The Vine: August 19, 2003
Dear Sars,
I have to rant about something. I know I’m preaching to the choir when writing you (Sars) about it, but I just can’t hold this in any longer. I have noticed that a fair number of the letters written are from people requesting advice on the issue of cheating. It varies from serious flirting and/or kissing, to full-on intercourse. Some are married and others are in non-married, but committed, relationships; however, they all claim to love and care for their partners. It seems that the leading issues brought up are usually about their urges and how they can satisfy them, or the conflicts caused because some of the others involved are friends or coworkers. What flabbergasts me, is that no one seems to make their significant others their FIRST concern. If you will allow me, I would like to speak to them.
To those people, especially those that are married…SHAME ON YOU! Keep your damn parts to yourself! Before you think of how you can get your groove on (and get away with it), think of the end result first. Think of what kind of effect it will have on your partner. Think about the broken trust, the sadness, the hurt and anger, and the worthlessness they’ll feel; all caused by you. That bond you share? It will never be the same…never. NOW PICTURE IT IN YOUR MIND. Visualize your partner finding out and remember that. See it? See the pain? Now tell me if your roll in the hay is worth all that. If somehow you still think it is, then you’re the one who’s worthless.
Thank you, Sars, for letting me get that off my chest. It’s been gnawing at me for a few days.
Mad to the Bone
Dear Mad,
“Worthless” is a little severe, don’t you think? If a friend of yours came to you and confessed that she’d cheated on her husband and she didn’t know what to do, would you drop the hammer on her like that? Probably not — you know her, you have a deeper understanding of the background than you might with a stranger, and you sympathize with her even if she put her foot in it, because she’s freaking out.
“But — but you ripped on that woman last week!” Yes, I did, but I ripped on her mostly because she felt entitled to forgiveness just because she felt bad about it, and then she tried to turn around and make it her boyfriend’s hang-up instead of taking responsibility for hurting him. It’s not that she cheated per se, although I certainly don’t endorse that. It’s that she doesn’t understand the difference between “sorry to have hurt him and abused his trust” and “sorry to have gotten caught doing so.”
A lot of the cheating-related letters I’ve run lately don’t grasp that difference, so I see your point in that regard, but the fact is that people do make mistakes — big ones — and I try not to judge them on the mistakes themselves. Now, if they think those mistakes don’t have consequences, or that they “don’t count” unless they made the mistakes on purpose, well, that’s a different story.
Dear Sars:
For quite some time now, I have been pondering a grammar-related question. To the best of my knowledge, apostrophes are meant to indicate a) ownership (“Sars’ website”) or b) contraction (“I don’t think so”). In the last few years, I’ve noticed an increase in the use of apostrophization; more to the point, people seem to be using it in combination with numbers (“1960’s”). I’ve always assumed, in a smug, superior sort of way, that this was wrong and that I was glad that I knew that it was wrong. However, in doing one of the reading for a Canadian history course I’m taking, I noticed that one of the articles from a scholastic journal had used “1930’s.” Am I wrong in thinking this is incorrect, or has this become acceptable?
An Anxious Yet Pretentious Undergrad
Dear Anxious,
According to Strunk & White, it’s actually “Sars’s website.”
Garner says, to my dismay, that the apostrophe is often used in pluralizations of acronyms (“MBA’s”) and years (“the 1960’s”). I too had hoped that I could rule that use completely incorrect, but I can’t, because evidently it isn’t; widespread use has made it acceptable.
The good news is that it’s not incorrect to write “MBAs” and “1960s,” and given that that usage is less confusing, I would continue to do it that way.
Dear Sars,
I thought maybe you could offer some of that great advice you’re famous for.
Here’s my situation: I’m 17. I’ve been out of public school for a few years (I was home-schooled for two years, and I officially dropped out when I turned 16), and I lost contact with most of the people I used to go to school with. I don’t go to church, I haven’t been able to find a job, I’m not a member of any organizations, et cetera. You may see where I’m going with this.
It’s finally getting really lonely. I’ve recently formed a professional-type relationship with two people and while I know they aren’t really friend material, since I’m sure there’s something unethical about guys in their mid-thirties chilling with minors (not to mention the fact that there’s probably some kind of rule about them being medical professionals and not seeing patients — and I am a patient — in their off-time), but being around them frequently has reminded me that I actually DO like some people.
So my problem is this: The town I live in is ridiculously small, and I have no idea where I’d go to meet new people. There aren’t any clubs, there’s no mall, and the main place people my age hang out is Wal-Mart. I was thinking of taking a few classes at the community college, just for fun, since I’m planning on joining the Navy in a few months, so maybe that’s a start? Is it possible to meet people like that? Any suggestions on where to meet people in a tiny town/how to become the magnetizing type of person who makes friends wherever she goes? I realize I’ve sort of painted myself into this hermit-y corner, but it’d be nice to have friends again just the same.
Thanks for your help,
The accidental antisocialite
Dear Anti,
Sure, you could take a few classes. You could also just wait until you join the Navy to meet new people. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — the way to meet people is to meet them. Make small-talk at the coffee shop, or in line at the grocery store. If you get invited to a party, go, and schmooze the folks you don’t know. You do it by doing it.
It’s not that much easier in big cities than it is in small towns, because in a place like Manhattan, you need certain interpersonal defenses and it’s tough for others to get past those at times. But eventually someone will respond to you; it’s just that they can’t respond if you don’t give them anything to respond to.
