The Vine: August 20, 2003
Hello, Sars.
The advice that you have given in the past regarding all matters feline has been spot-on, so I’m going to you first with a question regarding my new kitty.
Curious is about a year old, and she joined our family after the holidays. My oldest daughter’s friend moved to Canada and couldn’t take the cat with her, so (after a few interim foster families) I wound up with her (the cat, not the friend). There was some confusion about whether or not she had been fixed — confusion which was dispelled when Curious went into heat.
Besides meowing demandingly while backing around the house, Curious also decided to spray on any fabric that was left on the floor during the time that she was in active heat. Not the carpet or area rugs, thank God. She would anoint blankets or clothing that got left lying around. Only those types of items, and only when she was in heat. (It crossed my mind that this was an effective, though smelly, way to get my teenagers to pick up after themselves. Except ew.)
Curious has no other bad habits. She has no interest in her official scratching post, and has instead adopted the wooden stand for the kitchen water crock. Which I don’t mind, as it is a completely disposable item.
So. Curious got fixed three days ago. She is still wearing that hilarious collar that makes her look like a walking lamp, and she is confined to my bedroom while she is recovering.
My question relates to Curious and the new living room furniture that I am having delivered in a few days. It is the first new furniture that I have had in ages. Although I am generally not terribly attached to material things, I would like my nice, new furniture to look, well, nice and new for as long as possible.
Since she only sprayed while she was in heat, do you think that I have anything to fear in that department once she has the full run of the house again? Also, is the spray bottle method the best way to discourage scratching if Curious decides that my new couch and/or tables look just too polished?
Thanks!
Always Thought I Was A Dog Person
Dear Dog,
Fixing the cat should relieve her physical compulsion to spray — but she may have gotten into the habit, so my advice is to keep an eye on her for the first few days after her convalescence. When she’s not confined to quarters, follow her around with a water bottle, and if it looks like she’s going to mark, spritz her.
I’d advise the same strategy for the new furniture. Supervise her when she’s first in the room with it, and if she starts to give it a tune-up, spritz her.
The trick with both of these things is to introduce the negative reinforcement early and often. It might disrupt your schedule for a few days or a week to follow her from room to room with your water bottle a-sloshing when you’d rather just read a book, but if you discourage her thoroughly enough now from clawing and/or marking, it’ll save you many hours of aggro later.
Dear Sars,
Love TN, love TWoP, love you. Plus, need an unbiased opinion. Forgive the length.
I’m 20 years old and a junior in college. I’ve been dating “Zach” for about a year now. Zach lives in a town about an hour and a half away from my college, and he has very irregular days off, so when he has several days off at a time, or a long weekend, he often spends the night with me or I with him, so that we can spend more time together without all that driving.
The problem is, my parents know about my occasionally spending weekends at his place — they call me constantly and have asked questions that leave me with no recourse but to lie or tell the truth, with no room for discreet non-information. Now, most parents probably wouldn’t be thrilled at the idea of their daughter sleeping over at A Boy’s Apartment, but my parents were maybe less thrilled than most. Frankly, they entirely flipped out about it, and refused to ever, ever, ever let the subject drop. Every time I went home I was badgered about it. One time over the phone, my mom shrieked at me over the phone, “Do you sleep in the same BED with him? Do you both TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES?”
My parents didn’t force the issue by outright forbidding me to spend the night with Zach, so I took the course of trying to avoid the subject, which obviously didn’t work. It was really bothering me that it bothered them so much, though, because I was/am very serious about Zach and hated that this whole thing was such a stumbling block to their accepting our relationship.
Finally, Zach and I talked about the issue and decided that in the interests of our long-term relationship with my parents, we would try not spending the night together any more. Let me stress that this was a mutual decision; I didn’t pressure or coerce him into it, or present it as if I just had to do as my parents wished. We decided it for our own long-term best interests — although admittedly more for mine than his, since he didn’t have to deal with the hassling and would suffer less than I if my parents never accepted him. I told my parents about this discussion and decision, hoping it would make them more open to accepting Zach as part of the family, or at least not the Evil Corrupting Adversary.
