I don’t really want to kill myself, but really, that’s becoming more and more of an attractive option every day.

I only have one person in my life that I would call a friend, and she’s a crappy one at that. She slacks off when we do projects together, so that she shares the good grade and praise received for my hard work. She continually ditches me when we have appointments to get together for work reasons, or even just a casual friendly get-together, giving excuses ranging from “last-minute funerals” to the simple fact that she couldn’t be bothered to waste her time with me. I’ve told her several times that I don’t really deserve to be treated that way, and the most she can come up with is a half-hearted “Eh, sorry.” I finally resorted to removing her lazy ass from a fairly important project and going my own way when it became apparent that she wasn’t going to help at all, and she decides that I’M the one with the attitude problem.

I’ve never been a popular kid, and have been painfully shy since my first day of Kindercare, when I was yelled at by two other children and an instructor because no one bothered to explain anything to me. The only person there who would even talk to me, let alone look at me, was the girl who ate her own boogers, and, silly me, I befriended the one person who was at all kind to me, thus solidifying my loser status at the age of four.

I spent a lot of my childhood alone, and subsequently became awkward, socially. My mother encouraged me to read as much as I could, and my loser title was updated to “geek bitch,” because I would respond minimally when someone said something stupid, or rude, to me. I’m about to be a senior in high school now, and my mother, bless her heart, doesn’t understand why I don’t spend more time at school functions. She can’t seem to comprehend that, as I’ve grown up with these people, they’ve been nothing but rude, or hurtful, to me, and I do not, under any circumstances, want to be around them more than necessary. So I’ve pretty much cut myself off from society there, and have pretty much sentenced myself to self-inflicted misery in that aspect, and it sucks.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t tried to make other friends; just about every time I meet a new person, I smile, act friendly, and try to just be myself. But word of mouth travels fast, and soon after this new person learns the correct pronunciation of my name, they’re using that knowledge to say nasty things about me behind my back, and, more often than one would like, directly to my face.

I wish my family life were better, but no such luck. My sister is a competitive athlete, and my father has taken the liberty to devote an entire room downstairs to her many trophies and ribbons. Not to sound too melodramatic, but it honestly feels like a small part of me dies every time I walk into that room, seeing all that she has accomplished against the certificate or two for the things I have written, listening to my parents talk about how successful she could be while simultaneously telling me that I could never make it in the field of my choice because I lack the ability to survive under pressure. Looking back on this letter, I guess they’re right, if the best way I can find to deal with my self-imposed crap is to just stop living all together.

I’ve tried talking to people; parents, friends, school counselors, but no one acts like they’re all that concerned. I’ve told my friend repeatedly that, after saving her ass from F after F, I should not have to be treated like a second hand shit-bag by her. I’ve detailed all the reasons my parents should at least attempt to be supportive when I tell them I want to pursue a career in writing, and all I get in return is my mother chuckling, telling me that I don’t have the talent to do anything creative (not that she would know, as she’s never taken the time to read anything of mine, despite my pleas for her to do so). My father’s only contribution is to tell me, rather bluntly, that my concerns are stupid, and that there are people a whole lot worse off then I ever will be who don’t complain nearly as often as I do.

Maybe when I graduate from high school and can get away from all these people who have spent their whole lives convincing me that I’m not worth their time of day, then everything will just go away. Maybe when I’m legally an adult, my parents will shut up and listen when I try to tell them my anxieties, instead of giving me this teenage angst bullshit. Maybe I’m taking everything way too seriously and need to stop wailing about my sorry lot in life, but it’s so frustrating to try and explain to someone that I am not happy with anything anymore, and not have them listen.

I know that, really, my life could be worse, and I am scared to death of dying, but I’m tired of living in a world where no one seems to like me, or has ever supported me, or even tells me that, yes, I am a worthwhile person. I don’t expect any of that from you, but I just wanted someone to know how empty I feel.

Signed,
Don’t want to try anymore

You need to get some treatment. Now. You are depressed; you are expressing suicidal thoughts. You need to do what it takes to get someone to listen to you, and if it’s not your parents, or your school counselors, or your crappy friend, go to a hospital or a mental health clinic or even Planned Parenthood and get a trained professional to help you. That’s what they’re there for, and you deserve it.

