The Vine: August 14, 2001
Sars,
Again, your response to SJJD just rocks. There is a superb book called Slut!: Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation by Leora Tanenbaum that might be valuable for all parties involved to read, as I am sensing there might be some issues that SJJD has with Rachel’s behavior.
But regardless of whether or not there is judging going on, it is a great book and deals quite well with the issue of how young women are punished for their sexuality.
shfree
Dear shfree,
Thanks for the recommendation. I haven’t read it but it’s just gone on my Amazon wish list.
You might want to pass along a little info to “Schmez” regarding NSF fees. I work in banking, and there are a few things that can be done:
First, check your account statement carefully. You report $210 in NSF fees for seven checks. There are rather arcane laws governing how banks must process NSF checks. The details vary based on geography, but it usually comes down to this: banks must process checks in order to minimize NSF fees. For example, if a person has $100 in their account and three checks come in one night for $10, $15 and $120, the bank must process the first two checks before the third check. In this case, the first two checks would clear and the third one would be tagged NSF and charged a fee. Unfortunately, many banks do just the opposite in an effort to generate fee income. They would process the third check first, tag it NSF and then process the first two checks (which would also be tagged NSF). Thus they would charge the customer three NSF fees rather than one. In most places, this is illegal. Unfortunately, I used to work at one of the top five banks in the US and it had programmed its systems to do just that. Really sad, if you think about it, because this penalizes those who are least able to afford it. A lawsuit finally ended this practice at my former employer but many banks continue to process NSF checks illegally.
After you review your records, head to the bank. Sars’s advice was a great place to start. You should dress nicely and act very politely. Most bank tellers are empowered to reverse NSF fees on the spot. You should keep in mind, however, that this is one of the few “powers” these overworked individuals have and so they sometimes wield it a little overzealously. Being polite is the best way to get in their good graces. That said, if the teller won’t reverse the fees, it is worth speaking with an assistant manager or branch manager. Especially if a teller is new, they may be hesitant to waive fees. Managers are often more willing to deal.
Once you are speaking with a manager, be reasonable. It sounds corny but it pays to swallow your pride and admit your mistakes; basically, ask for forgiveness. Remind the manager that you are a good customer. Relationship tenor is a good starting point. Multiple products are even better. Have a saving account with the bank? Credit card? CD? Multi-product relationships are very important to banks these days and they are very willing to work hard to keep them. Asking to halve the fees is actually rather modest and would likely not be a problem at all. At our bank, we have an unwritten policy of reducing NSF fees for good customers to the amount of one NSF fee (usually around $30). Regardless, a reduction of some kind is in order.
It’s worth noting that a bank will probably only reduce fees once. Those who bounce checks regularly become credit risks for the bank and are more expensive customers for the bank to serve. So while you are likely to receive an indulgence the first time, you probably will be forced to pay any subsequent times.
Good luck. Let me know if I wasn’t clear or if you have any other questions.
Regards,
Eric
Dear Eric,
Excellent advice, which I hope TN readers besides Schmez can make use of if they have to face this situation.
Dear Sars,
I love your advice, but for once I think you’re dead wrong. Okay, not dead wrong, exactly, I just wanted to sound all tough.
The advice Blunt But Kind has for Stuck In The Middle is spot on, though. I had some (yes, “some,” I say, sheepishly, yes, as in “more than one,” yes, that’s what I said, why?) crappy boyfriends way back when before I grew a backbone. I also had friends who were brave enough to play the backbone surrogate. I had some narrow escapes, and some not-so-narrow-but-thank-god-I-got-out-of-that escapes.
Especially if Stuck thinks said SO is treating the friend badly, the “your boyfriend? Not really so nice” conversation needs to be had.
It’s true that if the SO is just kind of not much fun, but is a basically decent human being or kind of dorky, there’s not much a body can do to convince the friend seeing the SO to stop.
