The Vine: April 9, 2001
Sars, I agreed with your advice to A&M, but I wanted to add a few other things, from a person who’s been married about the same length of time.
No, downplaying each other’s dreams is NOT “normal” to marriage or something all couples “deal with and move on” from — not healthy, happily married couples. Unless, by “deal with” she means follow your advice and go after her dreams, and him learning to accept that. But that’s a pretty tall order, requiring some major changes in his outlook and behavior, and he doesn’t, from her description, sound interested.
I’m afraid that HIS definition of “deal with” would be “she forgets about it, gets a low-level job, eventually has some kids to keep her busy.”
Don’t be afraid to say what your readers were thinking, Sars…this marriage sounds like it’s failing. Only A&M can know that for sure, of course. But she needs to go to a marriage counselor, alone or with him (preferably) and find out — soon — if there’s anything in common to salvage. Before kids come along, especially. Because the longer she waits to get out, the harder it will be, and the more damage she can do to her own dreams. It won’t do her any good to salvage her marriage if she’s got nothing of herself left.
emjaybee
Dear em,
Perhaps he’s not sufficiently motivated to get interested. By that, I mean that perhaps she’s never put her foot down and said, “Look, this is what I want, it means a lot to me, and either you get on board or the boat leaves you here.” It’s amazing how much attitude people will throw around when they think they can get away with it.
I don’t know enough about the other aspects of the marriage to say whether or not it’s “failing”; neither do you. It’s my belief that marriages — and relationships in general — thrive on people’s differences when said differences are approached in a healthy manner, but that’s not what’s happening here. Yet, anyway.
I married young too, and my husband was not terribly supportive of many of my interests. It’s hard when you’re first married — you want all your needs met by your partner. I learned how to get a lot of validation from my friends. It’s easy to let your partner’s feelings about things manipulate your own feelings about them. It’s a tough thing to learn how to do, but it’s really good to try and train yourself to not let your partner’s moods affect you (it used to be that I’d get upset whenever he was upset, but now I’ve learned to be empathetic without getting emotionally wrapped up in it). I enjoy my spouse’s company tremendously and it doesn’t matter a whole lot that he doesn’t appreciate my musical compositions. He never actively hindered what I did, or made disparaging, unsolicited remarks, though, either.
You’re never going to find someone who loves everything you love. But you can find people who are more generally supportive than your husband is. It sounds to me like he feels threatened by your smarts. Be the better person here, if you can: tell him you love him for all the reasons you told Sars, repeat these endlessly, but go on pursuing your goals. Resentment is poison — do anything you can to avoid it. It’s up to you whether you think you can go for your goals without your husband’s support. I did (my mother did, too), but it’s tough, and like I said, the minute you start to resent it — fix it or get out. Don’t give up on your dreams.
Been There, Am There
Dear Been,
Good advice. Here’s more good advice, which I got from an old friend a long time ago: “Don’t let anyone tell you who you are.”
Arrgh. I’m trying to decide if I’m holding on to this guy for a really good reason, or just ’cause he’s a hottie.
He has other good qualities, honest. He’s sweet, romantic, intelligent, artistic, and, most of the time, a very decent person.
But geez does he have his bad points. He’s a terrible listener (getting better, but he does tend to blab right over the point you’re making). If he thinks I’m wrong he’ll go ahead and tell me, but if I tell I think he’s wrong, he’s gotta play the Silent Martyr Act (otherwise known as the “You Treat Me So Horribly Tho I’ll Endure It In Silence Because I Love You So” passion play). He’s TOLD me that I’m not as attractive as some of his ex-girlfriends, and because he said it in a very nice way, does not understand why this rips my guts out.
And, the worst of course, he’s cheated on me once. I had the wonderful fun of walking in on him while he was, um, otherwise engaged. We were at a rough point in our relationship, the sex was suffering, he’d had a few drinks, and he’s apologized all over the place about it, and swears it’ll never happen again. It was about six months ago, and things are going well for us on the surface, but…
My self-esteem is at a lifetime low at this point. Mostly for appearance reasons, I guess (I know I’m no beauty queen, but I take care of myself and my appearance; I know I’m not ugly, just not, y’know, beautiful). He is truly gorgeous, and sometimes I wish I was dating someone homely, just so I wouldn’t feel like I can’t measure up.
He’s told me I have a “beautiful soul,” which is a really romantic thing to say, but wouldn’t it be nice if he could tell me a teensy little lie and tell me I’m beautiful on the outside too?
I’m pretty far from perfect myself, and he seems to be willing to overlook all my bad points. We get along and have the same outlook on life on SO much stuff (like living together. We have separate apartments and it’s GREAT. None of my other boyfriends could ever understand why I need my independence, but THIS guy totally GETS it).
Even though I’m still angry at him for cheating on me, I’m willing to work at regaining my trust in him (anybody can make a stupid mistake, I’ve made them in the past myself), but I keep expecting him to wake up and realize that, sure, I’m a “nice” person, but he could snap his fingers and get the hottest girl in the bar to come home with him, who could be just as “nice” as me, but with the looks to boot.
Part of me wants to dump him and find somebody who I trust completely again, who I can feel special around again. The other (much louder) part wants me to get OVER myself, this isn’t a problem with him, this is a problem with MY self-esteem and MY self-image, and it’d be pretty lousy to trash a good relationship just because I have some petty insecurities.
Plus, he really IS gorgeous.
Sincerely,
Me Me Me It’s Always About Me
Dear Me,
Dude. Do you hear yourself? “I’m no beauty queen.” “[S]ometimes I wish I was dating someone homely, just so I wouldn’t feel like I can’t measure up.”
I don’t blame you for having a few issues about your body image and stuff; after all, the man in your life is tactless and untrustworthy, and it’s difficult not to internalize that to some extent. But you absolutely must stop judging yourself — and him — on the basis of looks. Excuse me, but…he’s hot. He’s not curing cancer. He’s not fighting fires. He’s not helping old ladies across the street, or volunteering at a soup kitchen, or doing the AIDS Walk. He’s pretty. That doesn’t make him a good person, or a better person than you. It certainly doesn’t mean he’s allowed to treat you so cavalierly.
Sometimes, good-looking people treat the rest of us like crap because they’ve learned that they can. That’s what’s going on here, and you’ve got to stop reinforcing that behavior, in him and in yourself. Dump Mr. America, now, and don’t go near another relationship until you get your priorities straight, because you shouldn’t stay in a relationship with a pretty boy who treats you like he’s doing you a favor, and you shouldn’t get into a relationship with anybody else until you learn how to judge people on their real merits.
Tags: boys (and girls)
