Like you, I’ve got a cat that I love very much, Frisky. Most of the time
she lives at home with my parents, since I can’t keep a cat in my dorm, but
she’s still my plump little devil kitty. I’ve had her since I was six, so
she’s about fifteen now. According to her vet, she’s in her eighties in cat
terms, but she’s never had any serious health problems.

Apparently, she
more or less stopped eating a few weeks ago. I can remember times when she
hasn’t seemed to want to eat in the past, but she never just stopped as far
as I can recall. This started when my parents were dog-sitting my older
brother’s dog while he was on his honeymoon, but Maggie has been gone for
over a week now and Frisky’s still not eating, not even after they replaced
her crunchy food and water with soft stuff and milk. They took her to the
vet, but the physical and bloodwork didn’t show anything wrong.

Anyways. My mother emailed me tonight and wanted me to prepare myself for
the possibility that we might have to have Frisky put to sleep. I was
pretty much ready for this; my biggest concern is that, should the day come,
she will be scared. She hates going to the vet for a regular check-up, and I
hate the idea that this time she will be right to be afraid. What’s causing
the most anguish is the reason Mom wants me to be prepared. It would take
ultrasounds and CAT scans to figure out what’s wrong with her, apparently,
and we don’t have the money for that. Even if we did, I my parents aren’t
eager to spend that much on a cat who probably doesn’t have many years left.
I can’t really argue with that, and I couldn’t make them pay if I tried, but
I still feel really shitty at the idea of putting my cat to sleep just
because we can’t pay. I certainly don’t want her to die in slow pain, but
dammit, aren’t I supposed to take care of her? It doesn’t seem right to say
“okay, it’s your time” just because my family doesn’t have enough. I’d pay
the money myself but financially that’s not even close to being an option.

So I’m asking you, Sars, because you rock and I respect your advice. Does
it make me a moral failure if we have to put Frisky to sleep this way? When
the end does come, whether it’s now or later, do you know of anything I can
do to make her comfortable and keep her from being frightened? And last…how
do you deal with losing a pet after so long? I barely remember any of my
life without her, and even though I don’t see her on a daily basis during
school, I know I’ll miss her terribly once she’s gone. I’d really
appreciate any insight you can give me.

Thanks,
Already Missing Kitty

I’ve been reading your site for three years now, and I have
always appreciated the advice you dispense. I was
hoping you might be able to help me out with an issue
I’m having.

I just started graduate school in a place
where I knew all of one person, a thousand miles from
any close friends or family. Our department, while bigger
than some, is still pretty small (25 entering grad
students, with about 100 more in various stages of
coursework/writing their dissertations). When I first got
here I became friendly with another first-year, whose area
of specialization is completely different from mine (i.e.
we’ll probably be in very few classes together). She’s
younger than I am, and came directly from undergrad,
while I have been living in the “real world” for three years.

Until two weeks ago, I functioned as part of this woman’s
suport network, listening and trying to help her adjust to
grad school (though, to be fair, I didn’t feel like she was
doing the same for me). Then, two weeks ago, she had
a problem with her car. I was feeling sick, and was also
trying to write a paper. When she called me, I should
have, as a friend, offered to come pick her up and take
her back to her house, where she had extra keys. But
instead, I told her that if she couldn’t find someone else
to help out, she should call me back. I didn’t hear from
her, and finally finished my paper. I should have called
the following day, but I forgot, and it wasn’t until five days
later, when I ran into her in the hall, that I asked if she got
home okay and everything. I haven’t called her once in the
past two weeks, and I realized it’s because I don’t really
feel like talking to her, whereas before the whole car
incident, we spoke on the phone several times a week.

I ran into her a few hours ago on campus, and I stopped
to ask her how she was and everything, and she just kept
walking — she answered my question, but made it clear to
me she didn’t want to talk. I should probably also
mention that she fed my cat while I was out of town, i.e.
she went out of her way to do me a favor, and I didn’t help
her in her time of need.

So, here’s my question — I feel badly about the way I have
treated this woman, and I feel I owe her an apology, but at
the same time, this whole thing has caused us not to be
friends anymore, and while I wish I could say differently, I
don’t feel bad about that. It might sound terrible, but I have
a really limited amount of time in which I can be social,
and I would rather spend time with other people. I think I
feel like if I apologize, she’ll start thinking we’re friends
again, and it just feels easier to let it all go. Am I being a
heartless bitch?

Thanks so much.

Mean and Heartless

My partner and I have been dating for close to three years now. I just moved into his two-bedroom apartment a couple of months ago, and we’ve been fighting much more than we ever have as a result of my move. To be blunt, we both hate cleaning up
after ourselves. We leave things in piles all over the apartment, and only rarely see the top of the kitchen table.