After about a month of no sleeping over, Zach told me that he felt the idea “suck[ed] more than anticipated.” Although we were still as physically intimate as before, he said the lack of sleeping together was not only inconvenient and meant we had less time together, he felt like it detracted from our relationship. I had to agree that I missed the closeness of falling asleep together, and that our day-trysts felt oddly like a crazy fling — or a summer crush — rather than a serious relationship. Maybe if we had never slept together, it wouldn’t have seemed that way, but going back was just odd. In addition, although my parents weren’t hassling me about sleepovers any more, they didn’t seem any more Zach-friendly than before.
Zach and I talked it over and, again mutually, decided to can the whole idea and just start spending nights again. I didn’t feel too bad about this, since I hadn’t promised my parents anything or told them I was going to do as they said from now on; I had just told them about Zach’s and my decision, making it clear that it was our decision (which presumably conveyed that it was ours to overturn).
My problem is that since I told my parents about the decision but haven’t told them about the overturning of the decision, I feel like I’m lying to them, and I hate that. Just not telling them things is okay, and in a way that’s what it is, but on the other hand, they trust that the information I gave them before is true until I inform them otherwise, so that kind of makes it into a retroactive lie, even though it was true at the time. Where does discretion cross the line into deceit? Do I have to be honest, tell them we’re spending the night together again, and voluntarily submit to the shrieking and the recriminations and the blah dee blah? Or can I let them live in blissful ignorance without being an evil, bad, deceitful person?
Signed,
Collegiate Juliet
Dear Juliet,
You can certainly let them live in blissful ignorance, and what’s more, you should. You are over eighteen. Whether you sleep in Zach’s bed is officially no longer any of their business. Stop acting like you owe them an explanation or an update — you don’t, and just because you gave into their bullshit before doesn’t mean you have to do it again.
Your parents won’t approve of everything you do as an adult, and they don’t have to. Take the subject off the table and leave it there.
Dear Sars,
I’ve been mulling this issue over for a couple weeks now, and I’ve come to a decision. Sort of. But I don’t trust it, I’m still getting that nasty, squinchy, fluttery feeling in my stomach, I don’t want to fall into the trap of shit-talking about one of my favorite people with other friends, my boyfriend has been a little too low-key in his responses to my queries (as in calming my bitchy anger and smoothing my very ruffled feathers, but not giving me any real advice), and I just want to make a decision about what to do already.
Sigh. Sorry about the excessive commas.
As you can see, I’m in quite a tizzy here. But I always read The Vine, and I often agree with your responses, totally dig your writing style, and am pretty confident that you don’t know any of my friends, so I thought I’d give this a shot.
Background: Snow White and I have been friends for many years. We started our friendship in junior high and are now in our late twenties. We’ve supported each other through some very difficult times and terrible fashion decisions, we’ve drifted and come back, we’ve fought, and we’ve done a ton of maniacal giggling. Sleepovers, family vacations, proms, bad New Year’s parties — lots of history. She’s getting married soon, and I’m really happy for her and Prince Charming. They’re an awesome couple and I think the wedding will be wicked fun.
But there’s a snag. Isn’t there always one when a wedding is involved?
My parents are not invited. I’m in the wedding, whith wedding gift basket, she’s spent tons of time with my family and I with hers, and she invited my mother to the freaking bridal shower. She did tell me, when she was making up the invitation list for the shower, that she wasn’t sure if she could invite my parents to the wedding. They needed to keep the wedding really small to save money, and she just wasn’t sure of the final guest list and tally. It was important to her, though, to have my mother involved somehow. Would it be okay if she invited my mother to the shower but possibly (I emphasize the “possibly”) not to the wedding? Not strictly correct as far as formal etiquette goes, but my family has always been flexible on that front. I explained the situation to my mom to see how she felt about it, and she was very understanding and cool about the whole thing.
To the shower: Snow White starts telling my mom about how they’ve been working on the invitations and it’s such a project, yadda yadda, and it comes out that they’ve invited 180 people. To me, that is not a small wedding. Is that a small wedding? To me, a small wedding is 50 guests or so.
