving dinner bought with food stamps and
personal belongings being sold to pay the bills” bad. “Verbally abusive
mother spending her days smoking weed and telling her daughter how
awful she was” bad. With her mother disabled, her father laid off, and
this friend unable to find a job in this small, economically depressed
town, I plunked down the cash to get an apartment and helped her move
into my city with me. I hooked her up with a job at my office, which
is large enough for us to not have to see each other at work. We got a
place big enough for her long-distance boyfriend to join us, as he was
also a friend of mine, and I felt all was hunky-dory.
I should have heeded the oft-mentioned advice of never moving in with
your friends. I don’t know whether it was because she didn’t know what
to do with herself without a verbally abusive parent to fight with, or
whether she decided I was a target to take her bad moods out on
(something she admitted she needs to do). Maybe it was because of her
feeling guilty over being indebted to me (something I never, ever held
over her head. She did just fine at repaying me without being bugged
about it). Maybe it was just some big personality differences. For
whatever reason, she heaped all sorts of negativity on me, and I
proceeded to think less and less of her as the months passed. I holed
myself up in my room because everything I said and did became cause for
her deciding I was annoying, unreliable, bitchy, et cetera. Long
story, many details, not the point so I will spare them for you.
She eventually decided she no longer had to be civil with me one night,
and made an official declaration of it. Since I was already hiding in
my room, keeping my food in a box and avoiding speaking to her to avoid
conflict, I decided it had gone too far. With no chance of domestic
peace, I looked into the option of moving out. I discovered it was
quite possible for me to manage on my own, and informed her that I
would do so in a little over one month’s time. If her boyfriend, who
also lived with us, got off his computer long enough to get a job,
they’d be able to peacefully sign me off the lease and be able to make
ends meet without me. Since I’m obviously such an irritating person to
live with, they should be happier for it too.
Of couse, she flew completely off the handle at that.
Now, I am a bitch, I am a hypocrite, I was just taking advantage of her
to get away from my (happy, harmonious, my-parents-are-awesome) house,
and everything wrong with the state of the apartment and the relations
of its residents, is entirely my fault. Even duties that weren’t mine
are my fault for being neglected. And because I am such a bad person,
and because I screwed them over by giving them only about five weeks to
get her boyfriend a job, she is going to kill any pets I leave with her
when I go (we have rats, some are hers and some are mine, but if I
don’t take all of them with me, the remainder will be given away as
snake food).
That’s how dirty she’s fighting this.
I’ve got the rats part figured out, I’m just going to take them all
with me. I don’t trust her to be merely venting anger on that
twice-repeated threat. But her boyfriend is lazy to the point of not
being able to put his own pizza box in the fridge, and he is unable to
drive in a city with only mediocre public transportation, so his
chances of actually getting a job aren’t spectactular. If he does,
though, wonderful. The below two paragraphs will not apply.
So the idea was concocted between me, my parents, and a level-headed
friend, that if he fails to find work, to hand her a check upon my
leaving for my share of two months’ rent, the reletting fee of this
apartment, with it documented on said check that the purpose of the
money is to default on the lease. If I really was just taking
advantage of her, she can go ahead and move back in with her own
parents, or try to find a smaller place with her boyfriend.
So my question, oh wise and opinionated Sars, is this: if she decides
to play really dirty with me, and decides not to default on the lease
and force me to pay up more, or worse, drag my credit down with hers as
she fails to make rent three months from now (things I would not put it
past her to do at this point), can I hold the documentation on the
check against said decisions if she tried to make an even bigger scene?
Never going to have friends as roommates again,
What Just Happened?
Dear What?,
Why would you put yourself in the position of defaulting on the lease? She’s a psychotic bitch who threatened to kill animals to keep you in line. If your name is on the lease, you need to bring the problem to your landlord, you need to tell your roommate she’s got two weeks to move out, and you need to put her shit out on the curb and change the locks at the end of that two weeks, period.
It’s one thing just to throw up your hands and move out to keep the peace and get out of a bad situation, and I understand that that’s what you want to do here, but to risk your entire credit rating when she’s at fault, in the vain hope that she won’t screw you any further? Because that hope is vain, make no mistake.
Go talk to your landlord. Explain the entire situation. Get the lease put under your roommate’s name so that she’s responsible, or, if that’s not possible, kick her and her boyfriend the fuck out. You should have done that the first time you found yourself snacking out of the food box in your room, and you’ll have to grit your teeth, call your biggest and meanest friends over, and do it now.
