The Vine: April 29, 2009
I have a question for you and/or the readers, and it’s kind of a dating etiquette question, but with legal overtones too.
A few weeks ago I met the Guy on a blind date, and we’re both pleasantly surprised at how much we liked each other from the get-go, it’s pretty darn neat. Things seem to be getting more serious at a nice, leisurely pace.
The legal part doesn’t relate to him at all really, it’s nothing spectacularly awful, but it has to do with money owed or not owed, around $500, but I’m starting to think a lawyer would be a good idea. My workplace has a decent employee assistance program, and I’ve already had my free consultation; further questions would have to be paid for hourly, which I might do, though of course I’m hoping I don’t have to, since the fees might be more than the money in question. The consultation was fine, a few questions answered, but it posed some trickier ones that are more in-depth than a free consultation can handle.
So here’s the question: the Guy is an attorney. General practice, and the issue is probably something he knows a bit about. But…I’m hesitating to ask him about it. If we’d been together for a while of course I’d ask him for help, it’s what you do in a relationship. But the “relationship” is real REAL new, so new I still have to put quotes around it. I know I’m an overthinker by trade, but the cons of asking seem to outweigh the pros.
Con: he might go “wow, drama already? I think I’ll pass.” Or he might, as many professionals do, get annoyed that he works in this field all day and now in his down time someone ELSE is asking questions. (I mean, if I have to pay a retainer to anyone I’d MUCH rather pay HIM, but that’s a whole different set of awkwardness.) And I know he’d never think it, never, but…gah, the idea that he’d think I was hanging out with him for free legal advice. Yuck.
The pros are convenience of course, talking to someone I trust too, and also maybe he’d get to feel like he was the big macho lawyer coming to the rescue. (I think he’s totally macho anyway, but I’m biased.)
Yeah, I know, WAY overthinking this. Still, though, I’m interested in your knee-jerk reaction.(Or the opinion of any attorney readers out there.) Do I handle this on my own (which I totally can, it’s only a little scary, not world-shaking) or am I slighting him by not asking his opinion? As a lawyer, would you want someone you just started seeing to tell you about it?
As Problems Go It’s Kinda The Kind You WANT To Have
Dear Kinda,
I wouldn’t ask him.I can’t generalize about whether attorneys find this sort of thing irritating; it depends on the attorney, but it’s a preference specific to the person, I’d imagine, not to the job.
But I’m not comfortable trading on the professional expertise of someone with whom I have a personal relationship, not without offering up front to pay.I’m not talking about sitting around drinking beer and spit-balling hypotheticals; I mean something like, “Hey, remember when we used to ride bikes?Yeah, that was fun.So can you redraft my will?”Not that you’re doing that; I’m just clarifying the difference.
From the other side, same thing.Asking me a grammar question in passing is obviously fine; asking me to proof a 50-page document for free and not offering to pay is not going to happen for you.For a boyfriend of some standing, obviously it’s a bit different, but in that case, he’d already know the situation and he’d offer to help, or not.
That said, I don’t think there’s any harm in asking him more or less what you’ve just asked me here — asking him about asking him, in other words, just to clear the air.And you don’t have to keep the situation a secret; you can mention it in passing and get his opinion.But you should retain separate, formal counsel, not only to avoid presuming upon the personal relationship but also because paying-client status will serve you better on the legal matter.
Hi Sars,
I have been dating a wonderful person for about nine months. We were both previously in long-term (eight- and nine-year) relationships, but my husband moved out two Christmases ago and he was asked to leave by his partner shortly after she had their baby.
I own a house in the same city where we work; he rents a condo in the city where he used to live. His lease will be up in a few months and he wants to move in with me.
I’m deeply uncomfortable with the idea: I never lived with my husband before we were married by mutual consent, and it’s just not something I’m interested in doing.Also, I have a 5-year-old son and my mother despises my boyfriend, so I’m not 100% comfortable having him officially move in when it would cause so much stress.
The problem is that I have more or less let him move in with me for the past five months.Since September, I can count the number of times he’s spent at his apartment by himself on both hands.He knows that I’m not comfortable with him moving in officially, but he has no problem living out of a couple of drawers.He suffers from bouts of intense depression, and just about every time he has been away from me for the night, he’s spiralled and done self-destructive, pre-suicidal things.
I know that I shouldn’t feel that I need to protect him from himself, but there’s a part of me that just says, “He’s a good guy, why are you getting hung up about a situation that won’t happen if he moves in?”
