Please help me figure out what to do about our cat. Here’s the background: She’s about five years old. We got her when she was one. She’s very sweet and friendly, and at first she seemed intimidated by our other cat (somewhat grouchy), but now she ignores him.

We moved into a new house about three years ago and she started peeing everywhere, litterbox included. We had her checked out at the vet, and that wasn’t it. We brought in a cat behavior specialist, and followed her recommendations. (She said Kittie was probably not into sharing, but I think that was a guess.) We doubled our litterbox space, made it private, and removed all of the temptation by tearing up the carpets and replacing them with wood. We treated the sub-floors with enzymes and bleach just in case.

That seemed to make it stop. Then, over a year ago, she started losing weight. The vets (and specialists) started testing for the problem, and she made it down to 5.5 lbs before they figured it out. She didn’t eat much, and when she did, she’d vomit. Surgical exploration told us she had a rare fungus in her intestinal tract. It required medication twice daily, for at least a year.

The medicine caused liver failure within a few months. She had to be hospitalized, and then we gave her IVs at home. As she recovered, she began to eat again and gain weight. We were supposed to give her the medicine again in a smaller doses, but she was doing so well, and she’d suffered so much because of it…we blew it off. (So the condition is probably not cured.) The vet was aware of this, and left the decision to us. I kinda regret this now but it seemed merciful at the time.

Fast-forward to the present. She’s getting a little thinner but not rapidly, and she’s occasionally vomiting again. She still has an appetite, but is very finicky as always. So we started the medicine again, at the vets’ suggestion. We haven’t been as diligent about giving it to her this time, as we’re a little afraid that the medicine will make it worse again. So we’re subconsiously half-ass about it…although logically, we know she needs it.

But now she’s peeing again…

The problem: We are at the end of our rope. We’ve spent over $5,000 in vet bills, and more than that in floor replacement and carpet cleaning. We’ve taken countless days off…we love her. We love her a lot. We’ve decided that maybe her not feeling well (she seems fine) is making her pee again. So we’ve resolved to have the rugs cleaned, talk with the vet, and give her her medicine as prescribed. We clean the litter three times a week, but we’re going to bring it up to four or five times. (I hope all of this will help, but I don’t expect it to.)

But if she continues to pee, my husband wants to get rid of her. And I don’t blame him. She’s costing us a bundle, and there’s no end in sight if she keeps it up. But she’s sick. And she pees…so who will want her? I feel bad about giving up my responsibility to her, but I’ve really tried, and after this last time…I will have done all I can do. (How can we find out WHY she pees?) My husband will agree to keep her if I want to…but I cannot deal with her behavior by myself because I travel for a living. He will bear the burden a lot of the time, so I need to be fair to him.

She is a sweetie. I want to keep her, but I don’t want to deal with all of this again. We can’t afford to start re-replacing things, but if we don’t, she’ll smell it, and…am I just frustrated? Am I selfish? Should we nurse her to health, THEN give her away, while she pees in our house for a year? I feel like giving her up is a death sentence…her medicine is very expensive ($100 a month) — who will want to bother? If she’d just stop peeing, I think we could cope.

I honestly don’t know what we’re going to do about this…

Can’t See The Forest For The Pees

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a dozen times. When you get a pet, you get its problems, and you cope with its problems — all of them. Forever. Period.

I understand how expensive vet bills get; I have two cats, one of whom has had two serious illnesses that cost me, together, six thousand dollars. And I understand the frustration of destructive feline behavior, whether it’s their “fault” or not. I can’t have nice furniture — not for long. The wall-to-wall in my apartment looks like it belongs in a crackhouse. I spend extra money on special kibble to prevent atomic poo. Believe me, I hear you. And I know you didn’t sign on for that.

But that’s what you got, and if you didn’t consider the possibility that the cat might get sick, cost you money, fuck up your stuff, and drive you crazy, well, you should have. Now it’s yours to handle, because she can’t shift for herself. Handle it.

Okay, harsh mode off. Let’s look at your specific problem. First of all, you need to give her the medications as prescribed, diligently. Stick to the regimen and see if it improves the peeing. The next time you go to the vet, ask if there’s an alternative form of the same medication that’s not as rough on the liver. Try to deal with the problem medically.