Dear Sars,
There’s this guy — I’ll call him “Jake.” Jake and I met in 2002, when we attended the same college (his cousin, a friend of mine, introduced us). There was an immediate attraction, but I vowed not to act on it, for three reasons:
1) I was “sort of” (read: trying to get back together) with my ex.
2) Jake was “too young for me” (four and a half years).
3) Jake came off as a player.
But we got to be pretty good friends. We eventually discovered that we have a LOT in common (both in terms of interests and personality traits). One night, we drunkenly confessed to our crushes on each other — but at this point, I HAD gotten back with my ex, and thought I was “over” my crush on Jake (I confessed to a “former” crush). So again, nothing happened. Soon afterward, Jake moved back home (six and a half hours away). We continued to talk frequently, and again, became closer friends. All of his friends kept telling me how crazy he was about me.
Over the summer, my ex and I broke up again. A week later, I visited Jake for a couple days. We had a lot of fun, but kept things totally platonic — with the exception of one simple kiss. Still, I was a little freaked out because I had JUST broken up with my ex — it was too soon.
It quickly became clear that Jake and I both still had feelings for each other. We got together again about a month later — for a week and a half, this time. Nothing major happened (not even PG-13!), but we discussed a lot, and again, it was very clear that we were both interested. Jake kept making comments like, “I wouldn’t even mind if it had to be long-distance; I’ve liked you from Day 1.” I still wasn’t ready for a new relationship, but I guess I began to reconsider. The age difference no longer seemed like a problem, and he seemed to sincerely care about me — he remembered little things; he kept the heat on in his car because I was cold, even though he was sweating; he volunteered to stop for coffee whenever we went out (he knows I have a caffeine addiction); and when I returned home, he had emailed me to tell me that he “has a hard time being serious in person, but it really meant a lot” that I came to see him. Little things. And he’d sign online “just to say goodnight” before going to bed.
So what happened? Well, at first, I freaked out and sort of pushed him away. I kept insisting that he “wouldn’t really want to deal with me” once he knew what he was getting into, and stuff like that. I kept insisting that I had far too many issues to be worthy of his admiration. And that I’d probably end up hurting him, or he’d end up hurting me. And that I was still totally in love with my ex, and could never be with anyone else. Hell, I flat-out TOLD him, “I push guys away, so I don’t have to get too attached and then get hurt.” He told me he tends to do the same with girls.
So…just as I was beginning to come around…HE started to back off. He was hanging out with this other girl a lot, and I thought that he had feelings for her. I never said anything to him about it, but I took that as an explanation for why he suddenly seemed distant. I did, however, talk to his sister about it, and it got back to him. So he got mad at me for “not confronting him,” then told me that he did, in fact, still like me — and hadn’t liked anyone else — and that nothing had changed between us. He continued to be somewhat distant, but he blamed it on the stress of re-entering school and working full-time. He was also having problems with some friends.
We saw each other again a few months later. This time, it was in the context of what was basically a week-long party (both of us staying with friends). We hung out, but it wasn’t really any sort of romantic situation. I decided that he just didn’t see me that way anymore.
We returned home, and while talking to him one night, he — out of the blue — apologized for “being distant the past few months,” claiming a lot of stress and “things he had to take care of” regarding school, work, and family situations. He again implied romantic interest, via several comments/actions, but remained a bit aloof the rest of the time. Wondering whether he was now pushing ME away, I sent him a letter explaining my feelings for him as clearly as possible — along with the fact that I pushed him away before because I was scared and not ready.
…which brings us to recent developments. We’d been flirting a little more, recently, and having some serious conversations (normally, he won’t discuss things that bother him…but he does with me, when things are going well between us), and he’d even been doing the “cute” things again, like signing online “just to say goodnight.” He invited me to visit him for a week over Christmas break. I repeatedly asked when would be a good time for him, and he repeatedly told me “whenever you want.” Finally, I chose a week, and checked with him. He informed me that he had to work on one specific day, but otherwise, it was up to me — he could probably get a few other days off work. So I went ahead and requested the week off, and let him know.
A few days before I was supposed to leave, he told me, “I don’t think this is going to be a good week for you to visit — I couldn’t get those days off work.” I told him that it was too late for me to change my work schedule. He said I could still visit if I wanted to, but it might be boring. It didn’t seem like he still wanted to see me, so I said it was up to him. He kept insisting that “of course” he wanted to see me; he just didn’t want me to be bored. Finally I said that UNLESS he didn’t want me to, I’d still visit that week — I’d just hang out with his cousin when he had to work. So it was settled.
