The Vine: August 17, 2007
Dear Sars,
Last weekend, I went over to a friend’s house to help her pack up her things — “Minnie” is getting divorced and moving out of the apartment she shared with her husband, and her friends’ job was basically to help her identify as many things that she could throw away as possible (her new place is bitty).
When we got to the wedding-related pile, she had no problem separating stuff she wanted to keep from stuff she wanted to chuck, but then she mentioned that she has no idea what to do with her wedding dress, and none of us knew what to tell her. Should she throw/give it away? Should she hold onto it? Should she have it remade — cut down and/or dyed? We couldn’t reach a concensus. On the one hand, although the marriage didn’t work out, it seems weird to just get rid of the dress. On the other hand, it’s sort of a waste of space to store a garment that she won’t wear again (although it’s not a big poofy dress and wouldn’t take up much room), and it’s not like she’s going to pass it down to her future kids (she and her soon-to-be-ex don’t have children together). On the other other hand, even if she dyes it another color and cuts it down to semi-formal length, it’s still her wedding dress. Minnie isn’t excessively sentimental about this stuff, but I’m not either, and I wouldn’t wear it again if I were her, because I would know what it was originally and it would be — I don’t know. Not creepy, but something.
Everyone was sort of at a loss, and I think Minnie ended up deciding to put it in storage and revisit the question later, but I thought I’d write in and see what you (or your readers who might have had to make this decision) had to say. When it comes to the engagement setting, the answer is more clear-cut, but what to do with the dress doesn’t have the same guidelines. Any ideas?
Thanks,
Someone Did Suggest Using It As A Dishrag, But I Think She Was Joking
Dear Dish,
I’m at a loss myself, actually. I have several divorced friends, but I don’t know what they (or their ex-wives) wound up doing with the wedding dresses; it never occurred to me to ask, and I suspect that if I were getting divorced it wouldn’t occur to me to think about the dress myself, until I ran across it in storage. And what do you do with it? Do you keep it to remember a day that was a happy and important one, even if things went south later? Do you dump it as a symbol of moving on with your life?
I think it’s probably different for each individual — it depends on how nostalgic you are, how much of a pack rat you are, how long the marriage lasted or how nasty the divorce is getting, whether you have a daughter who might want it someday, any number of things. I myself would probably agonize over it for a few days and then give it to Goodwill; I certainly wouldn’t have it altered to wear it again, because that wouldn’t happen, but I over-anthropomorphize my stuff that way.
Readers — would you keep it? burn it? Salvation-Army it? arts-and-crafts it? Discuss.
Tags: Ask The Readers boys (and girls) etiquette rando
Aren’t there some organizations that collect wedding dresses for people who can’t otherwise afford them? I’m sorry I can’t come up with any names at the moment, but I know they do this with prom dresses, and I thought bridal gowns, too. That would be what I would suggest — that way someone else can get new, happy use out of it, and it won’t be a burden – physical or mental – on Minnie.
She could always trash the dress — http://trashthedress.wordpress.com/
I’d look into charities in her town that resell dresses. I got my wedding dress at a place in NYC called The Bridal Garden–they buy designer dresses and resell them; the proceeds support a children’s shelter. If nothing of the sort exists, she could eBay the dress, or just take it to Goodwill.
The wedding blogger Never teh Bride had a few suggestions a while back:
http://manolobrides.com/2007/06/29/two-ways-to-help/
She could sell it on someplace like Ebay, and use the money to treat herself to something nice.
There are lots of non-profits that have special wedding dress programs, like http://www.makingmemories.org/. Just google “donating wedding dress” for more. At least she’ll know the dress went on to happier things (and she probably will too :-).
There are organizations that collect wedding dresses, yes. That’s what I’d recommend, make a good memory for someone else, get some good out of the whole shebang. Here’s the organization I found when I was figuring out what to do with my dress:
http://www.makingmemories.org/brides_against_breast_cancer.html
I am in the middle of a two-year-long divorce and recently moved. I ran across my wedding dress in the process, and it was vastly satisfying to just throw it down the trash chute in my high-rise. Don’t tell my mom.
That’s my suggestion too, donate it. My mother, BEFORE she gave birth to her 4 daughters, gave her dress to the Little Sisters of the Poor for the nuns to wear when they took their vows. Send that dress onto a more productive life for someone less fortunate!
Good luck to “Minnie”.
I love my wedding dress, but after I’ve worn it — and assuming I manage to make it through the reception without spilling red wine or coffee all over it — I plan to give it away or sell it and just hang on to the pictures of me wearing it. I can’t imagine dedicating all that storage space to something my kids will eventually have to throw out.