Invitations go out, my parents aren’t invited, their feelings are hurt, my feelings are hurt. I guess this is my issue: I think it’s kinda weird that she wouldn’t include my parents in the first place, but my problem is that the wedding is really not all that small at this point and SW mentioned this to my mom. I would have lied about how many guests were there or something. Or not. I don’t know. Additionally, I’ve had to listen to SW moan about how there are people coming that she and PC don’t really know or care for (invited themselves, parents forced an invite, felt obligated). My question, at long last, is a two parter: Am I silly to be hurt by this? And am I allowed to ask her why my parents weren’t included, especially now that it’s not a small wedding (unless I’m totally deluded about what a small wedding is)?
I’ve been thinking about this for a little bit, and I really don’t want to stress her out about the wedding. She’s got enough to deal with in the next few months. I also don’t want to make her mad, or cause her to feel guilty. I just kinda want to know. I mean, has she decided that my parents are really awful? Or socially inept? Does my family smell like old shoes? Or what? I’m totally not trying to wrangle an invite for my parents, either. It would be lame if she invited them at this point, and they’ve now made travel plans for that weekend anyway. But I just don’t want to hear about the guest list anymore. Any other wedding topic is swell — I loved shopping for a dress with her, I’m down to discuss any other aspect of the plans, but every time the guest list comes up, I feel either sad or pissy. That’s no good. I just want to enjoy this event wholeheartedly, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to unless I bring the subject up with her.
I’ve sort of decided to just ask her, in as relaxed a way as possible, what the deal is. But I doubt myself. Would I be piling more tackiness on if I brought this up? Should I wait until the wedding is over to ask and just smile stiffly when the guest list comes up?
Aargh! I’m totally making a bigger deal of this than I need to, aren’t I? I trust you to tell it to me straight, Sars!
Thanks,
Knotted Knickers
Dear Knot,
Drop it. Drop it now. If you wanted to bring it up, you should have done so as soon as you found out that her so-called “small” wedding had gotten medium-sized and yet somehow still excluded your parents — but you didn’t, and given that your parents have other plans now, I don’t see what good could come of calling Snow White onto the carpet at this late date. I mean, what do you hope to get out of the conversation? Do you really want SW to tell you, “Look, the truth is that your parents give me the willies”? I don’t think you do, and anyway, the real explanation probably has to do with the ridiculous, and inevitable, politics that surround a wedding guest list — would that answer satisfy you? Probably not. So what, then — an apology? Sorry, but don’t count on it.
I completely agree that it’s tack-o-rama — not to mention kind of dense — of SW to whinge about the invitations to your mom knowing that your mom wouldn’t receive one, and I don’t see what difference two more guests would make when their daughter is in the bridal party, but what’s done is done. Mentioning it now will only put Snow White on the defensive, I imagine, so acknowledge her actions as rude and put it aside.
Dear Sars,
I’m a 19-year-old gay male living in sunny Southern California and looking for some advice. I transferred high schools between junior and senior year, and I met this great guy at my new high school. We immediately hit it off, and started hanging out together. Not dating — I was completely in the closet in high school — but just doing things together, like going to the mall or to the movies or out for dinner. Almost immediately, I totally fell for him, and since then, I’ve really been in love with him.
After graduation, he went to one college and I went to another. I don’t know why, but nearly two years after we met, I’m still as crazy about him as the moment I fell in love (August 28th, 2001, 8:42 AM, Room 1209: IB Calculus 2 HL. He told me he liked my facial hair). It’s probably stupid of me, but I still remember the first time we met word for word, and I’ve found that every guy I meet since, I’m comparing to him. Since I got out of school four weeks before him, I went over and spent a night over at his college, and we reconnected as if we’d seen each other yesterday. And I’ve been thinking about it recently, and I could totally see the two of us together in 25 or 50 years, and it doesn’t scare me. He’d be completely acceptable to my parents; we’re already the same religion, have similar philosophies of living, and both want to settle the same general area after college.
The problem is that I don’t know whether he’s gay, straight, interested, or not. Out of unspoken agreement, we haven’t — and we don’t — really discussed sex at all (it’s practically the only thing we haven’t talked about). He doesn’t seem interested in dating girls, but he hasn’t done anything that’d hint he was gay, either. I’m afraid of even broaching the topic, because I value the friendship I have with him, and I don’t want to lose him completely. At this point in time, he also doesn’t know that I’m gay. But on the other hand, part of me wants to know if there’s any chance of anything more happening. Also, I don’t know if I’ll be able to move on until I know. I just don’t know what to do now.