The DAY before I was to leave, I talked to him on the phone at 3 AM. All plans were still on — he even asked what time I was coming, and suggested I get there early to attend a party with him. Twelve hours later, I got a text message telling me, “I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come down. I couldn’t get those days off work and my apartment is a disaster. Really not a good idea.”
We’d already discussed all of that! So what changed in 12 hours? Immediate reaction: he just didn’t want to see me. But then why did he invite me in the first place? And then go so far as to continue making plans up until the last minute (when he knew I now had a week off work for nothing)?
We didn’t talk for the entire week that I would’ve been out there…then yesterday, he messaged me that he quit his job after “the week from hell” (his way of trying to reiterate that work was the only reason he bailed on me). He was also talking to me like nothing had changed…and as much as I want to stay mad at him, I found myself unable to do so.
Despite logic, I still like him! And every time I decide that he doesn’t like ME anymore, he does something to convince me otherwise. He initiates the majority of our conversations, so I know he enjoys talking to me…I know he trusts me (because he does talk to me about his problems), and I know he’s attracted to me…what I don’t know is why he’s so hot and cold all the time! To my knowledge (and that of his family and friends), there hasn’t been anyone else. So is he pushing me away like I did to him before, or just playing some sort of cruel game with me, or what? Our “crush” has been going on (sometimes stronger than others) for about 15 months now!
Thanks for ANY insight,
Hopeless Romantic…emphasis on HOPELESS
Dear Hopeless,
Yeah, he’s pushing you away, and I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, like to get back at you or whatever, but the why doesn’t matter; he told you that he tends to do that, and you’ve seen hurtful evidence that he spoke the truth. Maybe he’s scared of commitment in general, maybe he’s scared of commitment to you specifically, but again, it doesn’t matter why he’s doing it. He’s doing it — repeatedly.
So far, you’ve accepted his excuses for withdrawing, because you want him to like you and you want it to not be your fault. We’ve all done that, and we’ve all beaten ourselves up for doing it and getting suckered, and you shouldn’t blame yourself for being a hope-ful romantic, but eventually you have to 1) recognize that the excuses are just that and 2) stop accepting them.
You let him know very directly what you wanted. He couldn’t deliver. It sucks, but that’s that. Stay friends with him if you like, but put paid to the idea that he’s going to make a good boyfriend, or any boyfriend at all, because it’s not happening.
Dear Sars,
I’ll try to make a long story short, though I don’t know if I can. I’m 27
and live on my own and am in what is pretty much my second real relationship
ever. I am white and my boyfriend is black. You can probably see where
this is going. Even though my boyfriend is a wonderful, educated man who
treats me like a princess, my dad’s racist tendencies flared up and he is on
record as being against this relationship. Well, whatever. I’m an adult
and have to live my own life and will continue my relationship quite
happily.
The real problem is that my brother is getting married next year. My father
has stated that if I bring my boyfriend to the wedding he will not attend.
I’m tempted to bring my boyfriend anyway and let my dad miss out since I
feel it’s his problem, but I realize that my brother and
future sister-in-law’s special day is not the place to make a scene (and
even if my father were absent, there would most likely be scene-making on
the part of my father’s side of the family). So for the time being I have
told my brother I won’t be attending the wedding and I have had to decline
the offer to be a bridesmaid, which I’m really disappointed about. My
brother and future sister-in-law are sad about this, but they understand my
decision. I don’t feel that I can go to the wedding by myself because if my
boyfriend were white there would be no question of his inclusion in family
occasions. I feel I would be saying to my boyfriend, “I love you and think
how my family treats you is wrong but I’m not willing to stand by you.”
So what do I do? I have talked to my dad in a civil way (no yelling) and he
refuses to budge on this point. I have thought about sneaking us into the
church to see just the ceremony and skipping the reception, but why should I
have to act like a criminal or like I’m ashamed of my relationship when I’m
not? And what about my damaged relationship with my father? Granted, we
weren’t the closest to begin with and it’s only been a couple of weeks since
we hashed eveything out, but even now I get a sick feeling when I hear his
voice on the phone and I’ve avoided seeing him. I can’t imagine wanting him
to be involved in my life again because all I can think about is how racist
he is and how he can’t get over it for the sake of his own children.
Should I just get over it and let it go? Is there something I can do
between now and the wedding to get my dad to change his mind? Do I stand by
my boyfriend and miss my brother’s wedding? Any insight you can share would
be appreciated.
