When I started college, I’d planned to use my history degree to teach high school social studies. Only after I’d completed most of the teaching endorsement requirements did I discover that I’d really hate teaching. Something about the whole easily-annoyed-by-kids thing along with the standards and bureaucracy that go along with No Child Left Behind. When I started feeling suffocated in my Education classes, like I wanted to run from the classroom screaming, I knew I had to get out. So now, just a few credits shy of getting the endorsement, I’ll be graduating with only the history degree.

Well, what to do with that? I decided law school might be a great match for me. I procrastinated other assignments in favor of prepping for the LSAT. I knew that, in order to get a scholarship to the only nearby law school, I had to score well. I did. I could get a full scholarship to other schools, and the one I want to go to offered 75% tuition. I was happy. I told my parents, friends, and in-laws. I was headed to law school!

Only…not so much. Turns out it is a merit scholarship, but the receipient must also show financial need. Which, apparently, I don’t have. My husband worked a ton last year and made too much money for me to qualify. The scholarship was revoked in entirety, and they’re telling me that we can afford to pay the $23,000 a year out of pocket. Which we can’t. (And for the record, I think it’s pretty shitty to give a scholarship only to take it away later.) There’s student loans, true, but I’m not at all ready to commit to taking on $70,000 of loans to add to the $28,000 from undergrad that I already have. Lawyers only make about $40,000/yr in this area, in the beginning at least. I could get a scholarship elsewhere, but my husband and I love it here. We just bought a house, he adores his job, and we have a support network of family and friends.

I cried and moped a little. Okay, a lot. And now I’m trying to figure out what to do next. Law school is pretty much out for me at this point.

Option 1 is to get a Master’s degree in History from the same school I’ve been going to. It would mean three semesters of classes, $18,000 more in loans, and would position me to work as a professor at a community college. The starting salary would be around $32,000. I can’t go for the Ph.D. because it is not offered here. I think I wouldn’t like getting the actual degree, but I would love the teaching job. Part of me has always wanted to be a professor.

Option 2 is to get a paralegal certificate from the community college nearby. It would take a year, and would cost $3300. This would enable me to start working for around $26,000 a year after I’d completed the program and has the additional benefit of exposing me to the same types of classes I’d be taking during the first year of law school. Then, if I really liked it, I could transfer and become a lawyer.

Option 3 is to just go to the damn law school. I kinda had my heart set on it anyway. The loans terrify me, but most of all, I’m scared of getting into it and finding out I hate it — much like I did with my earlier high school teacher plan. And if I then decided to drop out, it’d all have been a very expensive mistake.

Option 4 is to just sit around awhile. Take a few crappy jobs, like cashiering or waitressing, while I wait for inspiration to strike. The one thing that is obvious, though, is that I need to make some sort of decision soon. I’m getting all sorts of pressure from everyone — namely my in-laws — to decide what I want to do. I get the feeling they are sick of seeing me financially dependent on their son. (I haven’t worked at any point in the 4+ years we’ve been married. I was fortunate enough to be able to concentrate solely on school.)

Any ideas? I’m torn, and I feel sick every time I think about the way all my plans have collapsed in the last two weeks.

Thanks!
Angry and Disappointed

“All your plans”? Why, exactly, did you want to go to law school? Because you thought it “might be a good match” for you, right, I saw that. Why?

Because the thing is, the first year of law school? Sucks. It’s just a brutal amount of work, by design, to weed out the non-serious and the people who went to law school because they didn’t know what else to do. And when you get out of law school, it’s not my understanding that the workload gets a whole lot lighter; you just get paid better for muscling through it.

My point isn’t to talk you out of Option 3; my point is that I don’t think you get that, in whatever field you wind up choosing, there is dues-paying to be done before you really get anywhere, and that there is a reason “job” and “cotton candy” aren’t synonyms.

