The Vine: August 14, 2003
Hi Sars,
Have been an enthusiastic reader of your TWoP recaps for some time and just discovered Tomato Nation, which has meant my last few work days have been spent reading old Vines. If you look, I think you’ll see an amazing similarity between the letter from T’s Mama and the letter from Wanting “Miss Manners’ Helpful Hints For Dealing With Assholes.”
Just wanting to point it out in case you hadn’t noticed. I figure some people just don’t have enough to do with their time.
Love your work,
Eirinn
Dear Eirinn,
The two letters could describe the same situation — and if that’s the case, seriously, everyone in that family needs to get lawyers, get therapy, get their shit together, and quit using The Vine as a soapbox.
But it seems like kind of a long shot, frankly. The world has a great many clueless jackasses in it; it’s not inconceivable that the same breed of clueless jackassery could perpetuate itself in more than one person at a time. I mean, look at how many people watch Jay Leno.
Dear Sars,
Some time ago, a discussion of “blond” vs. “blonde” came up. The dictionary I took a glance at said it was two spellings for one word, like “color” and “colour.” However, many people in the group came up with various theories ranging from the idea that “blond” referred to a male of that hair color and “blonde” to a girl, to ideas that it depended upon what part of the sentence it took as to if you put the “e” on or not. My question is, what’s the correct usage for “blonde” and “blond”?
Also, as a bit of a side note, I read F3O’s letter about college, and would like to offer a small bit of advice from someone who’s been there. Go get help. Most colleges and universities have free counseling or specific centers for helping you deal with your workload. I too had a spectacularly bad freshman year and discovered that the worst mistake I made was putting off getting help until it was nearly too late. It’s a lot easier to admit that you need help to a trained professional rather than risk ridicule and disappointment from family and friends.
Bottle Redhead
Dear B.R.,
Second point first — excellent advice. Your school is supposed to assign you an advisor; go see him or her, or get a tutor, or head over to the health center and get some help managing your stress. Universities have these resources for a reason, so take advantage of them.
As to “blond”/”blonde,” it has nothing to do with the part of the sentence; it’s based on the gender of the person modified, “blond” for a guy and “blonde” for a girl (viz. also “brunet”/”brunette”). I still distinguish between them in my writing, but it’s archaic to do so, and at least in American English, using “blond” for both sexes (and for inanimate objects, like wood) is now preferred.
Dear Sars,
I’ve been trying to go through all the old Vine archives in hopes of finding my so-called problem, but this process takes several days, and work will soon start wondering where I am. So here I am.
I met and fell head over heels for this guy, we’ll call him “Sand,” within the span of a week. The feeling was mutual. We had an incredible month together, and then Sand had to move to another state for four months. We have been talking on the phone every day, and though the distance seems to strain things, he is terrific, and everything I have ever wanted in a guy.
About two months into his absence, I went snowboarding with my ex-booty call, who I am still really good friends with. Let’s call him “Dune.” Several shots of 151 here, a few bottles of wine there, and before you know it, Dune and I have sex.
All of my friends thought that I should not tell Sand, as it would completely break his heart. But I felt the need to be honest with him. Especially considering that although Sand knew that I was good friends with Dune, he did not know that we used to have sex on a regular basis. Whoops, I guess I forgot to tell him.
So due to the fact that I care about Sand a lot, I told him everything, even though there is no way he would have found out. And surprise surprise, he wants to break up. Question is, should I just let him get away? I am genuinely sorry for my drunken lapse in judgment, and would like the chance to rebuild trust. Should I continue my pleading and groveling, or assume that if he can’t forgive me, then he’s not worth it?
Big fan of the site,
Buggy
Dear Bug,
“If he can’t forgive you, he’s not worth it”? Ex…cuse me? You fucked another guy, sweetheart. If Sand can’t forgive you, it’s because you did something that many people consider unforgivable in a committed relationship, and rightly so, so don’t try to play the “I am woman, hear me roar” card now.
If you really do love him, yes, you should plead and grovel — but you should do it knowing that you screwed up, and that whatever happens now is your own fault. He’s probably not going to go for it, because he can’t trust you anymore, and if that’s his final decision, it’s not about “letting him get away.” It’s about acknowledging that you basically told him to go away, by acting in a way that showed no respect for him or for the relationship.
You got drunk. You screwed up. It happens. But “not meaning to” hurt someone doesn’t mean you didn’t really hurt him, or that you’re entitled to a second chance. Suck it up.
Let me tell you my latest problem, in which I cannot confide to a friend because of the proximity of the people in question.