Plus, I have friends who think that it’s ridiculous to pay two rents when he’s likely going to move in when/if we get married (and this person is a priest who married another priest without having premarital sex).
Should I let him rent until we figure it out, or have I been leading him on by not kicking him out?I sort of wish he was more psychologically independent before we got into anything really serious, but I trusted my husband and he turned out not so nice.
Confused in Cohabitation
Dear Coco,
Your friends can think whatever they want; it isn’t their life, and it isn’t about paying two rents.Your boyfriend isn’t stable and he isn’t dealing with that, and before he lives with you and a small child, officially or otherwise, you need to know — or at least think that most of the time — he can handle his shit.
This doesn’t mean he’s not a good guy.It means he doesn’t have his shit together, and moving in and making that adjustment is hard enough; it really shouldn’t be about one party needing the other to move in so that he doesn’t fall apart.You can’t fix his life and you shouldn’t try at the expense of your own.
And then, there’s this: “I sort of wish he was more psychologically independent before we got into anything really serious, but I trusted my husband and he turned out not so nice.”Listen up: your husband has nothing to do with this, that’s A.B, if you don’t want to get into anything really serious, don’t.If he’s over all the time and you’re fine with that, then leave it there, but if you wish he’d spend more time at his own home, say so.If you don’t want something heavy-duty, or a commitment on that level, don’t agree to one.
Not for nothing, but “he was asked to leave by his partner shortly after she had their baby,” and your mother hates him, and the…priest in the what now?Something about this guy ain’t quite right.Yeah, I’m sure there’s an explanation; there allllways is.But you know something ain’t quite right too, so don’t ignore your instincts and don’t submit to the pressure of your friends or the guy if you don’t really want him to move in.Fear of getting hurt again by an S.O. is one thing, but that’s not the fear I’m picking up here.
“It’s just not something I’m interested in doing.”I realize it won’t be that simple to “sell it upstairs,” believe me, but it is in fact perfectly adequate reason not to do it, and you really shouldn’t.
Hi Sars,
I’m not sure if this is an unique problem, but I’ve never seen it addressed in an advice column (and I’ve looked, believe me).I’m asking you because I like your style, and also because this is one of those things I can never say out loud to another human being, it just sounds so bad.
I don’t understand why all of my relationships, both romantic and platonic, are so intense.I don’t think I’m an “intense” person, although it would be fair to say I have a “strong personality” (I’ve always been opinionated, outspoken, and a little rebellious).I’m also drama-adverse, I like a lot of personal space, and I don’t get easily emotionally attached.
For some reason, though, it seems that other people get easily emotionally attached to me.(See what I mean?I sound like a delusional narcissist.But I am not trying to come off like I am the coolest person who ever lived — in fact, I’m sure this is MY flaw, I just can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong or how to fix it.)
When I was in elementary school, a slumber party devolved into all of the girls mad and crying about who was my best friend and accusing each other of trying to sabotage their friendships with me.When I got into minor squabbles with a friend, the rest of my friends would take my side, leaving the other girl completely ostracized until I decided it was okay to be friends again.This kind of stuff made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, even as a kid.
Now I’m almost 30 years old, and I still talk to most of the people I was close with in high school.Some are still my closest friends, some I grew apart from and yet I still get phone calls from them a few times a year to “catch up.”
I have made a few new friends in the last couple of years, but all of those friendships have at one time reached a point where I was feeling smothered and I had to step back for a while.And these are good people who are good friends, they just inexplicably became clingy, wanting to hang out all the time, felt hurt if I did things without them, etc.
I have only had two boyfriends.I was with the first for three years, two of which we were living together.I was with my second boyfriend for four years.I ended both of these relationships, and they both probably lasted a bit longer than they should have because I was hoping they would break up with me first.
A very close friend sends me love letters several times a year since we were 18.We’ve never so much as kissed, and he’s had serious relationships with other girls, but the letters come anyway.He laughs about it and says it’s a soul-love that he feels even when he’s deeply in love with someone else.
I once went on a date with a guy who was just visiting my town for a few weeks, but he continued to call and email me (not in a romantic way, more like a pen pal) for months.I had a one-night stand while on vacation in a foreign country, and that guy called and left voice messages asking me to come visit him, asking if he could come visit me, until I changed my number.I was stalked by a guy I worked on a group project with in college — five years after the class ended.
