The Vine: August 16, 2005
Hi Sars.
Loved your “25 and Over” essay, couldn’t agree more although while reading it I felt a guilty twinge once or twice.
Here’s a question. What do you do when the party in question doesn’t want your stinkin’ thank-you notes? I spend most holidays with my boyfriend’s family since mine is far away. BF’s family are lovely people who have always made an effort to make me feel welcome. I sent thank you notes after the first couple of gift exchanges even though BF said “we’re not that formal, Miss Manners.” After the first well-intentioned but weird “thank you for the thank-you note/oh, well, thank YOU for the lovely gift!” exchange with BF’s mom, I have kind of given up, out of fear that what was intended as a courteous gesture was interpreted as weirdly formal, or worse, a sign that I am not comfortable with his family.
It seems kind of silly to send thank-you notes to these people when clearly it’s just not the way they operate. Would you, anyway, or just give up?
Miss Manners
Dear Miss,
I would anyway. Three quarters of the people I send thank-you notes to are, I suspect, baffled, but it’s how I was raised. You acknowledge hospitality and generosity, formally. I don’t know if it’s necessary for the gift exchanges anymore, and I’m a bit less rigorous about thank-you notes for gifts I received in person — but if you stay with your boyfriend’s family over the holidays, a note or a little gift to say thanks is de rigueur.
Dear Sars,
I’ve never been in the position to write to you for advice, though I read The Vine often. I think I finally have a conflict in my life that merits a little outside input. I’m not really sure how to begin so I’ll just get down to it, because it will be long.
As you have read many times before, the problem is about a boy. As it turns out, this particular boy is an asshole, a cheater, a liar and an all around low-life who completely lacks any integrity. Let’s call him Scum.
I met Scum; we quickly began dating. He is two years my senior and does not attend the same high school as I do, so unfortunately for me he was able to continue dating his girlfriend of over seven months while things began (and ended) with me.
I don’t like to think of myself as naïve or stupid, Sars, and I had a foreboding feeling in the pit of my stomach from the start. I chose to ignore it and I regret that now, but what’s done cannot be undone. I found some pictures online, and that combined with the feeling in the pit of my stomach was enough to convince me to confront Scum about his lies. It took me about four days to get a hold of him for enough time to bring things up, he was avoiding my calls. This only helped to convince me that he was lying. When I finally got the chance to inform him of my concerns he assured me they were nothing; the pictures were old, the email address that linked the website they were on is one he no longer uses, et cetera. I asked him if he was over the relationship and over me, and I told him that any lies he was telling should be confessed because I would come to learn the truth sooner or later. He said wasn’t and that he still loved me.
The following day he broke up with me.
The day after that I learned that he had in fact been cheating on me. I happened to find a source who could supply me with the other girl’s email address, I got it and I added her to an instant messenger. With courtesy and empathy for her situation I informed her of what had happened between Scum and me. This girl did not take the news well and she had quite a few harsh things to say to me, but I kept a clear head and didn’t respond to her anger. After all, I would be angry if I were in her situation as well. She said quite basically that this had come up in the past and the girl had been the liar, that she was not about to lose “[her] everything and [her] world.” I told her that those decisions were hers to make and that I was only informing her what I felt she ought to know.
That night Scum called me and yelled…Sars, he had never yelled at me like that before and I was completely shocked. I couldn’t fathom how someone who was clearly in the wrong in the situation could call me and try to shift the blame to me. I have never in my life felt so attacked and belittled as I did in those moments. The shock of the situation has left me unable to recall most of what either party said, but I remember the harsh tone in his voice and the cutting nature of his words. This was not a conversation, everything I said was spoken over his yelling and it ended by me telling him that I was not going to put up with his bullshit and hanging up the phone. I know that the reason he called was because he had no outlet for his anger, which (in my opinion) should have been directed towards himself. In this phone call he combined old lies with new lies and successfully made me feel like a horrible person, and I’m hurt that even after he had been discovered he could not admit how wrong he was or apologize.
I don’t really know what else to say except that I am feeling like a complete and total bitch. I feel like the bad person in the situation and like I’ve inflicted pain on people when I could’ve just walked away and left them oblivious. I know that I would want to know the truth, but not everyone does. I feel guilty, hurt, angry and confused. I feel like my mind is no longer functioning properly and that didn’t handle the situation the right way.
I’ve left so much out of this letter, but it’s quite long enough and I haven’t asked a question yet.
Did I do the wrong thing by telling this girl that her boyfriend had been cheating on her? If Scum ever calls me again is it acceptable for me to tell him to (not even politely) fuck off and never to speak to him again? He is not a part of my life and chances are I will never see him again, so I feel no desire to be remotely pleasant. His sister, on the other hand, I see weekly. If she says something to me about what happened with Scum what do I say? Do I refuse to talk about it? Do I tell her that her brother is an asshole? She is in a position of employment at a place that I volunteer and I’m concerned for what might happen there.
Any additional comments you have would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much and keep up the great work!
Should’ve Known Better
Dear Better,
Well, I wouldn’t call it the right thing, because it didn’t really do anything to help the situation; it didn’t make you feel better, it didn’t punish Scum or make him see the error of his ways, it just caused conflict. But I wouldn’t be so hard on myself, if I were you. You acted in the heat of rage. It happens. The one time I got cheated on (…that I know of), I dumped a box of the guy’s shit on his friend’s front lawn, out the window of my car, while it was moving. I look back on that melodrama and cringe, but hey, I was hurt.
Yes, you should tell him to go away if he contacts you again — you don’t have to be polite, but you don’t have to scream, either. Just tell him you’re done with him and end the interaction. And you can handle his sister the same way: he had a girlfriend; you found out; you reacted angrily; end of story, and you don’t really want to talk about it further with her because it’s awkward, thanks for understanding.