If that doesn’t work, she’s still peeing, and you really can’t cope, get out your phone book and start calling around to the local shelters and humane societies; some of them have programs for “special needs” pets, and maybe one of those programs would accept your cat.

But if none of that plays out the way you want it to…you’ll have to cope.

Hi Sars,

I’ll make it short and sweet…I’m engaged to be married to a very wonderful guy. We’ve had our problems in the past but have worked them all out except one. I absolutely do not like his mother.

We get along just fine, and she says she adores me, but I don’t like her low morals, selfish attitude, and the backhanded compliments she makes. She’s always in a bad mood, even when there is nothing wrong. I’ve seen how she treats her grandchildren, and frankly, when we have kids I do not want them around such a negative person. My fiancé knows how self-centered his mother is, but she is still his mother, and I know she will always be in the picture. I love him very much and there’s nothing else wrong in our relationship.

Am I just nit-picking? I do want to marry him, and this isn’t cold feet; I just am trying to figure out how I can stand being a daughter-in-law to this person for the rest of my life. Help!

The bride-to-be

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Dear Bride,

You do it by doing it. No, you don’t like her, but you don’t have to like her; you just have to get along with her from time to time. You’ve said the two of you get along, so grit your teeth and put up with her as you’ve done so far.

She doesn’t live with you, and she doesn’t hate you. As in-law problems go, yours really isn’t that serious, so be grateful. And try dialing down the judgmental tone; your comment about her “low morals” tells me a lot more about you than it does about her.

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Hi, Sars.

I’ve been very good friends with this guy, Mike, for about a year now. I tend to be very flirtatious with all my male friends, and they never take it seriously because they know that’s just how I am (most of them are really flirty, too). Unfortunately, Mike took my flirtation seriously, and admitted to me that he had a crush or whatever on me. I pointed out that I’m married, and would never consider an affair, and he started telling me how it wouldn’t be wrong for us to have sex because it would just be an expression of the closeness of our friendship. I got kinda freaked out about this and decided to talk to our mutual friend, José (Mike’s roommate, in fact) about the situation.

Then I made the mistake of mentioning to Mike (we work in the same building, and IM all day) that I’d skipped out on a meeting because I wanted to talk to José. Mike was very inquisitive about it, but I just told him to MYOB. Then, I went to meet José for our usual morning smoke break, and there was Mike. So we all talked for a while, and I kept hoping Mike would just go away, until finally I pulled José aside so we could talk in private. He gave me some wonderful advice on how to make it clear to Mike that we are just friends and nothing else was ever going to happen, which I followed and I thought everything would be okay.

But it hasn’t turned out that good. I still feel like I have to be careful what I say to Mike, because I don’t want to lead him on, and he’s acting very jealous about my (strictly platonic) friendship with José. I just don’t know what to do. Mike is one of my closest friends, and I don’t want to lose that, but he’s making me feel all weird about the whole thing. I also value my growing friendship with José. It’s complicated by the fact that most of my friends are people I met through Mike, so anytime we’re together, he’s always there. He keeps acting like he wants me, even though I’ve done everything (short of being insulting) to make it clear that I’m not interested.

So my question is, how can I make him get over this weird thing for me and still preserve the friendship? He’s not the slightest bit deterred by the fact that I’m married (his only previous relationships have been with married women), but I don’t want to tell him the simple truth that I wouldn’t find him attractive even if I was available, because I don’t want to hurt him. Can you help me?

Signed,
Totally Confuzzled

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Dear Confuzzled,

You’ve already told Mike that you have no romantic interest in him. That — not to mention your wedding ring — is that. But he persists in acting like a jealous boyfriend. Why?

Because you let him. Stop letting him. Talk to and befriend whomever you please, and stop babying Mike. He’s needs to grow up, and if he refuses, you need to rethink the closeness of your friendship.

Don’t bring any of Mike’s friends into it. Don’t let Mike manipulate you into feeling guilty for setting boundaries. Tell him again that you don’t like him that way and you want the bullshit surrounding it to stop, and if he doesn’t get it, phase him out of your life.

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