And it’s not like I have some kind of animal magnetism.I’ve always had a few close friends rather than a large group of not-so-close friends.Other than my two long-term relationships, I can count the number of dates I’ve had on one hand.I feel like people either barely notice I exist, or they become obsessed with me.
What can I do, Sars?I just want to have normal, healthy, casual relationships with other people.I want to go on a date and be disappointed when he doesn’t call for a second date.I don’t think I’m seeking out unstable/obsessive people, because most of the individuals I’ve referred to in this letter have normal, healthy, casual relationships with other people who are not me (except for the stalker, obvs).
I also don’t think I encourage the intensity — rather than feeling flattered at the attention or whatever you want to call it, it makes me uncomfortable and, quite frankly, a little frightened for my personal safety if this pattern continues.What do you think?Do I need to be psychoanalyzed?Become a nun?Just get over myself?
All or Nothing
Dear All,
Okay, I do think that you should stop blaming yourself, in the sense of saying it’s your flaw and worrying that you have to fix it — it isn’t anything in your essential nature that’s bad.However, I do detect a certain passivity on your part in these situations.
Leaving aside the slumber party, because this kind of drama is a staple of grade-school-girl slumber parties and the victims are almost random, and also leaving aside the stalker because…well, stalker, I see these situations that you don’t like, that make you feel uncomfortable and conflicted, situations that occur over and over.I don’t see you doing anything to put a stop to them.
Let’s go through the letter.Slumber party, we’re not counting.Old friends from high school: it’s hard to say whether you wanted to stay close with the ones you stayed close with, or whether you just let that happen.The ones you feel you grew apart from, well, you continue to accept their calls and to catch up with them.They still know your current address.You don’t have to cut them off, but if you don’t want to do the catch-up phoners anymore, caller ID is not a recent technology; you can stop picking up calls from numbers not on your approved list, or begging off after 5-10 minutes.
Good friends who inexplicably became clingy: had you been hanging out with them all the time before?Had you been doing everything with them before?And then you stopped?You have every right to do that; the other people have every right to wonder why.If you don’t set boundaries, not everyone is going to know where they are (see: the rest of The Vine).
Both your serious boyfriends: you hoped they’d break up with you first.This is the main plank in my “you don’t take control of these situations” platform, frankly; the rest of it is just a sense I get from your diction, and from knowing that women are socialized to think that not wanting to respond to attention in kind is rude, we should be flattered, dance with them what brung ya, et cetera.And nobody wants to initiate the breakup conversation, so I feel you.But you were done, and you didn’t say so, either time.
The close friend who sends you love letters: why haven’t you told him to stop?Why don’t you just throw them away?It’s not really a friendship anymore; he’s in love with you, and you tolerate it.It’s not really acceptable for either of you, so why not tell him, “Friend, I care about you, but not in that way, so stop putting me in this position”?
On and on it goes like this, the pen-pal guy who kept calling…why’d you keep picking up?No, it didn’t do any harm, I guess, and you didn’t dislike him, but then here he is in this letter about how you want to figure out how not to encourage people like him.
It may sound to you like I am in fact blaming you; I’m not.But I do think you have to readjust your understanding of what “encouragement” can look like, and for a lot of people, it’s identical to “no active dis-couragement.”Sometimes people project their ideas of what’s going on onto you; sometimes people don’t get hints; sometimes they’re stalkers and it’s just bad wiring.But in your case, you’re continuing to receive this attention that you don’t want and then wondering why the attentive haven’t figured out you don’t want it.
So.Go buy The Gift of Fear and read it.It’s not because you had a stalker; it’s because you have to learn that not wanting attention is okay even in situations where it’s not about danger.Then, remind yourself whenever you have to that a person does not have to be dangerous or an out-and-out asshole for you not to be interested in spending time with them.It doesn’t make him, or you, a bad person; it just means you aren’t interested, and that is okay.
And from now on, when a friend or a date is annoying you, behaving inappropriately, or making you uncomfortable, say so, require that they stop, and leave the situation if they don’t.This is not easy, you will not do it perfectly, and it can feel really unnatural and harsh, but if you’re tired of feeling controlled by other people’s emotions about you, you’ll have to take control.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships
@bossyboots – hehe “unstable all-stars.” Sounds like your exes and my exes should date! Preferably far away from us and all of humanity.
@ Morgan, from way up thread: Everything you said. 100%. CoCo’s boyfriend is manipulative, whether or not he’s doing it consciously. He does not have to be a bad guy for this to happen. We are taught to ignore our instincts when we should be taught to honor them above all else. If it feels wrong, it IS.