For a little bit of background, I met “Chris” at the bar and instantly we became a hit. Eight years of a tumultuous relationship later, we are finally having the relationship we should have been having all along. We have gone out and broken up so many times for various reasons that no one can keep track…why? Because of infidelity, because we felt lost, because we weren’t the ones for each other, because somebody moved out of town and then returned. I love Chris deeply and truly, he’s my first real love…my first true love.
Now…the latest, we are mature with each other, we have fun, the sex is incredible, we support each other and listen and care and are committed to this. Finally. I have never been happier with Chris and I have never felt more alive with him. I am happy.
Then I go out drinking with my bud and meet her boyfriend’s friend “Ben.” Ben rocked my world the first second I met him. My eyes loved him. My right ovary loved him. He looks perfect. He acts perfect. He drinks perfect drinks and says perfect things…pretty much all the things Chris isn’t….I had only had two Coronas and I could not stop thinking about Ben, and I call him and invite him out at every opportunity, in which he obliges.
Ben does not know about Chris, and vice versa. Not yet.
Is it possible that Chris may in fact, after all this time, not be my “one,” and that Ben is a sign telling me that I need to look further, or can you develop a crush when your heart belongs to another? (I can’t offer any input as to how Ben feels about myself…)
I am so confused, yet feel so experienced. Really I feel like I wouldn’t give up Chris, nor what we have been working at for so long, for anything…but then “Ben” comes along and I feel crazy…
Comments are appreciated.
SassyRed
Dear Sass,
Yes, it’s possible that Chris is not your “one.” Yes, you can also develop a crush on a guy even when you love and share a commitment with another guy.
I think you want me to give you definitive permission, or an order — “do this.” But I can’t do that. I can’t tell you who’s the better bet or whether you should stick with Chris or what. It’s your call.
I can tell you that you’d better make the call one way or the other. You describe at some length how super-schmoopy-wonderful everything is with Chris right now, and yet he’s unaware of Ben’s existence, and you’ve not mentioned his existence to Ben, either, which…whatever. Stay committed to Chris and stop prepping Ben, or dump Chris and try to get with Ben, but it’s time to fish or cut bait.
Dear Sars: I have a problem and I need advice from you; please bear with my grammar as English is not my native language, I’m from Colombia. Okay, here I go…
I have known a guy, let’s call him “G-force,” for almost eleven years now (since I was 13 and he was 15) and we have been seeing each other on and off for that long. The only year we have lived in the same city was the year after we met, 1993; back then he behaved like a normal stupid teenage boy, calling me, teasing me, kissing me and then just plain ignoring me. After that he moved to the States for a year, and we kept in touch by letters and phone calls.
Then he came back and got into the navy and moved to another city. He wrote really cute letters, saying he missed me and thought about me a lot and blah blah blah. He came back into town every once in a while and we saw each other; I tried to ignore him but he was really really cute and charming, so I always ended up seeing him, but then he would be an asshole again, just ignoring me and not calling me, going out with his friends on the weekends and not asking me out, and even though he said he loved me and stuff, he wasn’t really with me.
In my senior year in high school he came home, and he said a lot of cute things thet he wanted to be with me, that he did not care we were in different cities, so we started a “relationship” — he used to call me three times a week and wrote letters, really cute letters, every week, and also he came every time he could, but if for example it was like a whole week, he would call me every day and we would hang out like three days (never in a row), but on the weekends he would go out with his friends and just plain ignore me. In the summer I went to his city with a couple of friends for like two weeks, we went out like two times and that was that. He couldn’t come for my prom because he came like the weekend right before.
I got got really tired of all that and I dumped him, but like a month later he called in the middle of the night, drunk, to ask why and to say he didn’t want to break up with me, but my mind was made up. Yeah, right. Next year (1997) I started college, and he came like in May or something, we slept together for the first time, he left, and we talked on the phone sometimes but nothing like we used to. In December of that year he came back, but I was with someone and so was he. Summer 1998, we slept together again (all the time that passed by, we kept in touch), in October I went to his city for a wedding and he came with me, we had an awesome time. Then in December I went again with a bunch of friends and we had a great time, he was really nice and we spent a lot of time together.
In ’99 I went there again for spring break, and G-force completely ignored me; that year he graduated from the academy, and now that he was living on his own and with a lot of freedom, he started dating a lot of model-type girls (some actual models, by the way) and we stopped talking to each other that often. I started a relationship with someone, and G-force and I talked and saw each other every once in a while; now it was like just friends and it was different, but even though I was with someone else, I still loved him. A lot of time passed by, like two years I think, maybe we saw each other and talked but nothing important — I even set him up on a date with a friend of mine, and he called me several times for girl advice, so he was just a friend for a long time.
Last December I was in his city again (I have family there, so we go a lot). I was in a concert with my parents, I knew he was gonna be there, but he was right behind us! What are the odds? I was dancing and having a good time and I felt someone tapping on my shoulder — it was him. We hugged and kissed (not real kisses) and he actually was really excited to see me, but he was with his girlfriend. I never saw him again that vacation. In January he moved to another city.