High school can really suck; parents can really not get it. Neither of these facts is your fault, but you’ve lost hope — also not your fault, but a serious problem nonetheless. You’ve lost any desire to show these people up once you’ve gotten out of there. You’re totally focused on how much the present blows, to the point where you’re not interested in the future, in becoming the person you know you are even if the people around you are too careless to see her.

You are a worthwhile person, and it isn’t always going to be this bad and lonely, and it’s okay to feel beaten down and sad about it all — but you should get some help with that, so that you have some faith in yourself, so that you look ahead and know that it’s going to get better if you can just hang in there. And it will; it almost always does.

Do whatever you have to do to get help. If you really don’t see any choice but to kill yourself, please, go to a hospital, call 911, do anything you can to hang on. Just hang on. Value yourself that much.

Dear Sars —

I love The Vine, you give great advice. And I can’t wait for The Subheroes Chapters 6 through infinity to appear. I need some outsider advice for a minor problem. Feel free to edit freely -– I am in a profession not known for its skilled use of the English language and tend to run on.

I am in terrible financial shape –- worse than that Save Karen woman but without any Jimmy Choos or designer clothes to show for it. I know how I got here: my TLC house in a too trendy for my salary neighborhood; addictions to Target, amazon.com, pretty and sparkly jewelry; eating and drinking out; and an all-around love for retail therapy. Home improvements (even self-help) and “minor” $150 purchases add up pretty quickly to where I have no savings account (but a meager 401k so I won’t eat cat food when I am old) and three maxed-out credit cards. And I pretty much know how to start fixing it: cut up the credit cards, watch football on TV instead of buying broker tickets, cancel Netflix, Earthlink and maybe even DirecTV (but only after football season is over and even then it hurts me to think it), learn to cook and bring lunch to work instead of eating out, use the library instead of buying every good book that comes along, give up Starbucks, listen to the radio (it can’t all be that American Idol crap) or one of the many CDs I already own instead of pining for the latest Vines CD, the cats will get cat food I buy with coupons instead of Science Diet (they do not need the special food for health reasons –- I just thought they deserved the best but think they will manage on Friskies), the list goes on. It won’t be a pretty life I need to live but it will help me keep my house, afford the repairs it needs, and stop having horrible nightmares about killer dollar signs.

My problem? How to explain this to my friends without sounding like a whiner. My friends are great –- they just all make 1.5 to 2 times more than I do. Happy hour or dinner generally involves many rounds and/or splitting the bill evenly, regardless who had the two rum and cokes, who had six beers, and who had salad with water. I read some earlier advice you gave — I have started buying my own beer at the bar during happy hour, nursing it forever, and opting out of the rounds buying game. I just hope people notice that while I never buy a round, I never get the benefit of one either. I started avoiding the weekly dinners out unless they are at more reasonably priced places.

What I really need to know is how to tactfully explain that my offering up “game night” or “movie night” at home, half-price burger night, a weekend matinee instead of weeknight movie, or opt out of the $50 concert, I am not just being cheap or trying to stop the fun. I actually can’t do those other things anymore (or I could, but a fourth credit card on its way to five digit levels is not a good idea). I do want to hang out with people and have fun. I want a social life — as much as I love the DirecTV, I don’t want to watch it every night. I don’t want my friends to carry me or subsidize my drinks or dinner. But I don’t want everyone to know how bad a situation I stupidly got myself into, so I don’t know exactly what to do. If all the social events are going to be dinner out, concerts, football games or weekends out of town, I will never see these people again. They would probably understand and make a few cheaper social get-togethers if I confessed all, but it makes my stomach hurt to even contemplate having to confess my debt level and how close I might be to bankruptcy.

Any constructive advice on what to say, how to better suggest the cheaper entertainment options, even cost-cutting techniques would be greatly appreciated.

Broke Grrl with a kick-ass CD collection, lots of sparkly things and fat cats

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Dear Broke,

You don’t have to tell them about your debt level; just say that you’re trying to save money. If they assume that it’s for a specific purchase, let them assume that, but you are in fact trying to save money. Make it into a goal, with a specific term, and tell them that, for the next year, you’re trying to sock away as much money as you can, so you’re going to be a cheap-ass and you hope you can still see them socially within that parameter.

