Dear Sars,

I met a man while playing a game on Yahoo, and struck up an email exchange based on several likes and dislikes we discovered about each other while playing the game. At first it was very casual and fun — it was great to dialogue with someone who had so much in common with me! (I have an array of girl friends I talk about these things with, but it is harder for me to find men who like some of the things that I do.) Plus, the imagination and mild flirting that took place was very interesting to me.

So, fast forward many emails and a deeper connection, phone calls and photo exchanges, emotion building up, and wanting to meet in person to see if what we were experiencing virtually could be mirrored in real life. (He is in Europe and I am in the USA.) The whole experience of meeting someone online is mind-boggling to me. The dynamics of emotions that get pulled in, and the way you relate your inner thoughts more freely — it just isn’t something I totally understand…we had a sort of meeting from the inside out, so to speak.

Well, my issues don’t just evaporate regardless of who I meet or how I meet them. One of my issues relates to trust, because I have been burnt in the past…and as much as I am digging the whole online deal, I have to wonder how real what is being presented to me is — and once I go down that road, it just gets worse.

So, I know he is a frequent chatter and I know where he likes to chat. At this point in the “relationship,” he has told me he loves me and he considers me to be his girlfriend, and it feels like we are in a relationship (and I am in accordance with this, as best I can with it being virtual). This one night, I go online in the chat site he frequents, and log on under a different name; he is there and I spend the time just an observer and don’t chat, after a bit he logs off. A few minutes later a person logs in with an unusual name, but not unusual to me since I know it relates to something he likes. He has given me his log-on names, and none of them have ever been the one being used now. I am not sure if it’s him, so I initiate a conversation with the person — asking some specific questions, i.e. what do you do for a living, personal stuff, et cetera — to find out it is definitely him!! I am totally shocked, as he starts flirting with me, but it’s not until he says he is not in a relationship and tries to give me his phone and email address that I see the truth. Needless to say, I got out of there right away and was completely upset.

I didn’t understand how or why he needed to meet other people, after the things he was saying to me and the genuine connection I felt we had. I was also dismayed, since I am 30 and he is 34, that two adults couldn’t just be real about everything. This was prior to me flying out and meeting him — and with my ticket bought already, I just didn’t know what to do…I sort of flipped out and went into a distant mood, with an intense need to figure out how hard I was being played. For what, for why…I don’t know.

I did meet him, and it was okay fun — not the deep connection I had expected (I was emotionally feeling distant), but I knew with some effort or relocation it could work out, since there was chemistry and good conversations about general topics that occurred. I was not prepared for the non-discussion of the future that took place, and not wanting to set myself up for a complete rejection (especially since I didn’t know what I wanted either), I went with the “whatever” mode and didn’t talk that much either. I was piqued, though, that he didn’t declare everlasting devotion, being the ego grunt queen that I am.

After that time spent together, we returned to our continents and thus began the further widening emotional distance. I didn’t completely understand why the emails dropped off, why the effort waned — although the words that he kept saying when I heard from him were about being together. I wasn’t stupid, and I knew that if it was meant to work out, it would have and he obviously wasn’t that into it. Regardless, when someone is telling me that I am the one they want to be with, marry eventually, and see the future with, I don’t just shrug it off…also because I did love him also, and the dream of him being “the one” was met in the beginning. But the damn trust thing flared up with the distance I felt happening…well, I just went off my balance beam a tad.

I managed, with a bit of creativity and patience, to hack into his web email account. Granted, this wasn’t the most brilliant and articulate way to deal with my problem — but I did have an open discussion with him on the phone where I point-blank asked him about seeing other people or needing to meet people still since we met, and he assured me that wasn’t the case. I sat with that for a bit and then went right back into a manic mode and just HAD to get into his emails to find out how many other people he was talking to. I just felt like I didn’t know him anymore…and didn’t trust anything, not even myself. I also couldn’t mask the despair I felt at the dream being lost, since we had connected so brilliantly in the beginning.

