The Vine: August 11, 2010
Hey Sars.
So here’s the deal. My husband and I have four kids, one on the way, and two aging beagles. Everything was great — until all of a sudden it wasn’t. Our fourth child was born last August with a major unexpected genetic defect that has caused significant developmental delays (as is, he’s 10 months old and can’t hold his head up), and six weeks after the birth, his previously perfectly healthy 19-month-old brother very suddenly went in to unexplained liver failure and received a transplant two weeks later.
We’ve gotten by emotionally and financially, thanks to a great support system and our savings, respectively, but the money is about to run out…as in, “How much longer should we bother to pay the mortgage?” run out.
My husband is an engineer, and I was in finance prior to all this. On paper we’re not poor, but I was suddenly unable to work to help keep up with expenses, and the medical and pharmacy bills have been significant. In short, if this can happen to us, it could really happen to anyone.
I’m writing because the younger of our two dogs, Sara, is very sick, and we are no longer in a position to take care of her. It’s horrifying, really, but we’re kind of out of options if we want to keep paying for medicines, therapies, and medical equipment. She has a large cystic mass on her neck — about the size of her head, and over two pounds — that needs to be removed, but the surgery and subsequent hospitalization, at $1000-1500, is more than we can afford. We believe that if this mass is removed, she can still have years of healthy life ahead of her.
What should we do?What are our options?Friends and family have been more than generous with unsolicited help for our human children, and our vet is sympathetic, but unwilling to help with the costs. Euthanasia seems premature, and would devastate our two older children, who are really attached to Sara and have been through enough emotional trauma in the last 12 months, frankly. The emotional burdens have been so overwhelming for the last year that I wonder if I’m not missing an obvious solution. Any suggestions from you or the readers would be greatly appreciated.
Trying to make it through this summer without any additional grief
Dear Grief,
What does “unwilling to help with the costs” mean, exactly? A lot of vets will agree to an installment plan for the payments if the financial situation is really dire. If you haven’t already, explain to the vet everything you just told me, and ask if you can’t have six months or a year to pay off the procedure…because the other option is having her put down, and what a lot of people forget in the trauma of that situation is that it isn’t inexpensive either.
That vet may just be totally inflexible, so get a second opinion — and a third and fourth, if necessary. Make sure that the procedure really will cost that much (or will “only” cost that much), really will extend her life significantly, really will close that particular chapter of Sara’s health history, and/or really has to be paid for in full up front.
Do some research online as well; look up beagle rescue organizations and sites that focus on beagles, not to try to give Sara away but to see if they have any advice, medical or financial, that might help you.
It’s a hassle, but it’s a family member; human or not, you have a responsibility to her. I suspect that the primary issue here is your current vet’s unwillingness to work with you on the payments, so start there.
Hi, Sars —
A few years ago, a man I knew in my small city was arrested and ultimately convicted of having child porn on his home computer and distributing it to others. He went off to jail. He was sort of in my field, so before the arrest, I used to run into him a few times a year.
After he was released from prison (I think he served about a year), he came back to our town, and our mutual field. Here’s the question: what do I do when I run into him? He came by my office, unannounced, a month or so ago to interview one of my employees for a local paper. I wasn’t there at the time, but it got me thinking. I am revolted by the thought that he directly supported this revolting industry, and I guess I sort of wish he would slink off and try to start over somewhere else. Instead, he acts like nothing ever happened, like his arrest and conviction weren’t in the paper for everyone to see.
I am unlikely to see him except in very public settings, and while I do not want to chat with him, I also can’t see myself deliberately ignoring him if he speaks to me. Is there a quick, quiet way to get out of a conversation with him? Do I have a moral obligation to tell him that I think what he did was repugnant?
What Would Sars Do?
Dear Do,
Greet him in an even tone, and excuse yourself immediately. If you see him coming far enough ahead, you can get your phone out and peer at it, “absorbed,” which then allows you to do the old “hey how’s it going sorry I gotta take this.”
But I don’t think you need to make up a reason for not chit-chatting with him; he should know why you don’t care to shoot the shit, and if he doesn’t, that isn’t your problem. I don’t think you have an obligation in the other direction either, really; if he cluelessly wonders why you’re rushing off, you can tell him you don’t feel comfortable socializing with a man convicted of that particular offense, but barging up to him all “aaaaaand YOU” is just creating aggro where none need exist.
Keep it short, don’t explain, and leave the room.
Sars,
I have an extensive movie collection that includes several foreign films, and I was wondering how the alphabetization rules worked across languages. Specifically, do you still ignore foreign articles? Where should El Norte and La Vie en Rose be alphabetized? Also, 8½: under
“E” for “eight”? Or under “O” for “otto“?