Signed,
Wedding bell blues
Dear Bell,
Leave your dad out of the decision-making process. You tried to deal with his bigotry and the resulting emotional blackmail, it didn’t work because he’s an asshole, end of story. He’s going to do what he wants to do, but I think you should focus on what your brother and his fiancée want — it’s their wedding, not his, and while I don’t think you want to put them in the position of having to choose between you, I also don’t think you should back down so quickly. Again, if your father wants to act like a petulant child, it’s up to him, and if he misses your brother’s wedding because you have a black boyfriend, let him explain that to your brother. Let him try to defend that decision.
If your brother knows what’s going on, I think you should tell him, “Look, I would really like to attend, I would really like to participate, and I know you want Dad there, but this is complete and utter bullshit and I want you to back me up here. He’s using your wedding as leverage against me, I don’t want to put up with it, and I don’t think you should put up with it either.”
I don’t understand why your brother hasn’t already told your dad to go fuck himself for putting him in the middle, never mind that he’s a racist and a giant fucking baby, but if your bro is going to tolerate that, at your expense, he’s as big an asshole as your father and to hell with them both. Call your father’s bluff, go, dance, drink champagne, and let them suck on it.
Sars:
I’m not the type of person who generally asks other
people for advice on anything, least of all
relationships, but I am running out of ideas.
Here’s the story in a nutshell: My girlfriend and I
met online. Not uncommon. However, we did/do have an
uncommonly successful relationship, more so than most
relationships that started in reality. It was
approximately one year before we actually met in
person and we, more or less, completely hit it off and
fell for one another even harder. After that was a
series of meetings in which one of us would travel to
the other and stay for a bit. After each trip the
relationship became even stronger.
We are both openly
and plainly deeply in love with each other, but the
loneliness and separation is hell, to put it lightly.
Recently Jess (or so we shall name her) found a guy
that she has become very strongly attracted to, but
mostly only in a physical manner as far as I know.
This guy is only a few miles from her, whereas I am
half a country away. She was kind enough to ask me how
I would feel about her having him for someone to keep
her happy physically during the times that I am not
there. I want nothing but her happiness, but I could
not bring myself to say that I wouldn’t mind, as much
as I wanted to.
After this, there were a few days of discussing it and
such, but I still couldn’t say that I wouldn’t mind.
Ever since then, I have felt like I was a controlling
dictator-like boyfriend and it bothers me incessantly.
My questions are for my own peace of mind, I think,
which I haven’t been graced with since the issue came
up:
1) Am I too controlling in saying, basically, “Choose
him or me”?
2) I can understand where she is coming from in
wanting someone to be there for her physically, as I
feel the same thing; however, when I get lonely I want
to talk to her, not be with someone else. Am I unusual
in this aspect and is that why I can’t just say go
ahead?
3) I admit that I become jealous easily, but am I
being too jealous in this issue?
4) Am I wrong for not wanting her to be with him too?
Signed,
Life’s punching bag
Dear Bag,
In order: No, no, no, and no.
It’s one thing to want happiness for her; it’s another thing to ruin your own happiness by giving her permission to fuck another guy if it’s not what you want.
The two of you need to have a frank, serious talk about your respective understandings of what the relationship means and includes. Some people can negotiate a non-monogamous relationship, but if you aren’t one of those people, you need to tell her that — that you do in fact expect her to remain faithful to you, and if she really can’t do that, you’ll have a problem.
Don’t be afraid to tell her the truth about what you want. Yes, it’s a long-distance relationship, and yes, she gets lonely, but — so? God gave her a right hand, same as the rest of us, and if she wants to reap the rewards of a relationship with you, she’s going to have to make some sacrifices, too.
And maybe she’s not going to want to make those sacrifices. Maybe she’s going to get all “I could have just slept with him and never told you, so there” about it, or give you a bunch of grief about your hang-ups. But they aren’t hang-ups; they’re your feelings, so get them out there. Tell her you can’t live with her sleeping with anyone else if she’s with you; tell her she has to choose. She might not choose you, which will suck, it’s true. You know what else will suck? Sitting at home knowing she’s out getting it on with Local Guy and trying not to picture it in your head, resenting her, feeling like you’re going to barf all the time, and eventually breaking up with her anyway.
She’s a big girl; she can act like it. Nix Local Guy and feel good about it.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar roommates the fam
To follow up on my old letter: Turns out just screwing him and not telling me is exactly what she did. She started a month after this letter was posted and stopped the day I arrived for a 3 month long stay. She read this response, so I really hope me asking about the situation isn’t what gave her the idea.
We’ve been friends for 18 years, together for 13 years, married for 5 years and she finally told me 3 months ago. Now I wish I had just made the choice for us and broken up with her back then.