Any help at all would be appreciated.
Living in a WB Drama
Dear Michigan J. Frog,
It’s two years now that you’ve had feelings for the guy. Tell him.
Yes, yes, you value the friendship, but as I have said before, what you’ve got now isn’t really a friendship. It’s a grey area where he’s friends with you, and you’re in love with him. It isn’t the same thing, and when people say they don’t want to lose the friendship, what they really mean is that they don’t want to get rejected.
I have said the same thing, and I have felt the same way; it’s not a criticism. But waiting is not in fact an action, and after two years, it’s time for you to act. You love Calculus Boy, and that love is refusing to wane and cutting you off from opportunities with other guys as a result. Either he feels the same way or he doesn’t, or he’s gay or he isn’t, but it’s time for you to find out for sure so that you can move on in one direction or the other.
Hi Sars —
Your site is really funny, and you give good hard-hitting advice. I need a kick in the pants.
I had a best friend. We lived together my senior year of college, her junior year. We shared a room happily, cooked dinner together most nights. We visited her family frequently and were as close as two friends can be.
I graduated and moved to New York, only four hours away from college. She and I stayed in touch and I became very good friends with her older brother as well. We grew apart a little; I was no longer concerned with college life as much, but we still spoke on the phone at least once a week and saw each other on all her vacations.
The next year she went to medical school just north of New York. She got a bunch of new friends there, and was very busy studying, but still, when we saw each other, we felt very close.
This year, things have changed. When I invite her out to do things, she usually turns me down; she did that last year as well, but recently she would accept an invitation if everything was totally catered to her, making very difficult demands. For example, I invited her to dinner with a friend of ours who was visiting from out of town: a girls’ night. She said yes, IF we found a place near Grand Central Station, IF her brother could come, IF she could wear a flannel shirt and sweatpants, and IF we didn’t mind her deciding not to come at the last minute. Not very considerate. And she did, indeed, bail at the last minute.
Recently I offered to go and see her at med school to make things easier for her, so she wouldn’t have to travel. I would come up and have a quick dinner with her on Friday night, so as not to interfere with her studying too much. On Friday she called to reschedule for Sunday. Right before I was supposed to leave on Sunday, she called to cancel.
She went to see The Matrix with a whole big group of us, and gave me a hug, but didn’t say two words to me. I went to a BBQ she and her family were hosting on Memorial Day, and she again gave me a hug but didn’t talk to me at all. When I was leaving, she invited another friend to come up and see her at med school, but it seemed to be a pointed invitation only for the friend and not me.
I wrote her a pretty friendly email, thanking her for the party, updating her on my life since we’re out of touch, telling her I didn’t mind if she didn’t have time to write back right away because she is studying for her boards. But I did ask in the email, “I realize that some friendships are only meant to last a certain amount of time. I was hoping ours wouldn’t be one of them, but if you feel that our friendship is over, please tell me. I worry because it seemed when you invited our friend up to med school to see you, you were purposely not inviting me.”
She wrote back today saying, “Thanks for the ‘stress-relieving’ email. The invitation was not meant as a slight. [friend’s name]”
So my question is: Even though she didn’t answer my question, it seems pretty clear that the friendship is over and not salvageable. Do you agree? And do you have any advice for dealing with her at future events? I am still friends with her brother, and I have been dating her brother’s best friend for the last two years, so I will continue to see her at social events. We used to be so close that it really feels like I was dumped by a boyfriend. I can’t really take her being phony-friendly to me; I used to love her deeply as a friend, and it really hurts that it seems to be over.
Thanks for your help,
Dumped Girl
Dear Dumped,
Yes, the friendship as you used to know it is over. You and your friend have drifted apart, and you seem to know that. You just haven’t accepted it yet. Accept it.
You don’t have to become enemies; just acknowledge that you don’t have the same closeness anymore, act friendly when you do see her, and don’t make as much of an effort with her when she’s clearly not interested.
It does hurt, but you didn’t do anything wrong — friends do drift apart sometimes when their lives take them in different directions. You can look back fondly on the friendship you used to have in the past, but in the present, it’s time to let her go.
[8/20/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) cats etiquette friendships the fam
