Hi there,

Dear You’d Think The Brits Would Have A Dill Pickle Chip Sauce,

I guess “end quote” works better — but remember, it has to work out loud, not just on the page, and “end quote” is harder to enunciate than “unquote” (and ends up sounding like “unquote” anyway, which is probably where it came from, now that I think of it).

I have to overrule you on “quote”/”quotation,” too, I’m afraid. This is one of those rules that isn’t a rule anymore; my Webster’s lists “quotation” as a definition of “quote,” and while it’s the second definition listed and the verb is first, “quote” can indeed function as a noun. It’s like “loan”/”lend” — it used to be a rule, but then the language just kind of ignored the rule, and now it’s not a rule anymore.

I took a hard line on that one for years myself, and I still try to use “quote” and “lend” as the verbs and “quotation” and “loan” as the nouns in my own writing/speech…but it’s not wrong to flip them.

Dear Sars,

Dear Don’t Bother, That Shit Is In The Goddamn Dictionary Now,

Sure, the synonyms for “conflicted” you list are valid. But “conflicted” is still a word. So is “disconnect” in its noun form; it’s a relatively recent coinage (11C says it came into the language only thirty years ago), but it’s correct.

I agree with you that certain words get vastly overused, particularly psychology-adjacent terms and phrases — “having issues” is one that, I think, has gotten bankrupted and needs to be retired for a while, but it’s so braided into the way my friends and I speak now that I find myself having issues with not saying “having issues” instead of, say, “I disagree with blah” or “I don’t know how to handle blee.”

As I say almost every time, the function of usage and grammar rules is to maximize clarity and exactitude — so, in business writing, you should edit these words with an eye to those qualities, as well as to a certain level of professionalism. So, I think “disconnect” is okay as long as it’s an accurate description of the situation, i.e. “we’re seeing a disconnect between our market research and the point-of-sale numbers.” But I don’t like “conflicted” for business writing; it’s too personal. It sounds whiny. Saying there’s a conflict between two priorities? Okay. Describing yourself as conflicted instead of “undecided” or “faced with a difficult choice”? You come off weak there; I don’t think it’s an appropriate presentation.

There’s a lot of business-speak I could do without, because it’s wimpified English designed to avoid taking a position — “thinking outside the box,” “liaise,” “downsizing,” I could go on at length (and have elsewhere). Mealy-mouthed non-denial-denial corporatese is the reason “Dilbert” exists, and I hate it, but it’s really hard to rout. I actually said “market penetration” out loud the other day and I wasn’t joking. Just do the best you can to fight the creep, but realize, it’s not going anywhere, because it makes managers who aren’t very smart feel safe.

I just insulted myself. That’s awesome. Waiter, more coffee!

I work in a small office. Everyone is close, and we all hang out a lot. Anyway, I found out from my boss, who I am pretty good friends with, that one of my really good friends’ job is in jeopardy. The other partners aren’t fond of my friend. My boss has been running interference, but may not be able to continue to do so. My friend and the other partners just clash and don’t work well together. Unfortunately for my friend, they out-rank him.

Dear Girl,

Did your boss tell you in confidence, in so many words? Was it strongly implied by his/her tone that you shouldn’t tell your friend, or anyone else? Because if so, you might have to keep your mouth shut or risk losing your own job, and while I’d want to know too, I don’t think I’d expect you to betray a confidence if it could get you canned.

And what is the nature of the “relationship,” exactly — do the other partners just not like your friend’s personality? Has he screwed up? What exactly might have gotten “misinterpreted” — a joke? A memo? His attitude?

It’s hard for me to advise you when I don’t have any background on where the dislike came from or how it started, but it’s possible that your friend is just a bad fit there — and if he’s oblivious to that at the moment, that could be part of the reason, ironically. I mean, most people have a sense of whether they’re well-liked and/or respected at work; if your friend doesn’t, just generally, you might have a word with him (again, just generally) about developing some radar for that.

For now, though, based on what little I know, I’d stay out of it. If your boss is spending a lot of time “running interference” for your friend, again, maybe this isn’t the greatest job/employee fit.