I think she should sell it on ebay or a wedding-focused site (like indiebrides.com) or her local craigslist forums. If she wants to go the charity route, I’d recommend finding a bridal-gown-focused organization, or an upscale and well-ordered charity thrift shop, rather than Good Will. The general-purpose thrift shops I’ve been do wouldn’t know what to do with a wedding dress; you’d be better off selling it yourself than letting it hang on some T-shirt rack, turning yellow from neglect.
I’m twice-divorced. I gave one dress away, and burned the other. I guess it depends on the level of bitterness she feels.
But if you give it away, well, that makes it a whole different dress for some happy bride-to-be who couldn’t afford a dress like that without someone’s generousity. And to be honest, the burning ceremony was a stitch (drunken women & a bonfire – oh my!) but giving the first dress away felt even better.
If she needs the money herself then ebay it or call consignment shops.
I always see a rack full of wedding dresses at the local Goodwill. That’s the easiest place to drop it off, or she can do a little more work and get in contact with a program that makes an effort to give dresses to women who can’t afford them (links already posted).
The main disadvantage to just taking it to a thrift shop is that it will end up in a landfill if it isn’t sold. I think it’ll have a better chance of finding a new home with one of the charities that specifically deal with wedding dresses.
Community Theatre Companies are always looking for costumes as donations, which many of their costume closets are based on. Second-hand consignment stores might give her some money for it, if she wants to treat herself to something, and how much financially the dress means to her.
On the other hand…my mother is divorced and I’m looking at having that first wedding dress altered and re-designed (my mother looked beautiful on both her wedding days and I’d like to look just like her…cheese…sorry). So if she’s a little sentimental and is planning on having kids…she might want to save it for a while. You can have them sealed in easier to store packages for a small fee, keeps it in good shape. Then stick it under the bed and forget about it.
I am not divorced, and I sold my dress back to the woman I bought it from (she runs her business out of her house). I couldn’t think of any good reason to keep it, only to take up space in a closet, and then eventually throw it away or something.
I think I would find a charity or one of the shops that takes wedding dress donations. I think it would be nice to give someone who couldn’t afford a really nice dress the opportunity to have one on her special day too.
This isn’t exactly donation but it seems legit:
“Send us your dress, and we’ll sell it through our consignment partner. We’ll donate 20% of the proceeds from the sale of your dress to the charity of your choice, and use the remaining funds to support the I Do Foundation’s ongoing work to encourage charitable giving at weddings. In addition, you may be eligible to receive a tax deduction for the value of your dress donation.”
http://www.idofoundation.org/resources/dresses
Well, I left mine hanging in the attic (where I had a rack with a whole bunch of fancy dresses and costumes) till the last moment, and finally just stuffed it in the bottom of a random box. Where it still is. And I don’t know what to do with it, either. It’s not a traditional wedding dress; it’s a beaded flapperish kind of thing. Not only does it not fit any more (I was at my very fattest ever when I got married) but like Minnie, though I’m not terribly sentimental, I can’t see wearing it again with any kind of happiness.
Yet on the other hand, I don’t regret my marriage, and I don’t hate my ex, and I’m very sorry that this didn’t turn out to be forever and a day as I thought it would be, on our wedding day a bit more than ten years ago — so trashing or burning it would also be inappropriate. Taking it to a thrift store seems a bit callous, too — as if I don’t care at all any more, which I do.
I just don’t know.
I’d find the nicest resale shop in the area (not the Salvation Army), maybe an upscale resale shop or a consignment shop, and place it there. I don’t see any reason to just cut it up into dusters. My own wedding dresses (yes, I’ve been married twice, damn it!) came from resale shops and cost no more than $30 each. Give someone else some pleasure from the dress, even if it doesn’t hold any sweet memories for you any more.
I second the theatre donation. I thought of donating my dress but was just superstitious enough to worry that I would be passing along bad vibes to a future bride. I knew the dress would be used well if I donated it to my favorite costumer (even if he just cut it up to repurpose the silk), so that’s what I did.
In my city we have a bridal consignment store. I would sell it there to recoup at least some of what she paid for it.
I agree with the donation. Weddings are so expensive today, and by donating the dress, she may be able to help someone else cut costs and save money on their big day. What better way to help a newly wed couple start their life together, than by helping them save a few dollars? Besides, doing something nice for someone else is always a good thing…
I threw mine away, and you know…it was a good feeling to get rid of it. It was a very dated style and I doubt anyone would have bought it from a consignment shop (I’ll Take “Early 90’s Styles” for $200, Alex) and while saving it for my kids was an idea…that wasn’t what I wanted to do either.
