The Vine: April 6, 2004
Hi Sars,
I’ve been mulling this one over for a few weeks and would really appreciate
your excellent advice.
I come from a very successful “built something from nothing” kind of family.
My sibling and I have both pursued degrees that would allow us to follow in
my father’s footsteps. I have a great deal of respect for my father and what
he has done, but I have come to the conclusion over and over that it is not
what I want to do with the rest of my life. If it were, I wouldn’t be
dreading it. Plus, I would actually give a crap.
I have always been Daddy’s little girl, blah dee blah. I have people’s
business cards and an interview suit in my closet. He has even offered to
help me get a position at his present company after I graduate. Sure, I
could go get a job, but I have come to the realization that I would like to
become an officer in the Army instead. I have never liked having things
handed to me, nor am I particularly interested in earning a paycheck in the
corporate world. I realize that I’m going to run into many of the same
issues (i.e., nepotism, political BS, token promotions) as in a corporation
for far less pay, but it’s my life. I don’t want to end up blaming my
parents for my unhappiness, and I know I will if I don’t pursue my own
goals. And hell, if I do end up being unhappy, I want it to be my own fault.
I know that I have to inform my parents of what I decided, but also that
they’re going to be bitterly disappointed and very upset. They were in
college during Vietnam. They saw their friends being drafted and they still
maintain many of the biases of the generation. I joke that I’m going to send
them a letter from basic training so they can’t yell at me, but that would
just be cruel. I just can’t think of how to explain myself without being
eaten alive. My parents live over 1000 miles away, so it isn’t just like I
can drop in on them for a chat. I really feel like I’m letting them down by
choosing another career, but I know this isn’t a knee-jerk, rebellious
decision. It’s been rolling around in my head for years and I’ve tried to
talk myself out of it. A lot.
I still have another year of school before my basic training date. How soon
should I tell them? Do you have any advice as to how I can go about this
without making it seem like I’m flinging it in their face? If I don’t start
interviewing this winter, they’re going to notice, and I don’t want to lie
to them. I just don’t particularly want to hear about it for 10 months,
either.
Sincerely,
Reluctant Recruit
Dear RR,
I think you should tell them as soon as you can. Get it out there; get it over with.
Before you do, though, keep something in mind — I agree that you should try to do something with your life that excites you, and not make career decisions entirely based on pleasing other people. But remember, it’s not a peacetime army you plan to join, and even if you don’t wind up assigned a dangerous billet, your parents may hear “army” and think “Iraq,” and I think you should be sensitive to their concerns there.
And they will have concerns, and they will voice them, and you all will disagree as to what it “means” that you’ve chosen this career path, but the sooner you tell them of your plans, the sooner you can all try to come to some sort of peace with it.
Hi Sars,
My best friend and I have known each other for over ten years and we love
each other as much as best friends can. A few months ago, she met a man
online and they began a romantic relationship. After weeks of exchanging
declarations of love and even discussing marriage, they finally met in
person. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out, and the reason he cited for the
break-up was that he found her to be “too fat.”
Now, my friend is not skinny, but she is absolutely beautiful, and has never
had a problem attracting boyfriends. However, this whole exchange with this
guy has absolutely devastated her. She told me that it’s like her worst
nightmare has come true. Here is a man who claimed to love her, and with
whom she had entered a very close relationship based solely on her brains,
personality, and all of her other non-corporeal assets. Then he throws it
all away because her BMI is above his cut-off.
Whether or not he should be judged for that is not my concern. I do realize
that sometimes we just have physical characteristics that we will never find
attractive. But I really want to know if there is anything I can do to make
my friend rebuild her self-esteem. She has become very withdrawn and I
worry because I know she is suffering. I don’t know if there is anything I
can say to counteract how insulted she feels.
Do you have any advice?
Thanks very much.
Helpless Friend
Dear Helpless,
I don’t know that there’s much you can do right now. Romantic hurts take time to shake off, and people have to process them and move on in their own ways. Let your friend know you support her, but don’t feel like you have to “fix” this, because, really, you can’t — and trying to may have the effect of focusing more of her attention on the offending comment, if that makes any sense.
Keep an eye on things, as you’ve been doing, and if you think she’s absorbed the “too fat” remark and is starving herself or getting depressed, you might suggest that she see a counselor. Beyond that, if the subject comes up, remind her that the opinion of a guy that tactless isn’t worth much.
Dear Sars,
Love the site, and I think your advice is always pretty good too.
So, I have a question for you and your readership, if they have any
views on this subject. I am getting married soon and although I am
very much looking forward to being married, I do have a problem
with changing my name. It seems old-fashioned to do so and I feel
like it is part of my identity and I resent that being “taken” away
from me. My boyfriend and mum, and pretty much the rest of both
families, are HORRIFIED that I would think of not changing my name.
My husband-to-be is a lovely guy, he certainly doesn’t think of me
as a possession and he isn’t old-fashioned, so I was quite
surprised that he is so upset at my decision.
So, my question is: What is your opinion? Am I being silly in
putting my foot down? Will it only be a big hassle in the long run
having a different name to my husband and future children?
Miss/Ms./Mrs. Whatever
Dear Ma’am,
What’s in this can here? Oh, look — worms!
Heh. No, I don’t think it’s “silly”; it’s your name. It’s how people address you. It’s how you think of yourself. I wouldn’t change mine either…but mostly because I can’t shift myself to fill out a bunch of paperwork and relearn my signature and whatnot. Yeah, it’s A Man’s Name, but I already have a man’s name, really, so for me, it’s not about that. It’s about having used the name I have now for 31 years and not wanting to have to break in a new one. Who knows, I might change my mind when the time comes.
