The Vine: August 21, 2003
Sars,
While I wholly agree with your response to “Third Party” as far as not going out to eat if you can’t afford it is concerned, I wondered if you could say more about your take on the “but I ordered the vegetarian plate!” situation.
If it’s a difference of a couple of bucks, I can see the logic in shutting up and having the good grace to split the check. On the other hand, I don’t think the soup-and-salad eaters of the world should be forced to subsidize the shrimp-and-steak, two-martinis-and-dessert types.
Is there a dividing line? If so, where would you put it?
Sincerely,
Vegetarian
Dear Veg,
Between friends, over time, it all tends to come out even. Unless one of your dinner companions is a consistent problem as far as ordering rack of lamb and then disingenuously insisting that you all split the check evenly, a few dollars is not worth making a big deal over.
It depends on the situation, really. If the guy calculating the check is like, “Vegetarian, you came up short,” then you can certainly point out that you had a salad, which you paid for, plus your share of the tip…but if he addresses the table in general and says, “We came up short,” just throw in another three bucks and get on with your life.
Dear Sars,
My problem is probably not all that unusual, but I don’t think I’ve read one like it on your site. So here goes: I am a 22-year-old small-town gay girl who is still very much in the closet. I have only told one person — my cousin, who is my best friend. I knew she would be okay with it, and she was, so I felt good about telling her. I’m not ready for the world yet, though, and I feel like I will be most comfortable telling my people one at a time. So now I’m ready to tell someone else — specifically, my older sister. She lives on the other side of the country, but that’s not my main problem. My main problem is: she’s married.
I have this sneaking suspicion that husbands and wives tell each other everything. I realize that there are couples out there who lie to each other or keep things from each other, but I don’t think my sister and her husband do that. So I don’t trust such a confidence with my sister because I’m not sure I could swear her to secrecy. Is it even fair for me to expect that from her? Is it fair for me to ask her to keep something from her husband, even if it’s something that has nothing to do with him?
He’s not a bad guy, and he’d probably be just as fine with this as she will be. Even if he wasn’t, that would be his problem and not mine. I’m not worried about his reaction or anything. It’s just that, of all the people in my life, I don’t want him to be the third person to know this. There are other people, closer to me, who should know before my brother-in-law. But if I tell all of those people before I tell my sister, will she be upset that I didn’t trust her?
This might all be a moo point (tm Joey Tribiani). When I told my cousin I was gay, she wasn’t terribly surprised. It’s possible that everyone pretty much knows anyway. But no one is saying anything about it, so I assume it’s still a secret, if only formally so. I want my sister to know, but I don’t want her husband to know…yet. So please advise me: Should I tell her now, or should I wait until I’m ready to tell them together? I value your advice, because you rock.
Thank you,
Wishing I Had A Clever Nickname
Dear Clever,
Ask your sister not to tell anyone at all, including her husband. It’s fair to assume that she would tell him if you don’t specifically ask her not to, but it’s also fair for you to ask that she keep it completely to herself.
In the grand scheme of things, though, you should probably concentrate on telling the people you want to tell. It’s an important step for you, so try not to get sidetracked by worrying about your brother-in-law.
I was taught there should never be a comma after conjunctions, but I see this all the time. I’m not just talking about with phrases (“but, to be fair,” blah blah). It’s done ALL THE TIME in books, newspaper articles, et cetera. What’s the deal? Have the grammar rules changed? If so, then when is it okay to comma a conjunction?
Annoyed and, confused
Dear L.D.,
You should only use a comma after a conjunction in order to set off an adverbial or prepositional phrase. “She tried to use correct usage, but, unfortunately for us all, she failed.” “She tried to use correct usage, but, she failed” is incorrect. Same goes for “and” there.
The rule hasn’t changed, and I haven’t seen any increase in incorrect comma use myself — at least, not in print publications.
Sars —
I spent most of yesterday reading through Vine archives, but did not see a problem that reflected mine, so I don’t feel too bad about sending this out into the digital air.
I am a 20-year-old college student still battling with shyness. It’s not the type that sends me into a sweaty panic every time I go out, or makes me want to cry before a presentation. My shyness emerges when I meet people for the first time. I have nothing to say. Nothing to comment on. I’m horrible at small talk and find it pointless. It’s worse when I’m in a group situation; I tend to fade into the background.
This becomes complex since, so I’ve discovered, people find it impossible that someone my age should be shy. “They” think that it only exists around middle-school students on the first day of classes. Not someone about to enter her junior year in college. So then the problem arises that my male peers consider me unapproachable, to the point of being intimidating. Female peers, who I’ve never had a problem with, let alone talked to on a personal level, call me a bitch behind my back.
I’ve asked my friends why people who don’t know me would have such harsh opinions, and their response is consistent, yet so very odd. I have a fair complexion — light blonde hair and untannable skin (and no, I’m not complaining), but have the deepest brown eyes that most people think they’re black. Since I was not “blessed” with the sparkling blue eyes that would perfect the All-American Girl stereotype, people find my “piercing” gaze to be cold and intimidating. I’m just shy! I’m not going to buy contacts, because, frankly, I find the concept of my eye color bringing on this harsh reaction from strangers to be…well…damn stupid.
I have been told from high school acquaintances that people I have known for years but never talked to were always put off by my “obvious” superior attitude, so this isn’t a new small-college development. I would normally not care what complete strangers think of me, but my college campus is very small, and I would prefer having the opportunity for someone to get to know the real me before someone who’s never spoken to me whispers that I’m a “bride of Satan” (this is true — just found out a few days ago that a girl I’ve never had a problem with, never spoken to/about, has spread this to anyone who will listen). Thankfully, my friends, or just those who have given me a chance, defend me, but I can’t expect that forever. I don’t want that.
So, what I’m ultimately asking is: How do I make that immediate first impression reflect who I truly am? How do I break out of a shell that’s at least 12 years thick? If I cannot show my true personality, at least help people realize that it’s not a superiority complex, but genuine shyness that keeps me from talking? I know I cannot force someone to think a certain way about me, so it is how I present myself that will nip this annoyance in the bud.
I ask you, Sars, because I have a small feeling you personally have no battle with shyness.
It Can’t Be The Eye Color
Dear Eye,
Based on what you’ve told me? Try to open up your face. Smile more; raise your eyebrows more. Your physiognomy, combined with what you’ve absorbed already about what people think of you, probably makes you look sterner than you feel, and relaxing your face a bit is a good way to seem less forbidding without having to act fake.
Also, stop caring. Anyone worth befriending has already figured out that, most of the time, “standoffishness” is actually just shyness, and if a girl who’s never even met you is calling you Bride Of Satan, it’s pretty clearly a pathological insecurity issue on her end. I’ve heard secondhand for years that people find me intimidating, but I have cat hair all over me and I’m standing by the keg cracking fart jokes, so — whatever. You can’t control people’s perceptions all the time, and you shouldn’t bother trying.
Sars —
Okay, a little background to set the scene. I have lived in the same apartment for the last two years. Several roommates have come and gone, but one has been there for the duration of my stay — let’s call him “Dave.” Dave and me have always had a bit of an attraction, but due my being involved (that has ended), and the fact that we are roommates, nothing really came of it.
Heh. That is, until recently. Dave has decided to buy a place in town and is moving out. We were hanging out one night and we kinda sorta ended up mauling each other for several hours. Nothing was really said about it for the next few weeks; then it happened again. And then it happened again LAST night.
Today he’s moving into his new place, and I think you can see where I’m going with this. We seem to have this odd schism between what happens when all the other roommates are out and when we’re in a crowd. I was hoping to maybe make it more of an official thing now that he’s gone, but due to this dual reality thing, I’m finding it difficult to “make the transition” from sexed-up roomie to sexed-up girlfriend. And I’m completely chickenshit when it comes to bringing it up. I’ve tried, and I always choke on it and make a joke. I’m not sure where he stands, and for all I know he could be planning to step it up once he’s all settled in his new digs.
So, I’m hoping you could maybe help me with this severe lack of communication. Thanks, and always know that deep in your soul you rock the casbah.
The Ex-Roomie
Dear Room,
Wait a few weeks and see how it goes — whether the two of you still spend a lot of time together, whether he’s making a move or hanging back.
If it’s still ambiguous in three weeks or a month, bite the bullet and ask what’s going on. Worst-case scenario, he’s not into getting serious and you feel kind of crappy about it, but at least you don’t have to see him back at home.
[8/21/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette grammar roommates the fam