When Two Different Forms of Nerdery Collide
Dear Nerdery,
From the Chicago Manual‘s section 18.52, Foreign-language titles beginning with an article:
Since initial articles in foreign titles sometimes modify the following word, they are usually retained in an index. They follow the rest of the title in main headings but remain, as in English titles, in their normal position in run-in subentries. Articles are ignored in alphabetizing.
[A list follows in which Luboff’s Un deux trois is indexed under “U,” not “D.”]
An indexer unfamiliar with the language of a title should make sure that the article is indeed an article and not a number…French un and une, for example, and German ein and eine can mean one as well as a. In the absence of verification, the indexer will do better to alphabetize all foreign titles just as they appear in text, without inversion. Inversion is customary but not mandatory[.] [Extended italics mine.]
So, in the examples you cite, I believe El Norte is an “N” and La Vie en Rose goes under “V.”
Numbers…this is my personal preference and not really derived from any style guide, but it’s usually easier to group all numbers together in their Arabic order. You can file the Fellini in the numbered-title section ahead of 2001.
Tags: cats etiquette Federico Fellini grammar the fam workplace
@WWSD: Some people have been unfairly penalized for possession of child porn through no fault of their own due to hacking. I’m not saying this man is innocent – I’m saying you don’t know all of the facts in this case. And bear in mind that innocent people go to jail every day. Maybe he is acting like he did nothing wrong because he really did nothing wrong. It’s a possibility, after all. Just understand that your assumptions here may be slightly off or altogether wrong.
Also – he has “paid his debt to society” insofar as he served his time. The idea is that justice metes punishment and then people are restored to society, free to resume or rebuild their lives. This man has every right to attempt to do just that.
My best advice is to treat him the way you yourself would want to be treated in you were in the exact same position.
When my “son” Orville, a Basset Hound, passed away, my vet’s office made a contribution to the “Helping Pets” fund of the American Animal Hospitals Association:
http://www.aahahelpingpets.org/
Grief, you should see if your vet participates in this program (and folks here should check it out in general, too). I had never heard of it until I got the donation notice, and it seems like a great program.
Grief, I’m sorry for what you are going through. I have two cats (one with health problems) and an 8 month old (no health problems, thankfully) and can’t imagine trying to make that choice. It might help if you look for help with your people bills rather than the vet bills since there may be more options. If you are not aware, people hospitals will nearly always be able to work out a payment plan or even forgive some or all of the debt. Could that free up enough money to help with the dog and even the mortgage?
I think self + spouse + kids are primary, parents+siblings+cousins+cetera are secondary, and pets are tertiary. Didn’t seem too offensive to me. But I also don’t get what “deeply desired” means.
(late to the game)
Based on the rest of the tone of the “disagreeing” letter (I forget who wrote it) and the acknowledgment of Grief’s issues, I assumed that “deeply desired” meant something that is not necessarily going to prolong or sustain life, but will make life meaningful.
For instance, speech therapy might not be strictly *necessary* – there are plenty of people who do just fine with speech disorders or being entirely unable to speak – but what parent would not “deeply desire” that his/her child be able to communicate easily and effectively with others?
I didn’t get the sense that the commenter was referring to “I-wanna”s or Christmas lists, but rather to those things that every parent wants for their child, even though we know that many children get by without them – college education, professional speech or physical therapy, motorized wheelchair instead of manual, van with chairlift instead of Honda Civic hatchback, etc.
Turn things around a little bit: Let’s say you have to choose between paying for a liver transplant and speech therapy. Liver transplant is necessary and vital and urgent. Speech therapy is definitely “deeply desired,” presumably by all parties, but if you HAVE to prioritize the two things, liver transplant is going to come out on top. Seemed to me that the commenter was saying that “sick dog” should come after “speech therapy for child.” So to speak. (And, of course, I don’t think Grief needed to be told that – she’s clearly got her priorities in order.)
“Tertiary family member” did confuse me, too, but Emmers’s comment on that makes good sense.
Finally, to Grief: author Neil Gaiman’s dog, Cabal, recently had a successful surgery for something that sounds very similar to what your Sara is going through. He’s very active on Twitter (Gaiman, not Cabal) and I bet you’d have donations out the wazoo within an hour if he spread the word. I add my voice to those suggesting you (or someone) make a site for donations for Sara, link to it here, and take a chance on emailing Gaiman and/or his assistant, Lorraine, asking them for help getting the word out. If you can catch their attention, I do not think you will be disappointed.
Yes, Emmers, that’s exactly what I meant by “tertiary” and yes, eee, that’s exactly what I meant by “deeply desired.” With your clarifications, I think my points were pretty clear and inoffensive.
I hope things are working out, Grief. Take it easy!