I have been with my partner for almost a decade. We met in our freshman year of university, stayed together through our undergraduate years, we went to the same grad school and are now out in the real world. For quite some time, almost as long as I can remember, I have been rather unhappy in the relationship. It isn’t that it is bad in any way, it just isn’t…well…good.

I have the feeling that we hooked up early in our adult lives and have just stayed together because it has been comfortable. There have been some good times but I have been through periods where I am quite miserable and am not even pleased to be in the same room as her. These times are broken up by stretches of resigned acceptance where things seem alright or at least tolerable. We don’t share that many interests except in the most general way, we never really talk about anything important or interesting (the only conversations we have seem to be about the mundane, day-to-day things), and I am not entirely sure that she even likes me or I her or that we are actually friends. As far as I can tell all we have in common is a shared past.

What has spurred me on to write you is the fact that I have come to the conclusion that the happiest times in my recent history have been either when I am by myself or she is incidental to my enjoyment of the situation and I have been feeling way more unhappy around her than ever before. The spark in our relationship is long gone. I have rather firmly decided that I would most likely be happier by myself or possibly with someone else (although, to be clear, there is no one else in the picture at the moment).

My real issue, now that I have made up my mind, is how on earth do I broach the subject? We never get into arguments about anything (something which I don’t think is particularly healthy and we both seem to opt for passive-aggressive huffiness instead) so it isn’t like I see us having a big blow-out and in the middle of the heated argument I spill my desire to leave. Also, I can’t imagine how to casually say I think we should end things over dinner one night. I have not been in that many relationships and have typically been the one who is broken up with and I just have not clue about the best way to go about things. While I am under no illusions that splitting up will be in any way easy for either of us I don’t want to hurt her any more than is necessary.

I think one of the reasons we have stayed together for so long is because it is easier that way: easier than dealing with life on our own, easier to just have someone there, easier than attempting to separate our lives which have become extremely intertwined — who gets the car? What about the cat? Whose CD is this? What about all our mutual friends? Et cetera et cetera. For ages she has been talking about marriage and I have tried to let it be known that I don’t see myself getting hitched. Now there is talk of ending our renting days and buying a place of our own. I really think I should get out before things get even complicated and now is that time.

Often, when I am reading The Vine, I think that the writers of the problems must anticipate what your response will be. I can now see that, even though I have a fairly good impression about what you might say to all this, there is a need to get an outside opinion and hopefully you will be able to steer me in the right direction. Maybe I just need a good swift kick in the keister and I can think of no one better than you to deliver it.

Thanks very much,
Where’s the escape hatch on this thing?

You know what you have to do; I think you want me to tell you the best way to do it, and unfortunately, there is no “best” way, really. The only way that even approaches “good” is to do it as soon as you can, as quickly and as honestly as you can.

Because it’s going to suck, and I know you don’t want to blindside her, but honestly, if she doesn’t have an inkling already that you’re dissatisfied (which she very well may, I don’t know), it doesn’t do her any favors to sort of disingenuously “work up to” a big fight, or drop hints. It’s going to be an ugly process no matter how much advance warning she gets, and the best thing for both of you is to just get started on it — breaking up, dividing your stuff, working it out.

Inertia is a problem in these situations; we’ve all stayed in relationships we weren’t keen on because it’s like, well, I’m not actively miserable so why rock the boat. And the thing is, too, sometimes, that relationships have a sort of sine-wave cyclical nature where sometimes you’re in sync and sometimes you feel kind of cut off, and once you know a person that well, it’s not going to be a thrill a minute anymore.

But if you constantly feel out of phase with her…you need to at least bring that up and start talking about it, because certainly nothing’s going to change if she’s unaware of how you feel. So, steel yourself, remind yourself that it’s going to be okay (because, eventually, it is), and get it over with. It won’t get any easier with waiting.

Hello Sars,

When did the cent symbol fall from grace? Apologies if you’ve already talked about this…

It Used To Exist, Damn It!

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Dear Cents and Sensibility,

(Sorry. Tired over here.)

I don’t know when it fell from grace exactly, but I can take a guess at why — prices are just higher than they used to be, in the “I remember when Cokes cost a nickel” sense, and I suspect that there just aren’t enough things that cost less than a dollar for keyboard manufacturers to justify including the cent symbol.

I just checked my vintage Remington Travel-Riter, and to my surprise, it doesn’t have one either. I don’t know the manufacture date on that typewriter for sure, and it may have a few keys missing, but it looks complete to me and there’s no cent symbol…but on the other hand, my mother’s old Selectric had one and that machine was from the eighties.

Short answer: you got me.

[8/18/05]

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