The Vine: August 1, 2002
Sars,
An interesting (if by “interesting” I mean “infuriating and rage-inducing”) situation blindsided me yesterday, and I thought I’d run it past you.
Two of my closest friends are getting married in August (as in marrying each other), and their wedding promises to be a hilarious drunkfest attended by a mob of old college friends who haven’t seen each other in about a year or so. The problem comes with the guest list…
Yesterday, I became aware of the fact that my self-important, egomaniacal ex-boyfriend of a year ago is going around telling all of our mutual friends (most of whom I haven’t been in contact with in quite some time) that he didn’t get an invite to the wedding because I instructed the bride and groom not to invite him. Now, this would be fine if I had actually had anything to do with the guest list in the first place, but it’s very clear to any rational individual that in the grown-up world, the bride and groom make the invite list. What makes this situation even worse is that I know the reason he wasn’t invited: THE GROOM HATES HIM, and only tolerated the guy for my sake when we were dating!
While I’ve been told it’s a widely known fact within our circle of friends that the groom has always hated this odious character, it still concerns me to some degree that people at the wedding will look at me like some psycho ex who can’t just let things go (oh the irony!! [shakes fist at sky]). I must also add that this is not the first time he’s done something along these lines, but this one’s extra irritating because a) I haven’t even talked to this guy in a year (since the very day we ended the relationship), and b) this time he used a mutual friend to call me a few weeks back to feel the situation out and see if maybe I had something to do with it.
I’ve suffered through the rest of his shit with a smile, and never did a single thing to him to warrant any of this kind of treatment. Sometimes I forget that these people are supposed to be functioning adults. I guess the question is mostly: What am I supposed to do? I don’t think I can take the heat from something I had nothing to do with AGAIN, but I can’t think of a constructive way to set this straight, if even in his own little ego-driven mind. Also, the mutual “friend” who was sent in like some sort of loser intelligence pisses me off as well, as this is a person I’ve been rather close to for the last five years or so.
Any sage-like advice?
Flaming Pissed and Fed Up
Dear Pissed,
Do nothing.
Your ex has set the situation up so that you can’t win. Say nothing, and people might believe him; try to set the record straight, and you look petty. I understand how infuriating that can get, but believe me, it will look worse for you if you protest too much than if you just shrug it off.
Your ex can talk as much trash as he wants, but that doesn’t make it true, so keep your mouth shut. People believe what they want to believe — and as you pointed out, most rational adults know how wedding guest lists actually work. If anyone mentions his allegations to you directly, comment flatly that that’s not what happened, and change the subject; if these people want to believe that that’s how you operate, you shouldn’t give two shits about their opinion anyway.
As for your go-between friend, let him/her know that you don’t want to hear about or from you ex through him/her anymore; s/he doesn’t have to pick a side, but if your ex has something to say to you, he can grab a pair and pick up the phone like a grown-up. Beyond that, just ignore the whole thing. It’s not worth it.
Hi Sarah —
You seem to have your act together more so than I do, so I figured I’d ask you for some help. I’m not the advice-column kind of person, but this is really bugging me.
My sister (age 17) and I (age 18) are pretty close and get along well. A couple of weeks ago I got a boyfriend, with whom I’m very happy, and I started talking to my sister about how my new relationship was going — nothing intimate, just “we’re really happy” kind of stuff. I had told my mother (with whom I am also pretty close) the day after my boyfriend and I got our feelings sorted through and decided to make it official, and she was likewise happy for me. Then my sister blew me away when she said: “I have a boyfriend, too.”
Her having a boyfriend doesn’t bother me. It’s the next part that’s making me wary: She met this guy in an internet chat room, he attends college in our city (he’s 19; the age difference wouldn’t be a big deal, but I get the feeling it is), and no one but her best friend (who encouraged her to meet guys in chat rooms instead of through normal person-to-person contact) knew about it. To top it off, this guy has been pushing her for sex. It’s been going on for about a month, and she’s been telling Mom and me on weekends that she’s “going out” without any general plan, or lying outright. This is the same girl who considers anyone withholding information to be lying, but because it’s her life, it’s “no one’s business.” Maybe so, but from what she’s told me, this boyfriend sounds pretty weird. Also, our mom has the same stance on lying as my sister does, but she’s not a hypocrite about it, and she would go nuts if she found out that my sister is letting a guy she knows nothing about into the car with her, alone. My sister met him alone the first time they saw each other, and she is also adamant that I don’t tell our mother.
I talked to my boyfriend about this, and he thinks it’s pretty weird too, but neither of us knows what I should do. Should I tell my mom about my sister’s boyfriend (and risk the wrath of my sister, which will last for weeks and shatter any trust she has in me for months), or let it blow over? Please advise.
Caught Between A Rock And A Boulder
Dear Caught,
I agree that something’s weird here, mostly because your sister is going to such lengths to keep the boyfriend a secret. But she did confide in you, so acknowledge that and don’t tell your mom just yet.
I do think you should talk to your sister about that, though — about why she’s hiding it and acting all hinky. Let her know that you think it’s great that she’s found a guy, but that it worries you when she doesn’t say where she’s going or with whom, because that’s kind of dangerous. Remind her that, if a date ever goes bad or she needs your help dealing with a situation or she wants to talk about something, she can call on you, no matter what — and that she can call on your mom if she needs to too, no matter what. Show her your support.
What strikes me about the situation is that your sister seems to know it’s “off” somehow. She’s not telling your mom, she’s sneaking around — she knows you guys won’t approve, so she’s taking it underground, and that’s when people lose control of situations. Make it clear that you don’t judge her, that you just want to know what’s going on; maybe that will inspire her to open up a bit.
And if she gets in over her head with the guy — that’s sort of vague, I know, but you’ll know it when you see it — don’t hesitate to bring your mom in on things.
Sars, great column. Read often, never commented before. I just wanted to add to your advice to Silence Is Golden. I have an uncle who is manic-depressive, and he also talks constantly. Endless drone. Most in the family just tune him out, because it really is too much. He didn’t talk much at all before he started taking medication a few years back (because, previously, he was much more depressive than manic — not good). I don’t know if something bipolar could be a factor for Silence Is Golden’s non-stoppedly-talking husband, but I thought I’d mention it, for whatever it’s worth.
Anyway, I think your advice to “Golden” was golden; she shouldn’t have to put up with it, and hubby shouldn’t be kept in the dark.
Sally Forth
Dear Sally,
That’s an excellent insight — I semi-touched on it when I told her to ask him why he can’t put a lid on it for more than five minutes, but it hadn’t actually occurred to me that the blathering could come from a chemical problem.
Another reader suggested that perhaps SIG’s husband suffers from ADD. Either way, he might benefit from a full work-up at the doctor’s office to make sure everything’s okay. If it’s something he really can’t control on his own, he can get medications (and possibly therapy also) to help him with it.
[8/1/02]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette the fam
