The Vine: April 30, 2001
Sars,
One really really important thing that I think you left off is that this eighth grader was at one point wearing a PLAYBOY shirt.
Now let me state that I am a five-foot-tall girl that in eighth grade had breasts basically as large, if not larger than hers. And I had the same problems. And I agree with your advice to her UP TO A POINT.
What this girl has to start realizing is that how you dress reflects how you feel about yourself. So wearing fitting clothes is one thing. She should not be made to feel badly about wearing them, period. But PLAYBOY
is a mag that features naked women. There to be ogled. So, in essence, she is saying (when she wears that shirt) LOOK AT ME. I question the sanity of any parent that allows their child to wear a shirt that promotes pornography. (I’m not against porn per se, but if you are not old enough to buy it you shouldn’t be advertising it!)
Also not saying to blame the victim. Again, this girl should not be made to feel badly about her body. Wear what she wants to wear. But she must realize that up to a certain point, these clothing choices DO impact others’ opinions, whether she likes it or not.
J.
Dear J,
The Boob can have any “opinion” he wants; he should just keep his bratty little trap shut about it. If DeeDee wants to co-opt the Playboy symbol for herself as an ironic statement about the male gaze — and she seems a bit young for that, but if that’s what she’s doing, good on her — then of course she should realize that a 13-year-old testosterone-crazed fuckwit isn’t going to get the joke. But the point is that she shouldn’t care, because he’s a 13-year-old testosterone-crazed fuckwit.
(Sigh.) I know I’m going to be in the minority here, but I have to say it: if that fuckwit is talking about DeeDee’s rack that often, I think it pretty much is harassment, you know? Grabbing, now, that starts stepping over the border into “assault” territory. You don’t have to be scared or almost raped to be experiencing sexual harassment — you just have to be continually subjected to conversations about, oh, say, your body parts in a context where it’s clear that such sexual content is not necessary, welcome, or (because it’s a professional or academic context) appropriate.I’m also aware of the realities of eighth grade, of course — painfully so. I remember what it’s like, and that the teachers probably really aren’t all that good about stopping kids from tormenting each other. I’d hope that by now, you could report this sort of thing and get it taken seriously, but that may not be the case. DeeDee will have to decide for herself whether doing so will be useful. I can say one thing — if he does this to other girls, and they don’t like it either, and they go as a group to complain to an administrator, it will be pretty hard for said administrator to ignore. But for god’s sake, we’re officially in the twenty-first century now — do we still have to put up with guys talking about our tits in professional and academic contexts, do we have to wait until they’re actually frightening before it’s okay to stop them?Eva
Dear Eva,
You know, I agree with you, and I considered saying as much — that The Boob’s commentary already constitutes harassment. But it’s junior high school. It’s the cruelest age, and the teachers may not take it seriously (I have a feeling The Boob doesn’t bust out the commentary with authority figures in earshot), and DeeDee has to pick her battles. It’s not right, I know, but she’s going to hear shit like that for the rest of her life, and she’s going to have to learn to ignore it most of the time, or it’ll take over her life and the cretins win.
Again, I don’t endorse it by any means. The Boob is a pig. But he’s trying to get a rise out of her, and if she fights back, he’ll never stop.
Sars:I’ve been a TN fan for a long time and I usually agree with your Vine advice — it’s straightforward, logical and practical.Except (you were waiting for the but, right?)…I have to disagree with your response to DeeDee. You are being way too lenient with this boy. The Boob is harassing her. He’s making remarks and “jokes” about her breasts. Don’t let him get away with it because he’s an immature, pubescent boy. That only perpetuates the “boys will be boys” crap that allows females to be subjected to this kind of treatment.
Don’t let him continue thinking this is acceptable behavior. Don’t wait until it gets worse. This boy is at least 13 years old — at what age is it no longer appropriate for him to “tease” other people? Especially when the “teasing” is sexual in nature? It’s not DeeDee’s fault that he can’t deal — why should she suffer the consequences?
Since the harassment is happening at school, the Boob needs to be reported to the school authorities NOW. Someone needs to clue him in about harassment. If he doesn’t stop, maybe detention, or even a suspension, would help.
Zero Tolerance Mom
Dear Zero,
Well…see above. Again, I don’t mean to defend The Boob by any means, or to suggest that girls and women should just grit their teeth and suffer demeaning remarks. But, again, it’s junior high. A lot of crap goes on in junior high that you just have to put your head down and get through. DeeDee can certainly try reporting him, but I’m not inclined to think that it’ll do much good.