Of course…there was another girl he was emailing. Nothing like what we had been carrying on about, but the process was beginning and he was telling her all about himself — sans girlfriend and with no mention of being in a relationship at all. In fact, he point-blank wrote in an email that he wasn’t seeing anyone — and the email was dated about two weeks prior to me getting into the account (and after about five months of our relationship taking place).

I can’t explain or justify or recommend or even grasp the wrongness of hacking into his email — but I was totally pleased in a furious sort of way. I knew something was up. It wasn’t my imagination, it wasn’t a delusion…it was a real intuition I picked up.

The relationship dissolved right away — I confessed what I did to him and asked him to change his password because I didn’t want access to it. To this day, he denies his involvement with the girl, but whatever.

So, my question(s) — after this long ass-scenario has been painted — is this: I have lingering confusion about hacking into his email. I can’t feel that much remorse about it. Is that wrong? I also have a big problem regarding my intuition — how the HELL did I feel that everything we connected about was so right, only to find out he is not able to maintain commitment to one person, with intuition aiding in both cases? I feel like an ass — for not containing my trust issues. I just don’t understand why someone would be karmically, or fatefully, drawn to me and I to them, and it all turns out for shit. No comprendo the universal message. I don’t really like to believe that my existence on this planet revolves around emotional pain! What happened?

Signed,
Blatant Hacker With A Dash Of Psycho

You need to get a serious grip. Your letter reads like it’s written by someone half your age; it’s tone-deaf emotionally. You put all your eggs in the basket of this online relationship, and I certainly don’t mean to run down online relationships, but most adults understand that 1) they don’t behave the same way as in-person ones, even as friendships; and 2) you should behave a little more warily with people who really could be telling you pretty much anything.

But no, you believed all the mushy love talk. Okay, fine; we all have blind spots. But the weirdness hits just keep on coming: 1) you started to get a wig about the guy’s behavior, which didn’t leave much to the imagination in the vaguely-sleazy department; 2) you went to visit him anyway, in spite of its being a bad idea on its face; 3) and when you got there, you acted like a bitch, then expected him to fall all over himself shmooping on you, even though you considered him a scuz!

I get that the guy’s a buttwad, but you need to grow up, now, today. Hell yes it’s wrong to have broken into his email, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg; you don’t seem to have much of an idea how to deal with other adults.

Get into therapy and figure out why you behave so passive-aggressively. I say this for your own good, too. You got off pretty easily this time, but teenage bullshit like this is going to bite you royally hard in the ass one day, and you need to quit it so you can live a happy life.

Sars,

Okay, here’s my problem. There’s no easy way to put this, probably because it embarrasses me for some reason. My best friend is the only soul alive who knows this, and since she doesn’t have any ideas, I thought I’d put this to you. I’m twenty years old, and I have never been kissed.

Why? I couldn’t tell you. I’ve been told I’m pretty, and beautiful, and I’ve got a pretty good body. I’m an educated college student, and I don’t think I’ve got b.o. (I do have a smart mouth and a leaning toward sarcasm, so maybe that’s putting out some unapproachable vibes.) Lately I’ve been thinking that a cosmic joke is being played on me, that the life choices I’ve made, or that have been made for me, have just not left me in the position to have a boyfriend.

I was one of the few white girls in my high school, and there was an unspoken kind of reverse racism going on there, where no one would date us. So, I thought in college I’d get a boyfriend. Except for the fact that my small private university is 75 percent female, and half the guys are gay. So that leaves about 250 guys for 1,500 girls. And since about half of those 250 have girlfriends, that leaves 175 guys for a ton of horny girls. Since that puts them in the enviable position of being able to sleep with whomever they want to, most of them are self-asbsorbed jerks. So, I thought at work I’d get a boyfriend. Except that at one of my jobs I work for my grandparents, and no one would dare date the boss’s grandaughter. At my other job — a salesclerk at a high-end beauty beautique — the only men who come in are gay or buying something for their wives.

