Silly problem, but I’m open to some advice.

It seems that my ten-year high school reunion is approaching. In actuality it’s about eight months away, but I’m getting inundated with weekly emails about plans, potential activities, and “gosh I miss you guys” sappy thoughts. For me, high school didn’t suck every day I was there, but often enough that I would never want to go back to that age. Also, I had a core group of friends in high school that I haven’t even spoken to in six or seven years, without missing much in my opinion. My life basically took a career path; I went to college, then law school, then to a professional job. I recently took a job back in my hometown because it was a step up career-wise and I was able to be closer to my family. I have developed a great group of friends since high school that live near and far.

Most of my high school classmates went to college and got married right away. I’m not sure marriage is something I’m interested in, and frankly while I admire those who make a good go of marriage, I don’t believe it is the end-all, be-all of existence. However, with all this reunion-based correspondence, I feel like I’m being forced to justify why I’m not paired up. I don’t think it much of anybody’s business since I don’t feel like I know these people anymore and I doubt they really care, but it still irks me.

I guess my main question though is: Should I go to my reunion? I graduated with about 220 people, and there are about 20 I’d be interested in seeing (although half of those will DEFINITELY never show up for something like this). Do you have any pointers to get through the evening(s)? I read you fantastic account of going to your college reunion and I was hoping for an updated, insightful help to get through this, if I decide to go.

Thanks for the help.

Dreading her reunion

A friend of mine once told me not to bother going to any reunion before the twentieth; the rationale is that you stay in touch with the people you want to, and not enough happens in five or ten or fifteen years to make the rest of the people you went to school with interesting anyway. Just based on my college tenth, I’d have to say, the man had a point. A harsh point, but a point. I’d skip it.

But I’d skip it because I thought none of the people I hung out with would go either, not because of the “everyone’s married” thing. I completely agree that that particular achievement signifier gets annoying after a while, but the problem is that it’s the only one everyone can relate to, even if the relating is of the grumbly variety. I’ve had my career achievements, but it takes longer to explain them than it does to say “I got married.” It’s a big event, everyone “gets” what it means…don’t take it too personally.

If you do go to the reunion, you can have some pretty surprising conversations with people — people you didn’t know well who happen to work in your field now, or people you hung out with a lot freshman year and lost track of but still think of fondly. You might run across a few cool folks you barely knew back then, just waiting in line for the ladies’. The average reunion is a crapshoot, but that’s kind of fun sometimes.

And if you go, you’ll need 1) a wingman, and 2) a surefire conversational gambit to get you neatly out of lame conversations. The wingman is key. If none of your friends from back then is going, bring your own — a friend from work, your sister, a date, whatever works. The wingman guarantees you a friendly soul to talk to, a witness, and, should you need one, an excuse to leave early if the reunion blows. The gambit is also key. Don’t get bogged down in conversations; you haven’t kept in touch with these people, and presumably don’t plan to in the future, so when you get bored or realize you actually despise your conversation partner, deploy the gambit and move on. Even a mysterious “Could you…excuse me?” works.

I’d wait for the twentieth, but if you try this one, don’t expect too much — or too little. Bring a date and watch the open bar work its awful magic.

Dear Sars,

I broke up with my boyfriend of four years last night, and now I feel like shit. It’s not the breaking up part so much as my reaction to it that’s bothering me. It’s not that we were friends for six years before that, and now I’ve given that up too. My big problem is that my daughter loves him like a father. She’s five, and I keep feeling guilty for hurting everyone, and then I get mad at myself for feeling guilty. Then I cry a lot, and the people at work try to give me “space.”

I know I was right to do this, our relationship hasn’t been good either emotionally or physically for about a year and a half. But I feel like I let everyone (including his parents and our friends) down, and I really don’t know what to say to my daughter.

I know you don’t have kids, but I was hoping either you or your other readers might have some advice on how to let her know my ex won’t be back, but that he really does still love her. She’s so little, and I don’t want her to think he left her.

Thanks,
A sad mom

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Dear Sad,

You just broke up with the guy last night. Worry about yourself for a few days before you think about how to broach the subject with your daughter. I don’t generally advise lying to kids, primarily because it just doesn’t work that well — kids sense things — but if you need to take a week or two to get your own head straight, nobody’s going to condemn you for feeding your daughter a line about your ex. Tell her he’s “away,” or don’t tell her anything. Let the break-up settle before you make any decisions about what you say to her on the subject.

And before you say anything to her, ask your ex if/how he sees his relationship with your daughter continuing. Emphasize that you don’t mean to pressure him, but that eventually you’ll have to tell your daughter something, and you’d like to know which something so you can help her start dealing with it. Maybe he plans to come around now and then and spend some time with her — not the easiest thing for you to deal with, at least at first, but probably easier for your daughter to integrate into her worldview than if he’s not around at all. So, find out what he’s thinking in that regard.

Either way, I don’t know what I would say to a five-year-old. My instinct is to tell her straight up that he’s gone, that it’s not her fault, and that it’s okay for her to feel sad about it — you feel sad too, but you’ll get through it together. But I don’t know whether it’s better to sugarcoat it with a kid that age or give it to her straight. Readers?

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Dear Sars,

This isn’t a huge problem, nor is it life-threatening, but it is one I’m having trouble solving — or solving in a way that feels right to me. Any/all advice would be more than greatly appreciated.