With no kids, it may well be freeing to toss the darned thing.
Wedding dress; if the wedding dress looked FABULOUS on me – i would have it remade – dyed, sleeveschanged, whatever. A dress that is flattering is hard to come by.
If it wasn’t flattering, or if just hurt to look at it, donate it ASAP.
I back up the donation or selling-on-eBay route. I lean towards donation, because there are a lot of women who can’t afford the wedding dress they really want. More than that, though, there are a lot of high schools who ask their girls to wear long white dresses for commencement (mine was one, but even though that was a while ago, I know the tradition continues for many all girls, Catholic, and other private schools) — and lord knows that sometimes the only long white dress option is a wedding dress, and who wants to spend even low-end wedding dress prices on a teen graduation?
Plus I’m just generally a fan of recycling, so while trashing it might feel emotionally good — and that might be enough of a reason to do so — if she doesn’t need that particular type of closure, why not let someone else get use out of it?
I second (or whatever) the donation idea. Someone will be able to use it. I have my mom’s wedding dress post-acrimonious divorce. I’ve long wondered what to do with it and am a little disappointed that I didn’t think of donating it before this. I think I might as no one has any real use for it.
Donate it or (if she has to make some money off it) consign it locally. Don’t bother with eBay unless it’s a very high end/well-known designer. Wedding dresses do not sell for much on eBay and many do not sell at all, which will just cost your friend money each time she has to relist it. Trust me; she doesn’t want the bother or expense of that!
Another vote here for donation. That’s what I plan to do with mine once we’ve done the deed (the wedding, not… you know, get your mind out of the gutter) – Clean it and donate it so some other very tall girl can go all princess for a day.
Donation is probably the most practical and nicest thing to do, especially if the dress is “off-the-rack”. Oddly, my mom kept my dress after I got married. Then I divorced and when I got engaged again, she insisted I wear the original dress! (No weirdness there!;) And actually, since the original dress’s fabric was hand-beaded in France and the dress had been designed for me, it turned out to be a decent option, especially after I spent months trying on gowns that I hated or that blew my budget. I went to a dressmaker, had some major alterations done to the style and fiddly-bit details and wore it with great success (plus this is a MUCH better marriage). But that is definitely not the normal course of action and if she can help someone else have a beautiful wedding, that’s such a mitzvah.
If Minnie decides not to go the donation route–and donation IS a fantastic idea–she could always do what my sister did after her divorce, which was admittedly bitter: deface the dress and use it as a Halloween/party costume. Long story.
I threw mine away after the divorce as well. It was only about $100 (we had a casual private ceremony). I would have donated it if I had thought about it, but it was satisfying to toss it in the dumpster :)
I just stumbled on what one woman did with her wedding dress… it’s not the same situation (not a divorce), but in a way… might be fun in a different take on the burning. Though I personally would echo most other people in donating it, this made me laugh and I thought I’d share.
Trashing the wedding dress
Throw it away. It’s useless.
In general, I think it really depends on the dress. I wouldn’t throw it away–that is a waste–but at least give it to charity. But I can imagine a range of reactions (and dresses), so it depends on the woman in question.
(I intend to avoid the whole issue of wedding dress storage by, if I ever get married, making a dress that I would wear for other occasions. I’m not very sentimental and don’t much like white. YMMV.)
I would sell the dress on consignment, and use the funds to buy myself something nice. If enough funds, a great black dress or a martini.
Man, I must really not be sentimental at all, since I am STILL married, and I gave away my wedding dress to goodwill… So that’s certainly my vote for Minnie (though I like the idea of a local theater’s costume shop too)…
If it helps her to trash it, I say she trash it. Yes, it’s technically a waste, but if it’ll give her closure and help her move on, it’s worth it. Having gotten out of a long-term relationship recently, where I did the breaking up and it was amicable, it has still felt good to throw out certain pointed reminders of the relationship (some photos, etc.). In fact I still have a box of his stuff that he left behind and I won’t feel totally independent of him until he retrieves it, if that makes any sense. (Other less personal stuff–books, etc.–I donated.)
Anyway, of course it’s up to her. I’d advise that she not do anything rash and take her time deciding. I just don’t think it’s a no-brainer that she donate the dress, especially to a theater, which would feel weird to me, or that she wear it again, which would also feel weird to me. Again, everyone’s different!
I’m divorced, and I plan on selling my dress on Craigslist. I’m going to use the proceeds (which probably won’t amount to much) to throw athank-you cocktail party for the friends who were so supportive of me through the entire hellacious process.