Yes, you’re in a pickle, but…that’s the way it goes. You need to stop bailing on things because you might not like them and backing off plans because it’s too hard to follow through on them. No, you might not like the law, and you might not like teaching college students, but the fact is, you won’t like any job every day, and some days (and weeks), you’ll freakin’ hate it, because it’s a job, and that’s how it is with jobs. I mean, I love my job, but it’s had me on the mat all summer. Tough. That’s the job. That’s…jobs, period.

I’m kind of with your in-laws, not because your husband shouldn’t support you — and if you really want to go to law school, sit down with him and find a way to make it work financially, loans and all, because you’re a grown-up and you need to start thinking like one more confidently — but because it’s time to make a decision, and more importantly, it’s time to live with it, whatever it is. You’re letting all of this paralyze you. Figure out what you want to do; failing that, figure out what to do in the meantime and do it, full-bore, because that will clarify things in a way that sitting around picking your cuticles and dithering just can’t.

Go. Doesn’t matter where. Sack up.

Hi Sars,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I met him at work. He is a great guy, lots of fun and absolutely everyone loves him. We have fun together, and have mutual friends that we hang out with often. We also have our own friends, and make sure to have an element of our lives separate from each other.

My problem is this: He is 33 years old (I am 26), and he constantly drinks. It’s really starting to bother me. We have a lot of work functions that we are invited to. He always drinks so much that I have to drive home. On the weekends, it’s the same thing. We go hang out with our mutual friends, and he drinks too much, to the point where he can hardly speak. I don’t mind the driving bit. I partied hard in college, but don’t drink to excess that much anymore.

But it really bothers me that his weekend days are always spent sleeping off his hangover. His conversations the next day usually consist of “man, I was drunk last night.” My question is, is that enough of a reason to break up with someone? He is a little more immature than I would like, but I just don’t know if I’m being realistic in my expectations. Not every relationship is perfect. Whenever I bring this up to him, his response is usually “this is how I was when you met me,” and I don’t see him changing his habits anytime soon.

As far as work goes, he’s great at his job, keeps getting promotions, and has done really well for himself. I’ve learned a lot from him in that respect.

Thanks,
At What Age Is It Time To Act Grown-Up?

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Dear It Ain’t 32, From What I’ve Seen (Heh),

Yes, it’s enough of a reason. He’s a problem drinker, and it’s affecting your relationship; that’s pretty much that. He does have a point in that you can’t expect to change him, but that’s sort of a universal point that I make in The Vine all the time — that you can’t really control anyone’s behavior except your own.

So, I think you should have a talk with him about his behavior, but frame it in terms of your behavior — like, “When you have too much to drink, and I have to take care of you and I have to wait for you to wake up and spend time with me, it makes me feel like booze is more important to you than I am, and when you get so trashed you can’t function, I feel embarrassed. And I don’t want to feel that way anymore. What you do about that is up to you; I’m telling you how I feel.”

Don’t apologize for yourself; don’t agree to a “compromise” where he “gets to” drink two nights a week and then he’s “good” for the other five. The problem here is that alcohol continues to be the focal point of the relationship for you, and if you get into a whole horse-trading discussion about how much he’s “allowed” to drink, it puts you in a Scary Mommy role where you have to stay on top of him about it, plus every time you want to have a glass of pinot, he gets all bent out of shape…it’s not a negotiation, is my point. You don’t like the way he drinks; you want him to think about that. That’s all. That’s all you should say; that’s all you can do.

And if he’s not willing to take a look at how he spends his time and emotional capital in that way, it’s time to at least consider walking away from him — not to teach him a lesson, but because, really, you can’t. All you can do is identify behavior that you can’t deal with, and decline to deal with it. And I know it’s hard when the guy is more or less functional at work, and you like arguing with him about movies, and he has foxy sideburns, and it’s not like you’ve never drunk a bunch of pints yourself…I know all that. I’ve thought all that. But if you feel like there’s another person in the relationship sometimes? And it’s actually booze? …Yeah. You don’t need that.

[8/10/05]

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