I guess this is a two-part question, because part of the reason the apartment never gets a thorough cleaning is that Partner is busy all the time. Right now he volunteers at a community theater three to four nights a week, he’s directing a children’s
musical, and he is lighting an original production a friend is putting on. As well, he averages 45-50 hours a week at his retail (stock person) job, and tries to get work as a movie extra. A few weeks ago, he worked all night at his job to catch up, and
his boss (our friend, not forcing him) has suggested they do it again.

I’m nowhere near as busy as Partner is; I work 37 hours/week, am taking two art classes and a class through our local university, and am trying to spend a few hours a week in the gym, but I am home MUCH more than he is. For a while after I moved
in, I tried to take responsibility for the cooking and cleaning, but it frustrated me because I felt we were both making the mess and I was cleaning up. Partner didn’t like it either; he said he felt I was acting like his mother. For the last few weeks,
I have dropped the Donna Reed bit, but now I’m home and no one is cleaning up. And trust me, it’s unpleasant.

I don’t want Partner to work so hard. I guess I can live with it right now, but we are planning on having kids and I don’t want to raise them alone. Partner’s father worked as much as he does, so I can understand some of his motivation, but
recently he has been ill, and last night we had a big argument because we had to clean, but he really needed to sleep. And he only cleans after we fight, because he doesn’t seem to have enough time otherwise.

I love Partner, and I’m willing to spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m scared he will always want to work like this. I am 23 and he will be 35 soon: there is no reason to believe he will change. I am putting together an application to go
to graduate school next fall, and I am scared that no one will be there to cook for me or do my laundry (or even cook at all and do any laundry) when I get busy. I feel that often I change my plans to help him finish his work so he can sleep, and I don’t
think he does the same for me. I know he loves me, but for the last year or more he has been too tired most of the time to go out with friends, to have sex, to help clean the apartment. I get angry, but have trouble expressing it because he is always so
tired and I don’t want to make things worse for him. Neither of us makes a lot of money and I know he is trying to compensate for that, but he works so hard that I worry he will get sick. Already this year he fainted at work and spent the morning in the hospital.
Both doctors who examined him couldn’t find a cause.

So Sars, what do I do? Do I break it off with Partner? Do I suck it up and try to pick up the slack at home? Do I sit down with him, and try to explain to him, again, why I think he shouldn’t work so hard? Any thoughts as to why he does this?

I’m sorry this explanation is so long, and I hope you can shed some light on my problems.

Partner will die soon if he doesn’t stop working, if not from overwork then because I killed him

I’m in a year-and-a-half-long relationship with a girl that I had been good
friends with previously for eight years. It’s been very intense, and it’s had
its very high highs and rather grim lows. We’ve lived together, briefly
split up, and are now living with our parents, about to move into new,
separate abodes. I’m about to start a new job that requires lots of travel;
she’s in school again full-time.

Things have been very strained lately. I know that a lot of it is stress; I
had been laid off and very sporadically employed since we started dating,
and she really helped me out even though her only source of income was a
waitressing job. We had also had some issues relating to things in her past
and various other snitty couple things, but here’s what things boil down to: I always seemed to think that she was doing a lot of things that hurt my
feelings, and felt like she was being a little callous a lot of the time.
She was bothered by the fact that she saw me as a little controlling, a
little on the jealous side, and was starting to feel a bit stifled. That’s
when we broke up and didn’t see each other for a while and got back
together afterwards.

The biggest problem is that I didn’t see what she told me. I kept acting
indignant and felt like she was only pushing me away. This was compounded
as she started university again, combined with the fact that she is working
on a black belt in karate and is at the dojo five times a week. An ex of hers
goes to the same dojo and is best friends with her brother (whom she is
very close with). At one point I started getting suspicious and asked her
if there was anything going on or not (it was a long relationship and messy
breakup — remember, I have been friends with her for almost ten years now
and know a good deal about her). She assured me there wasn’t, and things
have been pretty rocky and awkward since.

After a rather emotional evening, I went home and it suddenly hit me on the
head like a ton of bricks. Wow, I am being a jealous brute. She’s been
faithful to me despite many opportunities to stray should she want to
(she’s very good-looking and gets asked on dates all the time — she always
turns them down). Even though I act like a baby about not getting enough of
her time, she always finds some time to hang out with me, even if it’s
going for a coffee every couple of days and a proper date once, sometimes
twice a week. For someone in a full-time nursing degree program, working on a
black belt, and working, she gives me plenty of time, especially if you
consider the commutes (we live across the city from one another). And now, for the first
time really, I’ve taken a good step back and looked at myself in this
relationship, and I’m so unimpressed at my infantile behaviour, I want to
lock myself in a room and give myself a good yelling at and yank my ears for
good measure. I’m realizing that she must love me a whole lot to put up
with me sometimes; I cringe at some of the things I’ve been saying.