So, here’s the thing: My boyfriend and I live eight hours apart. And nope, that’s not that problem. That’s actually something we’re negoiating fairly well. When we met, we were already living eight hours apart, and we went into this relationship with lines clearly drawn and a pretty good awareness of the inherent problems. So far (seven months in), it’s working — much better than even I anticipated.

The problem is that said boyfriend lives in the same town as my parents — a town I haven’t lived in full-time since I was seventeen. My parents and I are pretty close, especially my mother and I. But I’ve never had a serious relationship while living with them — and therein lies the problem.

When I go home, I naturally stay at my parents’ house. However, lately, when I’m going home, it’s not to see them; it’s to see the boyfriend (I’ll call him “M”). Since M and I live eight hours apart, when we do end up in the same ten-mile vicinity, we tend to want to spend a great deal of time together — and that time includes nights. Although my parents do know that we’re sleeping together (like I said, Mom and I are pretty darn close), they do not approve of the idea of me spending nights at his place when I’m home; that has been made more than clear. And I really do want to be respectful of my parents and their home. But — come on! Eight. Hours. We’re lucky to see each other once a month; I’d like to take advantage of that as much as possible.

So, there’s the question: Is there a way I can stay at M’s without offending my parents? Is it selfish of me to put what I want first when it IS their home? Or should I just suck it up and go along with the “their rules, their roof” thing?

Eight Hours From Luurve

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Dear Eight,

I don’t understand — if you don’t share a bed with M in their house, why does it matter whether they approve? You’ve already turned eighteen, I assume. How does “their home” even enter into it?

Yes, it might “offend” your parents if you stay with M, but I think you should stay with M during your visits anyway — for the length of the visit. You don’t come all that way to see your parents; you come all that way to see M, and you should make overnight arrangements that reflect that fact. Will it hurt your parents’ feelings? Maybe, but you should gently explain to them that they haven’t left you much choice — you love them, and you’d love to stay with them, but not if they keep treating you like a teenager. Your relationship with M is an adult one, and they don’t get to dictate how it’s conducted, so if they want to see you, they can meet you for brunch.

Their disapproval is their affair; they don’t have to like that you share a bed with M. But if you don’t stay in their house, you don’t have to deal with their rules, so, don’t.

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Dear Sars,

Ignoring the fact that one should avoid the passive voice, which of the following sentences is preferable?

a) “It is unclear what is the best course of action to take”
b) “It is unclear what the best course of action is to take”
or
c) “It is unclear what the best course of action to take is”

I favor a), and then c). However, a person who thinks b) is best told me that my choice of a) reflects an English-as-a-second-language grammar. Unfortunately, I’m actually a native speaker, and this comment rankles me. It doesn’t help that this is just one in a long line of insulting comments this person has made to me. Is my opinion valid on this issue, at least?

Thank you for your time.

Annoyed Advisee

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Dear AA,

Not to rankle you further, but I’d go with “d) none of the above”…and if I had to use one of the ones on offer, I’d go with b). I don’t know from ESL grammar, but b) is the least stilted and confusing, given what the phrasing is trying to do.

The problem isn’t the passive voice — none of these examples even uses the passive voice. The problem is extraneous verb phrases. You don’t need “to take”; it’s implied in the phrase “course of action.” You don’t need the impersonal third-person “it is unclear,” either, not when you have a subject built into the sentence already.

“The best course of action is unclear.” The next time you have a chopped salad of little phrases like that and you don’t know how to order them, think about whether you really need all of them.

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I recently finished my first year in university in science. It did not go well, to say the least. I was a brain in high school — excellent grades and involvement in all sorts of extra-curricular activities. I was not popular, but I had respect. Then I came to university. And everything SUCKS.

My grades this year are low. Very, very, very low. I couldn’t keep up with the workload, I couldn’t concentrate for homesickness, I HATE my major. HATE IT! I was so depressed. I made no friends. I am very shy and couldn’t find the energy to be overly friendly. Now my parents are extremely disappointed in me, and I will probably be on academic probation this year. All in all, it was a craptastic year.

So, my question to you is, how much of this is just the usual freshman stuff? Does everyone go through this? Right now I hate university life, but I don’t know if it’s just because of this year or if I am really not liking this. I could ask some of my high school friends who went to college, but the smartest gal in the class failing first year will only give them something to laugh about. Yes, it’s my pride. But it’s all I have left!

Anyway, I don’t know if I’ve made any sense or if I’m being overly dramatic, but I could use some sage advice.

Failing Freshman Freakin’ Out

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Dear F3O,

A lot of people have trouble freshman year. The workload is harder than you’d expected, especially in the maths and sciences; said workload doesn’t give you a lot of time to acclimate to an unfamiliar environment; maybe it’s your first time away from home, and you don’t do so well balancing independence and inexperience.

I would give it another year at the same university, and I would go into that year worrying less about how you do in your studies than how your studies do for you. It’s possible that science isn’t for you, right now or at all, and better you figure that out early on and bail out instead of making yourself miserable with a course of study you hate and suck at. I mean, my freshman year had its ups and downs adjustment-wise, but if I’d had to take pre-med courses on top of that, I would have stabbed myself to death with a sharpened Snickers bar by the end of October.

So, study a wider range of subjects. Ease up on your schedule and see if that helps you socially. See how it goes, and if you get to the end of another semester and you still hate it, consider ditching science entirely, or taking a year off, or transferring.

And by the way, the word “friends” tends to imply a certain amount of sympathy and helpfulness; they probably won’t rush to the nearest phone to snicker at your misfortune, so ask them about their experiences and get some perspective.

[8/12/03]

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