Dear Sars,
I’m having a problem with one of my cousins. She is very close to me, and I am terribly afraid for her. We come from a large Portuguese family which consists of 18 aunts and uncles, 15 cousins (including my siblings and I), and countless second and third cousins. My Vavo, being Portuguese, loves to make food and then guilt us into eating it. In the same breath, my grandmother will tell you that she loves you but to shut up, that you are fat but you should eat more. “That’s Vavo,” most of us say, and we ignore her insults (after all she means no harm). My cousin, let’s call her “C,” interprets it quite differently.
You see, C is overweight; she has become anorexic. She barely eats, and asking her to eat only makes her upset and cry. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone, which is why she hasn’t told the family. If the family knows, they will question her without tact and with little understanding. They too don’t mean harm, but when you are in a family that loves food this much, they wouldn’t understand self-starvation.
I personally think this is a self-destructive way for her to cope. She lost two friends in a car crash; one was decapitated, and the other was crushed. One of her friends is pregnant. Another was raped. Yet another has been trying to kill herself. C has been comforting them all but not herself. Add that to Vavo telling her she’s fat, bad luck with mean-spirited, cruel boys in school, and a lack of people to whom she can vent. She recently fell because she was dizzy (I assume from lack of food), and cut herself pretty bad with the fall. She’s lost something like 40 pounds in a week and a half.
I think she should tell someone, but I don’t think I should tell. She came to me because she has no one else to whom she can turn. How can I break that trust after all the problems she is going through? I know it would be better for her if I told, and normally I would think that she would get over it and forgive me — except that I’m worried that if I do tell, it will push her over the edge. I can’t encourage her to eat because then she starts to cry and gets very distressed. I can’t tell her how I feel about her starving herself because then she’ll think she’s hurting me and she’ll punish herself more. (One of her friends had tried that tactic and that was the result.)
I want to help her, but how? What would you do?
Sincerely,
Concerned for my Cousin
Dear Concerned,
Not that I don’t believe you that C has a problem, but the information you’ve given me is…not the best. It’s possible to be overweight and anorexic at the same time, of course, but that description is a bit bizarre…and you can’t lose forty pounds in a week, unless you have multiple limbs amputated. You just can’t. So, I can’t really base my advice on what’s going on with her physically, because I can’t really tell.
It does sound like C has a lot on her plate emotionally, and I think you should strongly suggest that she seek counseling. An eating disorder is not about eating, as I’ve said many many times before, so don’t bother haranguing her to take a donut; tell her that you love her, you worry about her, and you want her to get help dealing with her anxiety, because that’s what’s making her do this.
If she doesn’t get help, tell her parents. Yeah, yeah, I know she’ll get angry, but she doesn’t have a clear understanding of her own best interests right now, and anorexia has serious physical side effects; I can’t say what caused that fall, but if she’s not eating enough to keep her balance, her parents need to know that, and soon. Now, whether you want to tell her that you’ll blow her cover if she doesn’t get help is up to you, but either way, if she refuses to get help, I wouldn’t let it go too long. You have to get to these disorders early.
Ask her to find a therapist or tell her parents on her own. If she won’t, give her a week or two to change her mind and then tell her parents yourself. It’s not an enviable position, but eating disorders do not fix themselves.
Dear Sars,
Here’s a quandary for you. Say two friends — “Jerry” and “Elaine,” we’ll call them — go out for dinner. Jerry has one of those coupon books you can buy for about $30 and use for discounts on restaurants, shops, and the like. Jerry wants to use his book, so he suggests they go to a restaurant for which he holds a “buy one dinner, get one free” coupon. Elaine agrees.
At the end of the meal, the check arrives. Jerry ordered the cheaper dinner of the two, so according to the coupon rules his dinner is the free one. But instead of splitting the check, he promptly contributes about $4, to pay for his beverage and part of the tip. A very surprised Elaine is left to pay full price for her $15 dinner.
Is Elaine right to be upset about this? Yes, Jerry was the coupon holder, but he used Elaine’s money to reap the benefits of his coupon. If he had gone to dinner alone, the coupon would have been useless. But on the other hand, Jerry did pay good money for the coupon book — was Elaine being presumptuous by assuming that she’d get to share in the discount without contributing to the cost of the book?
This situation is, of course, completely hypothetical. Your input is appreciated.
Sincerely,
A Third Party
Dear Third,
I suppose Jerry could argue that for Elaine to assume made an ass out of blah blah blah big-salad-cakes, but my take on it is that, if Jerry suggested the dinner and specifically mentioned the coupon book, the implication is that he will share the benefits of said coupon with Elaine.
Even if Jerry and Elaine go halfsies, Jerry still pays less than he would have without the coupon, so not offering to split the check is a cheapskate move…and tacky. Unfortunately, it’s also tacky for Elaine to point that out.
So let me take the opportunity to remind the readership that, once you have passed the age of sixteen, lowballing the check is inexcusable. No, no, no — inexcusable. Period. “But I need that three bucks for my student loan!” Then you can’t afford to eat out in the first place, so don’t. “But I got the vegetarian entree and it’s less expensive and she got a steak and it’s not faaaaair!” Then order the lamb, grow up, or both. Thrift is an admirable quality, but when it comes to eating out, seriously — keep it to yourself. Snitting about who got the refill on iced tea is bad breeding. Don’t do it.
[8/19/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar health and beauty the fam