And keep in mind, it’s high school. I’m not saying he’s not a dick; he is. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be hurt; you feel what you feel. But it’s a long life, and a few more years into it, chances are you won’t even know these people anymore. Just handle the situation as best you can, knowing that soon enough it’ll be behind you.
Dear Sars,
I’m 18 years old and a junior in high school. My problem is with my best friend, B. Our relationship is basically dead, but I can’t cut it off right now.
I think our friendship worked because I was completely devoted to her. B. says that she loves me as well. She told me that she considers us “soul-sisters.” Now I hear from other people that I tagged after her like “a little drooling puppy,” and I am mortified. I mean, we discussed this point countless times. She said that she knew it appeared to some people that I was her sidekick, but really it was an equal friendship.
I used to be incredibly shy, and at first everyone thought I was a foreign exchange student. One comment she made in freshman year has stuck in my head: “I thought it would be so cute to have a foreign exchange student as a best friend!” That comment struck me as odd, and I think she might have thought of me as an accessory.
So we were very best friends for three years. Then about two months ago she decided to go out with this boy who is completely horrible to me. Her reason? At first it was “You weren’t there! I didn’t know where our friendship was going at the time!” because I had been feeling used and decided to take a break for a few days to clear my head. The next week it changed to; “Well, he’s funny, and he’s nice to me.” I guess she has a right to choose who she wants to date, but did it have to be the boy who humiliates and makes fun of me?
He’s very wealthy and the youngest child in his family, so he is a spoiled asshole. His dad is an alcoholic, so he pretends like that is an excuse to treat everyone else like shit. Plus, he looks like a weasel. He calls B. a slut and makes cracks about her weight behind her back, and I just can’t stand him. She finally dumped him, but it wasn’t because of what a jerk he is, it was because she only wanted a date for prom. She told him that it was because he was being “too controlling.” A few weeks ago she changed her story and told me that she dumped him for me, because it made me unhappy.
Then she started yelling at me for being so controlling and selfish and telling her who to date and called me a “smug asshole.” She says that I started acting smug around election time when I would go off on people for saying things like gay people shouldn’t marry (I am bisexual, I told her that, and she made a comment about it being a phase). Another reason why I don’t like him is because he is homophobic.
They still sit together at lunch, so I’m not allowed to talk to her then or whenever she’s with him in the halls, or else I get evil glares from him. It’s okay for him to approach her when she’s with me and wave prom pictures in our faces though! If I bring any of this up, she and her friend scoff at me and roll their eyes wildly. They say I am overreacting and it’s all my fault. I think I am some sort of big inside joke with them, which makes me angry. But she SAYS she wants me to come back.
I know that I was her stupid “drooling puppy” before, and it wounds me to think that she used me like that, even if she did it unconsciously. I’ve made a bunch of new friends but they really don’t take her place. She has hurt my feelings so badly in the past few months that I am probably never going to feel the same way about her. And honestly, some days I wish that I had never met her.
So I should probably just dump her, but the thing is I have already committed to a huge community service project with her over the summer which will extend into the fall. The plans are pretty far along, so backing out now would be inconvenient for a lot of people. At the end of the summer we have to spend two weeks together in a remote village in the Andes Mountains where we will be staying in my grandmother’s house. I really want to do this project and I don’t want her to ruin it for me. I’m afraid she’ll start making out with my cousins and leave me to do all the work.
I don’t know what to do. Her parents split up last summer, and I don’t want to abandon her because that’s come up a few times. After the project is completed we only have one more year of high school left. We go to a very small private school and she would make my life hell if I started avoiding her or told her that I want to stop being friends and why. I just don’t know what to tell her. She seems so nice sometimes, and I don’t know if she even meant to crush my feelings like she did. I know you say that friendships run their course, and I think this one definitely has. I’ve made new friends and taken up new interests, but I still have ties to her that are impossible to cut at the moment. And I would just suck it up, but I am feeling so depressed and resentful.
I just don’t know what to do with myself right now, and seeing her makes me miserable. It probably seems like a bigger deal to me than it actually is. I can’t tell, I’m confused. She was my best friend, I loved her like a sister and all of a sudden that dropped away. I don’t know if any of it was real. What should I do?
C
Dear C,
She “would make” your life hell if you distanced yourself? Dude, she already does — wake up and smell the total lack of respect for you. She’s mean to you, she excludes you, she runs you (“not allowed to” talk to her at certain times? Are you kidding me? You’re 18 years old!), and she does it because you let her, and she’ll keep doing it as long as you let her.
Enough already. Start giving her bitchy behavior some consequences; if she wants to try to raise hell, fine, but you already have new friends, you say, so go hang out with them. If she makes the volunteer trip awkward, well, it would be awkward anyway, what with you bending over backward to please her all the time because she’s basically abusive to you.
Look at the situation, understand that whatever you fear is going to happen is still not as bad as the way she treats you currently, and stop permitting it. You don’t have to make a big dramatic We Are No Longer Friends declaration; just stop calling her so much, stop hanging out with her when she’s with that asshole or when she’s treating you like crap, and stop making her and her opinion so important. She doesn’t care about your feelings; stop caring about her, or hers. Whatever she does to retaliate can’t be as nasty and hurtful as the shit you let her pull now.
“Her parents split up” — please. Who came up with that crock of shit excuse to be a bad friend — her? Or you, so you could somehow justify her, your so-called best friend, mocking you to your face? I’ve had plenty of friends whose parents got divorced who didn’t use it as a license to shit all over me, partly because it isn’t one and partly because they were, you know, actual friends and not twats.
She doesn’t deserve to be your friend. Demote her. You’ll be a lot happier.
[8/16/05]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships
