The Vine: April 8, 2005
Dear Sars,
There’s a guy in my class at school — I’m the
equivalent of a senior — who I’ll call Bob. We’re in a lot of classes
together, and up until maybe two years ago I didn’t know him very well
at all. Then, at the start of my junior year, I began to notice that he
was staring at me a lot in classes (he had this incredibly unpleasant
habit of picking his nose at the same time — not the most socially
capable guy in the world). He started taking every opportunity to come
up to talk to me, and would get out of his desk, walk to the back of the
classroom and “hover” until he thought of something to say.
Bob’s a bright guy and I thought he was probably well-meaning, despite
the social ineptitude, so I chatted with him when he came to talk to me
(I’m a bit introverted and geeky myself, so I know what it’s like). The
trouble is, I’m not at all interested in him romantically, and it became
increasingly clear that he wanted more from me than polite
conversation. He would appear at really inconvenient times, and look
incredibly hurt if I didn’t immediately devote my full attention, even
when he’d only appeared to say “hello.” Friends started noticing and
getting creeped out by his obvious and continuous staring, and as much
as I feel sorry for the guy I was starting to get a little creeped out
myself. It’s clear he has a crush, but it also feels like he’s staking
his entire self-worth on me, which isn’t the sort of responsibility I
handle well.
The trouble is, I think that deep down inside he’s a seriously angry
guy. He’s been known to lash out really violently at people who picked
on him verbally. And now, the final straw, he’s applied to exactly the
same set of courses at exactly the same university as me. He keeps
coming up to me and talking about manipulating “our course timetable,” a
kind of dependence that would irritate me in an actual boyfriend.
Frankly, I’m terrified that if I don’t keep being nice to him he’s going
to get violent. People have told me, entirely seriously, that they’d
tell the police about him if I went missing for any length of time.
Am I being a complete bitch? Or should I be worried? Did I bring this
on myself? And most importantly, what do I do about it? I feel like a
terrible person, but all the warning bells are ringing, and I’m going to
be in this for the next four years if I don’t do something fast.
Thanks a lot,
Nervous, South Africa
Dear NSA,
No, you’re not; maybe a little bit; sort of; set some boundaries.
A situation like this is sort of what I was talking about in my answer to “Pretty Superficial” the other day — women, more than men, are socialized to be nice to everyone, even people we don’t really like. But then when that backfires on us, we feel like it’s our fault, because we read The Gift of Fear and we’re supposed to be hard-asses to guys like Bob.
There’s nothing wrong with being nice to everyone; in fact, I’d recommend it. But “nice,” or “polite,” is not the same as “apologetic” or “suffering in silence.” You can be pleasant and still be firm.
So, before you do anything else, stop thinking of yourself as a bitch based on the fact that 1) you don’t really like this guy and 2) you don’t want to, and kind of resent having to, deal with him. Sometimes people just don’t like each other; it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Then, start setting some boundaries for Bob. If you really think he’s a rage volcano who’s going to blow if you dare to push him back behind a line, you don’t have to spend any alone time with him, but you can excuse yourself from conversations quickly; you can ask him politely to stop staring at you, as it’s making you uncomfortable; you can decline to make plans with him or hang out with him at school, and not explain why. Certainly, if he asks you out, you should say no — directly and without dressing it up. “Thank you, but no, that wouldn’t work out.”
You can’t control what courses he takes, but you can put yourself out of his reach in various ways, and the key, again, is to not feel like you owe him an explanation or like you have to soften the blow. You aren’t interested romantically; he’s not a friend; if he doesn’t get a hint, he doesn’t, but that’s his lookout in the end, so start minimizing your contact with him and keep your eyes open for signs of impending Hulk.
Trust your instincts, and don’t feel obligated to feign friendliness that isn’t genuine.
Dear Sars,
Over the holiday season, I went to my hometown and
visited friends and family. I went to see my sister
(let’s call her B), who is currently living in my
mother’s old house (my mother still owns it — she
just
lives on the opposite end of the state and my sister
pays part of the mortgage, with my mother picking up
the slack and my dad paying for garbage collection).
I was pretty appalled to see how messy the house was
—
there were bags of garbage piled up against the back
door, the rooms were full of clutter, and the
fish tank
in the living room had two fish in it, both of which
were dead and sitting at the bottom of the tank.
While I was there, I used the bathroom and while in
there I heard the sound of something running across
the ceiling tiles — I thought it was a large mouse,
but it turned out to be a squirrel. At one point I
opened her silverware drawer (and this really was
the
final straw) and there were mouse droppings all over
the forks and stuff. Ew. Major ew. Ew to the nth
power. I kept my mouth shut and left as soon as I
could.
So, after the holidays I spend a few days at my
dad’s
(parents are amicably divorced and Dad lives near
B),
and at one point the topic of B comes up, and I make
the remark that sometimes I think she honestly
doesn’t
give a shit how she lives. I didn’t bring up the
specific stuff I saw when I was there. Two nights
ago
(which is a few weeks after I made the comment), I
get
a phone call from my mother. Apparently, B called
her
in hysterical tears because my father had just
called
her and tore her a new one for living like a slob.
My
father apparently told her that I said that she
doesn’t give a shit how she lives, which isn’t
exactly
what I said. My mom wasn’t angry — she figured that
my father had misinterpreted what I said, which was
half-true — it was my opinion and my dad was taking
it
as fact, and she was calling me to get my side.
While I feel a bit badly about my remark apparently
being what started this, another part of me is all,
“Yeah, well, she’s trashed Mom’s house to the point
where it’s got mouse shit in the kitchen drawers,
and
she’s an adult — why the hell SHOULDN’T she be
getting
yelled at by Dad and (especially) Mom?” After I got
off the phone with my mother, she IM’ed me a bit
later
and said something like “just spoke to B and calmed
her down — she knows you didn’t try to get her in
trouble.” Again, I had conflicting feelings, part
relief and part eye-rolling-whatever. Anyway, for
now
I’ve decided to stand back and not contact my sister
or my father for a few weeks until things calm down.
My questions are this — am I handling this right,
and
am I a dick for not really feeling all that badly
about her getting in trouble over something I said?
Thanks,
Flush the Damn Fish Already
Dear Flush,
I’m not crazy about your handling of it, to tell you the truth. I feel like you should have said something to your sister about how nasty the place is instead of silently cataloging the filth. I mean, it’s one thing not to agree with how a sibling stores wine glasses, but if there is actual poo in a drawer where utensils are kept, it’s not out of line to point that out — and, in your case, to say that maybe it isn’t showing the most respect for your mom’s property. But when you got busted, then you’re all “leave me out of this”? Yeah…no. “But I was misquoted! And I told my dad –” No. You weren’t really misquoted; from what I can tell, you were quoted exactly. Next time, say it to her face, and then, if you say it to someone else, stand behind it. “Hell yeah I told him you live like a pig, because you do. Take the trash out.”
I wouldn’t feel all that bad about getting her in trouble either, because…with the fish? That’s nuts. But come on, dude. It’s tricky to discuss siblings with parents in a neutral manner, by which I mean that it’s nearly impossible, and you’re old enough to know that and to live with it if you do bring up the subject. Say what you need to say, but stand behind it.
Sars, if your sister’s boyfriend cheats on her and
then she forgives him, how overtly can you be a
bitch
to said boyfriend?
My mom says to respect my sister’s choice to salvage
the relationship and tells me I should make nice to
the guy. I think I’m within my rights to be hostile
if
I want to, since he’s a self-involved, two-timing
fuck-nugget.
Given that avoiding him completely is unfortunately
not possible, could you set some boundaries here,
Sars? How much snottiness towards him can I get away
with before I’m disrespecting my sister?
Sincerely,
You Fucker, You Made My Little Sister Cry!
Dear Fucker,
Some. Not a ton; some, and it should take the form of icy civility. Anything more overt, and it just makes things uncomfortable, for your sister and for everyone else around. And while it might seem like it’s worth it in order to make him uncomfortable, it’s not really going to help so much as it is going to bond them closer together in the face of said discomfort.
So, you don’t have to be all buddy-buddy with the guy, but don’t get up in his face, either. It’s not worth it. You can speak unvarnished truth about him to your sister in private, but when he’s around, polite but cold.
Dear Wise Sars,
What the hell is up with the word “emcee”? I mean,
it’s MC. Master of
Ceremonies. Why is it spelled out that way?
Consider, for example, MP
(Military Police). Nobody would write “empee.” WTF?
Signed,
Wannabe Grammar Goddess
Dear Wannabe,
The 11C tells me that the word “emcee” was born in the thirties. The fact that there’s a phonetic variant of the acronym suggests that it came into being in order to avoid confusion with another “MC” that meant something different, but neither Garner nor the Barnhart dictionary has any comment.
Hi Sars,
I work for a great company and pretty much enjoy all of my co-workers, however we have a new girl that helps out with administrative duties. She is related to the owner of the company (of course) and while she seems like a very nice gal, me and some of my other co-workers are a little wary of her.
When she was first hired she had some problems figuring out Microsoft Word (um, hi, she’s like 29 and she was in college how is that possible) and saying some remarks that while we are sure are not meant to be mean or spiteful end up coming out that way. I can forgive most of her remarks, one about a pregnant friend letting herself go by not rushing out and getting her highlights done as soon as they grew out and one to me about my lunch of hamburger and french fries and whether or not I was starting that pre-wedding diet yet.
So mostly I just ignore her remarks or let them slide, I am higher up in the office chain then her, but there is one thing she does that drives me up the wall and I have no idea what to do. She has given me a nickname. I don’t have a problem with nicknames in general but she’s basically taking the first three letters of my name and repeating them. I have a somewhat unusual name but it’s short and her nickname is the same length. The first time she said it I laughed it off but now that is pretty much what she says to me, every day.
I don’t know what to do! It has been going on now for a couple of months and I am afraid to say anything because I don’t think she would take it very well and might mention it to the owner. What do you think? Keep ignoring her and try to avoid all conversation or say something?
Thanks,
I like the nicknames my fiance calls me…
Dear EQ,
“Excuse me, coworker — I don’t mean to make you feel self-conscious or anything, but I really prefer to be called ‘Name,’ not ‘Nickname.’ Thanks so much.”
Didn’t we just do this?
Tags: etiquette grammar the fam workplace
