Bulimia I know. Very very well.

I started when I was 16, ended when I was 29, and every step of the way was hard-fought. I’ve been free of the monster for six years, and it’s all thanks to a brilliant therapist who understood the most important thing of all: bulimia is not now, nor is it ever, the real problem. The real problem is what has motivated the behavior in the first place.

After reading Dad’s Vine, I’d lay my last dollar that the babysitter IS bulimic, because bingeing at babysitting jobs and making the detritus disappear was par for the course back in the day. Your suggestions for finding further evidence were spot-on, too. Other things to look for are puffy cheeks and upper neck (saliva glands tend to swell when you’re vomiting regularly), very pale or grayish pallor, any signs of dizziness or lightheadedness (i.e. does she wobble if she stands up quickly?), and, if he’s willing to make the effort, checking around the base of the toilet as well as under the rim (even the most fastidious bulimic will miss a spot now and again).

As for confronting, I say yes yes yes. He MUST begin by saying that they are proud of the job that she’s been doing for them, how much the kids like her, et cetera. And he needs to emphasize that the reason this is being brought up at all is because they care about her. What he should focus on, though, if possible, is not the bulimia as the problem. Ask her if she’s stressing about school or if she has something that’s really bothering her. She may shut him out completely, and that shouldn’t come as a surprise, but there IS a possibility that she’s desperate for someone to talk to (I know I was, and many of the women in the support group I attended felt the same).

Will it help? No telling. I know this much, having been confronted numerous times throughout my own illness: it will NOT hurt if it’s done properly, meaning with love and care. It sounds like this gentleman is willing to do both. It MAY help. Knowing you’ve been busted makes you want to do one of two things: tackle the problem, or go to greater lengths to hide it. She may very well turn to the latter, in which case there’s nothing else he can do. I say there is enough of a chance of the former occurring that Dad should give it a shot.

I may get slammed for that suggestion, but I know that once she’s off to college, away from familial eyes and parental controls, all hell is going to break loose. If there’s even the most remote possibility that she could be cut off at the pass before she leaves, then it’s definitely worth a try.

Recovering from bulimia is a miserable, horrible process. I blew a gasket at a George Carlin show when he was slamming bulimics. I kept thinking to myself, “You stuffed enough of your income up your nose to coat Mt. Everest, you drug-addicted hypocritical asshole, but the difference between you and me is that you don’t have to snort coke to live, but I HAVE to eat every day. And every time I sit down at the damn table, I have to think about it.”

But recovery IS possible. I’ve done it, and I’m proud to say I haven’t had an episode in six years. Again though, it’s critical to remember that bulimia is NOT the problem, it’s the symptom, and until you confront the real problem, you cannot make the symptom go away.

Websites that help:
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders
The American Anorexia Bulimia Association

Don’t know if this is helpful or not, but I DO hope Dad talks to her. Someone needs to.

Been There, Had That

Thanks for the suggestions, and for getting the help you needed.

It bears repeating that, from what I understand, anorexia and bulimia aren’t really about the food or the weight, but about control and low self-esteem.

It also bears repeating that eating-disorder situations tend to bloom and grow like kudzu once a girl goes off to college. I saw it a dozen times at school; the fact that there’s less supervision tends to power the disorder. If Dad’s going to step in, he needs to do it now.

Sars,

Another physical indicator “Dad With The Empty Fridge” might want to look for are teeth marks, or possibly even a scar, on the knuckles of the girl’s “trigger fingers.” I have been struggling with bulimia for four years and although I don’t have gray teeth or brittle hair, if I’ve binged and purged that night — assuming he checks before she leaves the house — there will be noticeable red marks on my knuckles.

Also, I’d strongly suggest the Dad go with the note. A face-to-face confrontation may work, but from my own personal experience as well as those of other bulimics I’ve known through therapy and hospitalization periods, they rarely result in anything other than denial and humiliation for the girl. A note stating what you advised would be much easier to deal with, and it may give her a chance to really think about it and contemplate what she’s doing to herself — rather than just reacting with the anger or shame a confrontation may bring.

I hope I’m not projecting too much onto this girl. I think it’s wonderful that the dad cares enough to want to do something. Hopefully, whatever he chooses to do may knock some sense into her. Bulimia is, as you said, very difficult to overcome. Best wishes to Dad and the possibly bulimic girl.

Thanks,
Still Struggling, But Hopeful

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Dear Still Struggling,

Good luck with it. I’ve seen how hard anorexics and bulimics have to work to get past the disease.

Okay, here’s my story. A friend of mine in high school, a ballerina, had a serious problem with the bulimia; she’d managed to train her stomach to reject anything she put into it after about twenty minutes. Another friend and I tried to talk to her about it, but she blew us off, and she looked so bad that we had to do something, so we turned her in to the school nurse. Bad idea, in retrospect, but we didn’t know what else to do. Then the headmistress decided that Friend One had the right to “confront her accusers,” so she hauled us all into the office with the nurse and made us repeat everything we’d said in front of our friend, which we did, although I nearly started sobbing because I couldn’t believe how badly the headmistress had chosen to handle the situation, and Friend Two did start crying, and Friend One is sitting there with this glassy smile on and going, “I don’t know what they’re talking about, it’s all a misunderstanding,” and then she wouldn’t talk to us for a good two weeks, and then she slept with my boyfriend to pay me back. Which actually did me a favor in the end, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway. A situation like this is extremely delicate, as I’ve seen — at that time, and since. The bulk of an eating disorder comes from bad self-image, an obsessive desire for control that stems from that, and the pursuit of an unattainable “perfect” ideal that is, by definition, never reached, and all that stuff feeds on itself (as it were). When an anorexic/bulimic is confronted, she loses that tenuous bit of control she feels she has over things, and it often causes her to retreat farther into the behavior, because she interprets the concern as a criticism…because she has low self-esteem. I’m not a therapist and I’ve not had an eating disorder, but that’s my understanding of the thought process. The father needs to proceed with caution, because once the bulimic takes flight, it just gets worse.

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Hi Sars,

I’m responding to the the possible-bulimic babysitter question in your column.

I’m thinking she’s likely not bulimic, based on my years of experience as a child whose babysitters ate everything in sight, and based on the fact that I was the same sort of babysitter.

A week before Thanksgiving, our shy, nice, and ravenous babysitter went through two cans of cranberry sauce and a three-pack of saltines (reserved for stewed tomatoes) and nearly drove my mom around the bend. She ate it all after we went to bed, and destroyed the evidence.

I was the same sort of babysitter. (Working for the diabetic vegetarian family wasn’t much chop.) I did a pretty good job with the kids, I’d play endless games of UNO and read them bedtime stories about the CareBears, but the reality was that I hated babysitting, it bored me no end. I had lots of tension and during the long wait until the folks got home and I got my twenty bucks, I’d scope for any special things I could find. Our family never had exciting food ’cause we girls were always supposed to be on diets. I assumed families with children were too busy to notice if I’d eat a bit extra, but I’d make sure no signs of the stuff would remain, because I was embarrassed that I couldn’t control myself. I was stressed out by high school and family life, and unless I was alone I didn’t feel entitled to eat what I wanted.

So, to Dad with the Empty Fridge: your babysitter is probably heading for an eating disorder, but it’s more along the lines of compulsion and potential obesity. It’s all tied up in issues about freedom, privacy, abandon, boredom, rage, compulsion, envy…et cetera. If you were to say anything about it to her, she would be so ashamed she’d want to die immediately.

There’s probably not much to do but wish her well for the future. This kind of dirty little secret eventually shows itself in a very material way, unless she gets a grip and finds better ways to work out stress or deal with feelings.

Best of luck, and thanks again, Sarah, for your great site!

Jill

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Dear Jill,

I used to do the same thing on babysitting assignments — I mowed everything in sight, and then felt embarrassed about it. Again, it didn’t have much to do with the food.

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I wondered if I might pick your brain for a moment. How exactly did you facilitate the Hobe/Little Joe introductions? Long story short, my mother has a special-needs cat, whose special needs my father can no longer deal with. I currently bow to the every whim of Stella and, while I want to help my mother out by at least keeping her Elizabeth in the family, I would prefer to avoid freaking out my own cat. Any suggestions on making this a smooth transition?

Thanks! Love the site — you are an excellent writer! I’ve been giggling all day.

Kristen

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Dear Kristen,

Thanks!

Most books and cat folk will tell you to do the following: keep the new cat in the bathroom at first, with the door closed. I could only spare a few hours to do it, but most experts recommend a few days of separation. The new cat gets used to the environment by having one “safe” room, and the old cat acclimates to the idea that there’s a new cat without having to confront said new cat right away.

Keep the cats separate. Spend time “visiting” the new cat in the bathroom; give the old cat plenty of scratches and treats to let her know you still love her. Let the cats sniff each other under the door. After the first day, feed the current cat next to the bathroom door so that they associate nibbles with each other — positive reinforcement when it comes time for them to meet.

After, say, four or five days, let the new cat out to explore a bit — supervised, of course. If scuffles start — and they will start, I assure you — break them up and put the new cat back in the bathroom.

You can’t avoid a certain amount of pissy hissing and tail fattening, but as long as all the cats have their own dishes, litter boxes (well worth the wasted space, trust me), and toys, and get enough individual attention from you, they’ll learn to live with it.

[8/23/01]

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