Dear Sars,

My boyfriend and I have attended about five weddings this past year where one of his friends was the groom. They were all fancy and we also were invited to the rehearsal dinner for most of them. I assumed that boyfriend would be in charge of buying wedding gifts for these weddings, though I wasn’t at all averse to chipping in. Way over a year has passed since the first wedding and I’ve since learned that not only has he not bought a single wedding gift, but he doesn’t plan to do so.

He thinks that because he and the various grooms are good friends and talk all the time, he should not have to prove that he cares by “buying them a casserole dish.” I should mention that he’s doing fine financially, so cost is not an issue here. I am upset by his attitude and I’ve pointed out that weddings are major life events that deserve recognition (if not by a casserole dish then by something more meaningful to him). Also, since he was totally willing to partake of the nice dinner and open bar that the bride and groom provided, I believe etiquette dictates that he give them something in return. He says that it was their choice to spend that money, and he shouldn’t have to match their spending by buying a gift. I think this is all absurd but he claims that other people would “see his point of view.”

His family are not big on gifts for any occasion, but we’ve always exchanged gifts for birthdays and other holidays and he’s otherwise a sweet, generous guy. We have had several arguments about this but still no action on his part. I can’t afford to buy all these people gifts on my own, and I don’t think I should have to spend time and energy to cover up for his rudeness. But whenever I see one of these newlywed couples (which is every couple of months) I’m embarrassed that they haven’t received anything from us. He won’t listen to me, so what do you think? Am I being too old-school with the etiquette? Or is he being ridiculous?

Thanks,

Cheap and guest

Dear Guest,

He’s being ridiculous, but there really isn’t anything you can do about it — this is his to deal with (or not, as seems to be his preference), and it’s not your responsibility to protect him from himself. Because he doesn’t care. You’ve tried to make him care; you’ve tried to make him see that you care; it hasn’t worked. He doesn’t care. It’s now for you to decide how much you care, and act accordingly.

Here’s what I think your policy should be. If the invitation was addressed to you by name — not just to “Boyfriend and Guest” — buy the couple a gift. Whether you sign the card from both of you or from just you is your call, but leaving your boyfriend’s name off the card to show him up won’t do any good, because: doesn’t care. If it’s not people you know well, and/or the invitation went to “Boyfriend and Plus-One,” it’s your call — if you can afford something off the registry, go for it, but if not, let it slide.

But he’s not going to pay you back for “his half” of these gifts, because he doesn’t want to give them, because he doesn’t care, and he’s not going to learn that he should care unless one of his friends cuts him dead for not ponying up for a pasta bowl — and maybe that’ll happen and he’ll get his shit together, and maybe it won’t and he won’t see any consequences for not giving wedding gifts. But you’re on the record as not approving of his attitude here, so let it go and cover your own nut. You aren’t his mother, and continuing to seek closure on this issue is just going to drive you crazy.

Share!