I spent three years in a verbally abusive relationship. It has taken me two long and hard years to understand that at almost every turn, I was being controlled and manipulated. I had a hand in that, certainly, but I didn’t know how to recognize things as controlling. They just made me feel uneasy and I brushed over it.
Since we are recommending must reads, I highly recommend Controlling People, by Patricia Evans. It’s an excellent start to recognizing manipulation and control, and ways to extract yourself from those situations.
Good luck, CoCo. It’s a tough path, but there are a lot of us walking it with you. Not to be overly sentimental, but I felt my heart swell as I read the comments, in that way it does when you realize that you are not alone, and that so many others have experienced what you have and survived. You can do it.
Coco,
Here is my summary to add to the chorus, since I was in a similar situation a while back:
Mental illness does not give anyone the right to be an asshole. Mental illness does not give anyone the right to be selfish, or to treat others badly. Period!
Just because he has issues with depression or whatever else, does not mean that he gets to steamroller over your life, your wants and your needs, and especially not those of your child. I second the commenter who said, PLEASE, change your locks NOW and get that guy OUT of there. I understand being afraid of confrontation, and that it was much easier to just let things continue and let his stuff keep coming into the place, but I truly hope this can be the kick in the pants that wakes you up before something truly disastrous happens. Please.
@AllorNothing: Everything that Sars said. My best friend has a habit of dating guys with depression issues and couldn’t figure out why…until she understood that, subconsiously, she likes to be needed. It’s not a horrible trait. But if you’re unaware of it, it can land you in situations you do not like. So look at whether, despite what you think you know about yourself, you do like having the attention–being pursued. Just being aware of it may help you boatloads.
Also? “dance with them what brung ya” is a delightful saying.
CoCo,
To add one more voice to the chorus – in addition to all the other extremely valid objections already voiced – I’m no lawyer, but if he’s living in your house and paying part of your mortgage, he may immediately become entitled to a share of that property. The longer he stays, the more secure his grip becomes.
If things do not work out with this man, do you really want him to be able to make legal claims over your property? YOUR property that provides a secure place for you and YOUR son to live?
If the best reasons you can come up with for him moving in are ‘so he can start becoming part-owner of my property instead of paying rent’ and ‘so he won’t kill himself’, no wonder you still feel deeply uncomfortable about the whole thing!
He needs to move back out, or not finish moving in. You’re a mom, not a suicide watch team.
CoCo…please, please don’t let him move the rest of his things in. Call your friends. Call your mother. Look at your little boy…as a mother myself, I am begging you to protect him from a mentally unstable man moving into his home, and to save yourself the grief that looking back and wishing to God you had made a different and better decision will bring. You sound like a sweet, compassionate, loving, and completely overwhelmed person. You don’t need to carry everything you’ve got, and the best thing to put down is this person who is bringing so much that it wrong into your life. Then, focus on yourself, and, with the compassion you so clearly have for others, understand why you let the situation get as far as it did, when it took so much out of you. And hug your son so tight he wiggles a little to try make you loosen up — but don’t let him loose at all.
@Mel – nope. If his name isn’t on the title, he doesn’t acquire rights by paying part of the mortgage. It’s rent, even without a written agreement.
On the matter of divorce decrees, this is awesome, because I can cover two letters at once!
(1) The idea that you would automatically lose custody for having a live-in boyfriend under a standard divorce decree sounds wrong to me.
HOWEVER.
(2) I never did family law, and I am absolutely not an expert on family law, let alone family law in your state, which I don’t even know what state it is by the way, and I have no idea what your divorce decree says, and I am largely applying common sense and have not much better of an idea than a layperson of whether that’s the case or not (Lisa apparently works for a judge, and she’s telling you it’s true with her judge and OH MY GOD is it ever true that you have to make allowances for different judges having different heads), which is why…
lawyers don’t give advice about any old damn thing just because they’re lawyers, and shouldn’t.
TA-DA! We have achieved synergy.