So now, I don’t really know quite what to do. We’ve decided to not see each
other for a couple of days, and also use the two weeks I will be on the road
to “think.”

This is eating me up. A mixture of guilt and that
what-the-fuck-was-I-thinking feeling when it finally clicks that you’ve
been an egotistical idiot for a very long time and cause your poor
girlfriend to suffer, even as she keeps taking it like a trouper.

I worry now that she sees me as incorrigible and fears that that’s what I
am always going to be like. She’s never tried to change me. She’s told me
how it makes her feel, but I don’t think I’ve listened. But the fact of the
matter is that this is something that’s plagued me in previous
relationships when I think long and hard about it, and something that I
think I need to work on. In short, it’s not a symptom of this particular
relationship but a flaw of mine that creeps up in many different
situations, repeatedly.

I want to give it a fair shake. Of course, the optimal situation is that I
make progress, we heal things up, and I keep this wonderful woman in my
life. But I think that I can’t just tell her, “Look, you’re right. I’m
sorry.” I need to learn to control my insecurities and my jealous
behaviour, and not just for the sake of her and our relationship, but for
the well-being of my poor soul. But at the same time, I do value the
relationship I am in, so I hope that I haven’t soured her to the point that
she gives up. And while I’m aware that she’s well within her rights to do
so and there’s nothing I can do should she decide to leave me, I want to at
least let her know that I am sorry. Not just “I am saying sorry so that you
won’t be mad at me” sorry, but deeply sorry and wanting to make amends. I
know this is going to be hard, and I am going to have to let go of a lot
of things and really discipline my emotions. But I guess there’s no
guarantee she’ll accept it or take the leap of faith, and that’s really a
very hard thing to face.

I haven’t spoken to her since I’ve been thinking about this. I want to call
her right away, but I keep thinking that’s the wrong thing to do. Should
I give her a few days’ space? Call her up, and talk to her next time we
hook up? Tell her what I told you? Apologize, ask for forgiveness, and then
give her time and space to think — without any strings attached? Is that
the right thing to do? I think so, but outside perspective and
reinforcement helps — emotions can be very deceiving, sometimes. But I
think need to mature, I need to stop being so jealous and needy, and
develop a thicker skin towards innocuous things. Can people really change?
All I know is that I can’t stay like this, this is not who I want to be. I
realize that this is something I need to do independently of whether this
relationship works out or not, but is this a lesson I can learn without
paying so dearly for it?

The Repentant Ogre

Now I’m having doubts — is he The One? Is this really the person I
want to be with till death do us part and all that jazz? When we saw each
other all the time I thought I was ready for that, but now I don’t think I
am. He’s been getting on my nerves a lot lately, not for any good reason,
and he’s noticed the drop in affection from me, both when we visit and when
we’re on the phone or email. It’s stressing both of us out.

Part of the problem might be that I love where I live, I love my friends,
I’ve built a very happy life for myself here…and it doesn’t involve
him. We don’t get to have fun together more than a weekend every month
or so, and every conversation is a recap of what we’ve been doing (I end up
largely carrying those, since what he does is…grad school). It’s started
to feel like, what’s the point? I’m tied to this relationship in the prime
of my having-fun years, and the relationship can’t be any fun because of
the distance!

Nor can we behave normally when we are together. It’s “Dad has the kids on
the weekend” syndrome — he’s so excited to see me that he wants to have sex
all the time (okay, putting “dad,” “kids,” and “sex” in the same sentence is
disturbing, but you know what I mean) and do big exciting things, and that
removes a lot of the comfort that was an important part of our relationship
when we lived together. So when I think “fun,” I think of my friends and my
hobbies and my life here, and when I think of him, I think of pressure to
be entertaining and to “make up for” all the time we don’t get to be
together. Not to mention the guilt I have because I’ve chosen to be here
instead of moving with him.

So what do I do? I love him, he’s wonderful for me, we have everything in
common, and I don’t want to lose him. But I feel like my love life is in
stasis for the next few years. How can we make the long-distance thing
work? How can I keep feeling the same way about him as I did when we saw
each other every day? Also, is it a good idea to ask him to back off a
bit, be less focused on the long-term future, maybe even try seeing other
people for awhile before we make The Big Commitment? I feel like it’s what
I want to do, but it might end up pushing us even further apart, and I
don’t want that. I think. Help!

Why Didn’t I Listen When They Said LDRs Don’t Work?