Nobody has to know why you’re saving money, or how much you need to save, or any of that. Just announce that it’s a project, and go with it. Just don’t do that Lily Bart thing where you spend money you don’t have in order to hide the true state of your finances.

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I have a work-related problem. There is an older man in our department who has flatulence issues — the the issue being either is so old that he no longer hears/feels himself farting, or he just doesn’t care and is just gross. It’s sort of become a company-wide joke, but I find it to be truly offensive. I was raised to either fart and pardon myself, or leave the room and let ‘er rip, but my mother would have had a coronary if I lifted one cheek, pinched one off and never said excuse me.

I don’t think I can talk to him about it (I’m phobic of really old people), I have spoken to my boss about it and she is too embarrassed to talk to him directly. I have thought about going to HR about it, because isn’t it their responsibility to talk to him if he is being offensive? I don’t want to get him in trouble, but I get my knickers in a twist when he comes to get a file, blasts one in my cube and leaves. Advice?

Not Loving Farty Old Men

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Dear Not,

Actually, if it’s offending you, it’s your responsibility to speak to him about it. The next time he uncorks one in your cube, stop him, tell him that you totally heard (and smelled) that and you’d appreciate it if he confined that to anywhere but your work space, thank him for his consideration, end of story.

“But — awkward!” Yeah, I know. Tough. You can sack up and tell him to stop opening ass in your cube, or you can light a match and suffer. Call it.

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Dear Sars,

I am a girl, 16 years old, who has always had a personality tic that seems to get in the way of my progress as a human being.

You see, for as long as I can remember, I have taken criticism personally. I don’t mean that I body-check people when they whip out the red pen, but when someone tells me something as simple as “Hey, could you keep your voice down?” even in the nicest of ways, I get flushed, stammer an apology, and just get generally self-conscious.

It’s gotten better as time goes along, because I’ve recognized my problem and have tried to work through it. But as of late, I have encountered a big roadblock. I am in the marching band at my high school and have achieved the position of field commander this year.

In case you were never a band geek as I am, that’s the person who stands up on the podium, waves their arms like a fiend, and is basically in charge of making sure people do their jobs during practice. It’s only been about a month (season’s about four), and already I am majorly stressed out. You see, I am always getting critiqued by those in charge and those under me can sometimes be a little, um, high schooler-ish (never shutting up, throwing things at each other, gossiping [sometimes about me], et cetera). This is definitely new ground for me, but one that is typical for someone in my position.

Still, my criticism problem gets in the way, because about a quarter of the time I end up going home from practice stressed and paranoid that everyone disapproves of how I handle my position.

I know this is pretty run-of-the-mill high school self-consciousness, but it seems like it interferes with my life in and out of band. I tell myself things that are supposed to help, like “What matters is what you think,” and “Criticism isn’t personal,” but they are always harder to put into practice than to say.

So, my question is, is there anything I can do to defeat this problem? Or is it one of those things that improves with age?

Thanks,
Self-Conscious Field Commander

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Dear Ms. Field Commander Ma’am,

Defeat it, I don’t know. Work with it, sure — but it sounds like you already do that. You don’t let criticisms or acting up interfere with practices, I don’t think, and that’s the key. People can say what they like, but you have a job to do, and if you’re doing it and not being buffeted by other people, you’re stronger than you think you are.

If you want to limit the amount of time you spend stressing about it, I would say give yourself ten or fifteen minutes after each practice to look at how things went. Review how you handled tough situations, and either give yourself credit for doing what needed to be done, or make a note that you’ll do it a bit differently next time. At the end of the ten or fifteen minutes, tell yourself that you did your best, and think about something else — watch TV, read a book, play cards with your parents, whatever.

You’ll always have to deal with criticism; some people feel the sting more than others, and if you’re one of those people, you have to find a productive way to incorporate criticism without taking it too personally or obsessing about it. I know every inch of how hard it is to do, and how hard it is not to overreact to stuff like that, but in the end, all you can ever do is your best, and if people are determined not to respect that, it’s on them, not you.

You’ll be fine; just continue to keep an even keel during practices, and don’t beat yourself up about this.

[8/18/04]

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