As far as the hassle goes, honestly, no matter which way you go with the name thing, a hassle is going to come up. Table the “what do we call the kids” discussion until you actually have a kid, and focus for now on why it’s important to your future husband that you take his name; explain your side, listen to his, and try to work it out.
For the record, I find the level of judgment on both sides of the maiden/married name issue kind of insane — the women who changed their names feeling judged by the choice of the women who didn’t, and vice versa. If your choice feels right to you, and since you had a choice in the first place, which is the whole point of the argument, then who cares what other women do?
Hey Sars,
Okay. Problem. I have a friend, J, who is quite a bit younger than me (I’m 31, she’s 23). I kind of inherited her when she married my very good friend, C. She’s lots of fun, very quirky, and has me in stitches most of the time.
Well, she used to. Lately, it seems like all she can do is bitch and moan about how tired she is, and how she has all of these problems in her life (for the record, her problems include tight finances, as they just bought a house, a frustrating job search, and some minor medical problems). She’s 23 going on 80. Every time we IM or talk on the phone, all I end up doing is saying over and over again “uh-huh,” “wow,” and “gee, that’s too bad.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not entirely unsympathetic to her. It’s just that she acts like she’s the only person in the world who has these problems, and that really grates on my nerves. Sometimes I just feel like screaming, “Welcome to life, sweetie. Now get over it. Life sucks, wear a frickin’ helmet!” I mean, we all have those problems in our circle of friends. Money is always tight, the job front isn’t always peachy, and we’re all tired at some point.
Anyway, the breaking point came earlier this month. It was her turn to host the annual get-together we have for a group of us that don’t see each other very often. The complaints started a couple weeks before the event. It’s soooo much work putting this together (even though she wouldn’t be doing it on her own, we always do it together), she was sooo tired…blah blah blah. So, I offered to have it at my place, even though I hosted it last year. No biggie. She wouldn’t even have to help, she could just show up. Then she calls me on the Monday before the party (it was that Saturday) and says she’s going to be too tired to make it. WTF? How can you say on Monday that you’ll be too tired on Saturday? She told me to go ahead and have it without her. I was so pissed that I cancelled the whole thing, and I haven’t spoken to her since.
I don’t get it. When I’m stressed and buggin’, I LIKE to be with my friends. It’s a great way to blow off steam, and I’m always relaxed afterwards.
I thought that maybe this was her way of letting the friendship cool off, especially since she has had more time for her new friends in her neighbourhood than for me. However, she has dropped me a couple of emails and left a few phone messages saying how she misses me, and please call her back. I’m still really annoyed about this whole thing.
Sorry about the length, I’ll get to my question now. I’m not a confrontational person, and she is the kind of person who is always right. I feel I should say something, but I’m not sure how I would go about it. Should I tell her off for being such a putz, or should I just let it lie? I’m kind of leaning towards letting the friendship go, as I don’t think I could just call her up and act like nothing’s wrong.
What do you think, Sars? I really like the advice you give people, even if it’s something they don’t like hearing, so let me have it!
Fed up
Dear Fed,
Call her back. Tell her you’ve pretty much reached the breaking point with the constant complaining and the self-absorption; you sympathize with her, but the friendship has become this one-sided thing where she bitches and you listen, and you’d like to see a little more give-and-take.
If she always has to be right and she doesn’t want to hear that, well, that’s that. Wish her well, act civilly towards her at group events, and let her dump her crap on someone else from now on.
Dear Sars,
I have a beautiful cat that I
adopted a little more than a year ago, when she was
about seven months old. Recently, she has begun
throwing up. She has thrown up about four times in
the past three or four weeks, never more than once in
a day.
She has never thrown up before, in the whole
year she has lived with me. At first we thought it
was because she was eating some flowers, but she threw
up twice after we had thrown them out. I can’t find
anything else that she might be eating, and I haven’t
changed her food, or anything else recently.
So my
question is, should I be more concerned than I am? If
she were listless, or not eating, or throwing up more
than once in a day I’d be taking her to the vet right
away, but in every other way, she’s her normal self,
and the barfing incidents are spaced out over several
days. I know you have a cat that has a tendency to
throw up, so I’m hoping you can give me some advice.
I’ve never had a cat before, so I have no idea if this
is normal or not. Thanks for any advice you can give.
A Worried Cat Mommy
Dear Mom,
For some cats, it is normal. It doesn’t worry me, generally, with either of my cats, because Hobey has a nervous stomach, and Little Joe tends to eat too fast sometimes and then hork it up five minutes later. But if it’s not normal for your cat, keep an eye on it. Literally.
Eyeballing the barf itself can tell you whether it’s a hairball issue or something potentially more serious. Does the barf look like reconstituted food, or thin and thready (or, once it’s dry, like paste, but with fur stuck in it)? If you see a lot of hair in the barf, there you go. Go to the pet store, buy a tube of Petromalt, and dose the cat once every couple of weeks (don’t worry, it’s not like pilling them — Petromalt tastes like fish, and my cats really like it and get all excited when I get the tube out. Which is sort of sad of them, now that I think about it, but anyway). You can also try the hairball-control type of kibble, but from what I’ve seen, it doesn’t really do that much.
If the cat is in good health otherwise — shiny coat, wet nose, not losing weight — it’s probably just a hairball thing. Brush her regularly and hit her with a blob of Petromalt now and then to cut down on the barfing; if it’s still got you worried, or if she’s hurling up mostly food, bring her to the vet just in case.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships the fam