Seriously, being a lawyer doesn’t make me know the answer to that question; it’s more that…I know how I would answer that question if I had to. I know where to look; I don’t know what I would find.
i told him i needed him to find an apartment. over the phone, because he’s spending the evening with his son. i had tears rolling down my cheeks, the whole bit. he was very calm about it. i think we’ll be able to do this without breaking up, but i was sure going into it that i would pay that price if i had to.
thanks to everyone who was so concerned. so much protection can be a bit scary when i’m used to doing it alone so much of the time.
as to my son, one of the reasons i was so sure i wanted to end the pregnancy last week was because i wanted to be a good mom for my son; i will always choose him first. that’s one of the few sane things my mom said to me, that i have to be extra careful with him and take extra good care of him at all times; not to let my watch slip because it was convenient. i took that advice, not because i was scared that my boyfriend would take advantage, but because it made me a better mom (more connected, less lazy).
thanks again, everyone.
@Elissa – thanks – it’s different where I come from!
I’m sure you’ll second-guess yourself a hundred thousand times — that’s what you do with the big decisions, but for what it’s worth, I think you made the right one.
Either way: YOU made it. Atta girl.
@Coco,
Well done. Not because you followed the advice given here but you followed your own instincts and made your own decision.
And yeah, like Sars, not that I think you need the validation but I truly feel you made a great decision for you and your son. Wishing you all the best :)
Coco, good for you, and I wish you and your son all the best.
@Elissa – This is the exact situation where a person needs a lawyer. In the state where I live, courts have been treating live-in relationships that persist over time more like marriages (although the family law lawyer I live with says this is likely to start changing now that we have domestic partnerships).
There are precedents here where someone who worked part time while going to school and living with someone else who paid the entire rent and basically subsidized the going to school by providing room and board … well, the student was able to claim what amounts to alimony because their partner established a pattern of supporting them. Likewise, there are precedents where long-term cohabitation meant that contributions to equity in property were treated as partnership assets when it came time to divvy up the goods, and this has happened at least once in this state where only one person’s name was on the mortgage.
Please, before you enter into any kind of financial relationship, if you have property in your name, consult a lawyer to see what might be at risk in your jurisdiction and how you protect both parties in the event that things don’t work out.
@Coco – good for you for following your own gut and doing what had to be done. Hang tough through the transitions will entail, and keep reminding yourself that you did it for all the right reasons.
@CoCo:
YAY! for trusting your gut. I think your son is lucky to have you for his Mom.
Go ‘head, Coco. You’re brave and strong. Best wishes to you.
@Coco, thanks for updating us, and good for you.
I just ordered three copies of “The Gift of Fear.” One for me – I’m in a stable and sane relationship these days, but put up with a lot of b.s. when I was younger, and, anyway, it doesn’t hurt to know things. One for my teenaged niece who is about to graduate high school, since a young woman starting out in life could always use good advice. I’m not sure yet who I’ll give the third one to; maybe to my son, who is almost 25, as young men could always use good advice, too.
CoCo:
Congratulations. I am sure this was very difficult for you, but as many others have said, if it feels wrong it is wrong. You don’t have to go this alone. I would like to suggest that even though you have taken this step you still call the crisis hotline numbers others have posted and ask them for referrals to support groups. As you have read there are others that have been in similar situations. You don’t have to be alone in this. Good luck to you and your family.
I checked this thread first thing this morning…
Oh, Coco, I’m so *proud* of you. You did the right thing, even though it was a really uncomfortable & difficult thing. If this IS manipulative behaviour on boyfriend’s part, he just learned you have boundaries & that’s awesome. GO COCO!!!
And I’m sure we’re sort of overwhelming – TN is fierce & fiesty, huh? I’m glad you’re here, maybe we can be like that girlfriend your mama always said was a bad influence…
Sending you mighty best wishes & a big hopeful hug.
Well done, CoCo! I don’t even know you, and I am so proud of you. What a lucky son you have — he gets to see his mama show him how to trust oneself and be brave.
And please, take care of you, too. Your focus sounds so much outward, but I’m sure you know that you eventually run out of energy for others if you never replenish your own stores. It sounds like you have a lot of your own things that are crying out for relief. Let people help you, and be kind to yourself.
I wish I could give you a big hug…
@Coco: Aw, internet hugs, and congrats on both big decisions, the termination and the move in reversal.
It sounds like a you’re a really good mom and your priorities are in the right place.
Obviously we don’t know him, and if it turns out he stabilizes and is fine for you, you will feel it, you obviously have a good set of instincts, and nothing is permanent. And best of all, if in the future you do decide to let him move in, you’ll know that you made the decision, not that you caved to even subtle pressure.
Coco, you are awesome! Agreeing with the message and making the phone call are worlds apart. All the very, very best to you and your boy. He is lucky to have a great Mom like you!