So Sars, where does that leave me? I have no time for a social life outside of school and work right now, and I’m only 20, so I can’t get into bars or clubs anyway. Also, jumping way ahead, say I do go out with some hot guy, and it’s kiss time. I’m going to be a 20-year-old kissing virgin, horrible at something 13-yearolds are experts at. Do I even mention that to the guy? Is that something you mention on a first date anyway?

I’m at loose ends, and I feel like this is never going to happen. If I wasn’t an atheist, I’d become a nun.

Never Been Kissed, But Way Better-Looking Than Drew In That Stupid Movie

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Dear Never,

I’ve said pretty much the same thing to every letter of this ilk that I’ve gotten, and I’ll say it again. First of all, everyone goes at their own pace in things make-out, so — and here’s the really important second point — don’t overthink it. When you spend all your time obsessing over how everyone’s “ahead of” you and what if you fuck it up and wah wah wah, you start to put out a panicky vibe.

Believe me, I understand how you feel. I got to almost seventeen before a tongue entered my mouth, and I picked at that scab constantly; my journal from that time is full of melodramatic moaning and wailing about throwing myself into a volcano before the villagers got around to it and so on. But then I sort of decided, well, this is my life — nobody will kiss me, ever, so I’ll just read a book. Then I ran across a boy who found that attitude kind of charming.

Go to school. Go to work. Flirt, but don’t pull a muscle at it. Braid your hair. Eat a peach. It’ll happen. Just don’t think about it all the time.

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Dear Sars,

I know this is an adolescent question, something I should send to YM magazine or something, but I feel your response would be more valuable than theirs.

I’m very picky when it comes to boys. I could’ve had seven boyfriends, but I’ve had two. The first, “Carlos,” was an awesome boyfriend, and even though we broke up months ago, we’re still good friends. I just dumped my last boyfriend, “Kyle,” because I’d been pressured into dating him before I was sure I wanted to, and found myself thinking about other guys. I thought that Kyle would understand, because he was such an…understanding person, but apparently he didn’t. He got over me in literally an hour and now hates me. I know we didn’t go out for long, but we were close friends before we dated, and I want to be his friend again. I miss him! But he doesn’t want anything to do with me; I just dumped him last Wednesday, and already he’s gotten another girlfriend, dumped her because she was about to dump him for someone else, and gotten a crush on three new girls. And he won’t even talk to me! I know I should get over him — after all, it was me who did the dumping — but I feel like I lost a brother, at the least.

And to make matters worse, our best friends are dating. But Kyle hates me, so he doesn’t go anywhere with us anymore, and I always feel like a third wheel. I’ve given up talking to him, thinking I’ll give him some time to cool down, but now I keep having dreams where we make up, then sit down and watch a movie together like we used to. And no matter what I do, everything reminds me of him. EVERYTHING. Water reminds me of him!

What can I do to keep him out of my mind? And how long do you think it’ll take him to cool down?

Button Girl

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Dear Button,

I don’t know for sure what you can do to keep him out of your mind, but you should probably start by keeping him out of your sight and see how that goes.

I mean, you just broke up. It sounds like you made the right decision for yourself, but Kyle doesn’t seem all that crazy about the idea — he’s acting like the biggest, brownest butthole he can in order to piss you off. And what do you know? It’s working.

In my experience, it’s best to let the dumpee call the shots in terms of how much space he needs, how he/she wants to handle things post-break-up, et cetera. Step back and give Kyle a little room to deal with whatever he’s dealing with; if you guys had a solid friendship before, he’ll simmer down eventually, but it won’t happen overnight, so accept that this is how things are now and try not to worry about.

And now I’m going to pick on you for a usage thing, but don’t take it personally. The expression is “fifth wheel,” not “third wheel.” A third wheel, you see, comes in handy and provides balance (viz. the tricycle). A fifth wheel is utterly extraneous. Thus the expression. Okay, carry on.

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   grammar