Okay, so I have this friend, H, who recently announced that she is pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby, and they’re both really happy, gonna have a family, et cetera et cetera. Which is awesome for her. My problem: the baby shower.

Now, as soon as it was announced, everyone kind of looked at myself and my other friend, C, to throw the shower, because the three of us are pretty tight and it seems appropriate. Which is also just fine. Now, here comes the problem; H’s other friend, we’ll call her D.

Now, H and D grew up together (in another state) and are also pretty tight, and I have a loose friendship with her as well (key word: “loose”), but D, well, she’s not very social, she’s kind of stubborn, and she takes a lot of warming up before she’s particularly friendly to anyone. It seems to me that H mostly just tolerates her because they have known each other forever, and up until this point that’s been mostly H’s problem. Probably the only reason I am friends at all with D is because H and I were roommates when D moved into town, and she had to be friendly if she wanted to come into the house. So, needless to say, C and D aren’t very close either.

Now, D has been telling H that she wants to be involved in the shower-throwing, and while that was happening H decided she wants involvement, too, specifically to do the cooking. Which is a huge pain for me, because five of my close friends are professional chefs and would be happy to do catering at cost, so that’s the only thing I had no worries over at all. So, I guess the question boils down to: how do I tell a pregnant woman to get her nose out of the party-throwing (am I the only one here that thinks it’s a little inappropriate for someone to be throwing their own gift-giving party?) and tell D that if she wants to be involved she’s welcome but she’s gonna have to be friendly and realize that she’s going to have any kind of special status here because she knew H as kids, and will most likely not get everything her way?

You may be wondering where C went in all this. I should tell you that I am asking for both of us, we feel the same way.

And, okay, to be perfectly honest here the woman is only two or three months pregnant, and I feel like everyone’s gotten all riled up and full of plans really early and I’m definitely not the type to be fretting about baby showers and propriety, but here I am and I definitely need a voice of reason here. Help!

Signed,
Wishing my friends wouldn’t reproduce anymore

It’s really not appropriate for the subject of/guest of honor at the shower to involve herself in the planning. If you, the planners, ask her whether she’d rather have punch or pop, or if she wants to do games, or whatever, fine, but she…doesn’t get to plan it. That’s…the point of it. No work for her. Nor do third parties really get to interpose themselves into the planning process if you’re not keen on having them do that. This wouldn’t fly at any other party, and I don’t understand why people do it when it comes to showers. If D wants to plan a party, she can…plan her own.

So, in an ideal world, you pretend neither of them said anything about getting involved. But we live in this world, so in your place, here’s what I’d do. I’d tell H, “Great, can’t wait to see what you come up with, we’ll talk about it later,” and then just wait for her to change her mind — because the shower shouldn’t be for a few months, and with any luck, she’ll think better of trying to cook for however many dozen people when she’s exhausted and her ankles are swollen out to Jesus.

D, whatever. You don’t have to include her on H’s say-so; if she approaches you and wants to help, assign her a task or two and put her on the invitations as a co-host. Yeah, it’s annoying, but: who cares, really. Give her something to do that you guys don’t want to deal with, and don’t assume she’s going to act up — she’s an adult, and if she’s getting scrapey with people, have a word with her, but, you know, it’ll work itself out. H will probably reconsider wanting to cook; D will probably not be such a freak that people get offended. Just make sure there’s enough white wine and a place to put the pile of presents and the rest of it should take care of itself.

[8/22/06]

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