CoCo – bravo! This will probably sound weird, but I’m so proud of you. It’s so SO hard to have that kind of conversation, but the reward for following your gut is so very worth it. And man, it sounds like you have had a hell of a month. Hang in there, and know that there are a whole lot of people pulling for you. Go get ’em, girl.
Re asking a friend for legal advice: I’m an attorney and I would expect a friend to ask me for advice. If the question is something I know about, I would be happy to answer. In fact, I think I would be hurt if a friend didn’t start the quest for advice with me.
Just chiming to say: Go COCO!!!! I spent way too long dating and living with a man I had reservations about from nearly the get-go, but I just couldn’t assert myself enough to stop the events that he was pushing into motion. I see myself in both the second and third letters here, actually–being too timid to trust my instincts and assert myself, I often got swept into situations in which I was not comfortable. Seven years later I moved out and it’s the best decision I ever made. Going forward I am determined to trust my instincts from the get-go. Glad you were able to do so sooner rather than later. I know it’s so hard. Bravo, and good luck to you.
Hi everyone, I just wanted to thank Sars and all the rest of you for your advice and input. You guys are right, I do have a problem standing up for myself when it comes to personal relationships. There was a brief time in my early twenties when I saw a therapist (I was having some anxiety issues related to school). During one of the sessions, we did the whole “tell me about your mother” thing, and the therapist concluded, from listening to me talk about my relationship with my family, that I had trouble setting boundaries with people. We never delved any further into that, though, and I had forgotten it even happened until I read Sars’ response and you guys’ comments. I definitely need to work on that.
The ironic thing is that my job (which I’m very good at, if I do say so myself!) requires a lot of aggression, and is a non-traditionally female profession. So I’m not a complete shrinking violet–I don’t know why I can be assertive at work but not at home. But I’m really going to try to figure it out, because dealing with other people’s intense emotions is draining me of the ability to have my own emotions.
A couple of things I wanted to add:
Strega, I didn’t intend my comment about people only either being obsessed with me or oblivious to my existence to sound quite as pathetic as it did, but I probably am too passive about initiating relationships, and it makes perfect sense that, by being aloof and hard to get to know, I’m unwittingly screening out all the normal people and only the overly-invested can get through.
About why these people have my contact info and I pick up the phone: unfortunately, the nature of my job requires that my contact info is a matter of public record. And I have a very unique name, so a google search is all it takes to find out what my office phone number is (fortunately we have very tight security at the office, so I do not have to worry about anyone dropping by unexpectedly). For my home phone and cell, I screen any call I don’t recognize, but I can’t do that at work. I do keep a sticky pad next to the phone where I write down phone numbers of people I don’t want to talk to so I will know not to pick up the next time they call.
I ordered my copy of The Gift of Fear, and look forward to reading it.
If I initially came across as something of a doormat due to the number of times I apologized for seeking this advice in the first place, it was only because I feared that if I sounded like I was saying “gee, I’m so fabulously awesome that I have to beat them off with a stick, what ever shall I do,” the only feedback I’d get would be along the lines of “good luck finding a hat big enough for that head.” I underestimated y’all. So, in conclusion, I really appreciate (and am really taking seriously) everyone’s advice.
@Strega: I meant to say above that your post absolutely hit the nail on the head for me. You helped me realize that I do have trouble initiating relationships (mostly out of social anxiety), so the relationships I have are often with people who are particularly–perhaps TOO–persistent and determined to make them happen. Thanks for giving me some insight into myself that hopefully I can act on going forward.
All-or-Nothing, you probably ARE “so fabulously awesome that I have to beat them off with a stick,” so you need those boundaries even more! Enjoy the book, it’s a real eye-opener!
CoCo, I’m so relieved for you. Please let us know how you make out.
Ed: you’re a good friend. Just sayin’.
Yay Coco. I’m so glad to hear you decided not to let him move in. And I’m so glad to hear that you put your son first.
Kinda: You ARE overthinking it! Consider that there are many men who like to feel important or helpful to the women they date, and there are many lawyers who enjoy giving their friends advice. After all, they worked very hard to get that job! In fact, I have a lawyer friend (at one point more than a friend) who would be kind of hurt if I didn’t come to him with my legal questions.
Don’t HIRE him, but I expect he’ll be happy to give you some advice. At the least, you can mention that you have a legal question and want to know if he’d be cool with hearing it.