But if the SO is a genuine, bona fide asshole, shoot, what kind of a friend wouldn’t say something?
Blunt Now Because My Friends Rule
Dear Blunt Now,
Well, as I’ve now said three times, the kind of friend who wants to remain friends. The kind of friend who would rather keep herself in a position to look out for the girl instead of alienating her.
If a girl stays with a boy who treats her like crap, it’s usually because she has poor self-esteem, and if she hears that her friends don’t like the boy…well, it’s often misinterpreted as “then you don’t like me either” or some other defensive maneuver.
Your mileage will vary, no doubt. But a friend who speaks up about these things risks the friendship, and that doesn’t make her a bad friend or anything — that’s just the reality in a lot of cases.
Sars,
Love your work. Read the column daily. Big big fan.
Now, I’m afraid I’m going to be showing my age here and this is not going to mix well with your normal target audience age bracket, but what the hell!
The wife and I are quite concerned about the babysitter. We found this real gem of a 16-year-old to watch our three kids, and she is really a favourite with the whole family. However, we have recently begun to notice that huge sections of our refrigerator and pantry contents disappear when she is here. We’ve always maintained a “help yourself” attitude and really don’t mind seeing the stuff get eaten. What is worrying is that the food seems to go in large quantities, and with almost surgical precision — no dirty dishes, nothing in the drying rack, and all the wrappers seem to disappear as well.
So, our “movie of the week” educational background seems to point to a young woman with an eating disorder. The problem then is how to handle it? We’re only occasional employers, have no contact with her family, and could easily wash our hands of the whole matter. We don’t want to confront her directly (unless you care to map out the way we do this) and have it all backfire. We only have a couple weeks left of having her around before she disappears off to school and the rest of her life, so we could also easily just ignore it.
It all seems to bit too dramatic in the telling, but I’d like some advice as to if and how we might be able to help this young woman.
Sign me
Dad With The Empty Fridge
Dear Dad,
I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that she’s bulimic just yet, but based on what you’ve said, a red flag or two does go up. How do her teeth look? If they look a little grey for a girl her age, that’s a sign, sometimes. How’s her hair — brittle? Have you checked your trash cans for laxative packs? Do your children report that she’s in the bathroom a lot? Does she ever eat in front of you? Check her “trigger fingers” — do the nails look weird, or notably longer/shorter than the rest of her fingernails? I’ve known more than a few women with bulimia in my life, and if you know what to look for, you can usually spot it pretty easily.
Not that she’s bulimic on my say-so, of course, and regardless, there’s not much you can do. She’s heading out of your life, and she’s not your daughter. Still, you care about her, so before she goes off to school, you might sit her down — or write her a little note — and tell her that she’s very dear to your family, and if she ever needs you guys, she can count on you. Or something like that. Keep it vague, but let her know somehow that she can talk to you if she needs to — if that’s what you want to do.
Eating disorders are years in the making, and years more in the undoing. Bulimia in particular is a deeply ingrained compulsive disorder, and from what I remember from concerned interventions with bulimics in my own past, if you mention it to her, and she denies it but it’s really true, it’s not going to end well. Unless you have incontrovertible evidence that the sitter is binging and purging — and I don’t mean suspicions; I mean, like, video — it’s not your place, or a good idea, to bring it up. If you do have that kind of evidence, though, you need to notify her parents pronto. Bulimia kills young women, besides which it’s a terrible, sad way to live.
In short: right instincts, wrong time.
I’m out of town for a week, but I’d like to hear from the readership on this one and print some of your letters when I get home. If you’ve faced a similar problem with a friend or sister, or you’ve been that friend or sister, or you work with/have any expertise in anorexia/bulimia, I’d love to hear your insights. I went to a high school where I couldn’t get a seat in the bathroom after lunch, if you know what I mean, but that’s only one perspective; I have a feeling someone else’s would be more help here.
[8/14/01]
Tags: etiquette friendships health and beauty kids rando sex