Three weeks ago he came home and stayed two weeks. The first time we saw each other, he asked me for a kiss and I said no, are you fucking crazy? You are my friend and that’s all I want. Well, he said that I was the one for him, that he wanted to get married — not now, but in the future; he said he sees me as the one he wants to marry and spend the rest of his life with; he said he doesn’t want to start a relationship right now because we live in different cities, but that he doesn’t want to give it up, he doesn’t want to label us as friends just yet, he wants to wait and see if we can happen. So I caved in and gave it all, not caring about anything — I’m 24 years old, I don’t get that heartbroken over a stupid boy and an illusion, I’m just in it for the good sex. But he moved my heart, he was such a gentleman, he treated me like never before, we connected really well. Before, I used to feel that if I acted like myself he wouldn’t love me and this time I didn’t care; I was myself and it was awesome, it was different.
But in some moments he went back to his former asshole self. He even went to visit a male friend in other city, and he got together and slept with a friend (girl) of his, which I don’t care about because he’s not my boyfriend. I guess he is just living his life, but what he says doesn’t add up with how he behaves; I mean, if he loves me as much as he says he does, wouldn’t he do anything possible to be with me? He gives me the go and then he stops me. My birthday was last Saturday and he was really good, but then he said things like “I don’t want you to get your hopes up” and turned his head away when I try to kiss him. I don’t know if it’s like he says he loves me but he doesn’t want to get really involved — I don’t know, I’m really confused. I heard him talk with his recent ex-girlfriend (the one he was with at the concert) and I see a connection and something that he doesn’t have with me.
He left Monday morning and he hasn’t called yet, maybe it’s stupid and I’m overthinking it but it has been the same shit for almost eleven years, and I don’t know what to think about it. Please help!
Thanks a lot,
Lupe
Dear Lupe,
“It has been the same shit for almost eleven years.” It’s not the answer you want, but…yeah. Enough. I think you already know G-force isn’t the guy for you, but you don’t want to admit it to yourself, because you’ve already invested so much time and emotion in him.
But he’s full of shit. “I want to marry you…someday” is literally the oldest line in the book. He wants to keep you on the side and sleep with other people; he doesn’t care about you unless it’s convenient for him. It’s perfectly okay and perfectly natural to hope for a while that a guy like that is going to come around, but he’s made it as clear as he can without sky-writing it that that isn’t going to happen, so — stop hoping. Stop waiting for him. You can do better.
Lose touch with G-force for a few months. Date other people — or don’t; write in your journal and get a piercing and hang out on your own for a while instead. Decide once and for all that he’s not suitable as a romantic partner, and act accordingly. Eleven years is about ten years too long with that crap.
Hey Sars,
So here’s the deal. I’ve had a good job for three-plus years. I have decided to quit so I can go back to grad school full-time and finish my Ph.D. before I am too old to enjoy the fruits of tenure. I like my job, I like my co-workers and boss, they seem to like me, and I have always done well on evaluations/reviews. The work requires about six months of training just to master the basics, and as much as a year to become proficient, so the departure of any trained, experienced employee is a loss. Despite the crappy economy, our company has avoided layoffs by not replacing those who have quit or been fired for performance reasons. Our office is down to the bare minimum now, though. One less employee will make things difficult, so they will have to hire someone to replace me.
With that background in place, the question: How far in advance should I tell my boss I’m leaving? People have been dismissed on the spot when giving notice, but it happens to people with not-so-great records — some of my (now former) co-workers in good standing have given as much as two months’ notice and served it out without a problem. But my more cynical-minded friends say, “All you owe them is two weeks.” I feel loyal to this company; I generally give more than the minimum to my job and I’m not sure I want to change that in this situation. I want to give a month or two, hopefully help to hire and partly train my replacement. Also, I made this decision months ago, and the longer I have to keep the secret, the more it drives me nuts! At the same time, because I am heading into abject grad-student poverty, I need to work until the absolute last minute before classes start. The spectre, however small, of being cut loose early, when I’m just trying to Do The Right Thing, is making me paranoid.
What say you, Sars? Do I look out for #1 and give the bare minimum notice, or follow my loyalty and give more?
Thanks for your perspective,
Screw the Paycheck, Bring on the Dissertation!
Dear Dis,
I would say, do the right thing and hope it’s received as such. The right thing is also the thing that makes the most sense for everyone in this case, happily, so offer four to six weeks’ notice to train your replacement. If the company chooses to reward your gesture with an escort to the parking lot, well, at least you tried to do right by them.
[8/14/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette grammar rando workplace
