The Vine: August 2, 2002
Hi Sars,
Okay. There’s this boy. I’ve known him for about two years, and I’ve been seriously interested in him — strongly infatuated with him, anyway — for a ridiculously long time now, a little over a year. And I haven’t acted on it, but I think it’s sort of obvious that I’m interested in him — the way I look at him, little things I say, stuff like that.
So why haven’t I really acted on it? The thing is, he’s gay but not very comfortable with it — still sort of in the process of coming out, I guess, and I don’t want to scare him, especially since I would be his first actual boyfriend. But, see, I’m pretty sure he’s into me…he writes these long passionate poems and stories and stuff and makes a big point of telling me how I’m the only one he shows them to — they’re always very emotional and romantic, but very vague so I never really know what they’re “about” — and my other friends say that he constantly talks about me and asks about me whenever I’m not around.
So, am I being stupid for not saying anything? I just feel like I should give him time to come out all the way, I guess, because I know how hard that can be and he might not be ready for a romantic relationship with a boy, but on the other hand I’m really sick of waiting around when I know how happy I would be with him — he’s a perfect match for me, personality-wise, and we always have an awesome time together (plus he’s beautiful). We’re also pretty good friends, so I don’t want to mess things up there either, obviously, by pushing things too early and just openly telling him how I feel about him.
What do you think? Am I being selfish? Should I say anything?
Speechless in the City
Dear Speechless,
It sounds to me like he’s waiting for you to make the first move — if in fact he’s interested, but you won’t know that until you do make a move of some kind.
I would tell him what you just told me — you really dig him, you think he digs you, and even though you worry that he’s not ready and that it might screw up the friendship, you’d like to know where you stand with him in that department. Sure, he might freak out, and he might not reciprocate your feelings, but at least you’ll know, and any awkwardness will most likely dissipate with time and let you move on.
On the other hand, if you really feel that he’s not ready, you might want to save yourself the drama and eliminate him as a possibility — but that’s easier said than done anyway. I’d talk to him as honestly as you can and see what happens.
Dear Ms. Bunting,
I have an etiquette question that I’ve chased through my head till I’m dizzy. I’ve got a very dear friend named Ken. Ken is a terrific, frugal guy who has kinda weak math skills. I’m a former waitress who tends to overtip, and I can do math in my head with ease. While I do tend to overtip myself, I never give others advice on their tips unless directly asked.
On occasion, when we’re eating out, Ken will ask me to check his math on tipping and to recommend whether he should give more money. Over the course of our friendship, I’ve also accidentally spotted tips from Ken that were pretty chintzy. I don’t know whether these tips reflected his opinion of the service, or math errors. I’ve been erring on the side of butting out, but somehow I keep finding myself thinking that he might appreciate knowing his math is failing him, if indeed his math is failing him. Should I talk to Ken about this?
Thanks,
Prolix
Dear Prolix,
I’d handle it this way — the next time Ken asks for your help with calculating a tip, find a way to remind him that fifteen percent is standard for good service, and give him an easy way of adding that up each time (here in New York State you can just double the tax, but figuring ten percent and then adding half of that works too).
Otherwise, leave it alone. Bad tippers don’t change, so if his math is the problem, correct it, but if not, don’t bother — just slip an extra five under the tab now and then and let it go.
I’ve been reading your site for quite awhile and, because I believe you to be well-versed in the area of not taking shit, I’m writing you to ask your opinion on a little dilemma.
I have a friend — I’ll call him “Steve” — whom I have known for upwards of three years. Steve and I have always had this underlying sexual tension going on, but he’s had a girlfriend for most of the time I’ve known him.
Saturday night, Steve and I went to a party made up of mostly my friends. I walk in the door, and immediately spot a guy I’d flirted with at parties previously. As I was with Steve, though, I didn’t talk to this guy (who I’ll call “Alex”) for any considerable chunk of time.
Eventually, Steve disappeared with some male friends of mine. Alex came up to talk to me, and we totally hit it off. After a little while, we went upstairs together. Later, when I saw Steve again, he was complaining that the whole situation was very uncomfortable and he was getting a ride home. I said okay and that he should call me the next day, although I’d be busy and had to work that evening.
Sunday was uneventful until I went to work. Steve came in and was polite at first, chit-chatting with me about the movie I was watching. (I work at a video store part-time.) Eventually, however, he starts telling me again how uncomfortable he felt at the party. He talked at great length, staring at me intensely and telling me things like he didn’t like how my friends treated him, and that he thought I’d been used.
He left, and my co-worker turned to me in horror. “What a creep,” she said. “Drop him fast.” I was so embarrassed that he’d chosen to talk to me about it at work that I didn’t even begin to think about the actual subject of what he’d been saying.
When I got home, I composed a letter to him and dropped it off at his house. I’ve never been able to express myself very well when talking to someone, but I spent a lot of time on the letter and felt that I’d said everything I’d needed to say. I told him I felt that he’d been passive-aggressively guilt-tripping me, that I didn’t appreciate him implying that I didn’t have control over the situation, and that I didn’t need his permission to fool around with a guy. How is it okay for him to have a girlfriend for two years while I just hooked up with one guy, one night? I told him I didn’t really feel comfortable seeing him for awhile.
He responded, via email, by saying how incredibly sorry he feels and that he knows he was an asshole. He said he realizes, unconsciously, that he did want to guilt-trip me. He pressed me for information on how I feel about him.
I still feel ill when I think about him. However, he has been a good friend to me until now. I guess my question is: Do you think it’s possible for me to eventually reconcile with him? Or is this something which is unforgivable?
Thanks,
Queasy and Questioning
Dear Q&Q,
I don’t think I understand what’s going on here — my grasp of the party situation is sort of tenuous, to tell you the truth — but it sounds like he got territorial and judgmental, and it sounds like you resent it.
Still, I think “unforgivable” is a little strong, given the circumstances. If you feel you need to set boundaries with Steve, set them. If you need some space from him for a while, take it. He behaved inappropriately, and he should see that that has consequences, but…”unforgivable”? I think that says more about your issues with him up to this point than it does about what he actually did.
Take a little time to figure out what you want from your friendship with him, but don’t get too melodramatic about it and cut him off…and don’t do it on the say-so of a co-worker, either.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette
