The Vine: August 21, 2003
Sars, another answer for Quoi Faire would be to check into refinancing the mortgage now that she has that full-time good job. Having the job is a substantial financial change for the positive, so a bank may look on that change favorably. There may be a penalty to refinance if the loan is under a year old, but she could weigh that against the savings they would have for her fiancé’s shorter commute, possible better job, et cetera. It’s also possible that the penalty could be rolled into the new mortgage so that she doesn’t have any out-of-pocket right now.
No matter what she does, if she lets her parents manipulate her now based on their wishes, she’s going to have hell to deal with for the rest of her life. Especially when she has kids and they have a different view of a “moral” way to raise them or telling her how to parent, et cetera.
From one who’s been there
Dear There,Excellent advice. She needs to do whatever she can to get out from under her parents’ thumb financially, and if she’s able to rejigger the mortgage and cut them out, she should.
Dear Sars,I have two issues I would like your advice on.
First, I am an atheist. This usually isn’t an issue, unless I am around my parents. You see, my father happens to be a minister. When I am home, I try not to bring up any religious issues; however, since my family loves to debate things, the subject inevitably gets brought up. My father feels like he has failed in raising me, and I understand his position (after all, I probably wouldn’t take too kindly to someone I had slaved 21 years for and then have them say they didn’t believe in my core beliefs); however, I feel that I am right in my beliefs. I try to justify things by thinking of scientific theories that support my beliefs (I will be graduating with a BS in chemistry this spring), but he dismisses all of these “beliefs” as blasphemous or just plain wrong. In effect, he doesn’t believe in my core beliefs either. Now, I have been pretty good about supporting his job whenever I come home from school (i.e. I bite the bullet and go to church), but I feel that that action is “blasphemous” to the church and disrespectful to myself. When I graduate, I don’t plan on going anymore, but am wondering if you have a good suggestion on going about this without destroying the relationship my dad and I have with one another?
All right, now for my second issue. I don’t date all that often, usually because I am too busy and know that I cannot make the time to have a proper relationship. I broke up with my last girlfriend six months ago. Flash forward to the present. A good friend of mine introduced me to one of his friends; we hit it off, and have been hanging around one another a great deal lately. I always have a great time around her. We have kissed a bit, but that is all. She just got out of a relationship and doesn’t want anything serious. However, I have never really done the friend-with-benefits thing, and while I am having a great time (and don’t really want anything serious, since I will be moving 700 miles away in in a few months), I also don’t want to screw this up. I was wondering if you have any guidelines (not really a do-this and don’t-do-that list, just something general) about how to keep this going without getting too serious? We have a lot in common, but I don’t really see a future beyond graduation (as our differences would require waaaaay too many lifestyle compromises for both of us), and I doubt that she does either. Anyway, I would just appreciate any advice you have to give.
X
Dear X,The key to both of your problems is clear, respectful communication.
Let’s take the atheism/church dilemma first. You might try sitting your dad down and explaining that you understand how he must feel, but that your beliefs don’t reflect any failure on his part; he did a great job raising an independent thinker, after all, and even though you don’t believe in God, you still respect him as a father. Then tell him what you just told me about how going to services feels pretty hypocritical to you. He may elect to have a hissy, but this isn’t a teenage phase on your part and he’s going to have to come to terms with it somehow.
Deal with the non-girlfriend-girlfriend the same way — keep the lines of communication open. Let her know you dig spending time with her, but also let her know that you want to keep it light.
Just express yourself honestly about these things, whether it’s your (non-)religious convictions or your non-committal feelings about your relationship with a woman. There’s a way to say things truthfully but also respectfully; find that way and go with it.
Sars,Okay, here is my problem. I have been married for almost two years. It has been challenging at times, but I understand that marriage is work and this is to be expected. The thing is, I feel like my husband unknowingly plays mind games with me. Sometimes he is really sweet and shows me that he really cares for me. Other times (which seem to outnumber the sweet times), he acts completely disinterested in me. He will barely acknowledge me when I speak to him and pull away when I am trying to be affectionate. He is short with me on the phone; I feel like I am bothering him when I call him. If I surprise him with a gift or try to do something nice for him, he seems annoyed. Most of the time he doesn’t even say thank you.
I’m really confused right now. I feel like I am constantly trying to figure out “how to be” around him. I really don’t feel like I can be myself. I have tried talking to him about this, and he says I shouldn’t feel this way and that he’s not doing anything wrong. I am trying to figure out if I am being too sensitive. It just doesn’t feel right sometimes. It’s like he pushes me away until I almost can’t take it anymore, and then he does enough to appease me for a while before he begins pushing me away again. He acknowledges that he has a “hot and cold” personality. I just don’t know if I am strong enough to be with someone like that.
Am I expecting too much? I want to feel like he really wants me around, not that I am just there. I am just trying to figure out if this is something I can fix within myself. Are my expectations too high?
Thanks,
Yo-Yo Who Is Tired Of It
Dear Yo-Yo,Yeah, you can “fix” it. “Fix” yourself up with a divorce lawyer, and then “fix” your husband up on a date with the curb.
He’s a dick, and he expects you to suck it up and deal. He’s not going to change; he’s going to keep making it your fault, and he’s going to keep making you unhappy. Dump his ass.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette roommates the fam
