The Vine: August 10, 2001
Dear Sars,
I just read the letter from Stuck in the Middle and figured I would comment on it, since I have had a similar issue with a friend of my boyfriend’s, and I have a history of being seriously blunt with those I consider very close friends.
Stuck in the Middle: Your friend knows how everyone feels about her boyfriend; when none of your friends likes your boyfriend, it’s obvious. Your advice is one approach to the problem, and it may work…for awhile. There is a risk, though, that if the boyfriend is as much of a jackass as everyone feels he is, eventually your friend is going fade out of your lives. It is a terrible feeling to be left out of events and not know why (which she won’t if she is in denial about it; she will just think you all don’t like her anymore). It sucks to lose your friends, which may well happen when your group gets REALLY tired of the guy. In addition, if the boyfriend goes along on the weekend and has a miserable time, he may get even more in the way of her hanging out with your crew, alienating her even more.
Now, we would hope that your friend would have a ton of self-confidence to A. stick up for herself and B. override his manipulative gestures, but from what you have said, that may not be the case. Confronting your friend may not be easy, but if the friendship is strong and has years behind it, it will survive one difficult conversation. The way I would approach, and have approached, situations like this is as follows: Sit your friend down, over a table in a public place, so blowing up isn’t as likely. Ease her into it by telling her how much you love her and enjoy her friendship, as do the rest of your friends (try not to be too sappy), and proceed to tell her that her man doesn’t seem to mesh well with your group. Don’t launch into it by saying, “Your boyfriend is a bit of a dick and we all hate him, keep him away from us.” Try “your boyfriend doesn’t seem to really enjoy our company.” Specific examples are a must, and make sure to convey that the main reason you’re telling her about this is that you really care for her and want to spend time with her, but in the past it has upset you and/or everyone else that he has not always treated her well. She will get defensive, there is no doubt about it, but that’s not such a bad thing if you remember not to take her reaction personally. Try not to get defensive yourself, it will just add fuel to her defensiveness.
Now when it comes to the weekend, let her decide whether or not to bring him after the talk. Asking her not to bring him is too much for a conversation that is already going to be tough for her to hear. Women lose good friends too often because their friends are too afraid to be honest with them about their boyfriends, and finding good female friends is tough. So, do everything you can to keep the ones that you have.
Sincerely,
Blunt But Kind
Dear Blunt,
An entirely more tactful suggestion than mine, and it just might work…but I’ve got to say, probably won’t. Honesty is often the best policy, and it’s worth a try, I suppose…but I’ve seen this situation go down a half dozen times in my life, and not once has the friend not gathered up her boyfriend and stomped out of her friends’ lives in a huff, or brought it up resentfully in conversation every time she sees the rest of them all “So do you like ‘im yet? Do ya? Do ya? Why nooooooot?”
But while we’re on the subject…your boyfriend? BUGS THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
(Hee. Just kidding!)
Hey Sars,
My friend (for the sake of the problem, she’s known as “Wendy”) is in second year university, and attends the same university as one of her closest friends; she is in a really tricky situation and she doesn’t know what she should do. Here’s the problem: Her friend (for argument’s sake, let’s call her “Rachel’) has played around, and flirted with most of the guys in her course. She’s kissed a few, but generally has most of them wanting to go out with her; most important, she’s burned this guy, Kieran, who is also a close friend of Wendy’s, when she rejected him, and consequently, he was really upset because he truly liked her. Now, most of the guys in her course just see her as a slut, and one guy (Danny) has taken it upon himself to “teach her a lesson” and expose her as a slut. They’ve gone to about third base (oral), on the premise of it being a “casual relationship,” and she’s fine (or so she says) about that, but Wendy knows Rachel wants more, and later this week, Rachel has set it up to lose her virginity to him, which Wendy personally thinks is a bad thing. But here’s the bigger problem: If Wendy tells her this (and she knows it for a fact), Rachel’ll crack it with her for not alerting her to it sooner, knowing what he was planning, but Wendy knows that Rachel is going to do it anyway and disregard her advice…but Wendy just thinks if Rachel is not aware of her actions and the fact that she’s gone so far with this guy, and it’s her business, that Wendy should keep out of it. But at the same time, Wendy feels personally responsible for what is going to happen, and she’s really confused about the whole situation.