Sars —

Dear I Think There’s A #4 Here,

I think your first step is to put a stop to the “brief encounters,” because they’re ooging everyone out. You don’t have to a be a bitch about it, but if L is all “my love, MY HEART” in front of the group? Come on. This isn’t a movie. Ask them to take some alone time and not make the rest of you uncomfortable. And I would also strongly consider telling L that, you know, there’s no hope. “Oh, she’ll just say she knows that and then be all frowny-moony.” Well, that’s her lookout, kind of. K has a live-in girlfriend, and if L looooooves him, okay, that’s fine, but again, it’s making the rest of the group uncomfortable.

If your suspicions about K’s motivations are correct, he’s gross, which you might point out to him, too — that, you know, un! comfortable! and he should quit it because everyone has noticed.

I know that neither of these options is particularly attractive, but the thing is, you’re waiting around for one of them to get a grip, and it ain’t happening — and my point here, really, is that there’s more going on here than “K is leading her on.” There’s also “L is being willfully dense,” “everyone is sitting by and allowing their drama to sit on the group’s chest like a succubus,” and so on.

Of course, you can’t control K yanking L’s chain or L refusing to catch her snap. You can only control your own behavior, so perhaps “not allowing them to dominate the group dynamic by sixth-grading it up at the corner pub” is your best course of action. If an aspect of the situation which you can affect is irritating you, say so. At the very least, they shouldn’t be carrying on the “you complete me”/”zip it” routine in front of civilians.

Hi,

Dear Pretty,

“No one’s attracted to a neurotic headcase”? Not true. Trust me. So that’s some good news.

Okay, seriously: I think you might benefit from counseling, because if you really think boys only flirt with you because they lost a bet or something, that’s…not so healthy. It’s kind of paranoid, but it comes from low self-esteem, and going to see a therapist would help you get a handle on that. Flirting is supposed to be fun.

But it’s all tied together — societal expectations of women vis-a-vis work and family that are impossible, plus the ways women absorb that they’re supposed to treat themselves and each other, the fact that more value is placed on a woman’s looks relative to the rest of her contributions than on a man’s, blah blah makes me tired. This is part of why your self-esteem is so low — because society trains you to think that you have to be pretty to be worth something, but then society is like, “Real feminists don’t give a shit, YOU WIMP,” so then you feel lame for caring, but then you still kind of care, and it’s just a vicious cycle and pass the Pringles.

And I think the trick is to remember that the shit is hard, missy. For everyone. For all of us. Every woman is told over and over again from the time she’s in diapers what she’s supposed to be, and she gets it from all sides — you’ve got to have great legs, but you’ve got to not care about your great legs — and it’s impossible! It’s. literally. impossible. It’s a standard that nobody can meet, and the horrible irony is that women, more so than men, are socialized to try to meet it anyway — to Be Good, to be what we think other people want.

My point here is not that it’s unfair, although it is, or that you shouldn’t care about your ass, because you probably shouldn’t — but you do, and that’s okay, and that’s my point. It’s really hard to figure out how and who to be as a woman in this world. It’s hard for men, too, I’m not saying different; I just don’t know as much about how it’s hard for them. (Could I say the word “hard” a few more times? I tried to rewrite that so it wasn’t giggly, but it just wasn’t happening. Waiter, more coffee! God.) But you have to give yourself a break, for real. You have to trust yourself to find your own way, to figure out that, yeah, magazines say I should have long straight hair because boys really like that but my hair looks better short, so it’s short and that’s that — to accept that you’re going to have days where you’re like, “I’m already a disgusting hog, so I will eat this entire package of Klondike bars, and then I will sulk, because I can’t be A Good Feminist every single goddamn minute, and also I AM UGLY.” I have done both of those things, and it’s fine, because I’m just a human being with problem hair who likes ice cream novelties over here. I do my best, but sometimes, I look at my ears and go, “Ew,” and then I drink beer.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be good enough for yourself and the rest of it will fall into place. But even being good enough for yourself is really hard sometimes. It’s hard for everyone. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Go see a therapist and scream and yell about it; it really helps.

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