I know my punctuation may not be the best, but hopefully you can help me to help my friend.
Sincerely,
SJJD
Dear SJJD,
Okay, let me make sure I’ve got this right. Rachel smooched around with a few guys, including Kieran, who’s a friend of Wendy’s. Then this Danny guy decided to pull a Dangerous Liaisons on Rachel by sleeping with her and then bruiting it about that she’s a slut. Wendy knows Danny’s going to do this, and if she tells Rachel, Rachel will dump her as a friend for knowing about it and not saying anything, and she’ll go ahead and sleep with Danny anyway — but if Wendy doesn’t say anything, Rachel gets set up by Danny, even though she’s allegedly fine with a strictly physical relationship. Do I have that straight?
Well, now it’s time for Wendy to get something straight. Danny is a misogynistic psychopath. No adult male should give even the tiniest shit that a girl kisses a bunch of boys, much less set out to destroy her like she’s Mata fucking Hari. “Teach her a lesson”? What is this, a Hawthorne novel? Danny is a neurotic, deluded little fuckwad. Kissing many different boys does not a slut make. Sleeping with many different boys does not a slut make. Do you know what makes a slut? Sexist men (and women) who can’t handle the idea of a woman enjoying the pleasures of sex and not getting punished for it, and who sneer her down as a slut with all the corrosive bitterness that closed-minded, Victorian-era self-righteousness can supply.
The Kieran thing is unfortunate, but it’s incidental. Wendy needs to tell Rachel what’s going on with Danny, because he’s not right in the head. And if Rachel does go ahead and sleep with Danny, and he carries through on his “mastermind” “plan” to “ruin” her “reputation,” Wendy needs to remind Rachel every day that we don’t live in the nineteen-goddamn-fifties and as long as she uses protection, respects the feelings of others, and feels okay about having sex, she’s not a slut and she shouldn’t let some twisted little Puritan whose mommy made him pee sitting down tell her who she is.
Yeah, yeah, it’s college drama, but Danny is a disgusting little shitpie, and I’d hate to hear that he poisoned Rachel’s enjoyment of sex.
Dear Sars,
I have just bounced seven checks. (Please do not look at me like that; it frankly makes me want to tear up. Thank you.) I have a ten-year-old brother and sister (yes, they’re twins), for whom I bought school clothes and supplies to the tune of $500. Our parents were supposed to reimburse me, but because they are divorced and hate each other and all that that implies, they have each decided that the other is responsible for the expenses; consequently, Schmez is not reimbursed and bounces seven checks.
Now, you can’t solve the problem with my parents (no one can), so I’m not asking for help in that area. What I am asking is how do I get the bank to cut back on the $210 worth of rubber check fees they have imposed upon me? Is there any way? I know it was my mistake, but I was hoping maybe they would halve the fees. I read your column this week (on customer service) and was hoping you’d have some insight. For the record: I do not have a history of NSF checks. I have been with this bank (a national chain, not a local bank, unfortunately) for about six years and have not bounced a check in four.
Thank you, Sars. I remain your fan,
Schmez
Dear Schmez,
Well, before you do anything — and I know you didn’t want advice on this but you’ll get some anyway — submit a bill to your parents’ lawyers for the $500 and the bank fees. I’m not kidding. That’s complete bullshit. If they want to punish each other, that’s fine, but they can leave you and your siblings out of it.
As for the check fees, there’s probably not much you can do. Everyone’s got a story like yours, and the bank rep has probably heard just about everything. But it can’t hurt to try to appeal to them.
Go into your branch office, dressed nicely, and ask politely to speak to a customer-service rep (and yes, you should do it in person — over the phone, they won’t feel as bad about turning you down as if you’re sitting in front of them). Sit down with the rep and explain what happened. Say that you understand they probably can’t make exceptions, but given the special circumstances and your formerly spotless banking record, you wonder if they’d consider waiving a couple of the returned-check charges, or at least suspending them for a period of time until you can get the money out of your parents to cover the checks. Add that you really like banking there, and whatever they decide, you appreciate the fact that someone took the time to listen.
Maybe they’ll work with you and maybe they won’t, but you won’t know unless you try.
[8/10/01]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships sex the fam
